Disclaimer: Paramount owns Star Trek Voyager and all its characters.
Written: 01/01
Rated: PG-13/R, Main Character Death
Authors Note: This is going to be a sad story, my one and only. It reflects my bad feelings
about the end of the show, caused by the rumor that one main character will die.  Maybe I'm
wrong, but if not, this story will be my way to deal with it.I'm also aware of the fact that the name
of the story doesn't really fit. The name has very personal background for me and so I use it.
Thanks to the Koffee Klub and Claudia for their help and support.

In Memory of  "Flecki"
 

The final briefing was over.
Commander Chakotay entered his assigned quarters at HQ. The door closed behind him
and the darkness of the room surrounded him immediatly and finally breaking the composure
he had desperatly tried to hold on to for days. His body began to shiver and with weak,
unsteady steps he went into the bedroom on the other side of the room. He managed to
remove his uniform jacket and fell down onto the bed. Pale and with shaky hands, he
grabbed the pillow and curled up against it. He closed his eyes when the first wave of
memories came back to him.

The last evening. Dinner in her quarters. She had smiled the whole evening and he had
loved to see her doing that. And she had touched and squeezed his hands over and over
again that night. He still could feel that, the warm fingertips of her small hand. She was so
happy that they had finally found a way to get home.

Red Alert. Shockwaves. Hullbreaches. Overloaded warpcore. Fire. Her last order to
proceed to the escape pods to evacuate the ship and keep a safe distance from Voyager.
Her refusal to leave the bridge. The last look at each other. Deep. Scared. Sad. Her
breathing over the open comlink. The sounds from her desperate work on the consoles.
The malfunctioning transporter lock. The last deep intake of breath just before the explosion.

The icy grip around his heart. Love, peace, faith, desire, friendship, brutally torn out.

The pick-up from the escape pods by Starfleet vessels. The joy, the celebrations, the
honour overshadowed by her death. The funeral. Everyones except him cried. The
admiral's speech: "She sacrificed her life to bring her crew home." The many long
briefings after that. His fight alone for the maquis-members. No time to mourn, to deal, to
feel, to think, but the knowledge that all that built up high and higher deep inside him.
The final briefing. The breakout. The breakdown.

Tears ran down Chakotay's cheeks and he grabbed the pillow even tighter. His body
tensed up in pain and loss, sweat covered his forehead, irregular deep breaths were
mixed with loud sobs. His whole body trembled violently for hours and more and more
tears soaked the pillow.

Unable to calm down alone, he slowly reached out a shaky hand to his bedside table
and took his medicine bundle. He barely touched the akoonah, when he was absorbed
into his vision quest.

Storm. Thunder. Lightning. Dark clouds. High rocks. On them Chakotay saw a wolf
running in panic. The lightning showed her hounded expression and without knowing
Chakotay began to run too, never taking his eyes from her. Where and why the slope
appeared then he couldn't say. The wolf tried to stop but failed. She glanced at him, losing
the solid ground under her paws and plunged down deep.

"Nooooooooooooo!!!"

The impact was hard and killed her at once. Chakotay burst down in front of her, screaming,
crying. Blood flowed out of her snout, all limbs twisted or smashed and Chakotay felt the
connection to his spirit world weakening. The storm and the thunder abruptly disappeared,
only the lightning remained. Tears streamed down his face as he stroked her head, his voice
only a whisper.

"God...nooooooo...nooo...why?...."

For long minutes Chakotay knelt beside her dead body, continuing to stroke over her head,
sobbing. The renewed loss caused him physical and emotional pain. Suddenly a shadow fell
on both of them and he looked up. Horrified he backed away.

"Ka..., Kathryn.....?!"

"Yes, it's me Chakotay." She slowly closed the distance and squatted down. Although he had
cried a lot over the last hours, he was able to shed more new tears when their eyes locked.

"Gods,...Kathryn..."

She saw his trembling body and the pain in his eyes and carefully reached out a hand and touched
his cheek, like she had so many times on Voyager. He closed his eyes and cried even more. That
brought tears to her eyes too and she used her other hand to pull him into her arms. Roaming his
back with her hands she tried to calm him down, at least as much as possible. He clung to her,
absorbing every touch, every movement forever into his mind.

"I...dont understand...how...?"

"Your ancestors allowed me you see you a last time in your spirit world, but I dont have much
time."

They seperated, eyes searched, found and locked again.

"Gods,...there is so much I want to say to you, things I always wanted to say to you over the
last years."

"I know."

"Kathryn..., I..., I..."

"I love you too, Chakotay."

Chakotay let his head hung down. Her fingertips grabbed his chin and made him look into her
eyes again.

"I want you to move on, promise me!"

"How? I lost everything I love and care about, you, Voyager and even her. My peace is gone."

Chakotay looked at wolf's dead body, lying beside them.

"I'm alone now."

"It was you who killed her, Chakotay. Your emotional pain is so strong that it killed her."

Chakotay's eyes widened in shock.

"But you are not alone, not any more, because I have someone for you, who is alone as you..."

The little lizard lay in her hand and was, like him, in a very bad condition. She took Chakotay's
hand and put the lizard in his. Chakotay looked down at him.

"Your spirt guide..."

"Yes, he was part of me, but now I'm gone and he is alone. I give him to you, so you get back
that part of me you lost, to find peace again."

The lizard looked into his eyes and Chakotay reached out a finger and stroked him carefully
over his back. The lizard immediatly curled up in his hands and closed his eyes. In that moment
new tears ran down Chakotay's face. When he felt the warmth of the little body in his hand the
connection to his spirit world grew stronger again.

"He is yours now, forever. Take good care of him."

"I will! Thank you, Kathryn."

"Wolf is as dead as me, so I take her with me and have a part of you, okay?"

For the first time Chakotay smiled a bit. Again she touched his cheek and looked at him.

"I have to go now. Move on, Chakotay! You have friends out there, they'll help you."

Chakotay nodded.

"Whatever happens, I will always love you, Kathryn."

"I know and so will I."

They shared a last deep look into each others eyes, then she got up and left.

The sun rose behind the rocks when Chakotay got up. He smiled at the little lizard, who
was now sleeping peacefully in his hand. Carefully he placed him into the soft grass.

"I'll be back soon. We'll get through this together..."

Chakotay opened his eyes and remembered the lizard sleeping in his hand and realized
that his trembling body had relaxed and his tears dried, so he closed his eyes again and
fell asleep, almost as peaceful as the little lizard in the soft grass.
 

The End