All We Can Have

by cress
Disclaimer: Paramount owns Star Trek Voyager and all its characters.
Rated: NC-17
 

This was another of those restless nights. Kathryn tossed and turned in her bed, unable to
find sleep. Sighing, she finally got up, put on her bathrobe and went into the living area of
her quarters. She replicated some coffee, activated her computer console on the desk and
sat down in front of it. She remembered this new program everyone on the ship was talking
about. Tom Paris had created it a few weeks ago and after Kathryn had agreed to set it up,
it had become very popular. It was a chat program, which allowed every crewmember to join
chatrooms and talk there to each other in their free time from almost every console on the
ship. One of the rules was to leave rank and protocol outside and not to talk about ships
business. Curious, she read the instructions and got herself access. A list of different
chatrooms appeared.

*Nightcafé*
*Neelix's Kitchen*
*Beach party*
*Singles*
*Jacuzzi*
*Captain Proton's Hideout*

She smiled. These chatrooms were all so typical for Tom Paris. She didn't want someone
to recognize her and thought hard about a nickname she could use to try out those rooms.
Gossip about the captain was the last thing she needed. She finally came up with "monkey",
in memory of New Earth.
She took a sip of her coffee and joined *Nightcafé* first, but no one was in there. She joined
*Neelix's Kitchen* then, but the one who was actually  in there didn't respond. Not willing to
give up that fast she tried *Jacuzzi*.
 

*monkey has joined room *Jacuzzi*.
 
 

<rock> hi monkey <damp> hiya <sidekick> hi monkey! <last_long> hi monkey <bitch> hello <tease> hey <monkey> good evening <waterboy> hi

bitch damp last_long monkey rock sidekick tease waterboy

Kathryn was surprised by the odd names and wondered what this chatroom was really
about and if she should order Tom to take it down again.
She didn't have time to think about it any longer, because she was pulled out into a new
chat window, separated from the main room window.

<sidekick> hi! :) sorry for dragging you into this private chat
<sidekick> but the others are busy and won't talk any more anyway
<monkey> ok...
<sidekick> what's your s/l ?
<monkey> my s/l ? what's that?
<sidekick> you are new here, right?
<monkey> yes
<sidekick> welcome then! :)
<monkey> thank you
<sidekick> s/l means sex and location
<monkey> oh, ok...
<monkey> I'm female
<monkey> and location, I'm in my quarters
<sidekick> :)
<monkey> what about you?
<sidekick> sex = male, last time I checked ;)
<sidekick> location = my quarters too
<monkey> ok
<sidekick> how are you? you are up late...
<monkey> so are you
<sidekick> yeah, but I have a late shift tomorrow
<monkey> ah ok
<monkey> well...I can't sleep
<sidekick> :(
<sidekick> may I ask why?

Kathryn leaned back in her chair and hesitated. How odd this chat was.
Should she tell him? A complete stranger? He seems nice though and these smiley faces he
used were funny. And she had nothing to lose. He didn't know who she really was after all.

<monkey> I'm feeling a bit restless again tonight
<sidekick> again? do you often have trouble sleeping?
<monkey> yes
<sidekick> why?
<monkey> the usual, too much work, too much coffee, I can't relax sometimes
<sidekick> are you in a leading position here on the ship?
<monkey> yes
<sidekick> ahh, I know the feeling... I'm in a leading position too
<monkey> really?
<sidekick> yes
<sidekick> and sometimes the responsibility I have for my crewmen are a bit crushing
<monkey> exactly

Kathryn knew this feeling way too well. Since they got stranded in the DQ,  it was her
daily companion, but she felt that she had to be strong in order to get back home.

<sidekick> do you think we'll ever make it home?
<monkey> I don't doubt that. I'm sure we'll make it! Our captain will find a way.
<sidekick> I've faith in our captain that we'll make it too. :)

Kathryn couldn't help but smile at this reinsurance. It felt good that the crew obviously
trusted her.

<sidekick> do you miss earth?
<monkey> yes
<monkey> I miss my family
<sidekick> are you married?
<monkey> no
<monkey> you?
<sidekick> no
<sidekick> do you have a relationship here on board?
<monkey> no
<monkey> there are circumstances which don't allow me to do so
<monkey> but I have a good friend. We spend a lot of free time together, have dinners
<monkey> and I really can't imagine a day without him...
<sidekick> that sounds as if you are more than just friends...
<monkey> I do have feelings for him but we can't be together
<sidekick> does he feel the same?
<monkey> I don't know, I hope so...

In the short following silence Kathryn found herself surprised how easy it was to say and admit
her feelings here. She had never talked about it before to someone and now she had opened
her heart to that stranger. But maybe that was the point. The anonymity of this chat made
things safe and she didn't have to deal with the consequences here. And the longer she talked
to sidekick the more she liked him. He was kind and obviously thought the same way she did.
The unconscious feeling that she could trust him grew with every passing minute

<sidekick> *sigh*...that sounds so familiar
<sidekick> you know, I've been in love with a woman from the day we first met here on Voyager
<sidekick> but like you, we are not together
<sidekick> we are close friends and I promised myself that I would support her,
<sidekick> be there for her, stay at her side...always... even if I can't have her yet

Kathryn froze. She had heard this story and these words before. Was it possible?
Could it be...him ?

<sidekick> that's why I have chosen this nickname here, sidekick.
<sidekick> It means the man at your side, who would kick his horse to follow the hero to
<sidekick> stay with him, or simply the best friend, who is there when you need him...
<sidekick> I truly believe that things will change once we reach home and I'm hanging in there...
<monkey> :)
<sidekick> :)

Kathryn's heart was beating fast and she was almost convinced now that sidekick really
could be Chakotay. He sounded so much like him. And oh god, he had admitted that he loves
his woman.

<sidekick> now tell me
<sidekick> why did you choose monkey when you came in?
<monkey> it's in memory of a little friend I once had
<sidekick> I like that name...it's cute.
<sidekick> :)
<monkey> thank you.

If sidekick really was Chakotay would he recognize her as well? Maybe he already had?
Suddenly this chat opened up undreamed-of possibilities for Kathryn.

<monkey> may I ask you a question?
<sidekick> sure
<monkey> you said earlier that the others don't talk
<monkey> why not?
<sidekick> they are 'busy' in a private chat...
<monkey> with what?
<sidekick> well...
<sidekick> this is no usual chatroom...
<monkey> I don't understand
<sidekick> they talk about and do...ummm...'things' here...
<monkey> what 'things'???
<sidekick> ummm... sexual things...
<monkey> oh...
<monkey> I didn't know...
<sidekick> it's ok, no problem
<monkey> so that's why this chat is so popular!
<sidekick> yeah, well...
<monkey> I understand a lot of things now...like why they use these odd names

Kathryn made a mental note to order Tom Paris to take down this program first thing in the morning.

<sidekick> well, some of us feel lonely, their partners are thousands of light years away and
<sidekick> sometimes it helps to just release some tension, it's even natural
<monkey> what exactly are you saying here?
<sidekick> people talk about sex in this chat and sometimes it ends in mutual-self masturbation
<monkey> oh my god
<sidekick> now you're shocked
<monkey> yes...well
<sidekick> disgusted?
<monkey> no!
<sidekick> then what?
<monkey> I just...
<monkey> just didn't expect this, I mean I agree on the part that it helps to release some tension
<monkey> and even on the natural part but...
<sidekick> may I ask you something?
<monkey> yes
<sidekick> do you masturbate?
<monkey> not very often
<monkey> do you?
<sidekick> yeah... hey, I'm a guy! ;)
<monkey> did you do it here before?
<sidekick> yes
<money> did you like it?
<sidekick> yes
<monkey> why?
<sidekick> I can share my fantasies here with someone else
<sidekick> and I feel protected by the anonymity
<sidekick> I won't need to deal with consequences of my actions after
<monkey> you could always use the holodeck
<sidekick> true, but the knowledge that you're actually talking to a real person makes it more exciting.
<monkey> ok...
<sidekick> so...
<sidekick> what do you think?
<sidekick> care to try it? you might be even able to sleep afterwards
<monkey> are you kidding???
<sidekick> no :)
<sidekick> in fact, I'm pretty serious

Kathryn was uncertain, but finally her curiosity was stronger. She wanted to know exactly
what her crew was doing here and if she should put an end to this. After all, she didn't want
Voyager to turn into a 'house of pleasure'. But then another tempting reason was, if that
stranger was Chakotay, it could be interesting... one of her long hidden fantasy would come
true as well.

<monkey> but... I wouldn't know what I have to do
<sidekick> leave this to me :)
<monkey> well, ok then
<sidekick> may I ask you something?
<monkey> sure
<sidekick> how long has it been since you last had sex?
<monkey> years
<sidekick> do you miss it?
<monkey> oh yes
<sidekick> :)
<sidekick> tell me about what you think when you masturbate
<monkey> umm...
<sidekick> ever thought of that friend of yours?
<monkey> yes, he is a good-looking guy
<sidekick> :)
<sidekick> I think of her too while doing it. Imagining how I'd kiss her
<sidekick> and how we'd make love, slow and passionate...*sigh*

Kathryn swallowed hard. Images of Chakotay moving over her in a passionate embrace
filled her mind.

<sidekick> so, how do you do it?
<sidekick> do you use your fingers?
<sidekick> or do you even have a nifty replicated vibrating toy? ;)
<monkey> I'm actually spending all my replicator rations on coffee
<sidekick> haha, you are a coffee addict!
<monkey> you can say that :)
<monkey> but to answer your question
<monkey> I usually use my fingers
<sidekick> :)
<sidekick> and where do you do it?
<monkey> in my bed or in the bathtub
<sidekick> in the bathtub?
<monkey> yes, I love baths, it's my favourite way of relaxing
<sidekick> sounds like it's another addiction of yours
<monkey> yes, it is
<sidekick> haha!
<sidekick> you know, if I wouldn't know it better, I would think...
<monkey> think what?

Kathryn waited for him to answer, wondering if she had given too much away
of herself. Chakotay would recognize her on those two facts alone, coffee and
bath addiction, she was sure about it.

<sidekick> ... that I know you
<monkey> you might
<sidekick> yeah...
<sidekick> :)
<monkey> :)
<monkey> to be honest, I'm wondering the same thing
<sidekick> that you know me?
<monkey> yes
<sidekick> does it bother you?
<monkey> no, on the contrary
<monkey> I have to admit it's kind of intriguing
<sidekick> I could be that friend of yours
<monkey> and I'm that woman you love
<sidekick> right
<sidekick> do you see now what I meant when I said its possible to share fantasies here?
<monkey> yes
<sidekick> so, do you want to continue?
<monkey> sure
<sidekick> ok :)
<sidekick> tell me...
<sidekick> what are you wearing, monkey?
<monkey> my nightgown and a bathrobe
<sidekick> what colour?
<monkey> peach, its a set
<sidekick> nice :)
<sidekick> ok, are you up for the next step?
<monkey> what would that be?
<sidekick> I want you to touch yourself
<sidekick> open your bathrobe for me, but slowly...

Kathryn hesitated for a moment. Should she really do this?
Those were just words -- nothing would going to happen, not the real thing, right?

<sidekick> monkey, relax! I can feel your uncertainness radiate from my screen
<sidekick> get yourself comfortable in your chair, lean back and try to relax
<sidekick> I won't hurt you. Please trust me on that. I just want you to make you feel good :)
<sidekick> and don't worry, no one else will see what's happening here
<monkey> I trust you. I just don't know if this is actually going to excite me
<sidekick> we'll see :)
<sidekick> open your bathrobe
<monkey> ok

Kathryn loosened the belt and pushed the robe aside. She looked down at her plunging neckline.
The swell of her breasts stood out against the fabric, followed by her flat, firm stomach
underneath.

<sidekick> what bra size do you have?
<monkey> 32c
<sidekick> mmm...nice...that's quite a handful
<sidekick> describe your breasts for me
<monkey> they are taut, but very soft, dark red nipples
<sidekick> mmm...
<sidekick> touch and stroke them for me with your fingers
<sidekick> cup them with your hands and knead them softly
<sidekick> feel their weight

For a brief moment Kathryn felt really silly when she enfolded her breasts with her hands.
A small voice inside her still kept telling her this whole chat was ridiculous and she should
go back and try to sleep. But she couldn't help to notice that touching her breasts actually felt
nice. Taking a deep breath, she shut out that inner voice and tried to get into it, recalling that
it might be Chakotay who gave her instructions here. Slowly she began to caress her breasts,
switching back and forth with her right hand to the console to reply to sidekick.

<sidekick> how does it feel? Are you comfortable? You know, we can always stop if you're not.
<monkey> no, I'm fine. Please go on, it feels good :)
<sidekick> :)
<sidekick> now find your nipples with your fingertips
<sidekick> caress and tease them through the fabric...
<monkey> ok...

Kathryn brushed over them and, fascinated, watched them rise instantly to meet the touch, pushing
against the material of her nightgown. She rubbed them into hard peaks and felt the first stirrings of
arousal slowly beginning to build.

<sidekick> lift up your nightgown now and continue, feel your naked flesh
<sidekick> then wet your fingers and rub them around your nipples until they get hard.

Deciding it might be easier to continue with the nightgown completely gone, she got up to remove her
bathrobe and nightgown. Putting the bathrobe back on she sat back down, made herself comfortable
in the chair and opened the bathrobe to expose her upper body.

<monkey> I've removed my nightgown
<sidekick> that means you're naked?
<monkey> yes
<monkey> I've put my bathrobe back on though
<monkey> and I'm still wearing panties
<sidekick> Mmmm... wish I could see that
<sidekick> I bet you look so beautiful
<monkey> :)
<sidekick> touch yourself now
<monkey> what about you?
<sidekick> this isn't about me, monkey. Please continue as I instructed
<monkey> all right
<sidekick> :)

Kathryn allowed her hands to slide back onto her breasts. She kneaded, and then alternated stroking the
flesh with soft fingertips. Goose bumps rose on her skin and she felt the certain tingle beginning to build
between her legs. Her fingers of one hand trailed up her breastbone, up her throat and chin and onto her
mouth. Tracing the line of her lips, she took her fingers between her lips and sucked on them, her tongue
flicked over the fingertips, wetting them, and then she placed them back directly onto her nipples. The cool
air of the room wafted over the moisture, making the sensitive buds harden even more, as she took each
one in turn between her fingers and rolled it. Images of Chakotay filled her mind and the tingle in her
lower belly was now becoming an urgent stabbing of lust.

<sidekick> are you wet yet?
<monkey> yes...
<sidekick> good, we'll have to take care of this then
<sidekick> remove your panties
<sidekick> and spread your legs for me

Kathryn did as she was told, stood up and pulled down her panties. Stepping out of
them, she noticed the fine film of wetness and the characteristic smell emanating
from the fabric. She sat back into her chair, slowly opened her legs and resumed typing.

<monkey> satin panties are gone
<sidekick> oh? satin?
<monkey> yeah, I love the feel on my skin
<sidekick> do you wear those on duty too?
<monkey> all the time!
<sidekick> hey, that's not starfleet regulation you know
<monkey> I know, haha, and that's the point. ;)
<sidekick> you're very sexy :)
<monkey> thanks
<sidekick> ok, time to take care of that wetness of yours
<sidekick> run your fingers through your folds, spread your wetness
<sidekick> and create some more
<sidekick> but don't touch your clit just yet
<monkey> ok

She moved her hand slowly over her rib cage and across her stomach. Her fingers slithered snakelike
through the trimmed pubic hair. She stopped a moment to stroke the soft downy nest, pulling at the
curls and circling her fingers around the roots. Her breathing was ragged in anticipation and her body
was urging her onward, but with a sigh, she turned back to the console.

<monkey> it's going to be hard to type one-handed...
<sidekick> yeah, I know how difficult it is
<sidekick> so don't type that much :)
<sidekick> leave it to me :D
<monkey> :)

Kathryn leaned back, smelling the scent of her own body, feeling the slick wetness between her thighs.
Damn, she hadn't done this to herself in a long time. It felt wonderful. And he was so good too.
Following his instructions turned her on. Her fingers resumed their delicate move, brushing up and down
her swollen folds, circling around, deliberately torturing herself by avoiding her clit.

<monkey> god, this feels good
<monkey> I'm so wet...
<monkey> what do you want me to do next?
<sidekick> I guess your clit needs attention?
<monkey> oh please!
<sidekick> then brush your fingertips over it, circle around
<sidekick> massage and pinch it if you like
<sidekick> do anything that makes you feel good

Her index finger moved onto her clitoris, gliding smoothly over it. She moaned, and thrust her pelvis
forward as the sweet sensation of her touch sent bolts of lightening coursing through her body. Her
fingers gently circled again and again over the sensitive area, until the swollen bud appeared from
beneath its hood. Establishing a gentle rhythm, in a teasing slowness that made her grit her teeth,
she kept brushing over her clit.

<sidekick> how is it going?
<sidekick> are you wet and needy enough yet?
<monkey> yes
<monkey> if I keep this up I'll come any time
<sidekick> good
<sidekick> I want you to push a finger inside yourself now

Kathryn pressed her middle finger forward, through the swollen labia and deep into her tight wet sheath.
This time her moan was deep and guttural and she shuddered at the friction as she eased her finger
slowly inside herself. Her wetness coated her finger entirely, as she began to slide it slowly along the
inside walls. Wet suction noise urged her on to greater speed. She was bucking now, moving her hips
hard in time with her finger, panting as her finger moved faster and faster within her. Feeling herself
rushing to the edge once again she tried to pull her soaking finger from her heat, but her muscles
hold on tight as she reluctantly forced herself to slow down. Taking deep breaths she turned back to
the consol.

<monkey> just one question
<monkey> are you aroused too?
<sidekick> yeah, I have one hell of a hard-on...
<monkey> how "big" are you?
<sidekick> my penis you mean?
<monkey> yes...
<sidekick> fully erect it's 8 inches, very thick, especially the head
<sidekick> with very heavy balls
<monkey> nice
<sidekick> fantasizing of having it inside you now? ;)
<sidekick> it would bring you great pleasure...
<sidekick> imagine all that friction on your inner walls
<sidekick> it would deliciously slid back and forth
<sidekick> penetrate you deep
<sidekick> hitting the right spots
<monkey> oh god...
<monkey> stop this
<sidekick> hehe, why?
<monkey> you have no idea what you do to me
<monkey> I so could use something bigger inside me now
<sidekick> add a second finger then
<sidekick> or even a third if you like
<sidekick> and make sure you brush over your clit on your way in and out

She did as she was instructed, slipped in a second finger, feeling her wetness surround the digits.
Slightly withdrawing them and then pushing them back in again, her pelvis trusted forward with
each stroke of her fingers. Tiny whimpers rumbled from the back of her throat, unleashed by the
force of her arousal. Shit, she hadn't felt this good in ages. This was almost as good as the real
thing. Deliberately she kept up a slow pace to prolong the pleasure for as long as possible. Watching
the screen she waited for more instructions.

<sidekick> I want you to come monkey...
<monkey> soon
<monkey> are you touching yourself as well?
<sidekick> yes
<sidekick> I've opened my pants and I'm stroking my painfully hard erection
<monkey> are you close?
<sidekick> yes
<sidekick> I'm waiting for you
<monkey> it won't take long anymore
<sidekick> good
<sidekick> push a little harder and faster
<monkey> likewise

Again and again, Kathryn pushed her fingers into her wet heat, her tempo increasing with every thrust
as she neared release.

<monkey> I'm close
<sidekick> then let go
<sidekick> come for me monkey
<sidekick< now!
<monkey> god... yesssssss

Not being able to contain it any longer she rammed her fingers down over her clit, between her vaginal lips
and deep into herself in long hard movements. Her inner walls gripped them fiercely as her head fell back
and she panted and moaned in the ecstasy when the waves of orgasm hit her. Shuddering, she rode out her
release until her muscles finally relaxed, her fingers still deeply engorged in her body. She purred, sated for
the time being. Sliding her wet fingers from where they had been, she looked at them and smiled at the smell
of her sex.

<sidekick> are you ok?
<monkey> yes...god, I had no idea words on a screen could have so much power
<monkey> I came hard
<sidekick> :)
<sidekick> so did I
<monkey> :)
<sidekick> *hugs monkey*
<monkey> *hugs sidekick back*
<monkey> I'm getting tired now
<sidekick> good, you need your sleep
<sidekick> just one more thing before you go...
<sidekick> who are you monkey?
<monkey> I can't tell you
<sidekick> please
<monkey> I think you know
<monkey> you knew right from the beginning
<monkey> just like I knew
<sidekick> no, I don't...
<monkey> please... this is all we can have...

There was a long pause and anxious Kathryn hoped he would realize what she meant. He did.

<sidekick> *clasps hands with monkey*
<monkey> :)
<sidekick> :)
<sidekick> so that means you'll be back?
<monkey> yes, it's your turn after all ;)
<sidekick> there is so much more I would want to do to you first ;)
<monkey> I can imagine!
<sidekick> O:) <-- me
<monkey> haha, yeah right
<sidekick> go to sleep monkey :)
<monkey> I will
<monkey> good night!
<monkey> and thank you :)
<sidekick> you are very welcome
<sidekick> sleep well, I'll see you tomorrow
<monkey> thanks and yes :)
<sidekick> :)

Kathryn logged off and deactivated the console. After cleaning herself up, she put her nightgown
back on and curled up in her bed, hugging the pillow to her chest. Yes, this chat was certainly
something she could have with Chakotay. It wasn't the real thing but it was close. It had to be
enough. Tired, but happy she closed her eyes, thoughts about ordering Tom Paris to take down the
program long forgotten.
 

The end
----------

Author's note: I had the first idea for this story over 2 years ago, and while talking about it,
Dakota came up with the nicknames "sidekick" and "monkey". Thank you to Spiletta42 for a
really quick beta. :)
 

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