Disclaimer: Paramount owns Star Trek Voyager and all its
characters.
Written: 1999-2000
Rated:
Personal log Captain Kathryn Janeway:
It's been a week since this incident. Chakotay and I were stuck for
a few minutes in the
astrometrics lab, due to the diagnostic we were running there. Actually,
I don't remember
why we had laughed so much, but when I told him that I really enjoy
these moments with
him, he had that expression in his eyes again, I can't and won't refuse
to believe. The report
from the computer, that we could leave the lab again, put an end to
the situation. We have
been avoiding each other in private since that day, and then I found
this holodeck program...
Holodeck 2:
"Computer! Activate holodeck program Chakotay 496901!"
"Access denied!
"Override! Authorization Janeway P 114!"
"Program is activated!"
Captain Kathryn Janeway entered the holodeck with some hesitation. It
wasn't her habit
to gain access to a crewmember's program that way, but in this case
it was different.
She had run the weekly diagnostic on the holodecks, because Lt. Torres
and Seven were
busy repairing a few plasma relays in engineering. During the diagnostic
she discovered, by
accident, an unknown and disguised program which was run only by Chakotay,
regularly
and for many years. The fact that her first officer created and hid
it worried her.
Janeway stood in a wood which seemed familiar to her and she heard the
murmur a river
near by. Suddenly her gaze fell on something that immediately took
her breath away. In
front of her, in the soft grass, under a big tree, lay a broken black
insect trap. Within
seconds she realized where she was and why Chakotay named the program
496901.
It was a stardate without the point. In a state of shock she went on.
Everything was
there: the bathtub and her towel, the grey shelter, the Talaxian tomatoes
and even the
little monkey. Memories flashed into her mind: the virus, the plasma
storm and the legend
of an angry warrior. Chakotay had created a perfect simulation of New
Earth, disguised
it and was visiting it over and over again. And deep inside her she
knew why.
"Computer end program!"
Janeway's Quarters:
Janeway spent hours pacing through her dim quarters. Thousands of thoughts
filled her
mind, long suppressed feelings resurfaced, confused her. She tried
to fight them down.
She knew this fight so well, she had fought it again and again in the
last years and
always won . She wouldn't allow herself to lose it this time. When
her door chimed
she stopped in front of her viewport and looked into the infinity of
the stars.
"Come in!"
Chakotay had had a bad feeling for days and he knew that she was fighting
again
and that he would suffer from it. He entered the room, stopped in the
middle, folded
his arms behind his back and watched her standing tensed in front of
the view port.
"You wanted to see me, Captain?"
Janeway continued to stare through the window, feeling his look in her back.
"I want an explanation for holodeck program Chakotay 496901!"
Slowly Janeway turned around, went towards him, planted herself in front
of him
and pressed her hands into her hips. Her look was so icy, that his
heart froze up
immediately but he managed to stand firm.
"How did you find out?"
"I ran the diagnostic today."
Chakotay hesitated.
"And you got yourself access?"
Janeway nodded.
"I want an explanation for that program and I want it now, Commander!"
Anger rose up in Chakotay.
"Its my private program. How dare you go in there without asking me first!"
"You disguised it for years with an old maquis trick, Commander! After
that
incident with Seska, do you really believe I just can ignore that?
It was my
duty to have a look!"
"I'm not Seska!"
"No, but we also never had secrets before...I want an explanation as
to
why you created something like that!"
"I'm not going to tell you!"
"Now, commander!"
"Are you ready for the truth?"
Chakotay looked deep into her eyes.
"We'll see!"
"I really enjoyed the weeks we shared on New Earth. In holodeck program
Chakotay 496901 I store memories of the best time in my entire life."
Janeway's icy posture began to falter when she heard Chakotay's words.
To hide it from him she turned around and walked back to the viewport
to look outside. But he had noticed it none the less.
"Chakotay, you spend much of your free time there. But you're mourning
for
a time, which is long over. You have to stop that!"
"I can't!"
Furiously Janeway turned around and stared at him.
"It's not real and I order you to stop it!"
"You have no right, and you know that!"
"As captain I have the right to strip your holodeck privileges, Commander!"
Janeway turned and looked through the window again, certain of forcing
him
with her power. Chakotay followed her to the viewport and stopped close
behind her.
"I don't understand why this is bothering you so much. Is there something
I
should know?"
Janeway's posture tensed up again, as she desperately looked for a way
not to
show and admit her true feelings. Chakotay laid his hands carefully
on her
shoulders, feeling her resistance.
"You always fight against it, don't you, Kathryn? All these years. I
stopped
with that a long time ago."
Chakotay turned her around, so that she forced to look into his eyes.
His hands
still held her shoulders. She tried to withdraw from him, but he didn't
let her.
His hands sent shivers down her spine and he slowly pulled her closer.
"Stop fighting it. You want me the same way I want you. But protocol
and your
responsibility for bringing this crew home have made you build this
wall after we
came back from New Earth and you are hiding your true feelings behind
it."
His hands on her shoulders went up to cup her face.
"Let's tear down this wall, Kathryn!"
Janeway closed her eyes and took a deep breath. Her emotions were in
turmoil.
Chakotay felt her inner battle and approached her very carefully when
she opened
her eyes again. Gently his lips searched for hers. This tenderness
broke her resistance.
Her hands grabbed his body as the kiss grew more and more passionate.
"Captain Janeway to the bridge!"
Tuvok's call destroyed the moment. Breathing heavily and with pounding
hearts,
they separated. For a short moment Janeway rested her head back onto
his chest,
then left without a word.
Chakotay's Quarters:
Hours later the memories of the kiss wouldn't let Chakotay sleep. Janeway
had the
same problem, when he decided to go and see her she was already standing
in front
of his door.
"Chakotay, we have to talk about this."
Her voice was thick with emotion and unsteady. Chakotay only nodded and let her in.
"But please don't say we have to define parameters again, Kathryn."
Janeway had to smile about that and the tension between them eased.
But then she
became serious.
"We can't do that, Chakotay!"
Chakotay grabbed her right hand and held it.
"You are frightened and I understand that, but how long do you want
us to suppress
our feelings for each other? We've done it for three years now, since
we got back
from New Earth. We sacrificed our love for this wonderful friendship,
but deep inside
it caused more pain than help, didn't it?"
"We are senior officers. We have to make decisions, solve conflicts
and disagreements.
Think of the time when we were dealing with the Borg, how it strained
our relationship.
And I don't think I need to tell you about protocol, duty and responsibility."
Chakotay grabbed her left hand too and held them both against his chest.
"Kathryn, look in my eyes and tell me that you'll be able to back out again."
Janeway looked into his eyes, hesitated.
"I..."
"We'll find a way to make it work, if you're willing to try, Kathryn!
We have
plenty of time, we don't need to rush things,...but please don't push
me away
anymore."
With imploring eyes he looked at her and she recognized, with shock,
the pain
she had caused him over the years. It melted her heart. Carefully she
withdrew
her hands from his chest and pulled him into an at first shy, then
very firm embrace.
He responded immediately. For minutes they clung to each other wordlessly.
Janeway had put her head on his right shoulder and was listening to
his breath.
After a while he led her to the couch without breaking the contact.
He laid down
and pulled her on top of him. She snuggled up to his chest and closed
her eyes when
he started to run his fingers through her hair, lost in thought. He
smiled when she
fell sound asleep.
She awoke first next morning and slipped away from him without waking
him up.
She took the woollen blanket from the armchair and covered him with
it. For a
long moment she watched him sleep, then left his quarters.
Sickbay:
"Captain Janeway! What a surprise. Don't you feel well?"
"Doctor, I need to talk with you. Do you have a moment?"
"Yes, of course."
"I need your advice."
"Sure."
"Doctor,...I..."
"Yes captain?"
"How can I explain this? ...I have developed deep feelings for someone on this ship."
"Commander Chakotay?"
"How do you know that?"
"Well, it was always very obvious that you two care a lot for each other."
Janeway began pacing nervously in sickbay, while the Doctor was watching her.
"Yes, but..."
"But now you don't know if its right?"
"Actually I disapprove, Doctor. Chakotay is my first officer. I'm the
captain.
Too many things won't allow us a relationship, but if I'm honest,
I enjoy his
nearness more than anything else. I need him."
"Then give yourself over to him!"
"I'm responsible for each crewmember and it is my duty to bring them
home.
I'm frightened, frightened of losing my strength as captain and losing
sight of
my goals, because of some romantic feelings."
"Do you trust him? Do you think he would use your weakness in some way?
Does he push you?"
"I trust him more than anyone else on this ship. He wouldn't take advantage
of me or do something I wouldn't agree with, I'm sure. We already spent
a
night together - we only fell asleep on his couch."
"Then forget your fear. You'll find a way to make it work."
"Funny, he said the same thing."
"Look at you. Your eyes are shining and the tricorder shows me an increasing
hormone level in your body. Butterflies in your stomach?"
Janeway blushed and smiled.
"You're in love, Captain! Enjoy your feelings. Spend time together,
its good
for both of you."
"Thank you, Doctor!"
The doctor smiled and Janeway left sickbay.
Messhall:
Janeway entered the messhall to have breakfast. On her way to Neelix's
kitchen
she looked around and saw Chakotay sitting in the back of the room
eating and
reading a report.
"Aaahhhhhh, good morning, Captain! Did you sleep well? You look mind-blowing today!"
"Good morning, Neelix."
Neelix overacted a little bit, as always, and attracted attention with
it. It got on her
nerves but she was careful not to show it. When Chakotay became aware
of the
situation, he lent back in his chair and smiled. Janeway caught his
amused look.
"What do you recommend this morning, Neelix?"
"Oh Captain, I made my famous Talaxian scrambled eggs this morning.
They're delicious."
"Okay, I take them, with some toast and a pot of coffee."
"Almost there!"
Janeway could feel Chakotay's gaze in her back, while she was waiting
for her breakfast. He watched every move she made. She got nervous.
"Voilá. Eggs, toast and coffee!"
"Thank you, Neelix."
Janeway turned around and walked, with the tray in her hands,
over to Chakotay's table.
"Good morning, Commander. May I?"
"Good morning, Captain. Yes, please."
Chakotay smiled.
"Neelix was very impertinent today, wasn't he?"
" I hate it!"
Janeway smiled back and started to eat.
"But you didn't answer his question. Did you sleep well?"
Chakotay whispered that question, because the messhall was getting
filled up. Janeway looked at him and smiled again.
"Much too well..."
She whispered the same way and locked her eyes with his. When she continued
to eat he read his report. For the first time both struggled to hide
their feelings
for each other in front of the crew. Janeway was still nervous and
Chakotay
couldn't help but devour her with his eyes from time to time. They
left the messhall
together and entered the empty turbolift.
"Bridge!"
They stood wordlessly side by side. Then Janeway suddenly turned around to face him.
"Computer! Hold turbolift! Chakotay, I..."
She looked at him and as if she had given him an order, he pulled her
in his
arms. Kissing him hard and passionately she pushed him against the
turbolift
wall. But then backed off as quickly as they had come together.
"Computer resume course! Okay, we' re on duty, Commander. Pull yourself together!"
"Yes, ma'am!"
The turbolift door opened onto the bridge and Janeway stepped out. Chakotay
followed her and couldn't suppress a big grin.
Bridge:
"Good morning, gentlemen."
Janeway nodded to Tuvok, Harry Kim and Tom Paris, who already stood by their stations.
"How far until we were in reach of this nebula, Mr. Paris?"
"Five minutes. But it's in visual range."
"On screen!"
Shimmering blue and red, the nebula appeared on screen.
"Mr. Kim, report."
"The nebula contains hydrogen, helium, gamma radiation and ... omicron particles, captain."
"Very good!"
Janeway looked at Chakotay's right hand, which operated the console
between
their seats. Skilfully his fingers passed over it and Janeway was caught
by his
movements. A wave of arousal shot through her when she imagined his
fingers
passing over her body this way. Shocked by the intensity of this feeling
she stood
up a little bit too fast. Chakotay gave her a questioning look, but
she avoided his eyes.
"Bridge to Torres!"
"Yes, Captain?"
"Prepare everything to collect the omicron particles."
"Acknowledged!"
"I want a full report at 14.00 hours. Janeway out. I'll be in my ready
room.
Chakotay, you have the bridge!"
Janeway escaped into her ready room, sat down behind her desk, buried
her face in her hands and took some deep breaths. She hoped desperately
that Chakotay not going to follow her.
Chakotay's office:
Personal log, Commander Chakotay:
Kathryn has avoided me for almost two days now. She runs away from me
as if she can't stand my nearness. Actually, I really don't know what
happened,
why she has retreated again. I know she needs time, she is still fighting
and
hasn't found a way to deal with the whole situation yet. Even if it's
hard for me
I try to be patient, I have to. God, I wish I wouldn't miss her so
much.
Ready room:
Chakotay entered the ready room and gave Janeway a PADD.
"We've been very successful collecting the omicron particles. We were
able to
replenish all our energy supplies, Captain. Torres and her crew did
well."
"That's good news."
Neither Chakotay nor Janeway showed any emotion, because both were
trying to suppress their feelings.
"Anything else?"
"No, Captain."
"Dismissed!"
Chakotay was on his way to the door, when Janeway stopped him.
"When are you off duty, Commander?"
"16.00 hours."
"I want to talk to you then. In my quarters."
"I understand."
Janeway's Quarters:
Her door chimed.
"Come in!"
Chakotay entered her, as always, dim quarters. Janeway was waiting for him.
"It can't go on this way, Chakotay."
She walked towards him and circled round. He stood still and listened to her.
"I'm nervous, excited and distracted simply by your present. I
long constantly
for you to touch me...I want to touch you. That must be stopped, Chakotay!
I've lost all my control over that, but I have this ship to run, so
I've tried to
escape from these feelings, but that has only made it worse..."
Janeway went to the viewport to look outside. Chakotay followed her.
He
stepped behind her, ready for rejection, he wrapped his arms carefully
around
her waist and pulled her against his body. She closed her eyes and
let it happen.
"I feel the same, Kathryn! We not only suppressed our feelings all these
years,
we also suppressed our desire. Now that everything has changed we were
overrun by it. But we must not resist this."
Chakotay increased the pressure in his arms to pull her even closer
to him.
She could feel his breath on her neck, it made her tremble and raised
goose bumps.
"We should satisfy our desire...and there is only one way...make love to me, Kathryn!"
Janeway took a sharp intake of breath and whirled around to face him. He let her go.
"Commander!"
"I know, I said that we don't need to rush things, but..."
Janeway put her left hand on his chest and her fingertips of her right
hand on his
lips to silence him.
"Tell me what to do!"
Chakotay took her hands and looked deep into her eyes.
"Do you trust me?"
When Janeway nodded he put her hands back onto his chest.
"Then do what you want!"
Janeway ran her hands unsteadily over his chest, still not sure what to do.
"Kiss me, Chakotay!"
Chakotay bent down to kiss her, at first very gentle and slow, then
more and more
passionately. Janeway tugged at his uniform jacket to free it from
him. When she'd
done, his turtleneck followed. While her hands now touched his bare
skin, he was
also freeing her from her clothes. Then, with almost painful slowness,
he ran his
fingertips down her neck, shoulders, breasts and belly. She moaned
in pleasure
when he repeated the journey with his mouth. Their lips met in another
deep kiss
and Chakotay opened the fastener of her bra, slipped it off her arms
and covered
her breasts with his hands, kneading and stroking them softly.
Janeway reached down her hands to take off first his pants, then hers.
Now all that
remained of their clothes were his boxers and her panties. Once more
he started to
trace a path down her body. With lips and tongue he sucked and
nuzzled her erect
nipples. She moaned again. When he reached the fabric of her panties,
he removed
them quickly and buried his face between her thighs. Her legs felt
like jelly when he
carefully licked her hot and wet centre. She gasped and grabbed his
dark short hair.
He got up then, caught her by her wrists and led her to the couch.
He pulled down his
boxers and sat down. She straddled him, laid her arms around his neck
and closed
her eyes as she felt him enter her slowly. When she opened her eyes
again she looked
up into his. They were dark with desire.
"And now take everything you need from me, Kathryn!"
With their eyes still locked she began to move, withdrew almost fully,
then let him fill
her deeply again. The sensations the friction caused overwhelmed her.
In that moment
the DQ, the crew, protocol, duty, responsibility and even her fight
no longer existed,
all shattered into million pieces. She increased the pace when she
felt her climax building
up incredibly fast, she shuddered when she saw in his eyes that he
was as close as she
was, and only waiting for her. A few more thrusts sent them over the
edge. They cried
out each other's names and Janeway collapsed heavily against his chest.
He held her
close until she calmed down. With his fingertips he lifted her chin
and looked at her.
With his thumb he gently wiped away the two tears which were running
down her
cheek. He kissed her and pulled her back into his arms.
"I love you, Kathryn!"
Chakotay didn't expect a reply, but felt her clinging closer to him.
He carried her into
his bedroom after a while, put her down on the bed and joined her.
She immediately
snuggled up to his chest again, not wanting to break the contact. Minutes
passed
wordlessly. Then Janeway was the one who started talking.
"What did you do in the holodeck program all the time?"
She gave him a questioning look and he smiled.
"I built the boat and added more living space to the shelter. I explored
the river and
went on some of those camping trips you hate so much, but most times
I spoke with
my animal guide there."
"I want to see all that. Can you show me?"
Holodeck 2:
Chakotay had led her around. All the time she was awfully quite but
searched for
physical contact with him. Now they stood in front of the boat by the
river.
"It wasn't that easy to built this. First there were a few leaks and lots of water came in."
Chakotay grinned.
"Do you remember that day when I met you on my way from the holodeck
to my
quarters? I was wet to the skin."
"God, yes!"
"You scolded me that I took off the safety protocols... they were never off."
Janeway smiled and squatted down.
"I like it."
She touched the boat with her hands, lost in thoughts. When she took
his hand
to pull herself up again, she didn't let him go.
"Your program showed me very clearly how you feel and I'm really touched
by all this,...nevertheless I want you to delete this program."
When Chakotay backed away from her, shocked and despairing, Janeway
realized
that she had phrased it the wrong way. With both hands she gently covered
his face
and looked deep into his eyes.
"What I actually wanted to say is that you don't need this program anymore.
You said
you keep memories of the best time in your entire life in this program,...but
the best time
in your life has just begun..."
Chakotay stopped to breathe when Janeway paused and bowed her head.
It seemed
that she needed to gather all her courage for her next words. And then
she looked up at him.
"Chakotay, I...love you too...and I want to be with you...forever."
Chakotay was radiant with happiness. He pulled her into his arms and
whirled her
around before he kissed her.
Personal log Captain Kathryn Janeway:
...and now we are together. I lost my fight after all these years, but
it's good, because
I love him, even if I never wanted allow myself to admit that. He deleted
496901.
I know it wasn't easy for him, but I will do everything I can to see
that he never
misses that program...
The End