The One With
Santa Claus
by Godeerc VanDrey
Category:
Friends
Genre:
General, Humor
Rating:
PG
Language:
English
Summary:
Season 6. Joey and Rachel go Christmas
shopping, and Joey wants to sit on Santa lap.
Monica spends all day decorating her apartment for the holidays, while
A/N:
I’m back to do another Friends fic, just in time for the holidays. I thought I’d give all the readers out there
a little Christmas present, and here it is.
My hopes are that I can really pull of a decent story in a day, which
I’m doing. I might edit and proofread
it, but that’s about it. I have a good
feeling about this one.
Scene
1: Monica and
(the couches are full of boxes)
(
Monica:
(enters from her bedroom) I’m decorating for the holidays.
Monica:
No, but it would be a nice Christmas present.
Monica:
Hey, never hurts to ask.
Monica:
Yeah, but this year, I don’t want to focus in on one holiday. I want to do them all: Christmas, Hanukah,
Kwanzaa, and, uh, whatever else there is.
Monica:
Sure, but come back in a while, ‘cause I’m going to need
your help.
Monica:
Let’s see. We’ll put up some wreaths
first. (pulls out one wreath after another from a
cardboard box)
(OPENING
CREDITS)
(COMMERCIAL
BREAK)
Scene
2: Ross’s Apartment
(Ross
on the computer)
Ross:
And “BUY!” (clicks the mouse)
Ross:
Hey, man. What’s going on?
Ross:
Just getting some stuff online. You can come watch. I’m done
with all your stuff.
Ross:
Rachel.
Ross:
It’s a joke gift. It’s not like I’ll ever
see her in it.
Ross:
(scrambling) Those are for um, uh…
Ross: (exhales) Thanks.
Ross:
I don’t know. Jewelry’s always a winner.
Ross:
You might be right on that one. (thinks)
Ross:
(sighs) Okay. I don’t know what. I’d suggest clothes, but the (finger quotes)
“Guy People” aren’t very good at picking out stuff for
their mates.
Ross:
She’s pretty.
Ross:
Remember my sister?
Ross:
(his voice goes high) I’m in the room.
Ross:
Mostly stuff I got Rachel and Phoebe.
Ross:
(disgusted) No! I got her a sweater.
Ross:
Probably not. You’re supposed to get
something special for your girlfriend.
Found that one out that time I tried to give Rachel a pair of winter
gloves for her birthday.
Ross:
I’d been planning that kind of thing since the ninth grade.
Ross:
I’ve got quite a few, but Rachel may recognize my handiwork.
Ross:
‘Kay. (goes back to the computer) Now
for Joey. (types) Bingo.
Ross: I’ll get three.
Scene
3: Shopping Mall
(Rachel
holding a shopping bag in each hand, Joey’s arms full of them)
Rachel:
Thanks for holding my bags, Joe.
Joey:
(strained) Oh, you’re welcome. Tell me,
who’s all this stuff for?
Rachel:
My mom, my dad, my sisters, my dog, some friends, the gang, Gunther, Jessica…
Joey:
The waitress at Central Perk? Plus, your
dog has already died. Going out this
year for some reason?
Rachel: Yeah, Daddy’s early Christmas present was a credit card… with an
unlimited spending value.
Joey:
He knows and loves you dearly.
Rachel:
(smiles, proud) I know. Ooh, perfect
place to get some things.
(Joey
looks from behind the bags, he smiles, it’s
Joey:
I like this store.
Rachel:
I’m not trying on anything.
Joey:
(a bit disappointed) Can I still come in?
Rachel:
Be my guest. (goes into the store, followed by Joey)
Scene
4: Monica’s Apartment
(the apartment nicely decorated, Monica looking at a notepad)
Monica:
Let’s see. The dresser, the
entertainment system, and the coffee table are reserved for the Hanukah things;
the walls, kitchen table, and also any extra space are for Christmas table; and
the window is for the holiday candles.
Phoebe:
(enters; see the apartment) Wow! Monica,
you did a great job.
Monica:
Did?
Pheebs, I’ve only started. Look
at all the decorations I have left. (the couch is full of half-empty boxes of decorations)
Phoebe:
Wow, it’s going to get crowded in here.
Monica:
I know, but this is my Christmas project for the year. I just want to do so good.
Phoebe:
Okay. I’m going to go mingle with some
homeless people.
Monica:
(confused) Okay. Have a nice time.
Phoebe:
Thanks, you never know how lonely they get on Christmas. A lot of them wouldn’t even know it was
Christmas without the thoughtless commercialism of the world.
Monica:
All right, by the way, nice jeans.
Phoebe: Thanks. They're from American Eagle. It was the great 25% off sale. (proud) I shopped till I dropped.
Monica:
Where’s your sweater from?
Phoebe:
Old Navy.
Monica:
Shoes?
Phoebe:
New Balance.
Monica:
Should I even ask about underneath?
Phoebe:
La secreta de
Victoria, but I didn’t buy them.
Joey got me them for my birthday.
Monica:
(cringes and trembles) Didn’t have to hear that.
Phoebe:
Like I don’t know what
Monica:
(blushes, then threatens) You want to help me
decorate?
Phoebe:
Bye! (mumbles to herself) Stupid
capitalist pigs.
Monica:
The sad part is how good that “Want to help me decorate?” line works.
Scene
5: The shopping mall
(Joey
following Rachel, holding a few more bags)
Rachel:
Joey, why does the sale clerk know your name?
Joey:
I go there all the time. I’m one of the
top 20 customers.
Rachel:
Boy, oh, boy. (pause) Joey, I got a present from a
secret sender last year from there, was that…
Joey:
You’d better believe it.
Rachel:
How’d you know my size? (pause) Wait, wait, don’t tell me; don’t tell me. I’m better off not knowing for sure.
Joey:
Whatever.
Rachel:
Hey, what’s in this one? (takes a bag from the store
they were just at. (looks into it) I didn’t buy this.
(sneers at it)
Joey:
Oh, that’s from me.
Rachel:
Purple’s not my color.
Joey:
It’s for Phoebe.
Rachel:
How you know what her color is, I
don’t want to hear.
Joey:
Hey! It’s Santa. We should go sit in his lap.
Rachel:
Joey, I haven’t sat in Santa’s lap since I was twelve. (Joey gives her a look) Okay,
when I was fourteen, but I knew the guy.
He was Mark Davis and he was rich and he was shallow. Want to know how I got a horse that year?
Joey: He bought you a horse?
Rachel:
Do you know what I looked like when I was fourteen?
Joey:
Probably like a seventeen-old-old with a fourteen-year-old’s face
Rachel:
Exactly.
Joey:
(disgusted) Rach, that’s low.
Rachel:
I was spoiled back then. (looks into a display window)
Ooh, diamond necklace. I’ll have to call
Daddy later. (Joey gives her a look) Hey, I didn’t say it had completely worn off yet.
Joey:
Well, I’m going to sit in Santa’s lap. (leaves)
Rachel:
A kid at heart. The
Fonz at mind.
(COMMERCIAL
BREAK)
Scene
6: Monica’s Apartment
(Monica
is outside the big window, putting up Christmas lights, standing on the ledge
of the balcony)
Monica:
Three hundred and forty-seven down, two hundred and eleven to go. (inserts a J-hook and strings lights on it, reaches for
another when she loses her balance and falls away from the balcony; she grabs
the string of lights to stop her fall, but is left hanging to the side) Help? (swings back over to the fire escape, but the ladder lowers,
trapping her between the balcony and the fire escape) Uh-oh, this isn’t what
I’d consider a good thing. And I’ll get
so behind. (loosens her grips, but when she suddenly
slides, tightens it again) I knew I should have waited until
Scene
7: Ross’s Apartment
(Ross
clicking his mouse;
Ross:
And Mom and Dad are done. (the computer beeps) “You
have a balance of ‑$11,542 and 15 cents.
That’s not good. (clicks the mouse) What did I
order that was so expensive? (eyes widen) 300 cases of
pre-packaged goldfish food? When? 947 cases of holiday light fuses? What? 3 Jacuzzi’s? How?
Ross:
I’m recorded for having bought a lot of strange stuff.
Ross:
Oh, of course not. (looks embarrassed) Let’s see, Mia
Donald, gift not purchased. (marks on his notepad)
Scene 8: A street alley
(Phoebe
walks down the alley, holding a shopping bag, and knocks on a cardboard box)
Phoebe:
Hello? Anybody in
there?
Bum:
(meanly) I was sleeping, lady. What do
you want?
Phoebe:
Well, first off, I’d like to wish you a Merry Christmas.
Bum:
I hate Christmas.
Phoebe: Okay then, (cheerfully) Bah, Humbug.
Bum:
Go away.
Phoebe:
I will, but I brought you a sweater. (pulls out a blue
sweater from the shopping bag)
Bum:
Blue’s not my color.
Phoebe:
Okay, what it? (rummages around)
Bum:
Gold.
Phoebe: How’s yellow. (pulls out a bright yellow
sweater)
Bum:
If I take it, will you go away?
Phoebe:
After a Christmas and/or Hanukah and/or Kwanzaa song. I also take requests. I also perform free concerts at Central Perk
on every other Tuesday, plus every third night on odd months, and every second
and/or fifth night on even months, except February, where I don’t sing on
Groundhog’s Day, but I do on Valentine’s Day.
Bum:
Yeah. That’s great. How ‘bout “Silent Night”?
Phoebe:
All right. (sings) Silent night… Holy Night…
Bum:
That’s not very silent.
Phoebe:
Oh, okay. (mouths the song)
(Bum
goes to sleep)
Scene
9: Outside the window of Monica’s Apartment
(Monica
still hanging)
Monica:
Hello? Anybody? Could you help me? Please?
Scene
10: Ross’s Apartment
(Ross
and
Ross:
Thanks man. (the computer beeps again) “You have the
Happy Time Virus. Merry Christmas and
have a nice day.” “Files now being deleted.”
Ross:
Isn’t there usually a long wait?
Ross:
What? (takes the headset) The phone company cut me
off. Why?
Ross:
(grabs it and looks at it) This was sent last month!
(the lights go out)
Scene
11: The shopping mall
(Joey
in line to sit in Santa’s lap, looking very eager; Rachel with him, looking
embarrassed)
Rachel:
Joey, I can’t believe you’re going to sit in Santa’s lap.
Joey:
C’mon. If he came all the way from the
North Pole just to let kids sit in his lap, you got to seize the
opportunity. This is the first time that
I didn’t have to play him. I can’t
believe he really came this year.
Rachel:
(lowers her eyebrows, thinks, and smiles) You know
what Joey? You’re so right. This guy rides in his sleigh all the way from
the end of the earth just so he can hear what little… and big… kids want for
Christmas. (feigned idea) Maybe if we stay till after
closing time, he’ll let us ride in his sleigh.
Joey:
(amazed) Wow, you really think so?
Rachel:
I do. (smiles evilly)
Elf:
(teenage girl in elfin costume, much like the one Joey had worn; in a monotone)
Next. (Joey walks forward) Oh, well, why the hell not?
Joey:
Nice costume. I remember wearing one of
those. (smiles)
Elf:
(sarcastic smile) Whatever. (rolls
her eyes, and to herself) $5.50 an hour, $5.50 an hour.
Joey:
You are not being a very good little girl. (she holds
up a certain finger and Joey gasps) You’re a very, very naughty little girl. (puts on a smile, and walk up to Santa)
Santa:
(jolly voice) My, aren’t you a big boy. (the guy has a good costume and a realistic beard)
Joey: (shy) Thanks. I’m Joey. (sits in his lap, gingerly) I really appreciate you coming
all the way down here from the North Pole.
Santa:
Oh, it was my pleasure, Joey.
Joey:
If I come back later, will you let me ride in your sleigh?
Santa:
(discouraged) Joey, I would, but I didn’t bring the sleigh. My elves are working on it right now. I took a flight from
Joey:
Really? That’s too bad.
Santa:
Have you been a good boy?
Rachel:
(over to the side) Don’t get me started.
Joey:
Well, I’ve been good. (diverts his eyes) Does lack of
innocence count as naughty?
Santa:
It does, but that’s okay. We all make
mistakes, but at least you’re honest. I
know you’ve been a good boy.
(the clock chimes eight)
Santa:
I’m sorry, but I have to go. I’ve got to
high-tail it to LA, before I make a short trip to
Joey:
Oh, all right. Wouldn’t
want to delay you, Mr. Claus.
Santa:
My, you are such a nice boy. Listen,
Joey: (ecstatic, shaking Santa’s hand) Yes, yes! Thank you, thank you very much, Mr. Claus.
Santa:
Thank you, Joey. Have a Merry Christmas.
(he leaves)
Joey:
Wow, that was great.
He’s such a great guy.
Rachel: I know.
A
voice: Rachel Green?
Rachel:
Yes. (turns around; there is guy dressed as Santa,
obviously wearing a fake beard)
Santa
Guy: Mark Davis, remember me?
Rachel:
Oh yeah, you were that guy who got me the pony in eighth grade.
Mark:
Yeah! You want to sit in my lap?
Rachel:
No, I’m too old for that. Bye.
Mark:
(to the elf) Hey, you know if that diamond necklace in
the store over there is still there?
Rachel:
(runs back and sits in his lap) Hi, Santa.
Mark: Hi, have you been naughty or nice?
Rachel:
(pauses) Both.
Mark:
(evil smile) That okay.
Scene
13: Monica’s Apartment Window
(Monica
still hanging)
Monica:
Hello? It’s getting cold out here. I’ve been hanging for almost… (looks at her watch, but grabs on to the ledge again) thirty
minutes. (a squeaking sound is heard) Uh-oh, not a good time to lose my grip. (she
falls; a thump is heard; a feeble “ouch” is heard)
(A/N:
Yeah, I know, it’s just like when Rachel fell from the balcony; I guess I just
forgot)
Scene
14: The Alleyway
(Phoebe
leaves a lady in a cardboard box, who is holding a
sweater and waves)
Phoebe:
(approaches a large cardboard structure made from many cardboard boxes,
duct-taped together. (knocks)
A
voice from inside: Just a minute. (the sound of a
person coming down stairs is heard; a cardboard door is opened) Hello?
Phoebe:
Hi, I’m Phoebe Buffay. Are you homeless?
Man:
No, I’ve got my mansion.
Phoebe:
It’s made of cardboard.
Man:
I know, but it’s the best on the street.
Phoebe:
It’s an alleyway.
Man:
So? I have people over all the time. It’s cold; you want to come in? I’ve got a fire going. By the way, I’m Jared.
Phoebe:
Phoebe. Is it safe to have a fire in a
cardboard house?
Jarred:
Not really, but I’ve been pretty lucky so far.
You should see the garage I just built. (they
enter, we can’t see inside)
Phoebe’s voice: Do you have a car?
Jared’s
Voice: No, but I’m building one from old bicycle parts.
Phoebe:
Ah.
Jared: You want some turkey?
Phoebe:
Thanks, but how can you afford turkey?
Jared:
It’s actually pigeon, but you can’t tell the difference.
Phoebe:
Mmm, that is good. Oh, you want a
sweater? I’m giving them out to people
who need them.
Jared:
Thanks. Oh, wait here. Here’s a sweater for you. I made it myself.
Phoebe:
Thanks. This is really cool. You’re kind of the playboy for the homeless
people, right?
Jared:
Yeah, pretty much. When you’re blessed,
you’ve got to share the wealth.
Phoebe:
Exactly. That’s what I’m doing. Ooh, can I sing you a Christmas carol or
something?
Jared:
Can you do “Joy to the World”? I’ve
learned to play it on my piano by ear.
Phoebe:
You have a piano?
Jared:
Yeah, built it from scraps. It’s
impossible to tune, and it’s dead ugly, but it sounds really nice now that I’ve
fixed it up.
Phoebe:
(sings) Joy to the World…
Jared:
(joins her in a deep tenor voice, with piano-like sound in the background) The
Lord is come…
Phoebe:
(flirty) Wow, you have a nice voice. You
have a bed in here too?
Jared:
Upstairs.
Phoebe:
Okay. This thing’s two stories?
Jared:
Yeah. I had to reinforce the cardboard
several times, but it supports me.
Phoebe:
You’re really cool, for a homeless person.
Jared:
Well, you’re really cool, for a homed person.
Scene
15: Monica’s Apartment
(
Ross:
Thanks, man. Wow, Monica did a good job
of getting this apartment ready. It’s
great. A little much, but still… (the apartment is completely covered in decorations)
Ross:
That never happened.
(the door opens, and Monica comes in; the left side of her
face is bandaged, her left arm is in a sling, and there is cloth wrapped around
her left leg near the knee)
Ross:
Monica!
Monica:
(winces) Gently, gently, I’m still a bit sore.
Monica:
Well, I was outside doing the lights, and I fell…
Ross:
Three stories?
Monica:
No, just one. Landed
on Mr. Heckles old balcony.
Monica:
It’s okay.
(Phoebe
enters, her shirtsleeve is torn and her head has a Band-Aid on it)
Ross:
What happened to you?
Phoebe:
I fell through the floor of a cardboard house.
Phoebe:
I was doing the whole charity thing, passing out sweaters and singing
carols. I got to this homeless guy’s
box, but it was like a cardboard box mansion,
and he was showing me his bedroom on the second floor. It kind of caved in.
Phoebe:
Well, it was the first time there had been two people up there, and it was just
too much weight with the two of us, and his bed. (she
gets a lot of strange looks) Well, anyway.
Look what I got from him. (pulls out a sweater…
made of feathers)
Ross:
Cool.
Monica: Are those pigeon feathers?
Phoebe: Yeah.
(Monica grabs it with two fingers, throws it in the shopping bag, and then out
the door)
Phoebe: Okay then.
(Rachel and Joey enter)
Rachel: (holding the bag) Hey, someone through this sweater outside.
Phoebe: Oh, that’s mine. A guy gave it to me as a gift.
Rachel: Mind if I take this to Ralph Lauren? I think they’d like to add it to the Spring Collection.
Phoebe: Sure, but you have to give them this guy’s number. (hands her a card)
Rachel: This has a country code on it. Where’s this guy from?
Phoebe: Oh, he’s from
Rachel: Okay. Interesting.
Joey: (suddenly) Santa’s gonna give me a ride in his sleigh.
Phoebe: My gosh!
You are so lucky! You think you
could get me in the sleigh too?
Joey: Oh yeah. Santa is such a nice guy!
Phoebe: (gasp) I always knew it. My mom, rest her soul, told me was into insane commercialism, but in fact, he’d doing a big charity event.
Joey:
I’m going to go write him a thank you note.
Phoebe:
Ooh, let me come, too!
Joey:
Okay. (he goes to the kitchen)
Phoebe:
Where are you going?
Joey:
Oh, I’ll write him later. I’m getting a
snack right now.
Ross:
I’m going back to my apartment. See if I
can get my electricity back. (he turns to leave)
Rachel: I got to go, too. All the bags
are still outside my door.
(he stops and leans down to tie it)
Ross:
(looks up) No, it’s not.
Rachel:
Ross:
Yeah. After our
history and everything…
Monica:
C’mon, you’ve got to.
Phoebe:
Yeah.
Joey: Uh-huh.
Ross:
(exhales) We’re fighting a losing battle.
Rachel:
(exhales) Merry Christmas.
(Ross and Rachel kiss softly; they look up and gaze into each other’s eyes)
Rachel: (can’t hide a smile) You’re still good at
that.
Ross:
(softly) Not too bad yourself. (smiles)
(sentimental silence)
Joey:
Come on, quit hogging it! (he shoves Ross out of the
way and grabs Rachel and kisses her hard, leaning her back; when he breaks the
kiss and lets go, Rachel fall to the floor) How you doin’?
Rachel:
(rubbing her head) Okay, but my head hurts.
Phoebe:
Ooh, ooh, my turn; my turn! (runs from the kitchen and
grabs Joey in a kiss, but her momentum lands them both on the floor)
Monica:
I don’t know. Why are they? (she pulls
Monica: Merry Christmas.
(COMMERCIAL
BREAK)
Scene
16: On Top of the Building, Christmas Night
(Joey
and Phoebe standing, shivering in the middle of a snowstorm)
Joey:
What time is it?
Phoebe:
(looks at her watch) 12:37.
Joey:
Wow, he’s behind. He has to start in
Phoebe:
Why is that?
Joey:
Time’s slower in
Phoebe: Ah, that makes perfect sense.
You’re so smart.
Joey: Thanks.
Phoebe:
Is that why it seemed like forever until you guys returned back from Ross’s
wedding?
Joey:
Yeah. It seemed like we were gone a long
time from you too. (flirting) I really missed you,
Pheebs.
Phoebe:
(giggles) Okay, try putting mistletoe in my present next year. You won’t regret it. And watch those hands, Santa’s watching you.
(Joey pulls his hands away; pause) Okay, around my shoulders is good, too, ‘cause it’s really cold out here. (Joey complies and wraps
his hands around her) And don’t let them slip under the collarbone. (they both laugh)
What’s gotten into you? You’re
never this flirty with me.
Joey:
Eggnog.
Scene
17: The stairs leading to the roof
(Rachel
leading the gang running up the stairs)
Rachel:
I’m telling you. He’s not in his
room. He’s trying to get a ride from
“Santa.”
Monica:
That’s probably why Phoebe’s not in her room, either.
Ross:
(critical) Then maybe we should have told them there’s no Santa.
Monica:
I didn’t have the heart to. None of us
did. What kind of guy wrecks a person’s
belief in Santa? (looks at Ross)
Ross:
I’m sorry. I just told you that when you
were little to get you upset. I was
going to tell you later that I was kidding.
Then you went and tattled to Mom and Dad, and then we both found out about Santa not being
real.
Rachel:
Ross, you still believed in Santa when you were twelve?
Ross:
Dad did a really good job of putting
our presents out without us knowing.
Monica:
He didn’t want us to feel left out from our friends. It’s probably what got me in the
multicultural mood this season.
Monica:
I know. We’ve got to stop them.
Rachel:
What gets me is why Joey ate the cookies he left out
for Santa.
Monica:
That’s Joey. Can you imagine how long a
sub sandwich would have lasted?
Rachel:
Ten minutes, twenty-two seconds. That’s why he ended up leaving cookies
out.
Monica:
Somebody did.
(CLOSING
CREDITS)
Scene
18: The roof
(the four come out the door)
Rachel:
Joey? Phoebe? You out here?
Monica:
Joey? Pheebs?
Ross:
Hello? Guys?
Rachel:
Guys? What’s that? In front of the moon?
Ross:
Looks like a shooting star.
Joey’s
voice: (distant) Whee!
Phoebe’s
voice: (distant) Yay!
Ross:
Sounded like Joey and Pheebs.
Rachel:
They’re…
(the four look at each other, then into the distance, and
smile; Ross and
Ross:
Merry Christmas, guys.
Monica:
Merry Christmas.
Rachel:
Merry Christmas.
(the roof door opens)
Mr.
Treager: Hello? Guys, what’re doing out
here? It’s twenty below.
Rachel:
Oh, we’ll come in a second. Merry Christmas,
Mr. Treager.
Mr.
Treager: (surprised) Merry Christmas to you, too. (he
goes back inside)
(END)
A/N:
Oh, it worked. It worked so well! Do you like it? Tell me you like it. Please tell me you like it! I liked it.
Really, I did. I hope it’s a good
Christmas present.
Merry
Christmas from Godeerc VanDrey
o
_/|_
^_^
-Merry Christmas to all, and to all a good night.
###
©2001, 2002. Created Wednesday, December 19, 2001. Updated December 23, 2002.