The two eldest Tendou sisters peered in on their living room. Their father was sitting silently, tears flowing down his face, staring across the shogi board at a rather bulky spectacled man, who was in a similar state. There was an opressive, dark ambience to the atmosphere.

"Come on, Sis, aren't you at all curious about that old guy?" Nabiki pressed.

"Not really, no," Kasumi replied. "Father will tell us all about him when the time comes." She went back to preparing a light snack in the kitchen.

Suddenly, there came a furious knocking at the front door. Nabiki wandered to the foyer, and slid the door open.

The woman who stood there, panting like she'd been running for some distance, was about 5'9'' tall, a bit taller than Kasumi. She had collar length golden blonde hair, reddish-brown eyes, and wore gunmetal gray glasses. She was dressed in a blue denim shirt and a pair of grayish trousers, under a heavy black trenchcoat that went down to her ankles. Her shoes were covered in mud and dust, so that it was hard to make out any details about them. Nabiki, a trained observer, took in all this detail in an instant.

"Excuse me," she gasped, her accent betraying her foreign nature, "but is there a short, red-haired, pig-tailed, rather cute girl just arrived here?"

"Uh ..." Nabiki temporized. The girl was unmistakably Saotome Ranma, the "son" of her father's old friend who'd just arrived a little over an hour earlier.

"Who is it, Nabiki-chan?" Kasumi inquired, coming into the foyer.

"Is Saotome Ranma here?" the woman asked directly. "I can't read much Japanese, but I figured that the sign means `Tendou Dojo', and that's where h- ... uh, we were headed. Is she here?"

"Why, yes," Kasumi replied. "She and her pet panda came her only a short while ago. She's in the bath right now. Who --"

"Wait a minute," Nabiki interrupted. "You ran that bath for Ranma? I thought it was for Akane, so I sent her in."

"Oh my. Well, the two of them seemed to be getting along well."

"Excuse me," said the woman in the doorway, who had a sick expression on her face. "This would be a hot bath, right?"

"Yes, Ranma-chan was very sweaty after her sparring match with Akane-chan, and ... is something wrong?"

The woman had closed her eyes, and was counting down softly. "Five, four, three, two ..."

An ear-splitting scream reverberated through the air. Kasumi and Nabiki turned to look at its source, and the woman opened her eyes.

Tendou Akane ran screaming down the hallway, her long hair streaming behind her. She headed out into the garden, seizing hold of a large piece of stonework that was resting inoffensively there, babbling, "I'll weigh him down! I'll drown him in the bathtub!"

Akane's two elders approached her cautiously, neither aware that the woman was following them with a resigned expression. "Akane," Nabiki inquired, "what's wrong? What's that for?" she added, pointing at the stonework that the younger girl was toting.

"There's a pervert in the bathroom," Akane hissed.

"Then ... why don't you just kill him with your bare hands?" Nabiki prodded.

"Easier said than done," the blonde woman muttered. Nobody noticed.

"Because I'm scared!!" Akane replied.

"That's odd ... Ranma was in the bath just now," Kasumi murmured.

"That's actually less odd than you might think, Miss," the blonde woman commented.

Before Kasumi could frame a reply to that, she saw a young man, dark of hair, wearing ... Ranma's clothes?!! ... step out of the bathroom, and start towards them with an embarassed expression. "Who ..." she began.

"Who are you?" Nabiki demanded.

"I'm Saotome Ranma ... sorry 'bout this," he replied. Then he noticed the woman who was standing behind the Tendou sisters. "Oh! Hey, sorry we left you back there ..."

"Not as sorry as you're gonna be, man ..." the woman replied dryly, stealing a look at the furious, confused expression on Akane's face. Her gaze seemed to linger for just a second longer than it should. Only Nabiki saw. Then she turned back to the man calling himself Ranma. "Is the bath still hot?"

"It was pretty warm. Should be enough ... but remember to wash before you get in the tub, right?"

"I try to avoid repeating my mistakes, Ranma," she sighed. She started to head for the bathroom.

"Just a minute! Who are you?" Kasumi asked forcefully.

The woman turned back and smiled. "My name's Chris Davies, ma'am. Pleased to meetcha."

1/2 1/2 1/2


An Inevitable Outcome Feature

Based on the Manga "Ranma 1/2"
by Rumiko Takahashi

Freely adapted from the translation
by Gerard Jones and Matt Thorn

New Material
by C. Richard Davies

CHRIS 1/2
or,
Love Means Being Able
To Call Someone Baka

With Especial Thanks to
Benares
John W. Biles
Chris Willmore
Jeffrey Hosmer
Nicholas Leifker
and the many other authors of
Ranma 1/2 fanfic that have lured
the author into trying his hand at
this oft-used plot.

And Also Thanks to
Bert Van Vliet
who probably does it better
than anyone else.

Chris-kun's Voice By
Ryoutarou Okiayu

Chris-chan's Voice By
Mitsuishi Kotono

Episode One
"Arrival at the Tendou Home!
Are Your Insurance Premiums Paid?"


1/2 1/2 1/2

As evening came to the Tendou household, the four current residents and their three guests gathered in the dining room.

The woman who had come to the door that afternoon had never emerged from the bathroom. Instead, a young man, with darker hair, greenish eyes, and a thin beard had come out, wearing her clothes -- a bit more comfortably, Nabiki noted -- and glasses.

He sat with a bemused expression beside the younger man who claimed to be Ranma, who in turn sat beside the middle-aged man who had been sitting with Tendou Soun. They were all three sitting in a row across from the three sisters, while Soun sat at the end of the table.

"As I have already said," Soun said, "this is my dear old friend --"

"Saotome Genma," the middle-aged man continued. "And this is my son --"

"Saotome Ranma," the young man finished.

"Ahem."

"Oh. And this is --"

"Their aide de camp, Chris Davies," the final member of the trio concluded.

"Aide de camp?" Ranma asked, sotto voce.

"Let it go."

Akane was staring at Ranma with thinly veiled hatred, who returned her look with apprehension. Neither of them noticed the curious expression on Chris' face as he gazed at Akane.

"What's this all about?" Nabiki asked, bewhildered.

"Are you really ... them? Those girls?" Kasumi inquired.

"Well ..." Chris began.

"Where should I begin?" Genma wondered aloud. "Ah! I know." With a single, fluid motion, he grabbed his son by the collar, turned, and threw him out the open door to the pond. With a single startled shriek, Ranma splashed down.

"Y'know, Mr. Saotome ... I think we coulda explained this without a demonstration," Chris sighed.

The red-haired girl rose from the pool with a furious expression. "What the hell are you doing?"

"No, Davies, it is necessary for them to see the depth of my humiliation! Oh, my son!"

Said son leaped from the pool, grabbed his father, and flung him into the pool. Moments later, a large panda arose from the pool -- the same panda that had accompanied -- well, actually, carried would be a better term -- Ranma to the dojo.

"Now they're seeing the depths of your humiliation, old man!" the girl-Ranma sneered.

"Father ..." Kasumi inquired, delicately, "why are you friends with them?"

"They weren't like this before," Soun declared. "Not before they went to China ... and undertook that terrifying training exercise!"

"Really, it wasn't so much the exercise that was a big deal," Chris interjected. "It was more the locale."

As girl-Ranma and panda-Genma trotted off to take another hot bath, the attention of the Tendou family abruptly focused on the Westerner in their midst. "And ... you, also ..." Kasumi began.

"Change?" Chris supplied, scratching his beard. "Yeah. I hope you'll forgive me, though, if I don't give you a demonstration. It's ... not fun."

"How did a person from ... where are you from?" Soun inquired.

"Canada, Tendou-san. Saskatchewan, if you're familiar with the ... no? Okay. How I wound up with those two is ... kinda confusing, even to me, and it really isn't a big part of their story -- which is probably what you're most interested in right now. I only hooked up with them a little before ... IT happened."

Ranma and Genma, now restored to their true forms, marched back into the room, and resumed their seats. Genma had heard the tail end of Chris' "explanation", and picked up from there. "Ah yes ... it was a fateful two weeks ago ..."

And he related the tragic, very tragic tale of how they had sought to perfect their martial arts techniques at the Training Grounds of Accursed Springs ... how Genma had fallen to Ranma's blows into the Spring of Drowned Panda ... how Ranma had been knocked into the Spring of Drowned Girl ... and how the splash of Ranma's plunge had accidentally doused Chris, who was standing too near the Spring.

There was a stunned silence in the room, as Genma finished the tale.

"The legendary training ground of accursed springs," Soun murmured. "Its true horror has always been shrouded in mystery until now ..."

"Feh! What do you mean, true horror?!" Ranma bit out. He had been holding his trememdous anger in while his father had recited the tale. Suddenly, he seized hold of Genma's collar, and bellowed into his face. "Yo! Old man! What's the idea of draggin' me to a place like that anyway?!"

Wordlessly, Genma flung Ranma towards the pool. A splash ensued.

"You sound like a woman!" Genma answered Ranma bellow for bellow, earning himself a dirty look from Akane that he didn't notice. "Were you not prepared to give your life for the sake of your training?"

"My life, yes ..." girl-Ranma said quietly. From somewhere, she seized a bucket full of water, and flung it at her father, screaming "My manhood is another story!"

It was probably not her intent to accidentally splash Chris with some water in the process.

It was the first time that any of the Tendou family had actually seen the process. Chris's body shrunk six inches in height, and his shoulders seemed to narrow. The hair on his head brightened, while the hair on his face and chin seemed to shrink instantly. Last but not least, two round bulges developed in his upper chest, swelling the buttons of his ... no, of her shirt.

He had closed his eyes when he was splashed; now she opened them to reveal that they had darkened considerably.

Neither Ranma nor Genma, now in panda mode, seemed to have noticed the other transformation, being intent on some sort of fist fight.

"Oh ... what a tragedy!" Soun proclaimed, tears flowing from his eyes.

Kasumi had stood up, and was opening her mouth to say something to the Saotome family, when Chris cut her off.

"ALL RIGHT YOU TWO. BREAK IT UP."

Her tone spoke eloquently of death. Ranma slowly turned to look at her, as did the Panda.

"I have been watching the two of you scrap about this ... thing ... for the last two weeks. I've HAD it! Ranma, your father is, beyond a doubt, foolish for having done something like this. HowEVER, like I said about five minutes after it happened, `If I was looking for someone to blame for what happened to me, I'd start with you,' Ranma. If I can deal with it, you can. Or are either of you going to let it be said that someone with zero martial arts training can deal with wild and crazy situations like this better than the Saotome school of Anything Goes Martial Arts?"

Ranma bowed her head, and released her grip on the panda, who also proceeded to release her, without looking in Chris' direction.

"But ... what in the world made them do something so dangerous?" Kasumi asked Chris suddenly.

"Well ... truth to tell, Ms. Tendou, I've gathered that Mr. Saotome didn't fully understand what he was getting into at ... Juthenkyou?"

"Jusenkyo," Ranma said quietly.

"... because he doesn't read Chinese, so he couldn't make heads or tails of the warning signs. Understandable, probably. On the other hand, not listening to the Guide's warnings was a dumb move ... on yet another hand, it was a move I also made, so ..."

Soun had stepped out of the room and into the kitchen during Chris' soliloquy, and now returned, carrying a kettle of boiling water, which he proceeded to pour on the panda. In a twinkling, the panda became Genma once more. "So. When doused with hot water, you return to human form."

"Well, it needn't be quite that hot," Genma said, wincing in pain.

Soun ignored him. "When doused with cold water, you become a girl ..." Ranma guessed what he was going to do a second before he did it and jumped out of the way when Soun poured the kettle. "... but hot water turns you back into a boy!"

"Hot water! Not boiling!" Ranma protested.

And then Soun laughed. It was not a pleasant sound. "It's all right! Your problem isn't so big after all!"

Ranma was perplexed by this statement, as was Chris, who was making subtle signs to Soun that maybe it would be nice to test the "hot water" theory a third time ... all of which were ignored.

"My daughters. Kasumi, nineteen. Nabiki, seventeen. Akane, sixteen. Pick the one you want. She's your fiancee."

Chris' eyes went wide at this. "Fiancee?" he mouthed at Genma, who made quieting guestures back at him.

Kasumi and Nabiki exchanged a single look. "Oh, he wants Akane," offered Kasumi.

"Wha?"

"Oh definitely!" Nabiki agreed.

"You gotta be kidding!" Akane shouted. "Why would I be ..."

"Well, you hate boys, right?" Nabiki pointed out.

"You're in luck! He's half-girl! You'll be happy together!" Kasumi predicted.

"Me? With that pervert?! NEVER!"

"Hey!" Ranma interjected. "Whaddaya mean, pervert?"

"You looked at my body, you pervert!"

"You walked in on me!" Ranma pointed out angrily.

"It's different when a girl sees a boy!" Akane sneered.

"It is?" Chris inquired. "I hadn't realized that. In fact ..."

"You stay out of this!" Akane roared in the Westerner, who immediately moved to interpose the living room table between them.

"Ah, they're already the perfect couple," Soun commented to Genma.

"He's a couple by himself!" Akane shouted at her father. Ranma's eyes narrowed at that. "And if you ever do anything like it again --"

Ranma started to walk away while Akane was in mid-rant. "Sayonara," she bit out.

"Where are you going, boy?" Genma demanded. Chris wondered, as she had a few times already, what Genma would look like with yellow skin and a reduced number of digits on each hand.

"Back to China, to find a way to change back for good!" Ranma angrily retorted. "This is no time for fiancees."

She paused, then turned back to look at Akane. "And by the way ... you did take a pretty good look at me back there. But it's no big deal for me to see a naked girl. I've seen myself, plenty of times." Ranma lifted her collar, and stared down her blouse to demonstrate.

Akane was visibly shocked by that, while Chris took on a pained expression.

"And besides ... your chest is almost flat," Ranma sniffed, turning away.

Big mistake.

Akane silently knelt, grabbed the table, lifted it, and slammed it down onto Ranma's head, smashing him into the floor, with only his hands sticking out in a paroxysm of pain.

"Looks like Ranma's the flat one now," Genma muttered.

1/2 1/2 1/2

Akane had furiously headed for her room, while Genma and Soun went off to drown their sorrows and celebrate the imminent union of their houses. This left Kasumi and Nabiki in the living room with Chris. And Ranma, but as she was unconscious, she didn't offer a lot to the conversation. At least, not as a participant. As a subject for discussion, she was unparallelled.

"Uh, Ms. Tendou ..." Chris began.

"Please, Chris-san, call me Kasumi, or if you desire formality, Kasumi-san. Either is acceptible."

"Right," Chris smiled wearily. "Kasumi ... is that kettle still hot?"

Kasumi checked. "Unfortunately, no. It's lukewarm ..."

Chris sighed. "Won't do anything ... I'd just get damp." Her expression was melancholy ... more melancholy than Kasumi's father, even in his worst crying fits, ever became.

"Anyway, how did you hook up with those two?" Nabiki asked suddenly, uncomfortable with the silence.

"It's a hell of a story," Chris replied. "And if parts of it don't make sense to you, they don't make much more sense to me. But here it is."

1/2 1/2 1/2

I was born ... well, that's not important. But I grew up in the Mid-West of Canada, in a small city called Swift Current. When I finished high school, I went to the west ... to a larger city named Edmonton, to go to University.

I was just starting my fourth year there, when a friend of a friend of mine asked me to do a little favour for him. It involved driving a pickup truck even further west, across the Rocky Mountains, to a city called Vancouver. Oh, you've heard of that place? Yeah, not surprising, it's probably Canada's second or third most famous city.

Anyway, since I didn't have anything else planned that weekend, I agreed. I drove it up on Saturday morning, dropped off the truck with the guy who had arranged to have it driven, got paid ... enough to get me on a bus back to Edmonton that night, plus a little extra ... and started to look for a place to eat.

I was in Vancouver's Asian district, and I don't know Vancouver well at all. Fortunately, I'd learned to speak a fairly good brand of Japanese at university ... admittedly, most of my training wasn't in the classroom ... so I was able to ask directions.

I wonder who or what I'd managed to offend that I asked that kid for directions.

No, I don't know who he was. But his EVIL face is burned into my memory, and if I ever meet up with his vile, headband adorned, fangy person again I will not rest until I have done this and that to him and other things that aren't so nice ...!!

Sorry. Lost control there.

I asked for directions in English first. He didn't speak much of it, just "Where is", and a few other questions. So I switched to Japanese. He was a native speaker, here. Anyway, I got directions to a local McDonalds.

I followed them, and the next thing I knew, I was in a rolling field.

In China.

Yes, I know that's impossible. But what I do when the humidity jumps ain't exactly normal either. My guess is that he must have been some sort of demon, sent to make my life miserable. Or maybe just everyone's life, and he chose that moment to pick on me.

Why couldn't he have gone to Toronto, where there are some people I know who deserve this kind of thing?

Anyway, there I was. I started walking towards the sunset. A few hours later, I was at the Training Grounds of Cursed Springs. Of course, I didn't know that. I can't read Chinese to save my life. I'm not too good at Japanese, either ... the way in which I learned most of it was through listening ... but I digress.

I do that a lot.

The Guide came out, and he started to hustle me away from this one pool, shouting something about "yetis" ... that's when Genma and the kid showed up.

They'd come to train. The guide kept trying to talk them out of it, but Genma wouldn't listen. While he was arguing, I struck up a conversation with Ranma.

He's an interesting guy. He can do things that look like they belong on a Hong Kong movie screen ... but he's almost completely socially inept. The only person he's really been close to is his dad ... and you've seen how they get along. He doesn't have any concept of small talk, really. I think the most complicated way he knows how to express himself is through a challenge to a duel. Or maybe insults.

Yeah, I think I do like him. He's an okay kid. Rough around the edges, but who isn't? I take that back, Ms. Te -- Kasumi.

Anyway, finally, Genma browbeated the guide into letting them train on the poles that stuck out of the springs. They jumped up, and started darting about in midair.

It was something to see. Ranma ... hell, the kid's practically poetry in motion. It was like the second coming of Bruce Lee.

His dad went splash. And then he came roaring up, in Panda mode. I was just too freaked by this to do anything more than wonder, "How in hell does he balance like that?"

Then Ranma was falling. I didn't understand why he was belly flopping like that, he should know how to take a fall better, right? Maybe not. I don't think he's been trained in how to lose with grace.

And I don't think I'll ever understand why I ran forward to try and catch him. I mean, it's water, for Pete's sake, and the idea that a curse will descend on him who is doused in it hasn't quite sunk in.

Nabiki-san, that was an unintentional pun. Quit snickering.

But ... he goes splash, and I get splash, and instantly I understand how the other half lives.

Ranma was all but out of his skull right afterwards. He went after his father ... who swears that he hadn't realized that he was cursed when he threw Ranma like that, by the way ... and I really thought he was gonna try and kill the guy.

I talked him out of it. It wasn't easy.

When we got calmed down a bit, I asked the guide about a cure. He said that we could try jumping in the Spring of Drowned Man ... but that the last person to do that hadn't come out ... quite ... right.

I didn't want an elaboration, Nabiki-san. Neither should you.

And then we set off, heading for the nearest port. The guide stayed with us for a while, until ... certain events made it necessary for us to part company. I hope he's okay.

Uh, that's another long story, Kasumi.

1/2 1/2 1/2

"Well, in any case, any friend of the Saotome family is certainly a friend of the Tendou family," Kasumi said decisively. "Please, Chris-san, stay here as long as you feel comfortable."

"Domo arigatou, Kasumi-san," Chris said, bowing deeply. "I don't want to freeload, though ... I'm willing to work for my keep."

"Oh, don't worry, Chris-san," Nabiki said, smiling in a singularly unpleasant manner. "You will."

Chris swallowed. "Anyway ... I should probably get in touch with the Canadian Embassy. They might be able to help me get in touch with my mom ... although God only knows how I'm gonna explain ... this," she said finally, gesturing at her chest. " `Hey, mom? You know how you were always making noise about how you might have enjoyed having a daughter? Well ...' "

"And your father will undoubtably take the news hard, as well," Kasumi agreed.

Chris' features froze. "Actually, Kasumi ... no. I'd rather not go into that. Period. Okay?"

She blinked. "Oh my. Was he ..."

"NO! He wasn't ... and he's not dead or anything, it's just that ... like I said, I don't wanna go into it."

Ranma slowly returned to consciousness at about that time, and her eyes slowly opened. Chris turned to her. "Ranma? Do yourself a favor. Don't lift your head too quickly. You just got knocked a good one, and if you get up too soon, you'll feel even worse. Okay?"

Ranma nodded weakly.

"Please don't think too harshly of Akane," Kasumi said kindly. "She's really a very sweet girl. She's just a violent maniac, sometimes."

"Oh, good, Kasumi, that makes a lot of sense," Nabiki muttered.

"I think I get your meaning ... `do not tease the cute animals', right?" Chris asked.

Kasumi nodded. "Although I don't think of my little sister as an animal, of course. Well, not usually. Rarely."

Nabiki made a `don't-tell-these-weird-people-all-the-family-gossip' gesture at Kasumi, and they both got up. "What say we go run you two a nice hot bath?" Kasumi asked.

"Thank you, that would be very gracious. Right, Ranma?"

"Whatever."

The Tendou sisters went off. Chris sighed. "Well, Ranma, I told ya you were gonna be sorrier for running off like that."

"Didn't you tell me that saying I told you so was real bad manners?" Ranma complained.

"Yes. But anyway, what, aside from having the unfortunate luck to be naked in the bath when the young lady entered the bathroom, did you do to her?"

"Nothin'! I didn't do nothin'!"

"Double negative. Tsk."

"I didn't do anything, okay? I just had a sparring match with her, that's it! She said she wanted to be friends," Ranma spat out. "So much for friends, when she finds out I'm a boy!"

"I don't get it. I can understand how she'd be upset about an arranged marriage ... hell, I'd probably hacked off myself. Well, anyway, how is she?"

"Uh. Some fairly efficient moves. Way too slow though. Lot of power behind her blows, but it's just too easy to get out of the way. When she connected with that table ..."

"Yeah. Maybe a little better than ... you know who?"

Ranma shook her head. "Not even close. But since she's back in China ... you can stop worrying about her anytime now, Chris."

"I'll stop worrying about that'n when I'm dead, Ranma," Chris said soberly. Or she's dead. Preferably, he added silently.

Ranma pulled herself into a seated position. "Augh ... what kind of girl is she, anyway?"

"The kind that doesn't want a guy to see her naked, Ranma. It's a remarkably common kind, actually ..."

"Hell, she got a free show from me," Ranma grumbled, and got up to walk. She was a bit unsteady, so Chris stayed close.

"Well, maybe she's the kind that doesn't enjoy that kind of free show," Chris shrugged.

"What kinda chick wouldn't wanna see a guy's muscle tone?" Ranma sneered.

"Do you wanna see a guy's muscle tone, Ranma-chan?" Chris asked sweetly.

"No way! I mean ... what do you mean?"

"Let it go, Ranma," Chris sighed, as they headed for the bathroom.

Ranma had pulled off her clothes, while Chris was taking off her glasses, when the sliding door to the bathtub slid open.

On the other side was Akane.

Naked.

"Uh," said Ranma. "Uh. Uh-oh!"

"Ko. No. Yar. Ou!" Akane bit out slowly.

The slap rang out. Ranma stumbled into the wall. Akane turned her furious gaze to Chris. "And as for you, you gaijin weirdo ..."

"Miss Tendou?" Chris said, looking all over.

"I'm over here, baka!" she sneered.

"I'm sorry, Miss Tendou, I'm almost blind without my glasses. So, if you want to beat upon an innocent, unarmed, defenseless, untrained woman ... please feel free. You no doubt have a lot of frustration to work out, and I would be honored to be of some small service to you in this." She then stood calmly, looking at the wall a few inches to the right of Akane's head.

Akane finally growled in frustration, and stomped out of the bathroom.

"You aren't blind without your glasses," Ranma muttered, her left cheek beginning to swell in a distinctive, hand-shaped pattern.

"Ssh! You wanna get us both killed?" Chris began to undress. "Anyway, she's pretty cute."

"Nope. She's not cute. She's definitely uncute. Kawaiikune."

Chris paused. "Shouldn't that be pronounced ..."

"Do I tell you how to pronounce Eigo?"

"Well, no ..."

"Then shut up!"

The End
(For Now)

Nobody sue me, okay?

[Index]