VIII. The One Where They Screw
Up Their Lives
by Creedog
VanDrey
Category:
Friends
Genre:
General, Fantasy, Could-Have-Been
Rating:
PG
Language:
English
Summery:
Season 10+. Following
“VII. The One With the Last Glimpse,” Godeerc
returns (two minutes later) to have some fun.
A/N: Could that title be any cooler? It’s the eighth fic
in a seven-part series which already an intermediary fic
and a two-part fic. It’s not like I follow the strict accordance
of the rules.
Scene 1: Monica and
(Godeerc enters to cheering)
Godeerc: By the way, this is
not an official visit. So, let’s get the
party started!
(silence)
Godeerc: Yeah, I was never good at that.
Phoebe: So, we can do the
glimpsing thing? But, you know, instead
of fixing our lives, we can like screw
them up?
Godeerc: Course, but there
are a few rules, though.
Ross: For an unofficial
visit?
Godeerc: My own. It adds to the fun you might say. You are not allowed to screw up your own
life. You’ll all take turns suggesting
way to mess up each other lives.
Phoebe: Ooh, I got a good
one.
Godeerc: Why do I get the
impression you’ve had this one in mind for awhile?
Phoebe: (guiltily) No reason.
(OPENING CREDITS)
(COMMERCIAL BREAK)
Scene 2: Monica and
(the
gang in the living room)
Godeerc: Okay, Phoebe, let’s
hear it.
Phoebe: Okay, what would have
happen on the (mimicking Ross) “We were on a break!” night if Rachel had
cheated on Ross and not the other way around?
Rachel: Pheebs!
Phoebe: (screaming) Shut up, Blondie! You’ll get your chance!
(Rachel is taken aback)
Godeerc: (laughing) You evil creature. Makes me so proud to be your mystic.
Scene 3: The Apartment
Hallway, 1996
(Godeerc is talking to Ross)
Godeerc: Go
home. Get some rest. Do not do anything you’ll regret. Right now, it sounds like a good time to let
things settle out a bit.
(A/N: Just FYI, this is a scene from my “I. TOW Mystic,”
where Godeerc helped stop Ross from cheating.)
Ross: Okay.
(Ross walks away)
Godeerc: (to himself) What is
it about me? Do I just have a
“talk-to-me” face?
(passes Rachel, weeping,
leaning against her door)
(he tries to sneak past, but
doesn’t)
Rachel: (sees him) I’m sorry. I just broke up with my boyfriend. I’ll leave.
Godeerc: (mouths “Why?!” several times, before turning
and putting on a concerned face) Are you okay, ma’am?
Rachel: It’s just my…
Godeerc: Your boyfriend…
Rachel: He…
Godeerc: …cheated on you?
Rachel: No! Does
he look like a cheater?
Godeerc: (mouths “Stupid” to himself) I don’t know. What did he do?
Rachel: He insisted on celebrating our anniversary.
Godeerc: That pig.
Rachel: No, I was at work late, doing the damn paperwork,
and he surprises me with a picnic lunch.
Godeerc: What a scumbag.
You have left him earlier.
Rachel: Then there’s Mark.
Godeerc: And… (immediately
regrets it)
Rachel: No! We… no. Do I look like a cheater?
(Godeerc just shrugs his shoulder with a helpless look)
Rachel: I’m sorry to burden you. Do you think Ross’ll
do anything drastic?
Godeerc: Ross being your ex-boyfriend?
Rachel: Ex-boyfriend?
Are we broken up?
Godeerc: I… don’t… know.
Rachel: I just miss him so much. Let me call Mark. He’ll help me out.
Godeerc: (frowning) Can I go
now?
Rachel: Yeah, sorry ‘bout that.
(Godeerc leaves)
Scene 4: Rachel’s Apartment
(Mark sitting at the table with Rachel, eating Chinese
food and drinking wine)
Rachel: (drinks down a whole glass) Why, Mark, why?
Mark: (flatly) I don’t know, Rach. I just got here and you haven’t told me
what’s going on.
Rachel: It’s Ross.
Mark: Your boyfriend?
Rachel: My ex-boyfriend.
Mark: I’m sorry.
Rachel: It’s okay.
I don’t want to be exes, though.
Mark: Why he’d dump you?
Or is it too early to ask?
Rachel: Oh, he didn’t.
I dumped him.
Mark: ‘Cause I know the first
thing I do with someone I want to stay with is dump them.
Rachel: Well, he was getting kind of possessive, you
know? Is it me?
Mark: I don’t think so.
You’re a wonderful person, and he’s lucky to have you, but guys are like
that sometimes. I’d love to be in his
position.
Rachel: (smiles) Oh, Mark, you are so nice. (gets up and hugs his head)
Mark: Thanks. But you do know you’re… (motioning to the fact she’s pressing her breasts against his
head)
Rachel: (lets go) Sorry.
Mark: No, highlight of my day, really.
Rachel: Is he gonna cheat on
me?
Mark: Your ex-boyfriend?
Rachel: You know, you’re right. (tactlessly) I could be doing
you right now and it wouldn’t be a problem. (waves her
finger around)
Mark: As happy as that makes me feel, I think it
would. You’re kind of emotional… and
drunk…
(Rachel laughs before pouring herself another glass of
wine)
Rachel: (curiously) Do guys
lose all rationality when a hot woman starts kissing them?
Mark: Can’t tell you.
That’s a guy secret.
Rachel: That you do lose all rationality?
Mark: Yeah. Dammit!
(Rachel kisses him)
Scene 5: Rachel and Monica’s
Apartment
(Monica is making a smoothie)
Rachel: (walks in from her
bedroom, groaning) Morning.
Monica: You look tired. Must have been some night.
Rachel: Ross and I broke up.
Monica: What? (sets the blender off and gets food on the ceiling)
Rachel: Oh no, it’s on the
ceiling.
Monica: That’s okay. This is more important than fruit… (looks up, angrily) on my ceiling. You broke up?
What happened?
Rachel: He insisted on
celebrating our anniversary. He came to
my office and…
Monica: That pig.
Rachel: (chuckles) I did a
bad thing.
Monica: Oh, Rachel, no.
Rachel: Well, I didn’t mean
to. You know that queasy feeling when
you wake up with someone you never meant to sleep with?
Monica: (holds her stomach) You promised you wouldn’t bring that up!
Rachel: Sorry.
Monica: Who did you…?
(Mark walks out)
Monica: Mark!
Rachel: Headache here,
please.
Monica: You pig!
(Rachel groans)
Mark: I’m sorry, Monica. I truly am.
But when a beautiful woman kisses you, you lose all rationality.
Monica: So, you really do?
Mark: Dammit!
(to Rachel) Rachel, I’m not going to do this
again. I feel awful about it. Don’t call me.
Rachel: Sorry, was I bad?
Mark: No, you were great, but
I don’t appreciate being called by a different name.
Rachel: Bye.
Mark: (curtly) Bye. (leaves)
Rachel: (sighs) Monica, what
am I going to do? Ross is never going to
forgive me.
Monica: Rachel, you cheated
on him! What did you expect?
Rachel: I don’t need
patronizing right now.
Monica: Well, sorry! Listen, Rachel, you’re my best friend, but
you’ve done something very wrong to my brother.
Rachel: Do I tell him?
Monica: He’s gonna find out somehow.
Rachel: Isn’t there some kind
of trail I gotta break? You know, so he doesn’t find out?
Monica: Yeah, but no decent
person would even think of doing that.
Rachel: I’m gonna call him.
Monica: Okay, I’ll be in my
room, getting ready for work.
Rachel: Fine.
(Monica goes into her room)
Rachel: (on the phone) Hey,
Ross? Yeah, it’s Rachel. Can you come over? We need to talk.
Scene 6: Monica’s Bedroom
(Monica is tying her
bathrobe)
(Phoebe enters)
Phoebe: Hey, Mon, what’s
going on with Rachel? I’m getting really
bad vibes.
Monica: Come in. You’d better sit down.
Phoebe: Sit down? (gasps) You mean Rachel cheated on Ross?
Monica: (whispers harshly) How can you know that?
Phoebe: I am strong
woman. If you want me to sit down, it’s that bad. I can only be floored by a revelation of that
magnitude. See? (falls
to the floor)
Monica: (tightens her robe)
Might as well. All we need is Joey.
Joey: Hey, you called?
Monica: What are you doing
here?
Joey: We are getting cheater
vibes from across the hall. And why is Pheebs on the floor?
Phoebe: I didn’t sit down!
Joey: (slams the door behind
him) A revelation that would floor Phoebe?
Rachel cheated on Ross? No way!
Monica: Yeah. You get cheater vibes?
Phoebe: Like we’d ever tell
you it’s because we’re discussing our dates.
Dammit!
Joey: Who did she cheat with?
Monica: Whom.
Joey: Oh, I’ll remember that.
Monica: Mark!
(the
other three are flabbergasted)
Monica: What do you
mean? He’s cute. He’s a nice guy.
Joey: Okay, we’re giving you
this guy secret for free. We are experts
on cheating, natural experts, (the
girls look at him) and there’s this test that you use to calculate whether or
not a person is the right type and good enough to cheat with. It works the same ways as those quizzes in Cosmo.
Phoebe: Really? And you read Cosmo?
Joey: I grew up with seven
sisters. Sometimes, it was the only
reading material in the bathroom.
Monica: Let me guess. You only read the embarrassing moments part,
didn’t you?
(Ross screaming)
Scene 7: Monica and Rachel’s
Living Room
(Ross is pounding on the
table; Rachel is crying on the couch)
Rachel: Ross, I’m so sorry…
Ross: I… I… I…
Rachel: I know you’re angry.
Ross: I’m not… (pounds so hard the table cracks) Okay, I am, but it’s not
you… (looks at her and looks away) Okay, it is, but
I’m trying for it not to be, but… (slaps his fist
again, and a piece of the table falls off)
(inside
Monica’s room, all three are restraining Monica, who is trying to run at the
door; Phoebe is muffling her animalistic yelping noises)
Rachel: Ross, what can I do?
Ross: You’ve done enough.
Rachel: I deserved that.
Ross: No, you didn’t. It’s just… (knocks
the table over before crying in his hands)
Scene 8: Monica’s Bedroom
(Monica weeping)
Monica: As we speak, the
banana juice is staining my ceiling. And a table… a broken table. (breaks
into a fit)
(COMMERCIAL BREAK)
Scene 9: The Living Room
(Ross and Rachel just stare
at each other)
Ross: Who with?
Rachel: Mark.
Ross: (fuming) Mark…
Rachel: It was my fault. I take full responsibility. He hates me now. I’m the one who took advantage of him.
Ross: I…
Rachel: Don’t be mad at him. I’m the one
who started kissing him.
Ross: He lost rationality.
Rachel: That’s a guy secret.
(chuckles)
Ross: Like I care.
Rachel: (frowns)
Ross, what’s happening?
Ross: Last night, we were
breaking up. Now…
Rachel: We’re breaking up… (looks away)
Ross: Rach,
I can’t imagine my world without you… but things are falling aback, absolutely
crumbling between us…
Rachel: And I’m the one with
the sledgehammer.
Scene 10: Monica’s Bedroom
(the
four are all laying on Monica’s bed)
Joey: Anybody else hungry?
Monica: Starving. I’m going to change. Nobody look.
(goes
over to her bureau and undoes her robe)
Joey: Hey, she’s wearing
stuff underneath.
Monica: And I’m not changing.
(hops onto the bed in a tee-shirt and cotton shorts)
Scene 11: The Living Room
(Ross and Rachel have moved
to the couches)
Rachel: You’ve been quiet for
forty-five minutes. You’re not going to
forgive me, are you?
Ross: My soul is screaming to do so, but I can’t stop thinking about you and
him…
Rachel: Then don’t! I’m not thinking about it. I hardly remember it. I just woke up this morning beside someone I
didn’t want to wake up by. I wanted to
wake up beside you. Didn’t you want to
wake up beside me?
Ross: More than anything in
the world.
Rachel: Then, let’s put this
behind us. Let’s do that.
Ross: You think this is
easy?!
Rachel: I have no idea.
Ross: (furious) Imagine if I
went to bar, and I found some hot girl, and I took her home, and we made love.
(Rachel slaps him)
Ross: What was that?! I’m the victim
here.
Scene 11: Monica’s Room
(they
all have their ears to the door)
Monica: (slaps him) She’s in
pain!
Scene 12: The Living Room
(Rachel and Ross on the
couch)
Rachel: You would have made love to some random slut you met at
a bar. If that’s making love, then what
were we doing? Because
it meant a lot more to me than a one-night-stand.
Ross: Well, seeing that,
between you and me, you’re the only one who’s had one…
Rachel: I guess I deserved
that.
Ross: Yeah.
(Rachel breaks down crying)
Ross: Rachel, I’m hurting
you. It wouldn’t be making love, like what
we do… did. It’s
just, that’s what sex has been for me for the last year and a half. I don’t want to hurt you, but, goddammit, what am I supposed to do?
Rachel: I wish I knew. I wish I could fix this, but I can’t. I mean, I bring you over, I tell you
face-to-face, and I keep you here trying to work it out.
Ross: Work it out! Rachel, are you crazy? This is not some bump in the road to “work
out.” This is a horrible, terrible
ten-car pileup! Why are you fighting?
Rachel: (screaming) Wouldn’t you?! If you
had been the one who humped some floozy, wouldn’t you be on the ground, begging
for me to take you back?
Ross: I don’t know.
Rachel: ‘Cause
if you aren’t, then I’m not begging anymore.
The only reason you’re still here is because I thought you’d be that
kind of guy.
Ross: (admits) I would. I’d spend days, my last living breaths,
trying to get you back. I’d kill myself
trying. Believe me. Because I know you’re worth it. I know it.
At least who you were yesterday was worth it.
Rachel: Then you’re worth it,
too. And I’m going to kill myself trying. My god, is this it? How can this be it?
Ross: It just is.
Rachel: (sharply) No! It can’t be.
I’m not letting this be it. I
won’t. Ross, you were the first good
thing that happened to me.
Scene 13: Monica’s Bedroom
(listening
at the door; Monica crying)
Monica: (angry through the
tears) Wait a second! What about being
born into a wealthy family? What about
me taking her in? Was that not good?
Phoebe: I guess. Anyone else still hungry?
(Joey is gnawing on the
sheets;
Joey: Pizza. Yummy.
Monica: How are you not
eating off your own arm, Phoebe?
Phoebe: Well, one,
vegetarian. Two, I was homeless
once. I learned to deal.
Monica: (looking down) By eating your shoes?
Phoebe: Well, yeah. What about you?
(Monica holds up a half-eaten
sneaker)
Monica: Is that animal
meat? I mean, leather?
Phoebe: (furiously examining
her shoe) Whew! Poly-cotton
products. For a minute there, I
thought I was going to have to go to confessional.
Monica: You’re not Catholic.
Phoebe: But I am vegetarian.
(pauses pensively) Sorry, I don’t think straight when
I’m hungry.
Scene 14: The Living Room
(Rachel is leaning on Ross’s
shoulder, who doesn’t acknowledge her)
Rachel: You’re gonna leave this apartment not being my boyfriend, aren’t
you?
Ross: I am. I can barely face it, but it’s like it’s
impossible.
Rachel: You’re like another
person.
Ross: So are you.
Rachel: No, I’m the same
person.
Ross: Then, you’re
right. I am.
Rachel: Well, then, hi, I’m
Rachel Green.
Ross: You think you can just
start this over?! You think it’s that
easy!
Rachel: Easy? Ross, starting over would be the hardest
thing I would ever do.
Ross: Harder than never
seeing me again?
Rachel: No… but it’s in the
top ten… (chuckles; Ross doesn’t) It would be
hard. It would almost lethal.
Ross: You are a beautiful
woman. And you’re my sister’s best
friend.
Rachel: Yes!
(in
the bedroom)
Phoebe: Hey!
(in
the living room)
Ross: She tells me you
cheated on your last boyfriend, but I’m very interested in getting to know you
nonetheless. I’ll be honest, I’d be very
interested in dating you, but I’m not sure if I can trust you.
Rachel: Oh, I get it. Ross, you can trust me… (laughs)
I will spend the rest of my life trying to regain your trust. That is, if you let me.
Ross: That might work.
Rachel: Really? (goes over to kiss him, but he holds his hand up)
Ross: Excuse me; I barely
know you, ma’am. I’m flattered that
you’re so interested, but you’ll have to wait until I’m ready. Unless you’re with someone
else then.
Rachel: I won’t be. Please
give me this chance. (kneels on the floor in front of
him, watery eyes locked with his, and holding his hands in hers in a begging
position)
(Ross is silent for a long
time)
(a
very long time)
(even
the air is still)
(the
silence is deafening)
Ross: Okay… (looks at her gravely)
(Rachel smiles, brimming with
tears, and hugs his legs)
Scene 15: Monica and
(the
gang come to)
Pheobe: (with gusto) Whoa, that
sucked! (sniffles)
Rachel: (looks at Ross,
holding his hand) You really would have forgiven
me. I’m so sorry.
Ross: It doesn’t matter any
more, Rach. (takes her
hands) Things worked out, finally.
Godeerc: Rachel spent the
next six months trying to regain Ross’s trust, and she succeeds, finally. The two of you get back together, neither of
you having dated during that time. And in
the end, it works out. It’s constant
turmoil, but it works out for you guys.
Rachel: Okay, give me a
second, ‘cause I’m thinking of a really good one for
you, Pheebs.
Phoebe: (to the others) I
think that was worth it, despite the Karma. (Joey nods in agreement)
Rachel: I wish she had never
met Mike. Ha!
Phoebe: You bitch! (smiles) That was a good one!
Godeerc: Okay, but I’m not a
genie. You don’t need to wish it. (dials his cell phone) Hey, Honey. Listen; would you do this for me? Yeah, it’s gonna
sound strange…
Scene 16: Central Perk, 2002
(Joey runs into Central Perk)
Jessica: Hey, Joe, what’s
going on?
Joey: Hey, Danielle.
Jessica: Jessica.
Joey: (looks at her) Oh,
wait, you are Jessica. You look like a
chick I know named Danielle.
Jessica: It’s called settling
down. What’s wrong? You look like you just dropped your mother’s
favorite crystal vase.
Joey: Huh?
Jessica: Never mind. What’s going on, Joe?
Joey: I promised to set up Pheebs with a blind date and I forgot.
Jessica: You really are an
idiot.
Joey: Well, duh, Jessica
Fletcher.
Jessica: Williams.
Joey: No, the chick from Murder, She Wrote.
Jessica: Huh?
Joey: There was a marathon on
a couple a nights ago. That is one smart
old chick.
Jessica: Against my better
judgment, I’m gonna give you the name of a male
friend of mine.
Joey: Thank you. Was he…?
Jessica: Were we…? No. My
gal pal told me he was into some crazy stuff.
Joey: (nodding) Perfect…
Jessica: And, just FYI, they
also show X-Files marathons late at
night.
Joey: Oh, no, no no no no
no no no
no no. You do
not want to see my after watching The X-Files. Unless it’s one of those episodes where
Scully is in a coma and lying down in a white gown for most of the episode, I
actually pay attention to the plot, and… (shivers)
Jessica: Life must be so
simple for you. (gives him a slip of paper)
(Joey runs out and Gunther walks by)
Gunther: (disappointed) Jessica, I had faith in you. But I guess he’s right. They all succumb to him eventually. If only he would tutor me.
Jessica: Life must be so
complicated for you. (takes her tray and goes to the
counter)
Scene 17:
(they
come to)
Phoebe: What was that? Rachel’s was like three hours long.
Godeerc: It was twenty
minutes. I’d show you the aftereffects,
but remember, sore hands.
Phoebe: Oh, you’re not
getting me on that one. I already have a
wedding ring, see! (feels her hands and breathes a
sigh of relief, then starts to feel her hand again) this isn’t Mike’s ring.
Monica: You know it by touch?
Phoebe: Don’t you?
Monica: Yeah, but I’m Monica.
Phoebe: Hey, this ring looks
familiar. It was David gave me. I married David, didn’t I? (see her other hand) No, I didn’t.
Godeerc: He’s in
Phoebe: He can’t give up his
job for me? Rachel gave up her job for
Ross.
Monica: Hey, that was my turkey sandwich!
Phoebe: And it is a work of
art.
Monica: Thank you. (to
Joey: What about me?
Godeerc: You dated Mary Ellen
for three weeks.
Joey: That long?
Phoebe: There are only so
many pages in the Kuma Santra book.
Joey: (to Godeerc) Really?
Godeerc: (groans) Yes. These are the
kind of predictions I don’t need to get.
Ross: What else happens?
Godeerc: Well, Joey’s incredible
success with Mary Ellen sent him headfirst back into the dating scene. Consequently, with Ross and Rachel’s whole
relationship thrown into a completely different direction, the whole
Rachel-Joey fiasco was averted.
Joey: Fiasco?
Godeerc: Oh, come on.
Joey: (reluctantly) Alright.
Rachel: Heck yeah. (gets looks) So with him now. (point to Ross)
Godeerc: And so you
were. In fact, you got together a lot
sooner.
(Ross and Rachel exchange
smiles)
Phoebe: And I end up with an
engagement the size of a grain of sand?
Monica: Pheebs,
it’s not about the size. (Phoebe shoves it in her face; Monica cringes) Damn,
am I a bad person because that makes me want to cry?
Godeerc: I wouldn’t
worry. Jessica’s with Mike right now
making sure he doesn’t get all confused with the physical representation. This’ll reverse when I leave.
Monica: Do we own this house?
Godeerc: Yeah, don’t worry
about that. (pauses; dials his phone) JJ, would you
mind double-checking the habitation records? (listens,
then nods) Yeah, we’re good.
Godeerc: Anyway, who’s next?
(Joey giggles)
Godeerc: I’m afraid to ask.
Joey: Oh, I haven’t thought
of anything. I’m just thinking about
page 142.
(
(A/N: I did not research
this. I have no idea what 142 is.)
Godeerc: I really don’t think
so.
Joey: But to your best
friend?
Godeerc: And that’s a bad
thing?
Godeerc: You da boss.
Scene18:
(
(time
lapse)
(
(Joey and Kathy are making
out on the couch)
(
Rachel: (walking into her
apartment)
Rachel: So, you’re being a
peeping tom. Or an eavesdropping tom,
that is.
Rachel: No, but lesbian love
triangles aren’t really my cup of tea.
(Rachel rolls her eyes and
walk into her apartment)
(
Joey: What are you doing
Joey: (suspicious) Who’s there?
Joey: I don’t think I get it.
Joey: Ross doesn’t get
anything.
Kathy: (smiles) Hey,
Kathy: Did you just get a
haircut?
Kathy: It looks nice. You know, I cut hair, too, so if you ever
want me cut it for you, I can.
Kathy: No problem.
Scene 19: Monica and
(they
reawaken)
(silence)
Godeerc: Anyway, that was just the set up.
This is a two-act play.
Scene 20: Joey and
(a
few months later;
Joey: Hey,
Joey: Hey. It’s Inuit.
Joey: Anyway, Kathy said she
was looking for a “lasting commitment.”
She was hoping for a symbol of “our eternal exclusivity.” What the hell does that mean?
Joey: (not getting it)
Propose what? I’ve proposed a lot of
things, and about half the time, she doesn’t think it’s a good idea.
Joey: (crazed) What?! Really?
Chandler: (deadpan) Well, not
right now, but after four months, (becoming wired) I think she expects you to be taking the off-ramp from Casual Dating
and get onto the interstate of Significant Othership
with the tollbooth of Diamond Ring so that you can reach the town of Engagementville and onto final destination, Marriedtown.
Joey: Holy cow! I don’t know.
I’m gonna have to think about this for awhile.
Joey: No, I’ve got some
serious thinking to do.
Joey: Thanks.
Scene 19: Ross’s Apartment,
1997
(Ross answers the door)
Ross: Hey,
Ross: Oh, no, man. How you taking it?
Ross: Okay, sit down, but not
at the table. Rachel and I are trying to
get the invitation list done. She’s out
with Emily right now. Those two are
inseparable.
Chandler: (plops down on the
couch) Do you know what it’s like to be so close to the one you love, and she’s
with someone else?
Ross: Well, since you’ve
apparently woken from a three-year coma, I’m going to tell you about a woman
named Susan. Then, if we have time,
we’ll move onto the fine points of Paolo, Mark, and Russ the periodontist.
Ross: Yeah, ‘cause you know, we were nothing alike in college.
Ross: Attempt various
ill-advised, futile, and careless attempts to break them up, all the while
trying to be the ideal person for her.
Ross: I should know. You’re the one who succeeded me.
Ross: (relieved) Yeah.
Scene 21: Joey and Kathy’s
Apartment, 1998
(
(Joey answers the door)
Joey: Hey,
Joey: I need some advice
about Kathy.
Joey: I walked by Mario’s
today and didn’t go in.
Joey: It’s not only
that. I keep seeing these beautiful
women on the street. I’m overcome with
this intense desire to ask for their numbers, but I can’t.
Joey: Huh?
(Joey is staring into space)
Joey: You’re right. (glazes over again)
(
Scene 22: Monica and
(they
return)
Godeerc: Very interesting,
Mr. Bing.
Monica: The woman you love?
Joey: What do you mean I
didn’t deserve her?
Godeerc: No. They got a divorce.
Godeerc: No, but at the time
you and Monica were having your… covert liaison.
Monica: So, we still…
Godeerc: Very much, only you
didn’t seduce
Monica: Some story to tell
Jack, Erica, and… Wait a second, we only have two
kids, right?
Chandler: Last time I
counted, but you know it’s been almost thirty years since I was in first grade,
but I totally didn’t catch that until you couldn’t think of our third child’s
name, when I realize, we don’t have a third child. (to
Godeerc, deadpan) Is she pregnant?
Godeerc: I don’t think
so. But they have tests for that. You can buy them at stores.
Godeerc: Fate doesn’t dictate
that certain things happen per se, but it tries to pull some things in a
certain direction most of the time.
Rachel: Emily and I were
inseparable?
Godeerc: Well, at the time, the you-and-Ross thing was still very delicate…
Rachel: I wouldn’t have
blinked an eye for Joshua.
Godeerc: You were very
cautious about everything in your life.
You came off as very friendly to Emily, and you two had a great time for
two weeks.
Rachel: (doubtful) Really?
(Godeerc just chuckles)
Monica: (bursts out) I call
Ross!
Ross: (epiphany) Yeah, and
she’s got 97% of my life too look at.
Monica: I wish Carol never
realized she was a lesbian.
Godeerc: Dang, girl. I am so coming back for another session or
two with you sadists.
Scene 23: Central Perk, 1996
(a
very sad-looking Ross drinking coffee)
Monica: Ross, I’m tired of
looking at your gloomy face. Just
divorce her.
Ross: I don’t like divorces.
Joey: Dude, it’s been like
three years.
Ross: Normally, I’d get mad
at you for announcing it, but since I don’t care… (announcing
it loudly to the restaurant) I haven’t been intimate with my wife in almost
three years!
Joey: How do you survive?
Joey: So that’s why the back
room is always empty.
(Rachel walks in)
Rachel: (fuming) Okay; that
is the last time I ever let Brian convince me to go out with him again. Why can’t I find a decent guy? (looks at Ross) Ross, I need to put things in
perspective. Tell me about your marriage
again.
Ross: (melancholy) Well, all right…
Scene 24: Ross and Carol’s
Apartment, 1996
(Ross answers the door)
Ross: Hey, Rachel, what’s
going on?
Rachel: I had a bad date.
Ross: Well, that’s no fun,
but I wouldn’t think to go to me if I had a bad date.
Rachel: (quickly) Yeah, that sentence was so strange, I’m going to allow it to
go over my head. Where’s Carol?
Ross: She’s meeting some
friends, Joshua and Susan.
Rachel: She meets with
another couple?
Ross: No. They’re not together. I’m pretty sure Susan’s gay.
Rachel: And Joshua?
Ross: I’m pretty sure he’s
straight. He’s never hit on me.
Rachel: I’m straight and I
haven’t hit on you.
Ross: I feel so much better
now.
Rachel: Ross, talk to
me. You’re kind of dull, right?
Ross: If I didn’t have such a
low self-esteem, I wouldn’t agree with that, but I guess people don’t find me
particularly interesting. My wife sure
doesn’t.
Rachel: But you’re a good
guy. You do a good job of raising Ben
and the museum pays you well.
Ross: Yes, all facts you know
about me, Rach.
Rachel: You ever had a bonus
night?
Ross: What is that?
Scene 25: Monica and
(they
come to)
Rachel: Did I just seduce
him?
Godeerc: Yeah. Carol caught you and there was a
divorce. Though she did cite infidelity as
the cause, she refused to push the matter.
She decided the guidelines from the pre-nup
for amicable separation.
Joey: Godeerc, you’re a
lawyer, right?
Godeerc: If Carol had been
mad at Ross for cheating, she would have taken him to the cleaners. (waits for a reaction from Joey, who nods) But instead, she
just asked to go to the pre-marriage status.
It’s as if she didn’t care.
Ross: (sarcastic) Really?
Rachel: Was that the same
Joshua as…?
Godeerc: I’m afraid so.
Ross: Wait a second. How did
you keep Carol from coming out?
Godeerc: I put in a call to
Rachel: Wow.
Godeerc: (laughs) I’m kidding. I snuck in one day and installed a tape
recorder under Carol’s night stand. At
night, it played various message encouraging her not so much to resist her
homosexual tendencies, but to keep debating whether she really was
heterosexual.
Ross: That’s almost just as
creepy.
Godeerc: Oh, course not. (reaches into his pocket; his cell phone rings, and he
answers it) Yeah, the flock is searching for the shrimp. (hangs
up) That was, uh, a call from home base.
They ask me to check on some fishermen in Lousiana. Apparently, a seagull infestation may lower
our provision quota in our food division.
Ross: (looking back and forth
between Monica and
Joey: What the heck would I
throw them under a bus?
Ross: Clichés, another lost
cause in the twenty-first century. Do
you have a preference between messing with Monica or
Joey: Well,
Ross: You didn’t spare me.
Joey: I call Monica!
Ross: Okay, let’s see what I
can do with
Rachel: You’re so hot when
you’re scheming.
Ross: Really?
Rachel: No.
Ross: I wonder what would
happen if Monica if Monica had actually succeeded in seducing
Scene 26: The Geller House
Kitchen, 1988
(Monica starts to make
macaroni and cheese with
(the
doorbell rings and a few minutes later…)
Judy: Monica, Sweetie, a
neighbor wants to borrow a knife.
Monica: Why?
Judy: Oh, I don’t know. Why do you ask?
Monica: (pulling the knife
out) Most people don’t ask for large kitchen utensils. Plus, you didn’t seem to know them by
name. Hopefully, they’re not an axe
murderer.
Judy: Such silly thoughts. (takes the knife)
Monica: (looks around and
pulls an ice cube from the ice tray) Well, I don’t know about you, but it is
really hot in this kitchen. (rubs the ice cube across
her head, then her collarbone;
Monica: You like?
Monica: You hungry yet?
Monica: Well, I make
servings… (jumps on counter) big. Maybe you ought to work out a little
bit. There’s a treadmill in my room, if
you’d like to use it. It’s in my room.
(Monica leads him away; she
winks to Rachel on her way up, who is pretending to listen to Ross talk)
Scene 27: Monica’s Bedroom
(Monica shoves a very nervous
Monica: (knocking the
shoulders off her dress) Well, if you’d like to try the alternate workout. I’d take off some clothes. I hear it’s get really hot… (eyes widen) You’re quick.
Monica: (still staring) Uh… (grabs a camera and takes a picture)
Monica: You called me fat!
Monica: You know what I’m
going to do with this?
Monica: Well, me
neither. But I’ll do something with it.
Monica: Nope.
(
Monica: (takes several
enormous breaths) Thank you, Aunt Iris, for teaching me how to bluff. (opens the empty camera) If only I still
remembered how to play poker.
(COMMERCIAL BREAK)
Scene 28: Monica and
(the
gang comes to)
Phoebe: Ooh, what happened?
Godeerc: Well,
Godeerc: Well, let’s say
there was a rift between the two of you.
Monica: Where are the
kids? Did they?
Godeerc: They’re with
Jessica. Legally, they belong to another
couple. You and
Godeerc: A 2.75-carat diamond
ring.
Monica: Fair!
Rachel: Is Emma with Jessica,
too?
(a
golden-haired girl of about seven years emerges from the kitchen)
The girl: Mommy, why is Miss
Jessica keeping me in Aunt Monica’s kitchen?
Jessica: (with a bottle in
hand and her head on the phone) Emma, get back in here. You can have a cookie. (the
girl runs back in) You don’t pay me enough for this.
Godeerc: (blows a kiss) Ten extra guests at the wedding.
Jessica: Fifteen.
Godeerc: Deal. (she blows him a kiss and returns to the kitchen)
Monica: And she does this all
in my kitchen?
Rachel: Okay, last time I
checked Emma was two years old.
Godeerc:
Joey: (in fancy clothes) Yet I’m still here.
Godeerc: You’re next. I had to pull you here. Jessica called in sick for you a few minutes
ago.
Ross: Man, she’s
efficient. If she ever is looking for a
job, I could use a secretary.
Godeerc: You’re a college
professor. That’s what TA’s are for.
Ross: Then won’t give me any.
Godeerc: You’re a tenured
professor! Put up an announcement on the
paleontology billboard and someone volunteers for it.
Ross: Wow, my own colleagues
lied to me. Well, it wouldn’t be the
first time.
Joey: When was that?
Ross: They told me that these
pelvic bones that I found were from the missing link.
Ross: No, they proved his
existence years ago. (everyone exchanges glances) I’m
taking about a repto-mammalian prehistoric
creature. Its existence would validate
one of my evolutionary theories.
Joey: Man,
that was dull. Are you sure I
can’t screw Ross instead?
Godeerc: Well, as much as I’d
be afraid to inflict torture on Monica, this is your get-out-of-jail-free card.
Joey: Cool. What if… Richard had
dumped her.
Rachel: Ooh, I’m
impressed. That was a good one.
Ross: Yeah.
(other
affirmations)
Monica:
Watch out, Tribianni.
We still haven’t declared a godfather.
Joey:
Hello! I’m Italian! (scratches
his chin and does a Marlon Brando voice) You come to
me… on my daughter’s wedding day… and you question whether I am the godfather.
Joey:
(pulls out a half-price plane ticket coupon) Hmmm…
Monica:
Wait a second. Why would Richard dump
me?
Joey:
That’s not for me to figure out. It’s
for him. (points to Godeerc)
Godeerc:
Can we pretend that I am a genie for
a second and that I have to grant
Joey’s wish?
Monica:
This involves love! You can’t interfere
with love.
Godeerc:
Okay, how many times have you seen Aladdin? You were twenty-five when that came out.
Monica:
We bought most of the Disney movies for the twins.
(Rachel
shivers)
Monica:
How can you hate Mary Poppins? Hello, Julie Andrews?
Rachel:
You know I was nanny-phobic as a child. I
grew up hating her.
Ross:
So, this is why I was spared from The
Princess Diaries. (to
Ross:
(meekly) You know?
He’s right.
Joey:
Plus, it had a monkey.
(Ross
looks nostalgic)
Rachel:
By the way, we are never getting a
monkey.
Ross:
I expected as much.
Godeerc:
Okay. I’ll admit, Aladdin’s my favorite, too, but I’m going to get on with the
glimpse now.
Scene
29: Monica and Rachel’s Apartment, 1995
(a knock at the door)
(Richard
peeks out Monica’s door; he sneaks out in a robe and quietly answers the door)
Godeerc:
(dressed as a delivery man with flowers) I’ve got a delivery for this
address.
Richard:
(takes them) Probably for Rachel. Thanks.
Are they paid for?
Godeerc:
Yeah. Tip included, so don’t worry about
it.
Richard:
That’s pretty honest of you.
Godeerc:
Company policy requires the receipt to be included, which doesn’t include
price, but states whether they’re paid for, including tip. Plus, I wear a name tag. But, I’m very honest for a delivery man, yes.
Richard:
Well, thank you. (closes the door)
(a knock at the door)
Richard:
Busy day. (it’s Ross) Hey, Ross.
Ross:
Hey, is Rachel here?
Richard:
Eh, no. I was just… (stops
short and looks at Ross)
Ross: No, it’s okay. I don’t want to
hear.
Richard:
Thank you. (by the way, Rachel got your flowers)
Ross:
(looks at the flowers) I didn’t send them. (looks at
the card) They’re for Monica.
Richard:
What? I didn’t send them. What do they say?
Ross:
“To Monica. I had a great time. Signed, You-Know-Who. PS…”
I’m not going to repeat that.
Monica:
(coming out of the bedroom) Hey, sexy.
Ross!
(Ross
screams and covers his eyes, throwing the flowers in the air in the process)
Monica:
(comes out in a robe) What’s with the flowers?
Richard:
Someone sent them to you, thanking you for the good time. It wasn’t me.
Monica:
Well, it’s obviously a prank. (grabs a broom and
starts sweeping; picks up the card) Oh, lord, that’s a naughty postscript. Richard, you have nothing to worry about. (looks at the card, then furrows her brow) Wait, I know this
handwriting anywhere. It’s Jeff, one of
my waiters.
Ross:
Not Jeff Jeff.
Jeff what’s-his-name?
Monica:
Seagal. And
yeah, it’s him. Pretty lame prank.
Richard:
What do you mean?
Monica:
We used to date. He’s being jealous.
Richard:
You work with someone you used to date?
Monica:
(huffs) C’mon, Richard, you’re being unreasonable. I wouldn’t care if you worked with someone
you used to date. I mean, if you hired
an ex-girlfriend as your receptionist, I’d be suspicious, but I trust you.
Richard:
Well, of course you do. The only
ex-girlfriend I’ve ever had has a restraining order on me.
Monica:
Hey, I thought you were a lot more mature than to bring up the divorcee card!
Richard:
Monica, we cannot be having a fight over such a ridiculous trifle! We’re adults.
Monica:
Well, you are, but what am I?
Richard:
Listen, Monica, I gotta go. I’ll call you later.
Monica:
Well, fine, you do that!
Ross:
(sniffs one of the flowers) That kind of reminds me of
the time when you were seven and…
Monica:
What are you still doing here?
Ross:
Okay. See ya. And if Rachel gets back, tell I was looking
for her.
Monica:
Whatever.
(time lapse)
(Monica
is weeping on the couch, watching a movie)
(Rachel
walks in)
Monica:
(through the tears) Hi.
Rachel:
Honey, what’s wrong? (looks at the screen) Dangerous Liaisons… no!
Monica:
Yes!
Rachel:
What did he do?
Monica:
Jeff sent me flowers and he’s jealous.
Rachel:
Jeff Jeff?
Monica:
Seagal?
Yes. But Richard really flipped
his lid.
Rachel:
So…
Monica:
I’ll be fine. (fumes)
Rachel:
Has Ross been by?
Monica:
No.
Rachel:
Then I’ll call him. You lie when you’re
angry.
Monica:
I do not!
Rachel:
Uh-huh. And you also don’t get angry
when guys don’t notice your breasts in low-cut outfits. (to
the phone) Hey, Ross, Honey, Monica says you weren’t by. (pause)
Yeah, she’s still angry.
(Monica
presses a button and watches the movie)
Rachel:
(going to her room, holding the phone to her shoulder) You
sure everything’s okay?
Monica:
It was a silly fight. No big deal.
Scene
30: Monica and
(they come to)
Godeerc:
Big deal. Things went downhill from
there.
(everyone but
Godeerc:
Monica, sit down. It didn’t really
happen.
Godeerc:
Not a whole lot, I’m getting. Stuff happens
differently, but the connections are indirect.
The whole butterfly flapping thing.
(he gets looks)
Godeerc: Go ahead, Ross. I can tell
you’re dying to.
Ross:
Chaos theory. Awesome class I took in
college. For actions with too many
variables to accurately calculate, we instead study the generalize patterns of
complex or turbulent reactions, like the movement of a rough stream of water,
or the air currents that follow a baseball’s path. What he was alluding to was the theory that
the flab of a wing of a butterfly could conceivably set off a chain reaction
that causes a hurricane halfway around the world.
Joey:
(thinks) How does that happen?
Ross:
That’s the thing; we can’t calculate, trace, or predict it. It’s not so much about the chain reaction but
rather why that event caused a certain action rather than another. (to Godeerc) Just like you.
Godeerc:
Excellent, Ross. You want a gold star
sticker?
Ross:
You got one?
Godeerc:
I was kidding, but I’ll remember ‘em next time.
(Joey
sneezes)
(Joey’s
eyes widen)
Godeerc:
(looks at his watch) Wow, I was here for a long time. Almost two and half hours. That’s our longest session.
Rachel:
He’s right. Ross, we gotta
get Emma into bed.
Ross:
(shakes hands with Godeerc) Always a pleasure.
Rachel:
Any chance you’ll come back soon?
Godeerc:
I can’t make any promises, but unless something comes up. I’ll be in
Phoebe:
Wow, we finally got him to plan them instead of coming by unannounced.
Monica:
I know!
Monica:
I know. Isn’t it wonderful?
Ross:
(aside to Rachel) Let’s just hope our niece doesn’t
turn our like her namesake.
Rachel:
Yeah, illegitimate children do bring shame to the family. (smirks
at him)
(they leave)
Godeerc:
(shakes Joey’s hand) Well, Joey, I’ll see you soon. By the way, make sure to send me your new
address in LA if you go.
Joey:
Will do.
(he leaves)
Phoebe:
You didn’t give him any contact information.
Godeerc:
He’s forgetful anyway.
Joey:
(pokes his head in) Did I say I needed to do anything,
‘cause if not, I’m going home.
(he leaves again with Phoebe)
Godeerc:
(hugs Monica) Monica, I must say, you’re the best hostess. You can tell why I enjoy coming to your
place.
Monica:
Oh, you know how to sweet-talk a girl.
Godeerc:
Which reminds me, (hands her the invitation) Jessica asked me to give this to
you in advance.
Monica:
“Mr. and Mrs.
Godeerc:
Oh, and since I’m still off the record.
Sweet dreams.
Monica:
That needed to be off the record?
Godeerc:
It’s cryptic, I know, but you’ll probably dream about something tonight. And... you’ll see.
(he leaves)
(ENDING CREDITS)
Monica:
Yeah. By the way, keep December 3 free.
(waves the invitation)
Monica:
Is this real?
Monica:
When Godeerc comes, we get to test things out.
Change our lives… if you could change it for real, would you want it any
other way?
Scene 31: Ross and Rachel’s Apartment
(Rachel
puts Emma to sleep with Ross standing behind her)
Rachel:
…would you want it any other way?
Ross:
Not even if I could live a thousand lives. (kisses her
and wraps his arms around her)
Scene
32: Mike and Phoebe’s Apartment
(Mike
and Phoebe cuddle on the couch)
Phoebe:
I should ask and see if I can bring you next time.
Mike:
Well, it sounds like a magic or hypnotism show, but you’ve not steered me
wrong, yet. But the concept is
interesting. Would you change your life
if you could?
Phoebe:
I wouldn’t dare. (kisses him and holds his hands)
Scene
33: Joey’s Apartment
(he’s alone, reading a travel brochure for
(a commercial comes on the TV)
TV
Spokeswoman: Are you satisfied with your body?
Is your life not what you’d like it to be? What if you could change it? Would you?
(Joey
turns off the TV)
Joey: I
think I might. (picks up the phone and a personal
directory) Gina… starts with a G… Monica, why didn’t you put these in
alphabetic order? There’s
even little tabs with letters! Here it
is, in the T’s of all places. And you
put all my sisters together. In
alphabetic order, I’ll admit, but still… you gotta
have a system.
(dials)
Joey:
Hey, Gina, what’s LA like this time of year?
(END)
A/N: Whew! Double whew!
Triple whew! Well, maybe not
triple, but double is find, because this is without a doubt the longest fic I have ever written.
Most definitely the longest Friends, or Godeerc
the Mystic fic I have written, if you don’t count the
two-part The One Where the Mystic Changes Vegas. But I thought I might as well get the whole
gang in. I guess this would really have
been split into two parts, or one of those super-sized Friends they did a couple years ago when they thought it would lose
to Survivor. Or even better, it could be a Friends movie or a reunion made-for-TV
movie. Though, I think the summer after would
be a little early for a reunion.
Well, I guess the cat’s out
of the bag: this series really isn’t only seven (or eight… or nine…) fics, it’s a lot more.
Already, I have two more fics in mind. I’ll just keep writing until I exhaust the
idea.
I know I was supposed to
quit, but in the works:
Extraordinaire: (on FPC) (to
be renamed) a story about Diana Owler, the
world-famous writer, and life in general.
It’s for a very good friend.
Untitled: the same genre as
above for the same reason. This is the
story of Oakleigh Daniels, a personal assistant to a prima donna
TV actress.
The Fate of the World: the
third part of the trilogy I should have finished at least three years ago. About the Power DigiDestined and their quest in the DigiWorld. I fully comprehend the geekiness
of those words, but I am inspired to finish it nonetheless.
The Mystic in the Hellmouth series: a Buffy
the Vampire Slayer series that includes Godeerc the Mystic and other
characters from our world. I found my
ideas for this series and will likely resurrect it. Kind of like Buffy.
Godeerc’s Work:
Random Friends fics: of the General
variety. Some I’ve driven into the
ground and must drive out; others are underdeveloped. Basically they’re so I always have work to do.
Untitled CSI fic: a series of mysterious death
occur and evidence at the scene bears a striking connection to the CSI’s themselves.
^_^ - Let’s see, how would I
screw up Godeerc’s life? Oh, the possibilities!
©2004, Godeerc VanDrey Publishing Co. Created Wednesday, October 6, 2004.