The One Where Vegas Is Different

by Godeerc VanDrey

Category: Friends

Genre: General, Humor

Rating: PG-13 (Yes, this one gets a little racy; that is so unlike me)

Language: English

Summery: Season 5. The One In Vegas, changed. Monica and Chandler catch Ross and Rachel as they are leaving the chapel, and decide to get married too, as Phoebe and Joey run in. Afterwards, Ross and Rachel, still drunk, have their honeymoon even after promising Monica they wouldn’t. Chandler and Monica have theirs. Joey and Phoebe have and early frienaissance, and they reevaluate their “get-together plan”.

A/N: Hey, how’s it going? I’ve seen a lot of people doing different Vegas trips, and I’d thought I’d write my own. This is a different version of The One In Vegas, and I hope you like it. Oh, and I tried to put more C&M in this one for those complaining readers. This is for you guys.

Scene 1: The Little White Chapel

(Chandler and Monica are waiting for their wedding when Ross and Rachel run out)

Ross: Well, hello, Mrs. Ross! (throws some rice)

Rachel: Well, hello, Mr. Rachel! (throws some rice)

Monica: My gosh! Chandler, we have to stop them!

Chandler: As if it wasn’t already too late?

Monica: Ross! (Ross turns)

Ross: (to Rachel) Look, honey, it’s Monica!

Rachel: Oh, hi, Monica. I just married your brother. Isn’t that funny?

Chandler: Oh, that’s just downright hilarious.

Ross: Look! It’s Chandler. I love this guy.

Rachel: Chandler lives with a duck.

Chandler: Yes he does. Tell me, why did you get married?

Ross: Because, later, we get to eat a lot of grapes.

Chandler: Wow. And I thought Joey’s identical hand twin idea was a bit off-center.

Rachel: Oh, my gosh, you’re at a wedding chapel, too. Are you getting married? (goes into a brief giggling fit)

Monica: Actually, we were planning to...

Ross: That’s great, Monica. (hugs her) Oh, Rachel, we should watch!

Rachel: Yeah, that’d be fun. (gasps; with deep realization) But what about grapes?

Ross: (sighs; firmly) Grapes can wait.

Chandler: You know, I’d make a joke, but this is just entirely too random for me.

(Joey and Phoebe run in)

Joey: Hey, guys, you caught them!

Phoebe: Yeah, they were totally planning to get married!

Monica: Actually, we were too late.

Phoebe: Oh, no! That’s terrible.

Joey: Pheebs, they’re standing right there!

Phoebe: Shhh! They’re drunk. They don’t know that!

Joey: Oh, yeah, oops. Ross, Rachel, you are not here.

Ross: Okay, fine with me.

Rachel: Yeah, (whines) but I want to be here. Chandler and Monica are getting married here. (Joey and Phoebe’s eyes widen)

Phoebe: Oh my gosh! That’s great!

Joey: So, Chandler, who was going to be the best man? Do not say Ross, do not say Ross.

Chandler: I wasn’t planning on one. But since we’re all here, you guys can watch us. No best man, no maid of honor, just the two us in holy matrimony. Me and Monica’s wedding.

Monica: Monica and my wedding.

Ross: Hey! Correcting grammar is my job. Besides, it’s “Chandler’s and my’s wedding.”

Rachel: That totally made sense. I always talk wrong.

Joey: (whispering to Chandler) Ross and Rachel have been acting a little off. Have you noticed?

Chandler: Joey! They probably emptied their minifridge. Of course they’re acting strange!

Ross: Strangely.

Monica: He’s right. An adverb such as strangely does modify a verb. Even when he’s drunk, he does it.

Joey: Cool.

Chandler: Monica, my love, what do you say you and me get hitched?

Monica: (smiles) Yeah. (tone changes) But you ever call it “getting hitched” again, I will divorce you.

Chandler: And therefore join the leagues of your brother. Well, let’s get it on.

(OPENING CREDITS)

Scene 2: Inside the chapel

Minister: ...and I know pronounce you man and wife. You may kiss the bride. (Chandler kisses Monica; and they run out)

Scene 3: Outside the chapel

Monica: Oh my gosh, I’m married! I’m married!!! I’M MARRIED!!! (aggressively) Yes!

Chandler: What have I gotten myself into?

Rachel: I’m married, too!

Monica: Yeah, we’re going to talk about that later, okay? You know, when you’re not... intoxicated.

Rachel: Well, sure.

Ross: Well, me and Rach were planning to go to Pizza Hut.

Joey: Cool. Why there?

Ross: Do you know any more romantic place to go for your honeymoon dinner?

Joey: (thinks) Nah, not really.

Phoebe: Oh, it’s nice, but have you ever tried McDonald’s? (Joey thoughtfully considers it)

Monica: Listen, Chandler and I are going to find somewhere to celebrate. Ross, Rachel, promise me you’ll just go to the hotel. And go to sleep. Nothing else.

Rachel: Sure, what else is there to do?

Joey: You could... (elbowed by Monica)

Monica: Nothing. Nothing at all, Rach.

Ross: All right, see you later. (staggers off with Rachel)

Joey: Think they’ll...?

Phoebe: Totally.

Scene 4: Ross’s hotel room

(Staggers in with Rachel)

Ross: That was sooooo nice of the Pizza Hut people to give us it free.

Rachel: Honeymooner’s special.

Ross: Wow, look, a bed.

Rachel: Cool…

Scene 5: Outside the hotel room, a bit later

(Phoebe and Joey walk up)

Phoebe: ...and we would have had words, then I would have killed him.

Joey: Whoa. I can’t believe you’d do that.

Phoebe: Yeah, I totally would. But don’t you worry. You’ve got certain attributes that I might require.

Joey: Like what? (beaming)

Phoebe: (looks him up and down) Never mind.

(the turn the corner)

Phoebe: We should go back to my room and work it out. I’m sure we can make the necessary pre...

Joey: Shhh. Listen, from Ross’s room. (puts his ear on the door) They’re...!

Phoebe: Told you!

Joey: (he suddenly pulls away from the door) Pheebs, listen to this. Rachel just... yelped really funny.

Phoebe: (puts her ear again the door; and her eyes widen) Oh my gosh, he’s... (shakes her hands, disgusted; whispers into Joey’s ear, who eyes widen, too.)

Joey: No way! I never thought that people really did that. Doesn’t it hurt?

Phoebe: (smiles knowingly) No.

Joey: You’ve had that done to you?

Phoebe: (smile disappears) No... but listen to Rachel. Does it sound like it hurts?

Joey: (listens in again) I don’t know...

Phoebe: Listen, we’ll go back to my room.

Joey: Tell me you don’t want to try “that”.

Phoebe: Heck no!

Scene 6: Phoebe’s Hotel Room

(Joey and Phoebe walk in)

Phoebe: So you could totally be a psychic.

Joey: (skeptically) I don’t know... It seems like your kind of thing.

Phoebe: Joey, I promise you. Everybody has ESP. Just clear your mind. Now, how do think we’re going to get together?

Joey: (eyes closed, concentrating) I see... a baby.

Phoebe: (interested) Ooh, so you think you’re gonna get me pregnant?

Joey: Maybe... but I think... I mean, I feel... it’s going to be a bit more complicated than that.

Phoebe: Whoo, I can’t wait. But, be nice. I’m keeping track of your behavior. Later on it will transfer to the size of my engagement ring.

(time lapse)

Phoebe: Hit me!

Joey: Ooh, 22. Bust.

Phoebe: Joey, a nine, a four, and a seven add up to twenty.

Joey: Uh-uh! See, watch the calculator. (he picks it up and presses buttons) 9 plus 4 plus seven equals... -2?

Phoebe: Joey, honey, the cross is the “plus” sign, the bar is the “minus” sign.

Joey: Learner’s block, my foot! This is why I had trouble in math class!

Scene 7: Outside Chandler and Monica’s hotel room

(Chandler and Monica walk up, arm in arm)

Monica: I’m married.

Chandler: And that’s the 4,756^th time you’ve said that tonight.

Monica: I’m sorry, but it’s what I’ve always wanted. And you?

Chandler: Monica, I’ll admit it. I am a bit commitment-wary, but the way Joey lives, for instance, that’s only a fantasy. My dream is to get married, especially to you.

Monica: (smiles sweetly) Oh, Chandler, I love you. So, “this” (waves her hand between them) is really okay for you?

Chandler: Absolutely. I’m here with my girlfriend of one year, and we’re so lucky to be succeeding at craps. And then I asked for a sign. And I got it. Eight’s our lucky number. I couldn’t be happier married to you. My dream has come true.

Monica: (smiles broader) You are so getting it tonight.

Chandler: And the Chan-man scores again.

Monica: Chandler...

Chandler: Sorry, I’m a kidder. (Monica nods) But, all that stuff I said before, I wasn’t kidding to least bit.

Monica: (sighs in happiness) Into the bedroom, now. (pushes him in)

(COMMERCIAL BREAK)

Scene 8: Outside of Chandler and Monica’s Hotel Room

(Chandler and Monica walk out, smiling)

Chandler: Wow.

Monica: I know, let’s go see what the others are doing. (A/N: Let’s have Phoebe’s hotel room be across from Chandler and Monica’s) (she knocks on the door) Phoebe?

Chandler: Must still be asleep. See if you can quietly walk in. (Monica inserts the spare key into the door, and opens it slowly)

Monica: (whispering) Phoebe...? Chandler, come look at this. (he follows her in)

Chandler: How cute. (Phoebe and Joey are sleeping on top of the covers, Phoebe’s head on Joey’s shoulder; she stirs)

Phoebe: Joey? Wake up. (he rolls around)

Joey: (in his sleep) Hey, Hugsy. (holding tightly to Phoebe’s arm)

Phoebe: Joey!

Joey: (he darts awake) Hey, Phoebe. I was just sleeping.

Phoebe: You thought my arm was your stuffed animal.

Joey: Really. (grabs it and rubs it again his face) Soft, but not fuzzy. (pause) That’s a good thing. Oh, morning Chandler, Monica.

Phoebe: (turns around) Oh, yeah, didn’t see you. Good morning. You two are smiling a lot. Oh, honeymoon night. (winks)

Chandler: And... you two.

Joey: Oh, yeah, the best! (Chandler struggles to keep a fake smile)

Monica: As much fun as us?

Joey: I don’t know. I’ve never been on a honeymoon before.

Phoebe: Me neither. Duncan was really much of a husband.

Joey: He also thought he was...

Phoebe: Yeah, yeah, don’t remind me. You’re up to one carat now. (wiggles her fingers)

Chandler: Are you catching any of this?

Monica: Not one bit. (to Joey and Phoebe) So, what did you do?

Phoebe: We were having a frienaissance.

Chandler: Is that...?

Monica: I’m not sure, but I don’t think so.

Joey: Oh, we’d better go check on Ross and Rachel. I think they had a fun night, too. (smiles evilly)

Monica: What?! What ever happened to sleeping? Let’s go find out what’s going on. (they exit the room)

Chandler: So, they...?

Joey: Yeah, in fact, Ross... (whispers to Monica and Chandler; whose eyes widen)

Chandler: Oh my gosh! I didn’t even know Ross knew about that!

Monica: He doesn’t! But, Rachel does.

Chandler: I’m not surprised. I don’t think Ross even knows about... (whisper to the other three)

Joey: No way! Everybody’s know about “that”! (he gets looks from Chandler and Monica) Oh my gosh!

Chandler: Please tell me that the first “that” really disgusts you, right?

Monica: (obvious tone) Yeah!

Chandler: Good, ‘cause I was (emphasis a la Chandler) so not looking forward to trying it.

Scene 9: Ross’s Room

(Ross and Rachel sleeping in bed together)

Ross: (stirs awake and sees Rachel in his arms) Rachel... but it’s been two years... or has it? No Chloe? No Emily? What a long dream. (snuggles up closer)

Rachel: (smiles and snuggles back, before opening her eyes confused, seeing Ross smiling) Ross!

Ross: (jumps back) What?

Rachel: What’s going on?!

Ross: I don’t know. Just laying bed with my girlfriend.

Rachel: Ross, we broke up two years ago!

Ross: Huh?

Rachel: Remember Chloe?

Ross: Oh, you remember that?

Rachel: (infuriated) Yeah!

Ross: I’m sorry. I woke up next to you, and I guess I thought I had dreamed the whole thing. I’m sorry. So did we...?

Rachel: No. I would remember that. (gets out of bed)

Ross: Rach, I think we did.

Rachel: Why?

Ross: Your tank top’s on backwards and you’re wearing my boxers.

Rachel: (examines herself) Oh. We were drunk.

Ross: Oh yeah. But if you’re wearing my boxers, what am I wearing. (they look under the covers)

Rachel: (covering her eyes) Oh, no, I did not have to see that. Takes those off! Here’s your suitcase. Put something on. I’ll go change in the bathroom.

Ross: Yeah, I’m just going to leave them under the covers. You can get them later.

Rachel: I’m burning them.

Ross: I would if you weren’t going to.

Scene 10: Outside of Ross’s Hotel Room

(Chandler, Monica, Joey, and Phoebe quickly walk up to the door; Monica knocks)

Ross: (answers door) Monica. (stalling) How’s it going?

Monica: Is Rachel in there?

Ross: All right. Yes, she is. (Joey giggles) And, yeah, that happened. But we were drunk, okay?

Monica: I know; I saw you at the wedding chapel.

Ross: Wedding chapel? Oh my gosh, did you and Chandler get married?

Chandler: Yeah, man, we did. Don’t you remember?

Ross: No, sorry. Oh wait, white hall, flowers. Oh, I sorta do. (grabs Chandler, with a lowered voice) Oh, yeah, before I forget. If you ever do anything to hurt my sister, I will hunt you down, and kick your...

Chandler: I get the idea. (he laughs, but Ross gives him a hard stare) Okay.

Phoebe: So, how’s Mrs. Geller?

Ross: What?

Joey: Rachel, duh.

Ross: What are you talking about? We’re not getting back together. We were drunk.

Rachel: (coming out of bathroom; seeing the others) Guys! You’re probably wondering what I’m doing in here.

Ross: I’ve explained it to them already.

Monica: Ross, we’re talking about you getting married.

Rachel: Ross, you got married? When? You spend the entire night with me. (Joey snickers) Joey, stop snickering.

Ross: I’m not the only one. (Rachel looks at him, then gets a face of realization)

Rachel: Monica! Chandler! You guys...?

Monica: Yes! (they hug)

Joey: Not only them, too.

Rachel: Joey? Phoebe? (surprised look) You guys?

Phoebe: No! Not for another few years!

Rachel: Oh, so I got married. To whom? (another look of realization)

Ross and Rachel: (pointing to each other) You!

Joey: Uh-oh. This doesn’t look too good.

Phoebe: Nope. It will be better for us, I promise.

Joey: (smiles) Really?

Phoebe: (sweeps her hand across his cheek; whispers flirtingly) Oh yeah. (Joey giggles approvingly)

Rachel: ...so we got married, then we...?

Joey: Oh yeah.

Rachel: You knew?

Joey: We came by to see you. You two were making a lot of noise.

Ross: And you didn’t try to stop us?

Phoebe: We tried, but you guys didn’t hear. You were (clears his throat) occupied. (giggles)

Ross: I’m not in the mood for jokes.

Chandler: Then why am I here? I’ll just leave. (his shirt is grabbed by Monica)

Ross: Okay, so it happened, all right? Was so great about, you know, an hour of drunken confusion? (Joey giggles) Joey, how long were we at it?

Phoebe: We came by around eleven, and you were pretty well into it.

Joey: Yeah, me and Pheebs finally drifted off around two-thirty, and about four I got up and it seemed to calm down.

Ross: That’s like five hours!

Joey: Chandler and Monica never last that long.

Ross: Too much information.

Monica: As if hearing about you and Rachel doesn’t bother me.

Chandler: So, man, what are you going to do? I think... I think you’ve got a divorce lawyer, right?

Ross: Funny. Well, I guess we’re going get it annulled.

Joey: Listen, man, you just got married and... you know, but I don’t think surgery’s the answer.

Phoebe: Oh, you know, you could stay married.

Ross: Phoebe...

Rachel: Hey, what’s wrong with staying married?

Ross: Uh, well, Rach. To tell you to the truth, I don’t mind be married to... you. And like I really want a third failed marriage. Are you saying you want to stay married?

Rachel: Heck no. We are so getting this thing terminated.

Chandler: (a la Schwarzenegger) I will be back... and divorced.

Ross: Yeah, but first, let’s go down and talk to the guys at the Little White Chapel. I can’t believe they let us get married when we were drunk.

Joey: Most of the people in Vegas are drunk. Phoebe and I were drunk when we got married. You’re only married in Vegas if you get married in Vegas. Phoebe told me so.

Ross: One, no, you’re married everywhere even if it’s Vegas. And two, you and Phoebe got married?

Joey: No, but we wanted to make you feel better. But, hey, if it makes you feel better, we’ll get drunk when we get married, okay? Be it to each other or anyone.

Ross: Okay. Thanks... I think. (looks over at Rachel with confusion as she looks back at him with a similar expression)

Joey: So, you have fun... you know, with “that.”

Ross: Joey, what are you talking about? (Joey whispers in his ear) Ugh, I’ve never heard of doing that. I did that?

Rachel: Did what? (Ross whispers in her ear, she shrieks) Where did you learn that?

Ross: Apparently from you.

Joey: Whoa. Hey, Ross, do you know what... (whispers in his ear) is?

Ross: No.

Chandler: See, I told you!

Rachel: Don’t tell me. (Joey whispers in her ear) Joey!

Ross: What’s he talking about?

Rachel: You really want to know? (he nods) Remember when you took me to that dig in New Mexico?

Ross: Oh, that. At that hotel on the way?

Rachel: No, not that. When I had you buy all those weird things at the store.

Ross: So...

Rachel: No, second time.

Ross: (smiles) Oh, now the name makes sense.

Joey: What did you do the first time? (Rachel just stares) Oh. That way. Where’d you learn all of this?

Rachel: From Monica. (all heads turn to her, especially Chandler’s) Except for the thing on the way. Phoebe taught me that.

Phoebe: My gosh! That thing that I taught you? To Ross?! (giggles uncontrollably)

Chandler: Exactly what kind of trip was this?

(A/N: No, I have no idea in the world what I’m talking about. This is just for comic effect. My mind doesn’t even go there. Your own mind makes up the jokes. Don’t even try to figure something out.)

Scene 11: The Little White Chapel

(the gang inside)

Ross: ...so, the marriage weren’t legal?

Minister: I’m afraid not. The reimbursement letter came in this morning. My form wasn’t filled out right, so they had to deny it. The marriage wasn’t technically legal. I’m sorry.

Rachel: No, sir, that’s wonderful. Ross and I were intoxicated at the time and this way, we won’t have to go through the trouble of getting an annulment.

Minister: That’s a good thing, I guess.

Monica: Phoebe, (whispering) I think I feel... relieved that I’m not married to Chandler. I sorta feel like we’re not ready yet.

Phoebe: Wow, that’s gonna hurt, ‘cause you don’t love him anymore.

Monica: Yes, I do!

Phoebe: Good, that’ll make it a little easier. I was just testing you.

Chandler: (quietly to Joey) Joe, after seeing Ross and Rachel last night, I’ve been getting these feeling’s that maybe me and Monica rushed into marriage to quickly. I think I like not being married anymore.

Joey: Oh, that may be hard to tell her.

Chandler: Yeah. I’d better tell her. (to Monica) Can we go somewhere else and talk?

Monica: (unsure) Sure.

(they exit into the casino area)

Rachel: Ross, (hugs him) aren’t you glad we’re not married?

Ross: Oh, yeah, absolutely thrilled that I’m not married. It just fills me with joy.

Rachel: Ross...

Ross: I’m kidding. You want to go back to the room and pack. I’ll be up in a minute.

Rachel: All right. See you... sweetheart. (laughs)

Ross: Sure... honey.

Minister: So, how can I help you?

Ross: Oh, nothing. Me and her (points toward Rachel outside) are just glad that we’re not really married.

Minister: Oh, why not?

Ross: I thought you said that your form or something was wrong.

Minister: It’s not. Your other friends aren’t married. Some one else must have married you two. I didn’t realize you were talking about your wedding.

(Ross gets a shocked, worried look on his face)

(END)

A/N: I know some people hate these, but I’m going to put it in. It’s my choice. If you want to read it, fine. If not, review right now. I tried my best to put things in about the same place as they were to continue on to Season 6. I really enjoyed writing this fic, and I hope you enjoyed reading it. I just wanted to play with the characters a bit. I will have some more out shortly. I’ve got several pages of ideas for fics, and they will be out as soon as they are developed and written. Thank you for your support!

Oh, for the future, I’m doing many more fics. I have, of course, the romance The One Where Rachel Moves In planned and in the works. I’ve also got another fantasy fic in the planning stage, something really different. In addition, a General Season 2 fic is planned and ready to be written, The One With the Kitty. There a bunch of other stuff I’m doing, but for right now, I’m improving my existing ones, just to get into the habit.

$_$ - Vegas, baby. So, “See you later” until the next fic!