The One Where the Mystic Returns

II. The One Where the Mystic Returns

by Creedog VanDrey

A/N: I’m back and ready to do another part. This fic will feature Godeerc’s return to give the Friends more “glimpses” of how it could have been. I really am looking forward to this one, and I hope it’s a bit funnier than my last one. If you haven’t read TOW the Mystic, read it first.

Genre: General, Fantasy

Rating: PG

Language: English

Summery: Season 7. Godeerc, the mystic, returns. This time, he arrives at Monica’s apartment. He shows the gang how things would have turned out if more of the past had been changed.

Scene 1: Monica’s Apartment, 2001

(Everyone except Joey sitting on the couch, etc.)

Chandler: You know what? I’m getting married soon.

Monica: See! Chandler says it too.

Ross: Yeah, but he doesn’t show off his ring.

Monica: It’s not as pretty as mine. (Chandler looks at her) What?

Phoebe: Did you know that Dick Clark is still alive?

Rachel: Phoebe, did you not see him on TV at New Year’s last year?

Phoebe: Oh, that was him? He’s fine. (Rachel groans) I didn’t know he was a pop singer.

Rachel: Phoebe, Sweetie, I think that was *N Sync. Dick Clark was the gray-haired guy who hosted it.

Phoebe: Oh. (thinks, then smiles) Oh, so it’s that guy. Yeah, baby.

Rachel: I give up.

(a knock at the door; Monica answers it; it is a figure robed in dark blue)

Monica: Godeerc. You came back. Why?

Godeerc: My contract is for more than one visit. Now that you’re all back together, I came over.

Monica: Actually, Joey’s not...

Joey: (coming in) Hey, Monica, you got any chips? (see Godeerc) Hey, the glimpsing dude. How’s it going?

Godeerc: Pretty well.

Joey: So, chips…?

(OPENING CREDITS)

Scene 2: Monica’s Apartment, 2001

(the six plus Godeerc; directly following the previous scene)

Monica: Come, sit down.

Rachel: Hey, Godeerc, is it? I’ve got one question. How do you know all this stuff about us?

Godeerc: Well, I could tell you, but only Miss Buffay and probably Mr. Tribianni would believe me. Dr. Geller definitely wouldn’t. It’s that I have a telepathic connect with higher, ethereal powers. It’s like I’m psychic. (Phoebe and Joey nod; Ross rolls his eyes) But I’ll tell you instead that I’m a freelance government agent. The whole “glimpsing” thing is a hypnotic state induced by hallucinogenic chemical I release into the air. I know so much about you from reading ten-page computerized profile reports on you from the government.

Chandler: Yeah. Ten pages?

Godeerc: Well, Ross’s is twelve pages because of the extra about all his marriages. (Ross leans back into the couch, dejected.) We have a separate disk for all Joey’s love interests. (Joey beams) You have no idea what a mess you cause at the Bureau trying to keep track of your actions.

Phoebe: Oh, so can you do your thing again?

Godeerc: Well, the physical representation probably won’t manifest… happen; I’m using big words, I apologize… because of low psionic energy in the metaphysical plain… I couldn’t clarify if I tried… but I’ll be able to do the glimpses, no problem.

Rachel: Ross, you want to start again?

Ross: Sure. (thinks) What if I… had offered to take Rachel to the prom before Chip got there?

Godeerc: Done.

Scene 3: Outside Chip Matthew’s House, Prom Night 1988

(Chip leaving)

Chip: Well, time to make my appearance to Rachel tonight. She’s is so mine tonight. Let’s see, the Gellers’ address. (looks at a sheet of paper) Got it. (approaches his car; where an older-teenage Godeerc is standing, looking at it)

Godeerc: Nice car.

Chip: Thanks, man. You go to Lincoln High? You’d know me.

Godeerc: I do. And I do. Taking Rachel Green to the prom, are you?

Chip: Yep, I’m about to go get her. I’m a bit fashionable late, but hey, aren’t I worth waiting for?

Godeerc: Whatever. Well, I’ll let you go... before Rachel thinks you stood her up.

Chip: Yeah, well, see you, man. (once in the car) Strange guy, robes and all. (drives off)

Scene 4: The Geller House, 1988

(Ross coming down the stairs with Jack)

Jack: Ready or not, Rachel, your Prince Charming is coming.

Rachel: Mr. Geller, what are you talking about? Ross, what are you doing in a tuxedo?

Ross: Rach, if Chip really is jerk enough to stand you up, I’m willing to take you to the prom. You don’t deserve to go alone, or not at all.

Rachel: (laughs; then stop when she sees Ross breaking down) Oh, no, you’re serious. No, Ross. I thought you were joking. (Ross runs upstairs; to Monica) Should I go after him? That was really nice of him. (groans)

Monica: You’d better. (a knock at the door; she answers it; it’s Chip)

Chip: Hey, uh, sorry, what’s your name?

Monica: Monica.

Chip: Monica, yeah. Rach is here, right?

Rachel: Yeah, right here, Chip.

Chip: Ready to go? We’re a bit late.

Monica: Talk to Ross tomorrow. He’ll have cooled down by then.

Rachel: All right. Let’s go.

Scene 5: Monica’s Apartment, 2001

(the group coming out of the trance)

Ross: Nothing really changed.

Godeerc: Oh, but it did.

Scene 6: Central Perk, 1994

(Ross sitting on one of the chair, Monica sitting on the couch; Joey in the other chair)

Ross: (lazy) Hey, waitress, can I get some more coffee? Irish Regular again.

Waitress: Yes, sir.

Monica: That’s your fourth cup. You need to be going out looking for a job.

Ross: Aw, why? It’s not like I need money.

Monica: You have none!

Ross: Nuh-uh. (pulls out a wad of cash)

Monica: Phoebe gave that to you.

Ross: She’s nice.

Monica: She’s rich.

Phoebe: (entering; wearing a business suit, on the phone) Yes. I get it. Sell, you idiot. Now! You hear me? NOW!!! (hangs up; suddenly sweet) Hey, guys.

Joey: (gets up and acts dramatically to Phoebe) But soft! What light through yonder window breaks? It is the east and Phoebe is the sun.

Phoebe: Very nice, Joey. I’ll see you tonight.

Joey: All right.

Phoebe: (turns to leave) Oh, Ross, you need some money?

Ross: Nah. I got plenty.

Monica: Phoebe, you shouldn’t do that.

Phoebe: What?

Monica: Give him money. He needs to get a job.

Phoebe: It’s seed money.

Monica: Whatever.

(Phoebe leaves as Chandler enters)

Chandler: Hey, guys. Today’s Wednesday, right? That means I go to the office.

Monica: Yes, Chandler. Not to the New Yorker. Not your silly humor columns.

Chandler: Hey! The world loves my humor columns! And my music.

Monica: Then why do you only play here?

Chandler: It’s a good crowd. Besides I’m too busy with three jobs and cleaning my room to travel.

Monica: Your room’s clean?

Chandler: Yes, I’m fulfilling the whole roommate promise. It’s clean enough for you to dust and stuff.

Monica: All right. Go to work.

Chandler: I don’t know how I keep up with three jobs.

Monica: With my help. It’s your timeline for this week. (hands him a sheet of paper)

Chandler: Thanks, Mon, you’re the greatest.

Monica: I know. Tell me about it.

Chandler: See you.

Joey: He didn’t tell you about it.

Monica: I know!

(Ross has since passed out in his chair; Rachel enters in a wet wedding dress)

Monica: Rachel?

Rachel: Monica, I’m so glad to see you.

Monica: Me too. What’s going on? Or should I wait for the wet bridesmaids?

Rachel: No, I just ran out on my wedding with Barry Farble.

Monica: That loser orthodontist that you dated in college?

Rachel: He looks like Mr. Potato Head.

Monica: No kidding. But, uh, can we finish this conversation later. Ross is here.

Rachel: He’s here? (looks around)

Monica: In the chair.

Rachel: What’s wrong?

Monica: He had four Irish coffees this morning.

Rachel: Why isn’t he at work?

Monica: He’s unemployed.

Rachel: I thought he was a paleontologist or something.

Monica: He was going to be, and then he quit college.

Rachel: Tell me it wasn’t because of me.

Monica: I don’t know, but you still should have talked to him the next day.

Rachel: Sorry, but my dad took us to the horse ranch that next morning, and I didn’t have time. He’s not going to be happy to see me, is he?

Monica: I don’t know.

Ross: (starts to wake up) Monica, who you talking to? Hey! It’s a bride! Who is it?

Rachel: Ross? (unsure) Hey…

Ross: Rachel... Rachel Green. (drunk) Laughing Rachel Green. Ray-Ray the Hyena.

Rachel: I’m sorry, Ross. I wanted to talk to you about it, but then Chip came.

Ross: That’s okay. Chip’s much more important than Ross.

Rachel: No, he’s not, but I was busy.

Ross: I’m busy too. I’m busy with my job. See? (brings out the wad of money)

Rachel: (to Monica) I thought you said he was unemployed.

Monica: My old roommate works for Merrill Lynch. She’s quite charitable.

Rachel: You’re telling me. You wouldn’t happen to have a spare room, would you?

Monica: No, I don’t. I’ve got a roommate.

Rachel: Really? What’s she like?

Monica: It’s a guy. (Rachel gives her a look) It’s not like that. He sleeps in the spare room. He’s a data processor and a humor writer and a musician.

Rachel: A musician?

Monica: He sucks big time. But we still cheer him on.

Rachel: Oh.

Ross: Ross has an extra room.

Rachel: Okay, but are you going to let me room with you?

Ross: No.

Rachel: Why did I have to be such a...

Ross: I hate you.

Rachel: I know, I hate me, too.

(COMMERCIAL BREAK)

Scene 7: Monica’s Apartment, 2001

(the group comes out again)

Rachel: Wow, that’s awful.

Phoebe: You kidding? I was rich!

Chandler: Why was I rooming with Monica?

Godeerc: Joey, a famous stage actor, had his own apartment.

Chandler: And had three jobs.

Godeerc: Yeah…

Phoebe: I didn’t sing?

Godeerc: Didn’t need to. It’s a hobby, but you didn’t perform.

Phoebe: I guess that’s okay, but you missed out on me. Instead, you have Chandler who is no good, but you pretend to like.

(assorted half-hearted affirmations)

Joey: And I dated Phoebe?

Godeerc: On and off. I don’t know how it ends up.

Ross: I don’t know what to say.

Rachel: I’m sorry, Ross. I can’t believe I did that to you. Why couldn’t I have went up and talked to him?

Godeerc: Why couldn’t have you? I’ll delay Chip a few more minutes.

Scene 8: The Geller House

(Rachel has just laughed at Ross)

Rachel: Ross, no, I’m sorry. I thought you were joking. (to Monica) Should I go after him?

Monica: You’d better.

Scene 9: Ross’s Bedroom, 1988

(Rachel enters to an almost weeping Ross)

Rachel: Ross?

Ross: Rachel?

Rachel: (sits down on his bed) Ross, I’m really sorry about laughing. I almost thought you were joking. Were you really going to take me to my prom at the last minute?

Ross: I guess so.

Rachel: (drops her shoulders) My gosh. That’s so sweet. It’s just… you’re so… dorky. (Ross raises his shoulders in consent) And, it’s not like I don’t appreciate the gesture, but… (kisses him on the cheek) I’ll tell you what, give Chip ten more minutes. If he doesn’t show up, will you take me to the prom?

Ross: Really?

Rachel: Really. In retrospect, the loss of popularity won’t matter. It’s only for a month, and I’ll regain it in college.

Ross: That’s really mature.

Rachel: Yeah. It doesn’t feel as fun as I expected. So, not going to the prom is probably worse than going with a dork. No offense.

Ross: None taken. If anyone asks, you can tell them that I’m a college student and that I’m in a band. That’s worth something, right?

Rachel: It is, I have to admit. So, (checks watch) six minutes and counting… offer still stands?

Ross: (smiles) Absolutely. (they hug)

Scene 10: Central Perk, 1994

(Ross and Rachel on the couch; Joey in the chair, Chandler in the other)

Chandler: What’s today?

Rachel: It’s Wednesday.

Chandler: Happy Anniversary. (Ross gasps)

Rachel: Ross, it’s not our anniversary.

Ross: Oh, good.

Chandler: Should I be at work?

Joey: You were fired, man. Send that dumb résumé to the New Yorker.

Chandler: I did. They loved it. They think I’m the funniest Anti-Transcendentalist they’ve ever read.

Joey: Then why didn’t you take the job?

Chandler: I did. I’m supposed to start today.

Ross: Then why aren’t you at work?

Chandler: No reason. You’re not at work.

Ross: Museum doesn’t open till ten. The magazine publishing warehouse opens at eight. You’re late.

Chandler: Well, dang it. I’d better get going. (doesn’t get up)

Rachel: The things I do. (pulls him up and pushes him toward the door)

(Phoebe enters)

Joey: Hey, Pheebs, (in his “How you doin’?” tone) Will you marry me?

Phoebe: No, Joey. I won’t.

Joey: (sad) Never?

Phoebe: No, not never. Just not before we’ve started dating.

Joey: Will you marry me?

Phoebe: That’s a terrible pick up line.

Joey: Nuh-uh. (to some lady) Will you marry me? (she gets up and promptly leaves)

Phoebe: I’ll help you work on it?

Joey: Thanks, Pheebs. Will you marry me, too?

Phoebe: (runs her fingers through her hair) No!

(Monica enters in a wet wedding dress)

Rachel: Monica!

Ross: Mon! Are you getting married? Why didn’t I find out?

Monica: I’m not. Bobby tried to get me to elope with him.

Ross: Why?

Monica: I think he was drunk.

Ross: Isn’t he always drunk?

Monica: That’s what I found out when I saw him with a martini at the altar!

Rachel: Oh.

Monica: Does anybody have a spare room?

(Joey enthusiastically raises his hand)

Phoebe: What about Chandler?

Joey: Aw, he has a job. He can pay the rent by himself.

Phoebe: He does pay the rent by himself.

Joey: Oh yeah. Monica, can’t let you room with me if you don’t have money.

Monica: I’m a chef.

Joey: All right. (nods and smiles)

Ross: Joe, this is my little sister. Down, boy. Rach, we can let her crash in the guest room for awhile, can’t we?

Rachel: Sure.

Joey: If she can sleep through the noise. (Ross and Rachel sneer) Hey, I live across the hall, and I need earplugs.

(COMMERCIAL BREAK)

Scene 11: Monica’s Apartment, Present

(they all come out of the trance)

Joey: You know, I’m so not used to that.

Chandler: What was with me?

Godeerc: After your best friend got married, right out of college, you were a bit jealous, and a lot of your ambition kind of faded away. But luckily, the pessimistic ideas made great articles.

Ross: Me and Rachel were married?

Godeerc: Chip never came. Apparently, he went to the house of a certain Alice O’Brien.

Rachel: Uh, I always thought he was cheating on me with her. So how’d we end up married?

Godeerc: You guys dated on and off, mostly on, since that next summer. The second Rachel got out of college, you two were married. A bit of a fancy wedding. (Rachel giggles with glee)

Ross: Wait, if we were just meeting Monica, who lives in her apartment?

Godeerc: You guys.

Ross: Yes! (fists his hand in victory) What? We had the cool apartment!

Chandler: And I live with Joey? What about Kip? If Monica didn’t live across the hall, why did Kip leave?

Godeerc: You’re getting the hang of this. Kip fell in love and got married and lives in another part of the Village. You still hang out on occasion.

Monica: And I’m the one ending up leaving a guy at the altar? Why can’t I be married, too?

Phoebe: Yeah, I want to leave a guy at the altar this time. (the others look at her) Hey, Rachel did it. And so did Monica!

Monica: Not in real life.

Phoebe: Oh, yeah.

Godeerc: You want to end up married? To Chandler?

Monica: Can you do that?

Godeerc: (exhales) I may be able to pull it off. It’ll be tricky.

Phoebe: Can I leave a guy at the altar?

Godeerc: (gives her a look, then smiles) Okay, I can do that. (epiphany) I’m a genius. This’ll be great.

Scene 12: The Geller House, Thanksgiving 1989

(Jack, Judy, Monica, and Rachel preparing Thanksgiving; a knock at the door)

Monica: It’s Ross!

Rachel: Yay!

Monica: It’s been two days since you’ve seen him.

Rachel: Two days too long. (Monica opens the door; Ross and Chandler enter; Monica frowns; Rachel smiles)

Ross: Hey. (he and Rachel kiss)

Chandler: Hi, Monica, how are you?

Monica: I’m pretty good. Is there something on my dress? (twirls)

Chandler: Oh, wow, you’re... you’re skinny.

Monica: (hard) Thanks.

Chandler: I’m sorry. You just look really great.

Monica: (suddenly flirtatious) You want macaroni again?

Chandler: Would you? Thanks. I think I’ll puke if I ever try eat turkey again.

Monica: In the kitchen. We’ll let those two do their thing. (Ross and Rachel are lip-locked)

Scene 13: Geller Kitchen, 1989

(directly following Scene 12; Monica and Chandler enter the kitchen)

Monica: You know, this knife makes me really hot. (rubs it against herself)

Chandler: Monica, are you feeling all right?

(a ring at the door; Monica puts down the knife)

Monica: Ross probably isn’t going to get it. (he and Rachel continue to make out)

Chandler: You know they’re going to pass out soon.

Monica: (laughs) Yeah. (answers the door, revealing college-aged Godeerc) Are you here to tell me about me going to Hell if I don’t believe what your church does?

Godeerc: The Presbyterian Church? No, we just believe in personal salvation.

Monica: Oh, sorry. What did you need?

Godeerc: Is Chandler Bing here?

Chandler: Yeah, that’s me.

Godeerc: Hey, this is from Jake. It’s your CS 102 notes.

Chandler: Thanks.

Godeerc: This is the Gellers’ house?

Chandler: Yeah.

Godeerc: Where’s Monica?

Monica: Right here!

Chandler: This is Monica. She lost a bunch of weight. She’s beautiful now.

Godeerc: Oh, dreadfully sorry. Chandler here is a joker, and he, uh… whoops.

Chandler: Dude!

Monica: He tells jokes about me?

Chandler: One. I did once. And I’m really sorry about it. It’s this defense mechanism thing, according to the therapist. It’s not about you. Especially now that you’re all beautiful and everything. And I don’t know what I can do to make it up, because you’re a great person. I know you kinda had a thing for me last year, and if there’s any of that left, I’d appreciate it if you could… tap into it… and find it within your beautiful (looks at her chest; then diverts his eyes) heart to forgive me, because, jumping about fifty levels of maturity, you’re a good-natured person, and backing down to the shallow level, a totally hot babe. Don’t tell Ross or your Dad I said that, please. Will you forgive me.

Monica: (in awe) Maybe. (moves closer to him, staring in his eyes)

Godeerc: (clears his throat) Well, I’ve definitely overstayed my welcome. Good-bye.

(he leaves; Chandler and Monica are looking into each others eyes; in the background, Ross and Rachel are still sucking face when they collapse)

Scene 14: Central Perk, 1994

(Ross and Rachel on the couch; Monica sitting in Chandler’s lap on the love seat)

(Phoebe enters in a wet wedding dress)

Phoebe: I couldn’t marry him. I just couldn’t.

(Joey enters in a wet tuxedo)

Joey: I couldn’t marry her. I just couldn’t. Phoebe?

Phoebe: Joey?

Rachel: You guys tried to get married?

Phoebe: You guys did.

Monica: So, you’re just trying to catch up with us?

Phoebe: Well, I can’t, with you pregnant and all.

Chandler: (scared) What?

Monica: She’s just freaking you out. (Phoebe snickers)

Ross: Guys, try falling in love first.

Joey: We did. But being friends made it kind of hard.

Ross: Me and Rachel were friends. We hadn’t been good friends in awhile, but we still said hi when we saw each other.

Rachel: Actually, you said hi, and I ignored you, and that was my way of saying hi to you.

Ross: Oh yeah. Then, the whole me taking her to prom thing.

Joey: But what about you and Monica?

Chandler: I liked her.

Monica: I liked you, but right before we fell in love, I hated you.

Chandler: Oh yeah. Then I fixed things. (smiles)

Ross: Maybe it’s a matter of falling in love with your sibling’s best friend.

Joey: I’ve got seven! Which one’s best friend?

Chandler: He’s got a point.

The other three: (tilt their heads in thought) Yeah.

Phoebe: And I try to steer clear of any of Ursula’s friends.

Chandler: She’s got a point.

The other three: (tilt their heads in thought) Yeah.

Joey: So, what am I supposed to do? You guys are all married. Me and Phoebe ain’t.

Ross: Joe, it’s...

Joey: Don’t you dare tell me it’s, “isn’t.”

Ross: No, it’s...

Joey: Don’t start with me. I know Kung-Fu.

Ross: I know Kuh-Rah-Tay. (poses) H’wyah!

Joey: (looks down his nose) Uh-huh. Pheebs?

Phoebe: You’d cream him. (Joey beams)

Ross: She’d cream you.

Joey: (looks at Phoebe, who nods) She would. But, hey, at least my wife is buff.

Chandler: I thought she was Buffay. (beat) Yeah, it sucked.

Ross: And she’s not your wife.

Phoebe: Yeah, we should have pretended to be married.

Joey: We should have. Then they’d want to see the rings.

Phoebe: Do we get those back?

Joey: I hope so. I paid 25 cents for that baby.

Phoebe: Didn’t my engagement ring cost that too?

Joey: Yeah. (looks at Phoebe’s gum ball machine ring) She’s a beaut, ain’t she?

Phoebe: (smiling) Yeah. I get to keep it, right?

Joey: I guess. You’re the psychic. Are we going to get married?

Phoebe: (thinks) Yeah.

Joey: Then by all means, keep it.

Chandler: How we end up with him across the hall?

Ross: At least you don’t live next door to him.

Rachel: We had to get earplugs.

Joey: Not like there wasn’t a time when I needed earplugs.

Rachel: We’ll give that one to him.

Scene 15: Monica’s Apartment, 2001

(they wake up from the trance)

Chandler: Wow. That was strange. I don’t know about you, but I’ve had enough glimpsing for one day.

Monica: Me too.

Ross: We live next door?

Godeerc: Ugly Naked Guy is still in his apartment. You get it the same way as last time.

Ross: (blushes) Oh.

Godeerc: Both of you.

Rachel: Ohhhhhhhh. (smiles) Bet that one worked.

Godeerc: He charged your half of what he charged Ross in real life.

(assorted laughing)

Ross: C’mon, Hon, let’s go home.

Rachel: Wait, are we married?

Godeerc: Not legally. As you found out last time, the glimpses aren’t permanent. Sorry for not telling you, but it’s part of the procedure not to tell you the first time.

Ross: Whoops. Well, Rachel, it was nice being married to you again for another hour. We’re setting all sorts of records.

Chandler: I’m going to bed. I’ve got a big day tomorrow. (to Godeerc) I do have a big day tomorrow, don’t I?

Godeerc: Yes, you work as a data processor.

Chandler: Good. And I’m not married, right?

Godeerc: Engaged.

Chandler: Oh, yeah. To Monica, right? This glimpsing hard on the memory, isn’t it?

Joey: Bye, Phoebe. (they kiss)

Godeerc: Not dating.

Joey: Whoops.

Phoebe: Yeah, double whoops.

(COMMERCIAL BREAK)

(CLOSING CREDITS)

Scene 16: Central Perk, 2001

(the six sitting on the couches)

(Gunther runs into the coffeehouse in a wet wedding dress)

Gunther: I couldn’t do it. I just couldn’t marry him.

Rachel: Godeerc?

Phoebe: Those darn freelance government agents. You never know what they’re going to do next.

(END)

A/N: Yes! Oh, this came together really well. I so enjoy doing this? Honestly, what do you think? Was if funny? Really? Better than the first one? Am I using too many question marks? (There’s another one.)

Next on my agenda is part 2 of the One With the Mental Chess Game. It’s going to be called The One With the Wedding Guest. I’m going to add another characters. (Yes, in addition to the ones I already added) This one centers around Christopher (Creedogmon: Hi!) and Halley’s approaching wedding and the preparations for it. I think it will turn out quite nice. I’m not sure when it will be out, maybe today, but don’t be surprised if it’s not out till next week.

For now, so long. Happy Reading. Enter the smiley guy.

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(^_^) – Hmm, this robe is comfy. And drafty, if you catch my… drift! Eh, eh?

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