Disclaimer: Paramount owns Star Trek Voyager and all its characters.
Written: 08/01 - 04/02
Author's note: yep, it took me 8 months! to finish this. LOL! Without
the help, encouragement and some nagging of very dear friends,
it would still gather dust on my hard drive. Thank you!  :)
Dedicated to Visigoth. Miss ya my friend!

Rated: NC-17!
 
 

Night was falling on the San Francisco Bay as I wandered along the beach
and only the illuminated grounds of Starfleet Headquarters shed some light
into the darkness. I could feel the slightly cold breeze through the fabric of
my dress and I shivered.
Eight months had passed since we came home. I had spent most of that time
in Indiana with my mom and my sister, trying to catch up on some lost time
and I enjoyed it, but I missed my starfleet-life after a while. It was good to be
back now.
I shivered again. It was getting really cold when I saw the little restaurant
up on the promenade. I hadn't seen it before, it must have been new and
I decided to take a look. A cup of coffee would be nice now.

I was right. The restaurant was new, having opened only four months ago.
It was cosy and quiet, candles were burning on each of the small tables
and they filled me with their warm glow.

I took a look around and saw him sitting far in the back. I was surprised,
almost a bit shocked. I hadn't expect to see him so soon after my arrival.
Feelings which I had desperately tried to suppress for all these months
came back instantly. I leant against one of the wooden pillars in the
restaurant and watched him, lost in thoughts.

I had a hard time accepting his relationship with Seven of Nine.
It's still a complete mystery to me how that happened in the first place.
I was convinced that he would wait for me until we were back home.
I was wrong and hurt, I had fled to Indiana. I knew that my new
assignment would bring me back closer to him again, but I needed
this confrontation to find peace and we were still friends after all, at
least I hoped so.
He didn't look good. I saw that he had lost some weight and in his eyes
was a frightening sadness. I wondered what had happened to him.
Not really hungry he picked at his salad and didn't notice me when I
went over to his table.

"Hello, Chakotay"

His head shot up and his fork dropped into the salad. For long seconds
he stared at me as if he was seeing a ghost and I thought he would faint
any moment. Then, slowly he stood up and let out the breath he was
holding.

"Kathryn..."

He swallowed hard, his eyes never leaving me. I shook his trembling
hand and was deeply moved by such an emotional reaction from him
and by my sudden urge to hug him. With great difficulty I fought this off,
but I looked down at our combined hands and remembered the warmth
of his.  When I realized that we had already held hands for longer than
necessary, I let go and sat down. The waiter arrived and I ordered my
coffee. I saw that Chakotay used the time to compose himself and sat
down too, still watching me. I smiled at him and he relaxed even more.

"You're back...“ he managed to say.

I nodded.

"Yes, I accepted a new assignment"

"That is...?"

"Teaching at the academy..."

He was shocked again, he couldn't hide it.

"Why didn't they offer you to a mission to command?"

"Actually they did...I refused..."

"Why?"

"I'd like to stay on earth for a while, we were away long enough..."

The waiter interrupted me and brought my coffee.

"We are going to be colleagues at the academy then...", he said slowly.

I nodded, then grinned.

"I'll teach command and science...poor cadets..."

For the first time he smiled back at me.

"I already give them a hard time with tactics, survival and anthropology."

"Good..."

I sipped at my coffee and he changed the subject.

"How have you been, Kathryn?"

"Hmm, not bad. Spent a lot of time with my family. Phoebe is married
now and I was eager to meet her husband and my little nephew,"
I answered, but actually thought back over all the painful time when
I had tried to forget and attempted to get over him.

"What about you? How is Seven?"

I didn't really want to know, but I had promised myself that I would find
a way to deal with it and so this was only the first step.

He didn't look at me, but picked up the fork from the salad and stared
at it as if he would find the answer there.

"I don't know", he said slowly. "We broke up months ago..."

This time it was me who was speechless. He finally looked at me, hurt
and sadness in his eyes. I didn't know what to say and the long silence
that followed was uncomfortable for both of us. I paid for my coffee to
get out of the awkward situation, but the mood didn't change. He sensed
that I was going to leave then.

"It's late, I have to go too", he said and stood up with me.

When we stepped out into the dark night it had become even colder.
I tried hard not to show how much I was freezing as we walked along
the promenade, but he still knew me too well not to notice. Wordlessly he
removed his jacket and put it around my shoulders.

"Thank you", I whispered.

His scent radiated from the jacket, and I inhaled deeply, savoring it.

We continued in silence until we reached the area with apartments that
starfleet makes available for their officers. I had moved into mine two
days ago.

"So we're also neighbours?"

Somehow I got the feeling that he wasn't comfortable at all with me
being around so much.

"Yes, I moved into the one over there".

I indicated the direction and he nodded, taking note of it.

"Mine is only four apartments away from yours", he said and pointed
to his.

"Okay..."

We looked at each other and I gave him back his jacket, mourning
at the loss of the warmth and his comforting scent. It felt almost like
ending the embrace I didn't allow myself earlier.

"Well...good night, Kathryn. See you at the academy", he said and
disappeared into the night. I looked after him until he was gone...

As I lay in my bed I wondered again what had happened to him.
He was no longer the Chakotay I once knew. He was sad, reserved
and locked up. Was it possible that he still suffered so much from the
separation with Seven? I couldn't help it, but it cut me deep that he
obviously still loved her so much...

*********

I met him again two days later at lunch break in the academy's mess
hall. He beckoned me to come over to his table and so I did. We talked
about academy business and how I had been doing so far. We taught
the same classes so we could exchange pretty well.

These meetings for lunch became a regular part of my day and I
enjoyed them very much. He slowly thawed around me, we laughed
more and it was almost like old times, but there was still this indefinable
sadness in him and every so often he withdrew into his snail shell.
I decided to wait until he was ready to tell me, I knew he would sooner
or later.

A few weeks later he invited me to dinner in that restaurant. It was a nice,
quiet evening. I could feel how we had became closer and closer with
each passing day. We finally ended up having dinner together in each
other apartments. Not every day but very often. He even started teasing
and flirting with me again. The only thing he took great care to avoid was
touching me. My deep feelings for him had already resurfaced at that
point, but there were so many things we had to talk about and so I held
back, but I longed for him, badly. Sometimes I wished that at least I could
hug him when we met, but he always kept up the distance. Until this fateful
evening where things changed.

*********

He was in a very good mood that evening. We talked and laughed
and the looks he cast on me with his dark eyes burnt like hot fire. Too
soon the evening was over and I had to go. He accompanied me to
his door and unconsciously put his hand on my back on the way.
A shiver went down my spine and I stopped. He stood very close to me
and I looked up at him, his hand still on my back. He gazed down at
me and I lost myself in his eyes. Slowly he bent down and I felt his lips
gently brush over mine. The hand on my back pulled me closer and I
wrapped my arms around him. He deepened the kiss and I responded
eagerly. My tongue forced his mouth open and I moaned in delight,
when mine touched his. His hands ran down my back and cupped
my buttocks. Arousal shot through me and I stopped thinking, all I
wanted was more of him. I brought one hand between our bodies and
I reached down to his groin to feel him. I expected to find him already
hot and erect against my hand, but I found nothing. When I began to
stroke him, he instantly broke the kiss, grabbed my wrist and forcefully
pushed me away.

"Don't...!"

It felt like a cold shower, out of breath I looked at him, confused
and questioning.

"I'm sorry", was all he said before he ran out into the night.

********

I found him at the beach, sitting on the sand, crying. I didn't understand,
I was confused and concerned and my heart ached seeing him like
this. I stepped closer and touched his shoulder with my hand.

"What's wrong, Chakotay?"

He pushed my hand away.

"Don't touch me!"

Suddenly he jumped to his feet, screaming at me.

"Leave me alone!"

When I didn't move, he screamed at me again, more aggressive
and threatening this time.

"I said, leave me alone!!! "

I never had seen him like this before and for the first time I was scared
of him and I backed away. This was the angry maquis I never knew,
the one I was sent to go after.
More tears streamed down his face, but he retained his wild posture.
I turned away then, didn't want him to see my own tears which were
now running down my cheeks, and headed to my apartment. He
collapsed back onto the sand, his sobs audible across the beach.

********

He was missed at the academy the next and the following day.
Every attempt to contact him failed. He didn't respond. I helped out
and taught his classes, but my mind was far away. I missed him too
and for the first time I had lunch alone in the mess hall. Over and over
I reflected back  to that evening and what went wrong, but even though
I was hurt and sad I was more worried about him. When I could stand it
no longer I went to see him. When he didn't answer the door or my calls,
I went around his apartment to have a look inside from the terrace. All the
lights were turned off and the house looked left behind.

I found him again at the beach. He sat on the sand and stared out at the
ocean. He noticed me coming, but he didn't move or look at me, so I sat
down too, a safe distance from him. For a long time we just sat there in
silence, watching the waves hit the shore and listening to the sounds they
made doing so.

"Tell me...", I whispered after a while, but he remained silent a while
longer.

"I'm impotent", he finally said.

I was stunned but I showed no reaction.

"Go on..."

He sighed and slowly he started to tell me.

"I was flattered when Seven wanted to date me. Hell, she's an attractive
young woman and I felt kinda honoured that she had chosen me to
explore her sexuality. To tell the truth, at that point I had given up any
hope that you would let me into your life. "

For the first time he looked at me, the sadness in his eyes more evident
than ever. I swallowed.

"Your relationship with her hurt me a lot...that's why I stayed in Indiana
for so long...I tried to move on."

I could see he was suffering, but I needed to tell him how I felt,
no matter how harsh it might sound. I needed him to realize that.

"I know...", he said and turned away again.

"Seven became very aware of her own body and what effects she
could obtain with it. That made her curious about every aspect of
her sexuality and she wasn't afraid to try things and we slept together
whenever we had time."

I wasn't sure if I really wanted to listen to that, but it was harmless
compared to that what followed.

"Seven soon couldn't get enough. It was as if an insatiable fire had lit
up in her. Again and again I had to fuck her, she always found new
ways to seduce me. But more and more I realized that this wasn't what
I wanted. Our relationship only consisted of sex, I didn't really love her,
and couldn't imagine a future with her. Subconsciously I knew... I still...
loved you..."

He struggled with his words, I knew this wasn't easy for him to admit to
me. I struggled myself. I didn't know what to say or to think and all I
could do was listen to him as he went on.

"I missed you and regretted that I had given up on you. Somehow
every time I had sex with Seven it didn't feel right anymore. I felt guilty...
The more she wanted to have sex with me the more I refused. I had
problems getting erect or I softened too early during intercourse.
She was angry and frustrated about it. Then one night, in the middle of...
she...she assimilated my...my penis....the nanoprobes prevented me
from getting soft."

He paused and took some deep breaths.

"I was hard and swollen for hours and it hurt, but she didn't care,
took me again and again....she threatened to assimilate more of
me if I didn't comply. The nanoprobes came out again with the
painful release I finally had...
The same night I packed my bags and moved out. I met her again
when I picked up the rest of my belongings and she told me that she
would be together with the doctor now. He would be able to fulfill her
needs more efficiently..."

A single tear ran down his cheek.

"God, Chakotay..."

I slid closer to him and put, hesitantly, a comforting arm around his shoulders.
He allowed it this time.

"I've been impotent since then..."

"Did you see a doctor?"

"Yes, but the nanoprobes didn't cause serious injury. Physically I'm alright,
so I thought it would come back on its own. But it hasn't so far...
The other night..., when we kissed...I thought it would happen then, but..."

"Chakotay, Seven used you against your will. In a way she raped you,
just for her own pleasure...you need time to get over it, time to heal..."

He looked at me.

"But what about us? Where do we go from here?"

"It's up to you, Chakotay. I can be there for you... if you let me..."

"I still love you, Kathryn and I want to be with you, but...I can't..."

"I waited all these years, Chakotay. I can wait longer, no pressure
from me. We'll take things slow, ok?

He closed his eyes and nodded. He searched for my other hand to
hold and to squeeze it."

********

Weeks passed. We saw each other every day, we came and went at
each others place, had dinner and spent the rest of the evenings
together on the couch and talked. We worked over all seven years in
the DQ, sorted out every fight, every misunderstanding, every affair,
every reason that kept us apart all those years. We also talked a lot
about Seven, what she did to him and how much that relationship had
hurt me. I was convinced that me forgiving him was the key to heal him
from his impotence.

He still avoided touching me. Sometimes he allowed me to lean
against him on the couch and he put an arm around me then, but we
didn't kiss, didn't hug, or even cuddle in any way.
I had promised him that we would take things slow, but I longed for
him, more than ever. He is an attractive man, his eyes, his smile make
my knees weaken at the mere thought of them. I tried to fight  my
overflowing hormones, my arousal, took great care not to confront
him with it, but it wasn't easy.

A few days later I couldn't stand it any longer. I was sitting on the
couch after he had left me that evening, thinking and fantasizing
about him. Every nerve was  on the edge and I slipped a hand
into my panties to get some release. I found myself soaking wet.
My fingers parted the lips of my hot core and started rubbing over
the aching bundle of nerves. It felt good and moaning, I sank
deeper into the couch. I was so needy that it didn't take long for
me to orgasm. A few strokes and I was there. I cried out his name
and shuddered heavily. When I looked up again I saw him
standing at the open terrace door, watching me...

He had forgotten his jacket.

Embarrassed I removed my hand from my panties, arranged my
clothes and got up. He just looked at me, wordlessly, sadness again
in his eyes.

"Chakotay, let me explain that...", I started, but he cut me off.

"Why did you do that?"

"I needed it..."

"You needed it? Like Seven?"

I didn't miss the sarcasm in his voice.

"How dare you say that?"

I stepped closer to him. He was comparing me to Seven. I was shocked,
upset and hurt. I couldn't believe he'd actually think, let alone say, this.

"I'm not Seven!", I screamed.

Tears ran down my eyes. I was angry and just unbelievably devastated
that he would think so little of me. It took all my strength not to slap
him.

"I never asked or expected anything of you. I never attacked you
like she did. I told you we would have all the time in the world and
I stuck to it. But do you have any idea what you do to me????"
You are attractive, handsome and damnit, I love you!!! I long for you
and I need to feel that you are real. You said you love me too, but you
don't touch, hug or kiss me. You keep up a safe distance and it's
driving me crazy. So yes, I needed that release, badly..."

He looked down at me, wretched and guilty.

"Please don't cry, Kathryn...I'm sorry", he whispered.

He lifted my chin and gently wiped away a few tears with his finger.

"Stop crying... please. I'm sorry...."

"What are you afraid of?," I said, my voice thick with tears. "I would
never hurt or use you."

"I know that, Kathryn," he said, his voice also thick with emotion.
I'm sorry."

Hesitating he slowly pulled me into his arms. He was tensed up and it
took him a while to relax into our embrace, but then he held me tight
against him. For a long time we stood there, clinging to each other
and eventually he released me and looked into my eyes, wiping
another tear from my face.

"What do you want me to do?"

"Hold me like this a while longer.  Sleep beside me tonight,
just sleeping..."

"I'd like that very much, Kathryn".

He took my hand and led me into my bedroom. After he had
removed his clothes, he climbed into my bed, clad only in his boxers.
He made himself comfortable under my blanket and watched me
disappear into my bathroom to put on my nightgown. I joined him in
my bed. He curled up behind me and securely wrapped his arm
around my hip and belly.

He felt good. His body warm, protective and close behind me,
his breath on my neck. But sleep was impossible, especially after
he started to let his hands, hesitating and careful, explore my body.
His hands stroked up and down my arm, back, hip, belly and thigh,
everything that was in reach. I could feel the spiral of arousal build
up in me again. I sighed.

"Do you want me to stop?", he asked uncertain.

"Of course not", I breathed, "but if you keep that up, I'm not sure if I
can stop. I don't want to push you into this just because I want it so
much..."

"I can't help it, I always longed to and dreamt of holding you like this in
my arms...all these years... I had almost forgotten..."

He sighed and continued to stroke me and soon he got bolder,
cupping my breasts and buttocks through the thin fabric of my
nightgown. Moaning, I surrendered.

He moved into a sitting position and pulled me between his legs. My back
rested on his lap and my head on his chest. He looked down at me, a little
smile on his face. Tentatively he bent down to kiss me. His hands rested on
my stomach, right under my breasts. The kiss was gentle and undemanding,
he just slightly brushed with his lips over mine without getting ready to
deepen the kiss. But then his hands continued to explore me further.
One hand ran down between my legs and caressed my inner thighs,
while the other remained on my breasts, alternately stroking and squeezing
them. When his fingers crawled up and grazed my panties, I fought with
myself, knowing I should stop him, but all I could do was close my eyes to
the sensations when his fingers slid up and down the front of my panties,
gently touching my labia through the thin fabric. Moaning I opened my legs
further to his hand. Accepting my invitation he hooked his hand under the
waistband of my panties and his fingers found their way through my curls,
reaching my opening. Still wet from my earlier playing alone and renewed
arousal, he easily slid in. I moaned louder when his index finger gently began
to rub along my folds and over my aching clit  in a circular motion. His other
hand slipped under my nightgown to touch my bare breasts and to play with
my erect nipples. I grabbed onto the sheets, whimpered softly and let him do
to me whatever he wanted to do. He continued to rub and press and twist my
clit and I went nuts when I felt my orgasm approaching fast.

"Oh God...Chakotay...", I cried out and went over the edge.

He watched in awe and wonder how I shuddered heavily in his lap
during my overwhelming climax and went on rubbing me until I had
ridden out every single wave of pleasure. Out of breath I turned around
and collapsed against his chest. He held me and his hands roamed my
back, trying to calm me. I snuggled closer and managed to whisper
"I love you" before I fell asleep.

I didn't notice that he watched me, running his fingers through my hair
over and over again in my sleep. And especially I didn't notice the
tears, which quietly ran down his cheeks.

********

When I woke up next morning I had put one leg across his abdomen
and my upper part of my body still laid sprawled on his chest, using
him as my pillow. The events of last night slowly crept into my
consciousness and it felt incredibly nice being so close to him.
Losing myself in these feelings I was ready to drift back into sleep
when I noticed something that made my heart miss a beat.

An exquisite morning erection poked into my thigh and I didn't dare
to move. I was fully awake in an instant and looked up at him.
He sounded deep asleep. My mind was racing. Was it possible or was
this just a dream, wishful thinking? Could it be that last night had
changed things? But when and how?

I didn't want to think about it any longer. God, I wanted to have a
look at him. I carefully disentangled myself without waking him,
got on my knees beside him and pushed the blanket away. I looked
down at the bulge in his boxers, the fabric was extremely stretched
out. I reached out a hand and let my fingernails gently scratch over
it. He felt huge, hard and hot.

I looked up at him again, but he still sounded asleep.

I slowly managed to expose his erection enough from his boxers
without waking him. Admiring the perfect shape, length and thickness
I carefully started to stroke and explore him as if I had never touched a
penis before. Squeezing it, I felt it start to grow even more in my hands
and I smiled. When he shifted in his sleep and a low moan escaped his
lips, I knew he would wake up any moment, but I went on touching him.

He slowly opened his eyes, pure panic and fear in them, when he
realized what was going on. I stopped all my movements on him,
but didn't let him go.

"Kathryn, what......???!!! "

"Ssssshhhh..., its alright,"I whispered.

I put a finger on my lips to shush him.

"Relax! I won't hurt you... "

He watched me when I gently and precisely resumed stroking him,
starting at the tip and working my way down to the base in very slow
and delicate movements. I looked at his face and saw him struggle to
trust me, but finally his desire overwhelmed him. His breath became
ragged and moaning, he sunk back deep into the cushions, still
watching me.

I licked my lips in anticipation, when I bent down to take him into my
mouth. I kissed the tip, then swirled and flicked my tongue around the
head, while my hand tenderly pumped up and down his shaft. Using my
other hand to tickle his balls, I started to suck him. He was panting
heavily, sweat covered his forehead and he grabbed onto the sheets
like I had the night before.

I pushed his entire length into my mouth then, sucking him hungrily.
I felt myself getting unbearably wet between my legs, but this was just
for him. His penis throbbed and twitched in my mouth and I felt the thick
blood vein along the underside pulse and flutter.

"God...Kathryn..."

He rocked his hips in rhythm with my movements and when I felt his
balls starts to tighten and his length getting even harder, I knew he
was close.

I stopped and looked up at him, our eyes locked.

"Chakotay... I want you to let everything out...all your pain...
all your anger...all your frustration...all your sadness..."

He only nodded and as soon as I put my mouth back over him he
howled and exploded. Loads of his seed hit the back of my throat
and I swallowed it all.

I released him from my mouth and crawled up to snuggle against
him. He wrapped his arms around me, overwhelmed and broken
and held me tight, without saying a word for a long, long time.

"Are you ok?", I finally asked.

He looked at me.

"What happened?"

"I don't know...you came up with that erection..."

I smiled at him and let my hands gently tousle his hair.

"...so I had to take advantage of that and give you some pleasure."

He pulled me closer, buried his face in my neck and sighed.

"I was scared first... Seven never finished me off like this...
she just did it to made me erect...to have fun on her own..."

I took his face in both my hands and looked at him imploringly.

 "It's over now... "

"Yeah...you were incredible."

He bent forward to search my mouth for a gentle kiss.

When I opened my mouth in invitation, his tongue slipped in.
He carefully explored my depths thoroughly, tickled my palate,
gently licked the insides of my lips and danced with my tongue.

I felt my arousal reviving and I pressed myself closer against our
intertwined bodies, shoving my abdomen against his leg. He could
feel the wet fabric of my panties against his thigh. He broke the kiss
and out of breath he looked at me.

"For how long have you been this wet?"

I moaned and closed my eyes.

"Since I felt your wonderful erection in my mouth."

"Hmm...want me to put it somewhere else?"

Without waiting for a reply he pushed his boxers off fully and rolled
on top of me. I gasped in surprise when I felt his hardening member
against my belly. He looked at me challengingly, while he slipped
down on me and let his erection tease my wet opening, the fabric of
my panties the only barrier between us. I was intolerably aroused
and wanted him badly, and he knew it.

"Take them off," he whispered.

He shifted off slightly to the side and I  wriggled out of my underwear.
He helped me, slipping the nightgown over my head and tossing it to
the floor. Then without any more foreplay he spread my legs and
moved back over me. He wedged a hand between our bodies and
grasped his length, nestled it right at my wet opening, the tip pressed
into me with its heat. I arched my hips into his and he hissed through
his teeth then rocked forward suddenly. I cried out at the friction of flesh
against flesh, finding unused nerves. I watched him watching me with
intent eyes as he withdrew completely and then plunged back deep
inside. I sighed loudly in utter pleasure and wrapped my legs tight
around his back.

He alternated his movements, first pounding into me with tormenting
slowness then faster with relentless determination. His deliberate
variation in pace showed me that he was back in control and I
surrendered to him willingly.

I was close, his tip rubbed over sensitive spots and I clenched my inner
muscles to feel even more of him and the wonderful friction. The
tightening around his organ made him close his eyes and groan out
loud. Then without warning, I was thrown into a violent release and I
cried out in shear ecstasy. He watched me during my uncontrollable,
shuddering contractions and continued to thrust into me with pleasurable
force. The waves still struck me when his back suddenly arched sharply,
his movements froze for a moment just before his body trembled in an
explosive climax. He roared out loud and spurted his seed deep into me,
the rushes of the liquid heat made me shiver.

Still joined we rolled to the side and collapsed into each other's arms.
We were both breathing hard and feeling each other's heartbeats in
counter rhythm. When we calmed down, he brushed my hair gently off
my face and looked at me. The sadness in his eyes was completely gone
and replaced by the love for me.
 

*********

I could hardly believe it. After all these years, after everything we'd
been through, we had finally found happiness. Sometimes when I
think about the things we had to face, the Delta Quadrant, Seven
and her antics, his impotence, I find it almost a miracle that we could
be this blissfully happy.

We never heard from Seven again. The last thing we knew was that
even the doctor couldn't cope with her anymore; and after
counselling her failed she was sent to Risa. She was considered as
'normal' there and fit right in...
 
 

The end
>:)

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