The One With the Awkward Silences

by Godeerc VanDrey and Creedog VanDrey

Category: Friends

Genre: General, Humor

Rating: PG

Language: English

Summery: Season 4. The girls find three guys while guy hunting. Chandler meets up with an admired computer programmer and his fiancée. Joey, meanwhile, meets up with a guy named Phillip at a gift store. Ross meet up with a woman named Anna, who he starts to date. Phoebe later brings in Justine, a traveling business woman. Surprise come to all of them when they bring them all together. (C: That was a long summery. GV: Well, if you’re the one who had nine characters in your story. Might I add that I only have a few of them who had small parts.)

A/N: This is the first of three chapters in a series titled, “The One With the New Friends.” This title not indicate that I have created a new set of Friends, but rather, that the gang makes some new friends, though in using this title, I must capitalize it to “New Friends” so that you know it’s the certain set of characters that I’m creating… (CV: Ahem.) …sorry, introducing, to you. They’re Creedog’s characters from his The One With the Power of Crests Series as Creedogmon. (CV: Very funny. No “The One” title, just “Power of Crests.”) Ahem. (CV: Okay, “Creedogmon’s Power of Crests;” the other one belongs to renowned Digimon author Debbie Dai-chan.) Anyway, this uses his characters from that story. (CV: You change their ages!) Deal with it. (CV: I am. I have to. It’ll be in “The Fate of the World.”) Anyway, this fic will introduce you to a lot of new characters, which may be very confusing, so you may want to read “The One With the High School Days” Series, so you become comfortable with them.

I’ve changed the title many times. Originally, it was TOW the New Friends. Then it became TOW the Mental Chess Game (which used to be the title of Part 1 of TOW the High School Days). Other titles include: TOW Bad Geography, TOW the Novice Daters, TOW the Penguin Lovers, TOW Joey’s New Friend, TOW Phoebe’s New Friend, TOW Annoyed Actress, TOW Foreign Languages, TOW the Dorky Sarcastic Guys, TOW the Hot Figure Skater, TOW Phoebe Doesn’t Have a New Job, TOW the Fake College, and TOW They All Went to High School Together

Scene 1: A Bar

(the girls are looking around, guy-hunting)

Rachel: C’mon, over there. There has to be some cute ones at the counter.

Monica: Why the sudden urge to seek out members of the opposite sex?

Phoebe: She’s getting over her lobster.

Rachel: Ross was not my “lobster.”

Phoebe: Ross is your lobster whether you like it or not. It doesn’t mean you can’t have some turkeys on the side.

Monica: So, what does your Turkey Theory say about relationships?

Phoebe: There’s no (as if it were something absurd) Turkey Theory. I mean some of these guys here are real turkeys!

(OPENING CREDITS)

Scene 2: The bar

(the girls have spotted a trio of guys and are going in for the kill, figuratively)

Rachel: Are we lucky, or are we lucky? Three guys. It’s like… beer.

Monica: Beer comes in sixes.

Rachel: We’re lucky to get three. Shh! Besides, what comes in threes?

Phoebe: Triplets! Ooh, I like this game. Uh, three blind mice… the Three Stooges.

Monica: (condenscending) Way to go Pheebs. (epiphany) The Three Tenors. (Phoebe lightly claps for her)

Rachel: I’ll give us some good bait for us. (flirtingly to one of the guys) Hello, have we (flips her hair) met before.

Matt: (a man, late twenties, about six-foot, with short brown hair) Uh, maybe. Wait! Aren’t you Rachel Green?

(Rachel is perplexed)

James: (another twenty-something; same height; with short blond hair) Rook. A7 to C6. Takes your pawn.

Daniel: (a bit taller, athletically built, with very short, dark blond hair) Well, Bishop. F3-C6. Takes your rook.

James: Queen. J6-C6. Check.

Daniel: Nuh-uh. My pawn was in your way.

James: You moved it about four moves ago to take my third pawn.

Daniel: Dang it! You’re a honkin’ cheater.

James: Matt? Did he or did he not move his sixth pawn to attack my third? (sees him talking with Rachel) Matt!

Matt: Huh? Yeah, of course.

James: Quit flirting.

Matt: We’re at a bar. And she started it!

Rachel: Yeah, did all of you guys go to Lincoln High? (shakes their hands)

Matt: Yeah. You wouldn’t remember us. We were total nerds.

Daniel: Speak for yourself. Hello, ladies. Daniel Ponille.

James: You were in chess club, Daniel.

Daniel: Big, freaking deal. So were you.

James: (threatening) Queen. J4 to A4. Your queen is dead.

Daniel: (not turning his head) Rook. A7 to A4. As is yours.

James: No way! That rook is blocked by a bishop. Tell him, Matt.

Matt: Guys, I’m talking with Rachel Green here. Do you think I’m still recording your game?

James: The same Rachel Green you didn’t get along with.

Matt; (to Rachel) These are my friends, Daniel Ponille and James Warren.

Rachel: Oh, fellow grade-curve wreckers. (Matt nods) I was a total… yeah… in high school. I apologize. Oh, and these are my friends, Monica Geller and Phoebe Buffay.

James: Monica Geller? The name sounds familiar.

Monica: Imagine me about a hundred pounds heavier.

James: Oh! You were in band! Flute. (pauses) You hobbled me once. Bad topic. Sorry, I’m in New York for a couple of weeks, and we thought we’d try some bar-hopping. I am normally very good with women, but they’ve always been people I knew and were friends with. But I must say, you look very good.

Monica: That was excellent start. So, what brings you to New York?

Daniel: A big charter bus. (no one is amused) Sorry, I couldn’t resist.

Monica: That’s okay. Sarcasm is abundant in our group of friends.

Daniel: We’d be in good company. We’re in town for a friend’s wedding. He said the bride is a full-blooded New Yorker.

Monica: She’d be in good company.

(awkward pause)

Rachel: I can tell you’re all new at this. Get our numbers.

(the guys comply; girls simply pull out slips of paper with numbers pre-written on them)

James: Yeah, one of the reason we’re even trying this is that we’d like dates for the wedding. At the time, we all had girlfriends, but some really twisted twist of fate left us all single as the Mayor of Pointland.

(awkward silence)

James: Yeah, obscure jokes. Still want me to call you?

(A/N: I would like to apologize for the flirtiness of Creedog’s characters; they only slightly less than this in real life)

Scene 3: A Gift Shop

(Joey looks through the aisles, and stops right before one; looking around, he darts into a corner, surprised to find a person already browsing though a shelf containing penguin-themed gifts)

Joey: Hey, so, you like penguins?

Phillip: (twenty-something guy, five-five, with faded-brown hair) Me? Yeah, I love penguins!

Joey: Awesome! I’ve got this stuffed penguin at home, Hugsy, (pauses to think) which I don’t sleep with, by the way. (Phillip pretends to agree with him) And a friend of mine named him. (Phillip keeps up the act) But I’m thinking about getting him a girlfriend. Maybe even some little penguin chicks someday.

Phillip: Penguin chicks, huh? So, Hugsy and his girlfriend will have a lot of alone time in your bedroom. When you’re not sleeping with them in bed.

Joey: …or not using the bed myself, if you know what I mean.

Phillip: Yeah, I do. Enough said.

Joey: So, you like deli sandwiches?

Phillip: Oh, of course. Who doesn’t? C’mon, what’s better than a meatball sub?

Joey: Nothing! (pause) You are so cool!

Phillip: (laughing) Thanks. But if liking sandwiches and penguins is all you need to be cool, it’s not that hard. Do your other friends not like sandwiches?

Joey: Not with a passion.

Phillip: Then there’s obviously something wrong with them.

Joey: Hey! (leans in aggressively)

Phillip: Kidding! By the way, all this talk about food has gotten me hungry. Know any good sandwich shops?

Joey: (expression changes immediately) Do I? My friend, I know them all!

Phillip: Well, let’s go. ‘Cause they’re about to kick us out for being too noisy anyway.

Scene 4: Best Buy

(Chandler cruising though the software aisle)

Christopher: (twenty-something guy, five-seven, with dark brown hair, accompanied by a lady, about five-three, same age, with long, brown hair) Well, Hal, there she is. (holds a computer software box) OfficeStaff Pro 5.0. The best on the market, and who was the head programmer of it?

Halley: (not enthused) Why are you doing this?

Christopher: (holds up an imaginary book; which he indicates with his hand) Playbill. (in a rather corny accent) There she is! Culturas is the biggest off-Broadway hit in six years. And who has the lead part?

Halley: (shoves him) Point taken! But I am a certified drama queen. It’s on my medical records. I’m allowed that pride. And watch it. You’re pretty good, but you’d better be glad this is so pretty. (shows off a diamond engagement ring)

Chandler: Excuse me. Sorry for interrupting your conversation, which, by the way, I’ve had gotten very lost in, but did you say that you programmed OfficeStaff Pro 5.0 for Windows?

Christopher: Yeah, I’m a programmer for OmniTech, Inc.

Chandler: OmniTech? Really? That’s a great company. You rival Microsoft.

Christopher: We’re a lot smaller. We cater to a different market. (Chandler looks away) And the obvious not being minions of the Antichrist thing.

Chandler: Laughs. Ol’ Bill Gates.

Christopher: Oh, come on. Everyone knows he’s not the Antichrist. Sold his soul, maybe. Maybe he’s doing some work, but in reality, I think being CEO billionaire really takes away from his time.

Chandler: Yeah, I guess. That and building multi-acre homes.

Christopher: Oh, you saw that special, too. And that was just one of them. (pauses) By the way, I so should have done this a long time ago. I’d like you to meet my fiancée, Halley DeMallora, or as the (with sudden passion) theater (returns to normal) calls her, Constance Carmen Malore.

Chandler: (starstruck) Culturas! Of course. I have seen your show so many times. I am so… man talking about going to Broadway musicals in a public place. Which brings me to my next point, I am not…

Halley: Oh, I know. But totally taken. (tilts her head toward Christopher)

Chandler: No! I just…

Halley: I read people pretty well. You’re not… Plus, you have a personality only a woman, especially a somewhat neurotic woman, could fall for: wiseass with a dorky job.

Chandler: But your fiancée seems sarcastic, and he’s a computer programmer.

Halley: Oh, it’s okay. They don’t get any more neurotic than me.

Chandler: Nice to know. (backs up) My roommate’s an actor. Joey Tribianni.

Halley: (pensive) Tribianni? Italian guy?

Chandler: Yeah.

Halley: I met an Italian-looking Joey at an audition once. He did hit on me.

Chandler: Uh huh, that’s Joey.

Christopher: And what do you do?

Chandler: I’m a data processor. I punch numbers in a computer all day, but I’ve since been promoted. Now, I supervise how other people punch numbers into a computer all day. (pause) It’s a living.

Christopher: Dude, I write code for a living. Then I got promoted, now I supervise how other people write code. It’s also a living. So, use OmniTech software?

Chandler: Oh course; they’re the best. Except for maybe ViaData Max Enterprises.

Christopher: ViaData? ViaData may well be the worst excuse for programmers this world has seen. Satan rejected their offer to be his minions.

Halley: Sir, you’ve hit a nerve.

Chandler: Oh, I know. We used to use ViaData. Crashed the network so badly that NYU sent over their CS team to study it. The word “anomaly” was used.

Christopher: You have no idea how much warmth that brings to me heart.

Chandler: (laughs) Yeah. (pause) So, you new in town?

Christopher: Halley obviously works here. We’re getting an apartment in the City. During the off-season, we’re going to return my house in Georgia. And we don’t want to raise our kids in the City, so we’ll figure out, soon.

Chandler: Soon?

Halley: Know anyone who’s biological clock is just pounding in her ears?

Chandler: Actually, yes. Very neurotic friend of mine. (pause) I get the irony. But I don’t know how the two of us could hook up. It’s just… yeah.

(awkward silence)

Halley: Christopher, Honey, if this standing in electronics store and talking to strangers thing goes on any longer, you’ll be obligated to buy me something else pretty.

Chandler: We’ll finish this later. I know a good place for coffee…

(they exit, as Chandler tries to get a good look at Halley’s ring)

Scene 5: Ross’s Museum

(Ross checking things out, at the Ice Age exhibit, there is a young lady with bright red hair, Anna, browsing)

Ross: May I help you, ma’am?

Anna: No, I’m fine, just looking. I love the Ice Age.

Ross: Oh really? What about it?

Anna: Basically, the ice. I’m a figure skater.

Ross: I suppose that’s a connection.

Anna: (giggles) I know, I know. It’s silly. But I really am a fan of the Ice Age. It was my favorite in paleontology class. Do you credit it for the extinction of the dinosaurs?

Ross: (very intrigued) Well, right now, I base my work on the Meteorite Theory, but I don’t like it much. I think the Ice Age can offer us much better fossil evidence. When and if we find it, that’ll be some of my work.

Anna: Wow, so you work here?

Ross: Yeah, I’m a paleontologist. Real exciting, I know. But Harrison Ford is my friend. He made scientists sexy. And rogue rebel fighters in kick-ass spaceships.

(awkward silence)

Ross: Anyway, before I go too deep into my inner geek…

Anna: (laughs) You’re not married, are you?

Ross: No, divorced. My wife, she’s… well… (makes hand guesture)

Anna: Oh (strange look) ‘Nough said. (though very surprised) I caught the no-wife vibe, but not that one. Would I be right to say you emitting no-girlfriend vibes? (smiles)

Ross: No, not anymore. I was in something pretty serious with one of my good friends. And I just broke up with her from almost getting back together.

Anna: Ooh, I’m sorry. Sounds icky.

Ross: It’s okay. We’ll probably end up friends again.

Anna: Listen, I don’t have to skating practice today. Know any good places to get some coffee?

Ross: I know just the place.

Scene 6: Merrill Lynch office building

(Phoebe enters, wearing a suit, holding a briefcase)

Phoebe: Hello, my friends. What you say we make some money?

Man: (dully) Ms. Buffay, you don’t work here.

Phoebe: What? (slaps herself on the head) Dang it! I had that dream where I quit my job to come to you again.

Man: It’s okay, Ms. Buffay. We all make mistakes, (under his breath) but not ones of this magnitude three times a month.

Phoebe: Okay, see you! I probably have a nine o’clock massage appointment then. I’d better be off. (turns to leave, but turns back) Oh, and buy OmniTech, Inc. and sell ViaData. I have a feeling they’re totally going down in a few weeks.

Man: Yes, Ms. Buffay. (ignoring her) We’ll look into that. (Phoebe exits) Martha, look into OmniTech; I want a potentiality report in by three. Gerald, I want you to get a copy of ViaData’s Customer Complain Database and prepare to sell it by noon if you don’t like what you see.

Scene 7: Outside Merrill Lynch

(immediately following Scene 6)

Phoebe: (looks around; to a woman in a business suit) Good business day to you.

Justine: Thanks. Good business day to you, too.

Phoebe: Oh, I’m not a businesswoman. I just have this suit for the day I quit my job and join Merrill Lynch, and, you know, not just dream about it.

Justine: (faking) Oh course. Could you tell me where Merrill Lynch is?

Phoebe: Hmm, I was just there. (looks around, and startles herself when she look directly behind her) There!

Justine: (embarrassed) Oh, yeah. I’ve got serious jet lag. I just came in from Germany.

Phoebe: Wow, Germany. It’s pretty there. I stayed there for a day on my way to Florida.

Justine: Isn’t Western Europe a little out of your way?

Phoebe: Europe? I’ve never been to Europe. But I plan to one day and see France, Italy, Ireland, Mongolia, Cleveland, and if I have time, maybe even that Middle Earth place.

Justine: Yeah, I hear Frodo is a pretty good guy. You could even go to Never-Ever Land.

Phoebe: (excited) Oh my gosh. Is that on the way? I’ve always wanted to go there. I didn’t know that was in Europe. I’m not that good at geography.

Justine: (fake surprise) Really?

(awkward silence)

Phoebe: Oh, by the way. (extends her hand) Phoebe… Buffay.

Justine: (takes her hand; imitating her) Justine… Reyes. Well, soon to be Marcoux. (displays her hand, diamond-ringed)

Phoebe: Whoa. What a rock! By the way, totally cool with the braggart thing. (Justine considers being offended, but apparently decides against it; Phoebe grabs her hand and twists it a strange way) Hey, the inscriptions in French!

Justine: Yeah, the guy’s from France.

Phoebe: (smiles) Ooh-la-la. I’m French, too.

Justine: Really? You don’t have an accent.

Phoebe: Oh, no. I’m a born and bred New Yorker. My grandparents were French.

Justine: That’s nice. Listen, I’m pretty tired. Can we continue this talk somewhere else? Preferably sitting down.

Phoebe: Sure. (walks off for about ten yards, stops, and sits down on the sidewalk) Ooh, this is one of my favorite places to sit.

Justine: (looks around, then down at Phoebe) Uh, what are you doing?

Phoebe: C’mon, we’ve got a great view of the gym, see? (Justine reluctantly kneels down beside her; her eyes widen)

Justine: Whoa. Look at that guy!

Phoebe: Red shorts?

Justine: Blue, without a shirt.

Phoebe: (eyes widen) Holy smokes! Is that spandex?

Justine: Phoebe, I really shouldn’t be doing this. I am engaged.

Phoebe: So, I was married, and dating and stuff all the time.

Justine: You cheated on your husband? And openly talk about it?

Phoebe: We were only married because he needed a green card. And he thought he was… well… (she makes a hand guesture)

Justine: ‘Nough said. (pause) So, you think we can find a play to sit in chairs or something… inside preferably?

Phoebe: Oh, sure. Wait, you got a phone?

Justine: Yeah. (hands Phoebe her cell)

Phoebe: (dials and waits) Mary? This is Phoebe. I’ve got to cancel my 9 and 10 o’clock. Give ‘em to Brittany. (pause) Yes, they’re both guys. She’ll do them. (pause) No! (pause) No, I’m not going out with a guy. (giggles) Not ‘till tonight. (pause) Okay, some lady I found on the street. (Justine gives her an offended look) What do mean, “Should I cancel your female clients?” They’re half my income. Okay, a little less than a third. It’s not my fault I got it going on. (pause) Very funny. We don’t charge that much. Hey! (hangs up; perky) Okay, ready?

Justine: Yeah.

(COMMERCIAL BREAK)

Scene 8: Central Perk (A/N: You knew we’d end up here, right?)

(Chandler enters with Christopher and Halley)

Chandler: (to waitress) Jessica, could you get us three decaf hazelnut vanillas? Put it on my tab. (Jessica rolls her eyes) She’s probably tired of that joke. (to Christopher and Halley) Please sit down. These couches are unofficially reserved.

Christopher: Unofficially reserved, really? Last time I unofficially reserved a place somewhere, everybody ignore the invisible sign. How thoughtless. (Halley groans) What? I do this all the time.

Halley: Yeah, but there isn’t two of you doing it all the time.

Christopher: (scoots back; to Chandler) Good luck getting invited to the wedding.

Jessica: Here we go. Three hazelnut vanillas, decaf. (mock cheerful) Have a nice day. (Gunther smiles and gives her a thumbs up from the counter)

Christopher: Quinceañera?

Jessica: Keen-say-what? (realization) Chris? What are you doing in New York? (she sits down on the couch)

Christopher: The wedding?

Jessica: What wedding?

Christopher: My wedding!

Jessica: You’re getting married? What didn’t you invite me?!

Christopher: Jessica, listen to how I’m talking to you! I did invite you!

Chandler: Okay, not to interrupt this touching moment, but you don’t need to talk so loud anymore.

Christopher: Let’s sit down.

(she does, and Gunther tries to object)

Jessica: (to Gunther) I’m on break!

Christopher: Wait a second. Did you move from that apartment that you sent me?

Jessica: What are you talking about?

Christopher: You sent me a change-of-address form from Jones.

Jessica: Jones Community College of New York? Yeah, it doesn’t exist. I’m just amused that they’ve been going through all that trouble. I got scammed big time. Why do think I’m a waitress instead of a teacher?

Christopher: I should have deduced that. Did you report it?

Jessica: I wouldn’t know how. The police gave me the run-around. Plus, I don’t have time, between working and doing all this other stuff. Cannot tell you how long it’s been since I’ve had a date. I just don’t have time to do that.

(Christopher is not listening; he’s playing with his PDA)

Christopher: Done. Anyway, they’ll get back with you in a few weeks. It’s a pretty old, so I don’t know if you’ll get a settlement. I could recommend you to a friend of mine who’s an excellent lawyer. He may do it pro bono as a favor.

Jessica: You know. That’s only a small ray of sunshine, but for me, it’s damn bright. Thank you so much. (they hug) Who’s the woman looking impatient?

Christopher: That would be my loving, caring, and understanding fiancée, Halley DeMallora.

(they exchange pleasantries)

Halley: Possibility one is that you’ve seen me on stage. Does the name Constance Malore ring a bell?

Jessica: The Broadway actress? (star-struck) Nice to meet you.

Halley: You, too, Jessica. Hon, we went to school together. You remember the Lincoln High Sophomore Secretary/Treasurer of 1986?

Jessica: The girl who canceled the Spring Formal so the Drama department could show their updated version of The Taming of the Shrew?

Halley: We rescheduled it. It wasn’t my fault there was a freak April snowstorm. Plus, I kind of didn’t want the dance to be on my birthday.

Jessica: Sorry. So you two are engaged?

Halley: Technically yes. Chris just wanted to get me a ring with my birthstone for my birthday. And, you know, April.

Jessica: Better than the fake sapphire necklace my ex gave me last Christmas.

Christopher: Your birthstone’s amethyst. (Chandler gives him a look) I’m a trivia buff.

Jessica: Apparently he mixed my birthday up with his other girlfriend.

Halley: Ouch. Is that why you broke up?

Jessica: Nope. Both me and Tara broke up with Brian when we met outside his apartment, and, judging from the noise coming from inside, we kind of figured he was cheating on both of us.

Halley: Another girl?

Jessica: We’re pretty sure two.

Halley: (cringes) What a loser! Chris, you’d never do that me, would you?

Christopher: Hal? (points at himself)

Halley: Oh yeah. (giggles) I forget you’re the clingy, monotonous type.

Christopher: Monogamous.

Halley: Okay. (Christopher pokes her in the side and she squirms)

Chandler: When you put it like that, faithful guys just sound like the scum of the earth.

Jessica: Anyway, I’m saving up some money to go to NYU.

Christopher: Waitressing at a coffeeshop.

Jessica: No experience. What else is there? (pause) Can I see the ring? (Halley shows it to her) My gosh! Chris, how’d you pay for it?

Christopher: I’m going to forgive you for that because I can tell money is often on your mind. You ever heard of OfficeStaff Pro?

Jessica: Yeah, it was all over the news last year. Best business-related software platform ever. Make that OmniTech place billions of dollars.

Christopher: I headed the programming team for it.

Jessica: (impressed) That’ll do it.

(Phoebe enters)

Phoebe: Hey, Chandler.

Chandler: Hey, Pheebs. I’d like you to meet Chris and Halley.

Phoebe: Phoebe Buffay. (offers her hand to Chris) Nice to meet you. (Chris looks to Halley for approval; she nods; he kisses her hand weekly; Phoebe smiles)

Halley: (hard tone) Taken. (displays her hand)

Phoebe: (cat-like) Re-ow! It’s okay. I’ve already got a date hooked for tonight anyway. (pause) Oh, and I’d like you to meet Justine Reyes. She’s a businesswoman I met at Merrill Lynch.

Chandler: Where you don’t work, I hope you remember.

Phoebe: Duh. I don’t forget things that I learn that day.

Chandler: What did you have for breakfast?

Phoebe: Uh… That’s cheating! C’mon, don’t you ever dream that you quit your job and get one you really like?

Chandler: Everyday, Pheebs, everyday.

Christopher: Reyes… Reyes… Justine Reyes… (smiles) Do you remember Christopher VanDrey?

Justine: I used to live down the street from a named Chris VanDrey when I lived in Georgia. We carpooled to school everyday. I’m in town for his wedding. (realizes) Chris! (they hug)

Chandler: Wow, you know her, too? She go to Lincoln High?

Justine: Lincoln High?

Christopher: No. After ninth grade, my family moved up to New York. A whole group of us, in fact, including Jessica, moved up here and started attending Lincoln. Justine, however, moved to Cincinnati.

(Joey and Phillip enter)

Joey: Hey, Pheebs! Chandler! You got to meet this guy. He’s the coolest.

Chandler: Coolest. As in a lot like you?

Joey: Yeah, you could say that. He likes sandwiches. (nods)

Chandler: I like sandwiches.

Joey: Do you like penguins?

Chandler: Joe…

Joey: (cutting him off) Uh-huh, uh-huh. Just what I thought. This is Phillip Maxx.

Christopher: Hey, buddy.

Phillip: Chris! What a coincidence. I’m here for the wedding. By the way, before I meet her, she not that girl who canceled the Spring Formal, is she?

Halley: Rescheduled!

Phillip: Oops.

Christopher: Phillip, you didn’t want to go to the Spring Formal. You hate tuxedos.

Phillip: I was hoping I might get asked to dance. And so what if I wore my dad’s tux for one night?

Christopher: Your dad had a tux? He was one of those outdoorsy types. He camped in New York in November. He kayaked through East River. In fact, both of your parents did.

Phillip: We all have our hobbies.

Christopher: Like researching penguins.

Phoebe: Penguins? No wonder they clicked. Joey’s got this stuffed penguin that he sleeps with… (covers her mouth) Whoops.

Joey: (gasps; accusing) You sleep with a stuffed unicorn!

Phoebe: (gasps; protecting her dignity) Rainbow Aura sleeps at the foot of my bed, thank you very much. Joseph Francis Tribianni, you are a mean person.

Joey: (cools down) C’mon Pheebs. I love Aura. I’m the one who got her for you. For your twenty-first birthday, remember?

Phoebe: Yeah. And my first bottle of wine. Well, first legal one anyway.

Joey: Can you believe we drank the whole bottle that night?

Phoebe: I know. What else happened?

Joey: I don’t remember. But somehow you ended up in your grandmother’s wedding dress. And me dressed like a hippie. And your couch ended up on its side in front of the window. And the hamster inside your Grandma’s cabinet. Didn’t we have blue hair that next morning?

Phoebe: You did. Mine was more a pinkish purple color. (Joey nods)

Christopher: (to Halley) Wow, that was interesting. I wished I hadn’t eavesdropped. Did you do that to me?

Halley: No, Honey, you mom did.

Christopher: Oh.

(uncomfortable silence)

Phoebe: This is the point when people are supposed to walk in and greet us to break the uncomfortable silence.

(Rachel, Monica, James, Matt, and Daniel walk in)

Rachel: Hey, guys. Pheebs, look who I brought.

Phoebe: Daniel! Wow, you’ve been hanging out? When did you call?

Daniel: This morning.

Phoebe: Yeah, you guys haven’t been doing this type of dating before, have you. You didn’t even make us wait.

James: We know. We got the speech. We’re working hard on it. Chris!

Christopher: So, there you guys are!

Matt: Chris! My man! I was gonna call you today! I’m honored about the best man thing.

Christopher: You’re welcome.

Matt: By the way, I don’t think I’ve met Halley, unless it’s that same girl you dated in high school. You know, that drama queen who cancelled the Spring Formal? Halley or Haley Demora… Demalli…

(Halley waves her hand and her ring to Matt)

Matt: The same girl? How do you pull that off?

Christopher: It’s a terribly long story. And it said Halley DeMallora on the invitation. I told you this over the phone.

Matt: I wasn’t listening. Six of One was on.

Christopher: It’s my favorite show, too. And I called you after it. Six of One is the only reason NBC is the only station that people watch on Thursdays at 8:00. Who knew a show about six quirky twenty-something urbanites could be so popular?

Matt: Who knew? And, come on, our ten year reunion’s not till later this year. I’m not gonna remember her and I haven’t been perusing my yearbook lately. And that lady looks more like Constance Malore from that funny-named off-Broadway show.

Halley: Also me.

Matt: Wicked! Score one for the Creedog!

Rachel: (returns with coffee) Wait, Matt went to Lincoln High. I went to school with Halley DeMallora, otherwise known as Constance Malore? I’m Rachel Green. Do you remember me?

Halley: (forced smile) Yeah. Why don’t you remember me? I was in student council with you.

Rachel: Really? The only Haley or Halley I remember is that you-know-what that canceled the Spring Formal so everyone could come see her little play. (Halley just smiles annoyed) Oh, that was you? I’m so sorry. It’s not like Chip Matthews had asked me.

Halley: Yeah, he had, as I recall.

Rachel: Dang it. Yeah he had. But why couldn’t you just reschedule it?

Halley: I did. It got snowed out! I had a date, too.

Rachel: Wait, I remember now. You were taking that dork that was in all those advanced computer classes. (long pause) Which, with my luck and the fact that he also went to Lincoln, would be you (indicating Chris), right?

Christopher: Hi.

Rachel: Hi, Rachel Green. You may proceed to hate me now.

Christopher: Nah. If you’re going on a date my best man, you can’t be that bad. Unless you were that ditzy cheerleader that kept trying to cut out the band’s half-time show so you could make out with all the football players instead of doing the dance routine.

Rachel: That was me.

Christopher: I know it was. And as much I probably should feel embarrassed, but who really should be embarrassed?

Rachel: (thinks) You’re smart. Really smart. Too smart. (grabs Halley’s hand) Well, you hooked a good one. (looks at her hand) And not too shabby in the wallet department, hey?

Halley: Yeah, but that’s not why I’m marrying him.

Rachel: I bet not.

Halley: Knew him before he had good job. (Rachel realizes this and drops Halley’s hand)

Gunther: Jessica, tables!

Jessica: Look at the clock, I’m still on break! I’ve been gone for like two minutes.

Gunther: (checks the clock) Okay.

Jessica: I’m relatively hot. My break’s whenever I want. And I’ve been here for seven minutes.

Rachel: You’re kidding me. He ogled me like crazy and I never got that privilege.

Joey: Mon, why don’t you introduce us to your new friends?

Monica: Sure, the guy checking out Phoebe’s hindquarters is Daniel Ponille. (Daniel moves his head)

Phoebe: He’s a soccer player for the US Olympic team. They’re practicing in New York right now. Where it’s not too warm.

Daniel: Sydney is in the Southern Hemisphere, no matter how late they plan it, we’re going to be in the middle of the chilly season.

Monica: The guy next to Rachel, which I can see what you’re doing perfectly, (Matt scoots back from Rachel) is Matt Jacobs.

Christopher: You’re a movie director, right?

Matt: I’m a webpage and graphics designer. Chris here is joking about my dream to be a screen-writer and developer of a computer-animated movies. Parodies mostly.

Joey: Joey Tribianni. I’m an actor. And very comfortable behind the camera.

Chandler: The movies are computer animated.

Joey: I can do computer animation.

Chandler: You saw Toy Story, right?

Joey: Yeah.

Chandler: Can you do that?

Joey: The cowboy thing? Did it once, didn’t like it much.

Chandler: I’m not even going to ask.

Joey: Hey, I can do dramatic. I did Day of our Lives. (does the smelling-the-fart face)

Chandler: These are parodies.

Joey: I can go up a level on the dramatic scale. I’m flexible.

Chandler: Funny movies, Joe, funny. They make fun of things.

Monica: Like you.

Chandler: (points) Exactly.

(A/N: If Courtney and Matthew timed that right, can you imagine it?)

Monica: Anyway, this guy over here is James Warren. (she gives everyone else a “yeah, baby” look) He’s studying up at NYC to be college professor.

James: I’m really looking into a major right now. I mean, I’ve got a bachelor’s in both Mathematics and Theology. Plus, a minor in Music. I have my Master’s in Math. Not to mention I’m also a certified C++ programmer. My options are wide open.

Chandler: Well, my turn. This is Christopher VanDrey. He’s a programmer at OmniTech.

Phoebe: OmniTech. Good company. Better than ViaData?

Christopher: A whole lot. Their programs are unsatisfactory.

James: I know! When I was being certified, I had access to a descrambler. I spent a few minutes looking at their code. It was terrible. You wouldn’t believe it.

Christopher: Yeah I would. I own four descramblers. ViaData is going to crash someday.

Phoebe: Wow, I should so work at Merrill Lynch. I didn’t even know either of those were real companies.

Chandler: And this is his lovely fiancée, Halley DeMallora. She’s a Broadway actress. Which all of you know, of course, but I’m just happy for the opportunity to introduce someone.

Joey: Hey, I remember you from that audition. How you doin’?

Halley: Still engaged.

Joey: It was worth a shot.

Chandler: Joey, engagement has never been a problem with you before.

Joey: Kelsey Kettle was a problem.

Chandler: I didn’t have a problem with her. (smiles)

Monica: Well, there weren’t any problems below her neck.

Halley: Well, you’ll have a problem with me. (shows off her ring)

Christopher: You sure don’t mind showing the ring off.

Halley: Have you seen it?

Christopher: I shopped for it. I selected it. I bought it. I spent three days with it planning the perfect night to propose with it. I proposed with it. Yeah, I’ve seen it. But I still think you looked at more it the night you got it than I’ve looked at it overall.

Halley: (pause; in same tone) Have you seen it?

Christopher: You like it. So that’s why you said “yes” before I got done proposing.

Halley: I listened the whole speech… thing, and I did wait till you said “marry.”

Christopher: No, you waited till I said, “mare-”.

Halley: What else ends with “mare-”?

Chandler: Marinate?

(everybody looks at him)

Chandler: Okay! I get it. Bad timing. (takes a sip of coffee)

Phoebe: Justine’s engaged too!

Monica: Phoebe, that’s what’s known as stealing someone’s thunder. (pause) But, uh, can I see the rings? (Justine and Halley offer their hands) Wow, they’re both really pretty.

Halley: Wow, it is pretty. I like mine better definitely, but still…

Justine: (trying not to sound competitive, but failing) Mine’s two and a half carats, designed in Paris. How about yours?

Halley: Two carats and a half, as well. American made, but inspired by the royal jewelry of Queen Isabella of Spain.

Chandler: (whispers to Joey) She’s showing her up.

Joey: (laughs under his break) Cat fight.

Justine: Spanish? Everyone knows French is the language of love.

Halley: Well, then you’ve obviously never studied Spanish.

Justine: Oh, I have, years ago. But French has suited my need quite nicely.

Halley: Yeah, flirting with your little (snobby French accent) fiancée.

Justine: I travel. It does me a lot of good when I’m in France, or… Quebec… or a couple of islands in the Caribbean, I think. In parts of the neighboring countries of France… and, uh…

Chandler: Yeah, that’s about it.

Halley: Spanish is good in Spain, in almost every Latin American country, the former Spanish colonies and former territories. Shall I go on?

Justine: It must be extraordinarily helpful in New York. You’re closer to Quebec than Mexico.

Halley: It suits me fine for the multilingual dialogue in my play.

Matt: German. Now there’s a cool language. I’m glad I finally got to study it in college.

James: Ja, Deutsch. Ich habe nie eine Sprache gekannt, die so gut ist wie Deutscher.

Halley and Justine: SHUT UP!!! (everyone else retreats back)

Halley: ¿Por qué no tomas ese anillo del diamante y no lo pone donde pertenece? (Christopher’s eyes widen and he shivers)

Justine: J’espère que vous savez le mot espagnol pour l’ouch parce que vous environ le dire un sort entier. (Phoebe’s eyes widen)

Christopher: Mi amor, por favor.

(he gets a death glare from Halley and he quickly subsides)

(time lapse)

Matt: Rachel, know any good places to go to dinner?

Rachel: Oh, I know this fantastic Italian restaurant in the South Village.

Matt: Sounds great.

Daniel: Cool. This is a triple date, right?

Phoebe: I hope so, ‘cause they have the greatest vegetarian chicken pizza. The waiters are a bit rude; they laugh every time I order that.

(Monica and Rachel exchange smiles)

(Ross enters; A/N: I’m wondering, with all the characters I added, did you notice him missing?)

Ross: Hey, guys, I want you to meet Anna Lee.

(miscellaneous hellos; Justine runs up and grabs her in a very tight hug)

Ross: (seeing the intimacy of the gesture) Why does this kind of thing always happen to me?

Justine: Sorry, sir, Anna and I go way back. We’ve actually been trying to get back together for a while. I assure you, it’s purely platonic.

Ross: Whew. Anna’s a figure skater for the USA Olympic Team.

Daniel: Go Team USA!

Chandler: Soccer Player.

Ross: Ah. (nods head) Anyway, we’ve got a date tonight.

Monica: Well, so do me and Rachel and Phoebe. We’re going to Bordelli’s. Want to join us? The more the merrier.

Ross: (to Anna) Bordelli’s in the greatest. You want to?

Anna: Sure.

Phoebe: Hey, Chris, Halley, you two doing anything tonight? In the evening, I mean.

Christopher: No, we’re free pretty much all night.

Phoebe: Oh… oh. How ‘bout you, Justine? Isn’t lover boy, or (French accent) amoureux, coming in tonight?

Justine: (giggles) Yeah, he is. Can we join you?

Phoebe: Sure. Rach, Mon?

Rachel: Yeah.

Monica: Of course. Joey, Chandler, if you get yourselves some dates, you can come with us.

Joey: Easy. Hmmm. (looks around, stops at Jessica) Hey, Jessica, how you doin’?

Jessica: Nice try.

Chandler: How you…

Jessica: (annoyed) Oh, don’t even try.

(awkward silence)

Ross: Twelve people.

Rachel: We’re going to need reservations.

Monica: Yeah.

Phoebe: Uh-huh.

Chandler: And so forth, ye fruitful conversation hath died.

Christopher: And beeth dead for long to come, for one wilt comprehendeth how this boreth us.

(pause)

Joey: Is that Shakespeare? I think I had to do that for a play once.

(COMMERCIAL BREAK)

Scene 9: Bordelli’s

(Rachel and Matt, Phoebe and Daniel, Monica and James, Ross and Anna, Christopher and Halley, and Justine at the dinner table)

Justine: (to Anna) So, I heard you were going to the Olympics. That’s great.

Anna: Yeah, I’ll be the oldest skater there. I went in ’94, but didn’t do well enough. We’re crossing our fingers.

(Ross looks uncomfortable at how sweetly the smile at each other until Anna gives him a flirty glance)

(time lapse)

Christopher: Okay, okay, we’ll do it. Halí, mi prometida, eres la persona más hermosa del mundo. Cada día es un día más cercano a ser uno con tú, por siempre.

Halley: Cristóbal, el amante de mi vida. No pasa un día que te amo menos o apenas igual. Solamente más. Y solamente puedo amarte más.

Rachel: (dazed) Wow, I should have paid more attention in Spanish class.

Monica: Yeah.

Phoebe: Trust me, you don’t want to know.

Rachel: You speak Spanish?

Phoebe: I spent a lot of time in Cathedrals when it was raining and my home sweet box melted, so I picked up a lot of Latin. I can’t speak any, but I can pretty much understand the gist of the Romantic Languages.

Monica: I think you can make any language romantic.

James: Roman-tic. Latin-based languages. From Rome.

Monica and Rachel: Ahhh.

James: Sie sind eine sehr schöne Frau.

Matt: (laughs) C’mon, Jim Bob. Die Helligkeit der Sterne vergleichen nicht mit Ihren Augen.

James: Käsig.

Matt: Käsig? I’ll show you käsig.

Phoebe: Why are you fighting? You know they don’t understand a word you’re saying. (the guys look at Monica and Rachel, who smile sympathetically)

Daniel: (to Phoebe) Su pelo del oro fluye como un río.

Christopher: Good one. I’ll have to remember that one. (looks at Halley) Oh yeah. No pelo del oro. Pelo de la noche?

Phoebe: Okay, just ruined the moment. What fun is it to speak a different language if there’s someone else who can speak it too?

Justine: Phoebe, understanding the Romantic languages gives you a lot of advantage.

(CLOSING CREDITS)

Daniel: Puedo pronto saber que cada pulgada de su cuerpo es tan hermosa como su cara.

Phoebe: (giggles feverishly) Okay, didn’t get that, but I can tell from Chris and Halley’s faces (which show utmost disgust) that I’ll have to wait till later for you to translate.

Daniel: I’m totally kidding. It’s something I memorized off one of those Spanish soap operas.

Christopher: One of my favorite pastimes.

Halley: Chris, don’t you ever say that to me. I stab you with the ring.

Rachel: And then get it cleaned at the jeweler’s.

Halley: (looking at it) Yeah, probably.

Christopher: Don’t worry. I wouldn’t say that even if you wanted me to.

Halley: (testing him) I want you to say that to me.

Christopher: Halley, sé tu cada deseo. Sé que no quieres que yo te lo diga.

Halley: (hypnotized) Por supuesto. (Christopher leans over and kisses her)

Rachel: Wow.

Monica: I know. James, say that to me.

James: I would, but I don’t know what he said.

Monica: I wouldn’t be able to understand you anyway. Just talk.

James: Monica, sind Sie sehr merkwürdig. Warum können Sie sein also manipuliert durch jemand, das in einer Fremdsprache spricht?

(Matt muffles a laugh, which is not heard by Monica, and whispers in Rachel’s ear, who giggles softly as well)

Phoebe: (Daniel gives her an inquisitive look; she whispers) No clue. German’s not Romantic.

Man: (drunk, with a German accent) Hallo! Ein anderes Bier für Sie, mein Freund?

Matt: Kein danke, aber Dank für das Bitten, schätze ich.

Justine: Wow, if this isn’t a crazy night. (cranes her neck) Guys, it’s my fiancée! Pierre!

Pierre: Bonsoir, ma beauté. (Pierre looks exactly like Paolo, except with short hair and a French mustache; Rachel, Monica, Phoebe, and Ross gasp)

(END)

A/N: Whew! I’m done. This took forever to write, but I got through it. I hope you liked, and sorry it was so long; that just kind of happened. Please don’t think I’m trying to add characters to the cast. These guys are just visiting. Oh, and another possible title: TOW the French Guy Who Looks Like Paolo. Feel free to submit your own.

I would now go onto TOW the Doncella, unless I change its title, too.

^_^ - En la calle, cerca de la esquina… si sabes que yo significa…