The One With
the Wrong Addressees
by Godeerc VanDrey
Category: Friends
Genre: General, Humor
Rating: PG
Language: English
Summery: Season 7.
A/N: Okay, this one’s been in the works for awhile, but
I’m ready to put it out. Might as well get as much out as I can before I collapse into
another lengthy break. So, this
one will be like my General fics. I hope you like it.
Scene
1: Joey’s Apartment
(Joey
listening to music)
Singer: Ergo… oceanus, maritimus, opacare, matutinus, septentrio, meridies, occidens et orientis… ergo… terra, stella, hiems et aestras, ergo, autumnus et tempus vernum… tempus vernum
(A/N:
This is “Tempus Vernum,” by Enya,
a song in Latin.)
Joey:
Dude, I don’t think she speaking English.
(OPENING
CREDITS)
(COMMERCIAL
BREAK)
Scene
2: Joey and Rachel’s Apartment
(Rachel
sorting through the mail)
Rachel:
(reading) To Ken Adams, from the office of Dr. Regina Filangie. Hmm. Wrong address. (picks up another letter) To… Racquel Greene,
with an extra “e.” Uh.
Joey:
Any mail for me?
Rachel:
Not yet. Unless you’re
(picks up another letter) Joe Tribbibbiani.
Joey:
No, but I’ll read his mail. Magazine
companies are always sending him trial issues. (takes
the letter)
(Rachel
rolls her eyes)
Scene
3: A Bridal Shop
(Ross,
Phoebe, and Monica enter)
Monica:
Okay, let’s see what I’m looking for. (puts a list out of her purse; flips it
open, and it rolls down to the floor, back a bit, before bumping into Ross’s
shoe)
Ross:
Oh boy.
Phoebe:
Hey, Ella!
Ella:
(a young woman)
(Ross
opens his mouth, but Phoebe shushes him)
Ella:
Getting married? (looks at Ross)
Phoebe:
Nah. Just helping out
a friend. His
sister. Plus, you don’t marry him
unless you want a divorce.
Ross:
Thanks you…
Phoebe:
Any time. And you?
Ella:
Not yet. I just come here to freak out
my boyfriend.
Monica:
Ross, Pheebs, I need your opinion.
Phoebe:
Monica, please don’t use my nickname.
Call me
Monica:
Okay. Now, I’m debating shoulder
sleeves. I’m wondering what color thread
to use. I’m thinking eggshell would
suffice, but would it too wild to go with light sea foam?
Ross:
Well, the sea foam…
Monica:
Light sea foam. Sea foam is a paint
color that you use in a guest bedroom or possibly living room as long as you
have an alternate meeting place.
Ross:
Yeah, light sea foam. Nah, it’s not too
wild.
Phoebe:
Ross, are you kidding? Light sea foam
doesn’t go well with the white dress. Go
with the eggshell for now. Brighter
colors wouldn’t match the color scheme.
Monica:
You’re right…
Scene
4: J & R’s Apartment
(Rachel
still looking through the mail; Joey watching TV)
Rachel:
Another one for Ken Adams. I wonder if
he used to live here. (sniffs it) It’s got bad perfume
on it.
Joey:
(not paying attention) That’s great. Cool, soap commercial.
Rachel:
(looks over) Oh, brother. That soap
doesn’t get that much lather.
Joey:
I wish there wouldn’t be so much lather.
Rachel:
Really. Ugh, Green, like the color. (looks at another letter) And Miss Chanandelor Bong’s Entertainment Weekly. Ooh, they have an article on Brad Pitt. (looks through it)
Scene
5: Central Perk
(
Jessica:
(the waitress, for any of my non-regulars) Wow,
Jessica:
Course not. Good luck with Monica, by
the way.
down his muffin) And when I say I love her I mean I love her work because
she’s a writer and not on my freebie list.
Jessica:
Why are you telling me this. And with no commas?
Jessica:
(clears her throat but says something inaudible)
Jessica:
(clears her throat as she says) Why should I repeat this? You think I’m stupid? (this
takes awhile)
Gunther: (comes over) Jessica, your cough sounds bad. Need water or a break or something?
Jessica:
No, I’ll be fine.
(a lady walks in)
Gunther: Can I get you something?
Lady:
Decaf with cinnamon, please.
Gunther: You got it. Jessica.
Jessica:
(carrying a tray) I’m busy. There are
other waitresses. You just don’t know
their names.
Gunther: What? (a waitress walks by) Hey…
Alicia:
Alicia.
Gunther: Alicia, a double chocolate mocha for this lady.
(Alicia
looks at the lady)
Lady:
Decaf with cinnamon.
Alicia:
Right. (gets her it)
(looks over the chairs by the gang’s couch)
Lady:
Sir, is this chair taken?
(
Lady:
Sir?
Lady:
Is this seat taken?
Lady:
(laughs) That was a lame joke.
Lady:
What’re you reading?
Diana:
Me!
Diana:
Yes, show me the back of my book so I know that I know I’m me.
Diana:
Thanks for the criticism…?
Diana:
(still eyeing the exuberant
(
(Diana
sits patiently, takes a sip of her coffee)
(
(Diana
takes another sip)
Diana:
Nice to meet you. (pause) You can run back out and get
your stuff now.
Gunther: (calmly) No running.
Jessica:
Thanks, Gunther.
That really helped. (turns around, and runs
into a table, and spills the contents of her tray onto the table) Whoops.
Scene
6: The Bridal Shop
(Monica
looking at dresses)
Monica:
Pheebs, I’m wondering. Would a twelve and half foot tail be enough. ‘Cause this
twelve and three quarters has this extra embroidery on the end.
Phoebe:
Uh…
Monica:
Enough about the tail. For my veil,
should I use this diamond shaped pattern, or would this fish-scale pattern
accent my cheeks better?
Phoebe:
Well… I do like the fishtail pattern.
Monica:
Fish scale. Not fishtail.
Phoebe:
Oh, well, fish scale’s really nice.
Monica:
I thought so too. By the way, purely
inquiring, what do you think of this pointed neckline?
Phoebe:
It points up.
Monica:
Yeah.
Phoebe:
Kind of like a, uh… (whispers in her ear)
Monica:
(looks disgusted) Take it away. (an
attendant does so)
Ross:
(as Phoebe looks at him) Princess syndrome. She’s a chronic sufferer. It’d been years since her last attack, but we
think it’s a lost cause now.
Scene
7: J & R’s Apartment
(Rachel
still looking through the mail)
Rachel:
Joey, we got three of the same audition notice.
One for “Joey Tribani,” one for “Joseph
Stalin,” who’s a dead Portuguese explorer, and for “Holden McGroin,”
which is a name
Joey:
No reason.
Rachel:
(picks up another letter) I need to talk with my folks more.
Joey:
Why?
Rachel:
My dad just sent me a letter for Jill.
Joey:
She’s hot.
Rachel:
Joey!
Joey:
Come on. Redheads are the best!
Rachel:
Jill’s blond.
Joey:
That’s what they all say. Plus, she’s about to come on TV.
Rachel:
My sister?
Joey:
Your sister? I though we were talking
about Scully.
(Rachel
groans and drops her head to the counter; and comes back up with a letter on
her head, which she pulls off, leaving the addressee “Mr. and Mrs. Josef F. Trabbini” on her head)
Scene
8: Central Perk
(
Diana:
Funny? Absolutely. Good?
Well, needs some work. You’re too
formal. Though that does give it a bit
of depth of humor, it takes away from the surface level wisecracks. And your little story? Okay, but after awhile, people would stop
saying, “Guess what?” to your character, Michael. I mean do you know anyone who actually makes
a joke every other time he opens his mouth?
Jessica:
(pours him some coffee) Really? (leaves)
Diana:
You could try to get it published, but I think it’s too long for any free
submission places, like magazines, but it’s not enough to get you your own
column in the New Yorker or anything.
Jessica:
(passes behind the couch) Yeah, but if they wanted another sarcastic columnist,
couldn’t they have just called him, ‘cause they know where he lives. (leaves)
Diana:
I like that waitress, don’t you?
(COMMERICAL
BREAK)
Scene
9: J & R’s Apartment
(Rachel
looks at another letter)
Rachel:
Joey, do you know a Dick… Quackenwaddle?
Joey:
Yeah. Yasmine, go get Dick. (the chicken runs out from under the cabinet in the kitchen
and runs into Joey’s room)
Rachel:
Yeah. Oh, and I’m supposing (reads an
envelope) Miss Yasmine McClucker
is here, too?
Joey:
Yasmine, you’ve got mail.
(the AOL “You’ve Got Mail” message is heard)
Joey:
(sighs) Yasmine, get offline. I told you, I’m expecting a call. You can get online at four.
(“Good-bye”
is heard)
Joey:
Thank you, Yasmine.
(the chicken comes in and clucks)
Joey:
I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to yell. Can I have a hug? (picks
her up and puts her in his lap) Good girl.
Scene
10: The Bridal Shop
(Ross
and Phoebe sitting down in chairs with Monica in the dressing room)
Ross:
(talking to a couple) Me? Yeah, I’ve been married three times.
Lady:
(Terri) Two divorces, what happened?
Ross:
Well, it’s three, but I won’t go there.
First time, Carol, she decided she wasn’t the right woman for me. She found the right one for her.
(the man, Doug looks scared)
Terri:
Second time?
Ross:
It was going great. Actually, it wasn’t. She’s British, and we went to
Terri:
Aw.
Ross:
The place we wanted to get married in was have
demolished.
Terri:
(fearful) Oh. Doug,
you sure your cathedral still there?
Doug:
I think.
Ross:
Well, then, lo and behold, in comes my ex-girlfriend.
Doug:
Ugh.
Ross:
No, no, I was excited. I’d invited her.
Terri:
What?
Ross:
We’re friends. So,
anyway. I don’t know what, but
while I was saying my vows, her name slipped in. It didn’t go over well. Emily wasn’t that excited about her being
there anyway.
Terri:
Wow. Lucy?
Doug:
A friend. We were little kids together. Forget her.
Terri:
So she divorced you?
Ross:
Well, there was some reconciling, but it ended up with a dinner party with the
whole gang, plus Rachel. Emily called,
figured there was no way for me to rid my life of Rachel, so permanent
doghouse.
Terri:
Dear. You said… three?
Ross:
Okay. The next year, my sister, who’s
getting married now, was celebrating her first year anniversary of dating this
guy. My best friend,
by the way.
(Phoebe
huffs)
Ross:
One of them. And, we got into this rift
because she was dancing in the window.
We got into this prank fight, and she ended up with a permanent ink
moustache, and stuck in my room. We got
really drunk and later found out we got
married.
Doug:
Interesting.
Ross:
Welcome to my life. So,
anyway. I was going to get it
annulled, but then problems. They needed
her there. Resurfacing
feelings. Comments by certain
people (motions his head back to Phoebe, who doesn’t notice) that I might still
be
in
love. All sorts of
stuff. Anyway, she found out I’d
delayed the annulment. Then, we were so
mad, we screwed our annulment interview. (Ross throws his hands in the air)
Scene
11: Central Perk
(
wouldn’t hurt to have a bit more comic relief.
I don’t know, have him fall over or something,
something random.
Diana:
(gives him a strange look) Yeah, right.
Jessica:
Like your suggestion to every TV station to show Baywatch?
Jessica:
Cartoon Network?
(Jessica
rolls her eyes and leaves)
Scene
12: The Bridal Shop
(Ross
still talking)
Ross:
…a bonus night! Can you believe it?
Monica:
So, what do you think? (in a very stunning wedding
dress)
Ross:
Uh…
Monica:
Yeah, I know. Shoulder straps are a
quarter inch too thick. And don’t even
start with the waist design. Veto, I got
it.
Ross:
But…
Phoebe:
I’ll go help her.
Ross:
Anyway, about little Ben. That was so
not my fault. She’s the one who wanted to baby-sit
him.
(Doug
and Terri are completely stunned)
Ross:
You agree! Finally! Oh, I forgot something about the letter… It’s important…
Scene
12: J & R’s Apartment
(Rachel
and Joey watching TV)
TV
Announcer: …and police are looking for a man, 5-foot-10, with black hair,
possibly Italian. Sources say he was
seen with Ursula Buffy shortly after she stole a hundred dollars worth of food
from her workplace. One woman was able
to
identify his as “Joe Trumani.” Police are looking into this. Here’s a report from the couple Miss Buffay was serving, Paul and Jamie Buchman
Paul:
She never was a good waitress, but this is the worst. She’ll probably be back on Monday, late, ready
to serve us the wrong entrée.
Rachel:
Joey?
Joey:
Tell me about it. Stealing food! You have to pay for it, unless it’s good, and
we’re talking deluxe, supremo good.
(Rachel
rolls her eyes)
Scene
13: The Bridal Shop
(late at night; Monica still looking)
Monica:
(comes out in a flirty wedding dress)
Ross
and Phoebe: (look at each other) No.
Monica:
Heck no. But is that not the cleanest
sewn back you’ve ever seen? (turns around)
(Ross
shields his eyes)
Phoebe:
It dips too far.
Monica:
Mmm-hmm. Wait,
I got one more.
Phoebe:
Dress or series?
Monica:
Series, of course. I mean, we’ve got try
on everything before we decide on a top twenty list or so, then we have to
match with shoes.
Phoebe:
Wow, we’re never getting out of here.
Ross:
Talk about anal-retentive.
Phoebe:
Gross, Ross!
Ross:
It’s a condition when you’re overly-meticulous.
Phoebe:
Still not getting you, Ross.
Monica:
Yes, but with inch and a half heels, wouldn’t that
cause an off-center look with a veil more that eighteen inches?
Ross:
Get it?
Phoebe:
Oh.
Scene
14: The Streets Of
(
will
be his downfall.’ the creature said before stumbling to the floor, picking
himself, and checking to see that no one was watching, spoke into the
emptiness, ‘Beware, Sonriso! You are mine!’ “ (
grabs it and takes it over to the cashier.)
Scene
15: Central Perk
(
nowadays.
Joey:
I would, too.
(Monica
and exhausted Ross and Phoebe enter)
Gunther: Regular?
Ross
and Phoebe: Yeah.
(they sit down, or plop down)
Monica:
Pretty good. Not much selection, though.
Ross:
You should know, you tried them all on.
Monica:
I didn’t try on that really skimpy one.
Phoebe:
Yes, you did.
Joey:
Yeah!
Joey:
Sorry, I miss guy time.
Ross:
Hey!
Joey:
Ross, we’ve been over this. Museums do
not constitute guy time. Especially art museums with no naked Greek chick statues.
Rachel:
Did Joey just use the word “constitute” and “naked Greek chick” in the same
breath?
Ross:
Well, you were pretty impressed by the caveman exhibit. Or the cavewoman should I say.
Phoebe:
Ooh, tell about that one you really like.
The one with…
Monica:
NO! I want
Ross:
White?
Monica:
Ross!
Phoebe:
Mon, of course it’s white.
Monica:
I guess.
(
Monica:
Stop thinking about me in a bikini!
Ross:
Mon,
(several guys have a similar look as
Jessica:
Two regulars. (gives them to Ross and Phoebe, who
promptly pour numerous sugar packets in each) So, how was your visit with
Diana?
Monica:
Diana?
Monica:
Oh, she’s great. You met her?
Jessica:
Oh, yeah. They exchanged
manuscripts. That’s grounds for
infidelity in most states.
Jessica:
(mock courtesy) Be right back, sir.
Rachel:
Listen, Pheebs, I’m going to the grocery store. Wanna come?
Phoebe:
Sure, but why?
Rachel:
I want your opinion about whether this cashier looks like Brad Pitt.
Phoebe:
I mean if it’s anything like your George Clooney look-alike.
Jessica:
(same tone) Here’s your coffee, sir.
Ross:
Well,
(COMMERCIAL
BREAK)
(ENDING
CREDITS)
Scene
16: J & R’s Apartment
(Joey
listening to music)
(CREDIT:
Lauren Hillebrand
as Diana Owler)
Singer:
And who can say if your love grows as your heart chose – Only Time…
(A/N:
This is, of course, Enya’s “Only Time,” the theme
music for Season 8 commercials)
(Ross
walks in, and Joey turns off the music, and jumps up)
(pause)
Ross:
Dude, were you listening to Enya?
Joey:
(lying) No.
Ross:
Joey.
(CREDIT:
Debbie Matenopolous
as Jessica Williams)
Joey:
(turns it back on) C’mon, is that not the most beautiful thing you’ve ever
heard, music-wise?
Ross:
(listens, pensive, then sways) Well, it’s… pretty…
Joey:
(sings) And who can say why your heart cries when your
heart lies?
Ross:
(joining him) Only time…
(Rachel
and Phoebe walk in)
(they halt the music; Ross and Joey exchanges classes)
(Joey
starts it again)
Joey
and Ross: Who can say when the roads meet (invites them to join them)
Phoebe
and Rachel: (join them) …that your love might be in your heart (motions to
their hearts)
J,
R, R, & P: And who can say when the day sleeps, if the night keeps all your
heart…
(they swoon)
J,
R, R, & P: Night keeps all your heart…
(
Monica:
Is it just me, or is getting married making us saner?
J,
R, R, & P: (deeply passionate) Only time…
(END)
A/N:
Wow, that might not make my top ten list, but it’s
still a pretty good one, don’t you think?
Really, what do you think? I don’t
like to brag about myself. (Actually, I
do, but my readers don’t like me to.)
This idea has been floating around
for
awhile, so it wasn’t that fresh, but I hope you liked it anyway.
In
the works:
The
One With the Hypnotism: This one will likely be
next. The title tells a lot, so I won’t
go into detail what it’s about, but it will be of the same genre of this fic.
The
One With the High School Days, Parts 3-5.
They’re planned, but I want to work some with them, so don’t hold your
breath. Though, I will not be abandoning
these because I’ve already started this series.
The
One With the Sweet Dreams: This one is under serious
construction, but it’s the only thing I really have in the works. I’ll get inspired to write other fics pretty soon.
VII.
The One With the Final Visit (or whatever the final
title will be): I’m going to do a lot of thinking on this one. I want to go out with a bang. If you have ideas for Godeerc fics, I will be glad to write them, but they will not be
part of the
series unless you’ve got a good one that I use for VII. Use my e-mail address (if it’s currently up)
or in a review. Thanks.
Other
fics:
The
Mystic in the Hellmouth series: I’m having trouble
with this one. I’ll try to get it up and
going, but no promises just yet.
Utopia
(Buffy): Not the name, but I’m muddling around with certain Buffy scenarios.
Doppelgänger (Buffy): I have several ideas, and am trying to work them into a good fic.
Krisreo Varaqué (Star Wars): Will take awhile. I’ve got high standards for this one. Will be good.
^_^
- And who can say whether readers like… what Godeerc writes… Only reviews…
Thank you, thank you very much. And
please come back, ‘cause Godeerc’s
got some great stuff in the works.
©2002. Created Monday, July 22, 2002.