Chain Letter Rant

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Chain Letters
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Hello. My name is Alfonso Merkin.
I am suffering from rare and deadly diseases, poor scores on final exams, lack of sexual activity, fear of being kidnapped and executed by anal electrocution, and guilt for not sending out 50 billion fucking forwards sent to me by people who actually believe that, if you send them, the poor 6-year-old girl in Arkansas with lung cancer brought on by secondhand smoke from cigarettes smoked by the big bad men who kidnapped her and took pornographic pictures of her for use on their child pornography website will get 6 fucking cents every time you send me the letter.

Do you honestly believe that Bill Gates is going to give you and everyone to whom you send "his" e-mail $1,000?
How fucking stupid are you?!?!
Oo-o-o-ooh, looky here! If I scroll down this page and make a wish, I'll get laid by every Victoria's Secret model in the catalog!
What a bunch of bullshit.
So, basically, this message is a big Fuck You to all the people out there who have nothing better to do than to send me stupid chain-mail forwards. Maybe evil chain-letter leprechauns will enter my apartment and sodomize me in my sleep for not continuing the chain which was started by Jesus in 5 A.D. and brought to the U.S. by midget pilgrims on the Mayflower and which, if it makes it to the year 2000, will be entered into the Guinness Book of World Records for the longest continuous streak of blatant stupidity.
If you're going to forward something, at least send something mildly amusing.
I've seen all the Send�this�to�50�of�your�closest�friends-and�this�poor�wretched�excuse�for�a�human�being will�somehow�receive�a�nickel�from�an�omniscient�soul forwards about 90 times.
I do not fucking care!
Show a little intelligence, and think about what you're actually contributing to by sending out forwards.
Chances are, it's your own unpopularity.
P.S. Please forward this to at least 50 of your best friends!

The 4 Basic Types of Chain Letters:

CHAIN LETTER TYPE 1:

Make a wish!!!
Really, go on and make one.

(Oh, please! They'd never go out with you!)

Wish something else.

(Not that, you pervert!)

Is your finger getting tired yet?
STOP!!!
Wasn't that fun? Hope you made a great wish. Now, to make you feel guilty, here's what I'll do. First of all, if you don't send this to 5,096 people in the next five seconds, you will be raped by a mad goat and then thrown off a high building into a pile of manure. It's true! Because this letter isn't like all of those fake ones. This one is true!!! Really!!! Here's how it works:
..Send this to 1 person:
. . .One person will be pissed off at you for sending them a stupid chain letter.
..Send this to 2-5 people:
. . .2-5 people will be pissed off at you for sending them a stupid chain letter.
..5-10 people:
. . .5-10 people will be pissed off at you for sending them a stupid chain letter.
..10-20 people:
. . .10-20 people will be pissed off at you for sending them a stupid chain letter.
Thanks!!!! Good Luck!!!

CHAIN LETTER TYPE 2:

Hello, and thank you for reading this letter. You see, there is a starving little boy in Baklaliviatatlaglooshen who has no arms, no legs, no parents, and no goats. But this little boy's life could be saved! Because, for every time you pass this on, a dollar will be donated to the Little Starving Legless Armless Goatless Boy from Baklaliviatatlaglooshen Fund.
Remember, we have no way of counting letters sent, and this is all bull. So go on, reach out. Send this to 5 people in the next 47 seconds. Oh, and a reminder � if you accidentally send this to 4 or 6 people, you will die instantly. Thanks again!!!

CHAIN LETTER TYPE 3:

Hi, there! This chain letter has been in existence since 1897. This is absolutely incredible, since there was no E-mail then and probably not as many 8-year-olds writing chain letters. But here's how it works. Pass this on to 15,067 people in the next 7 minutes, or something horrible will happen to you, like:

QUEER HORROR STORY #1
Miranda Pinsley was walking home from school on Saturday. She had recently received this letter and ignored it. She then tripped in a crack in the sidewalk, fell into the sewer, was gushed down a drainpipe in a flood of poopie, and went flying out over a waterfall. Not only did she smell nasty, but she died. This could happen to You!!!
QUEER HORROR STORY #2
Dexter Bip, a 13-year-old boy, got a chain letter in his mail and ignored it. Later that day, he was hit by a car, and so was his boyfriend (hey, some people swing that way). They both died and went to hell. They continue to suffer in hell where they are both cursed to eat adorable kittens every day for eternity. This could happen to you!!!

Remember: You could end up like Pinsley and Bip. Just send this letter to all your loser friends, and everything will be okay.

CHAIN LETTER TYPE 4:

As if you care, here is a poem I wrote. Send it to every one of your friends.

Y FRIENDS Y
A friend is someone who is always at your side.
A friend is someone who likes you even though you smell like poop.
A friend is someone who likes you even though you're disgustingly ugly.
A friend is someone who cleans up for you after you've soiled yourself.
A friend is someone who stays with you all night while you cry about your loser life.
A friend is someone who pretends he likes you when he really thinks you should be
. . raped by a mad goat and then thrown to vicious dogs.
A friend is someone who scrubs your toilet and vacuums and then pockets your check
. . and leaves and who doesn't speak much English-- no, sorry; that's the cleaning lady.
A friend is not someone who sends you chain letters because he wants his dreams of
. . untold wealth to come true.

Now pass this on! If you don't, you'll be eaten by yaks.

There. Now that we've covered and dumped on the four main types of chain letters,
here comes the ironic part.
In order for this to get any popularity, send it on!!!
If you don't think it was at all funny, don't bother... Otherwise, forward this sucker to everyone you know!
I don't care either way, but why not show it around? Take two minutes and forward it. Thanks!
Remember, the moral of the story is: If you get a chain letter, ignore it.
If it's a joke or something worthwhile, send it, sure,
but if it's gonna make people feel guilty (i.e., the limbless and luckless lad from Baklaliviatatlaglooshen)
or if it might make them feel nervous (i.e., Miranda Pinsley who ended up in a cascade of caca),
send it to the Trash Pile instead.
Do yourself and everyone else in the world a favor, and just say:
"# $ @ % Chain Letters!!!"

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