The One With the School Play

by Godeerc VanDrey

Category: Friends

Genre: Humor, General

Rating: PG

Language: English

Summary: All sorts of chaos (and I mean all sorts) plague the school.

A/N: Okay, I’m back on track. And with more planned that ever. I resisted inventing new fics so I wouldn’t feel too behind, but I did. It needs some more brainstorming, but it promises to be a good one. Anyway, this is the third part of the High School Days Series. This one focuses on Halley and Christopher. (C: The ex-Creedogmon partner of Godeerc VanDrey would like to inform all readers that he did not put these two characters together. Especially because he is one of them. Halley, or anyone who know about Halley’s alter ego (a.k.a. the real Halley), Creedog did not think up that, but did a lot of the humor involved. Thank you.) Anyway, I think this one could turn out okay. Since I only do two characters at a time, the plot switches back and forth, but I think everything comes out all right in the end.

Scene 1: A School Auditorium

(Halley, teenage, a group of other students, and the play director)

Mr. Carnegie: (comical French accent) Okay, peoples, it’s time to begin. Now!

(the students abruptly get into place)

Mr. Carnegie: Okay, begin!

Halley: (a girl of normal stature, long and dark brown hair, and a darling face) (in a horribly cute British accent) But, Sir Matthew, my dear brother, what am I to do whilst thou art off at battle?

“Sir Matthew”: My dear sister, do not… fret for me.

(C: Excuse me, “darling face?”)

(GV: Shh. I didn’t know how else to describe it. Back to the fic.)

Mr. Carnegie: Cut, cut, cut! “Fret,” Mr. Norwood?

“Sir Matthew”: Sorry, I forgot my line. I got it now.

Mr. Carnegie: Proceed. (waves his hand)

Halley: But, Sir Matthew, my dear brother, what am I to do whilst thou art off at battle?

“Sir Matthew”: Beats me.

(OPENING CREDITS)

(COMMERCIAL BREAK)

Scene 2: The Schoolyard

(Christopher talking with friends)

Phillip: (walks up in a heavy coat) Hey, guys.

Christopher: Hey, Phillip. What’s with the coat? It’s not that cold.

James: It’s frozen. We couldn’t break it off with a hammer.

Eric: (a crazy kid) Fear not, young Phillip. I shall get that zipper of you. Bunzai! (pulls out a metal ruler, and runs towards Phillip, ruler in the air like a sword, and swings it at Phillip)

(the ice over the zipper breaks off)

Phillip: Thanks, Eric.

Eric: No, problem. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I have the world to save. (runs off)

Phillip: (unzips his coat) Whoo, that’s better.

Pierce: Dude, Phillip, you stink!

Phillip: I haven’t been able to take a shower!

Sean: (throws him a deodorant stick) Use it.

Scene 3: The Auditorium

(Mr. Carnegie is inspecting the stage)

Mr. Carnegie: Very nice. That balcony is strong. Nice castle. (knocks on it) Very sturdy. Now… (the castle falls over him, and his body goes through a window hole) Fix that.

Scene 4: A Computer Class

(Christopher, a room of students, and a teacher, Mr. Artintel)

(A/N: Okay, I know it’s like 1986 or something, but let’s just pretend)

Mr. Artintel: How are your programs coming along?

Christopher: I’ve finished mine.

Mr. Artintel: That was quick, Mr. VanDrey. Hook it up to the monitor, and we’ll see how it is.

(Christopher’s comes on to the screen)

Class: Ooh.

Mr. Artintel: It’s very pretty, are you sure you’ve had enough time to complete it?

Christopher: I think so. I haven’t debugged it yet, but we can give it a try.

Mr. Artintel: Okay. Train A is going 67 miles per hour from San Francisco at 8:00 AM, and Train B is going from New York City at 88 miles per hour at 9:30 PM. When and where will they meet if they are traveling at each other? (puts everything in his program)

Christopher: (his screen comes up with a map of the US and two train pictures scoot along the screen toward each other, in a few seconds, the meet, and a set of numbers come up.

Christopher: 3:37 PM, Central Time Zone, at a town called Norman, just south of Chicago.

Mr. Artintel: What are the coordinates?

(Christopher tells him)

Mr. Artintel: Those are a bit off. And your time’s very wrong.

Christopher: Well, did you want them to start in the same time zone?

Mr. Artintel: Mine did.

Christopher: (clicks some buttons) Now?

Mr. Artintel: (reads the screen) A bit off. You shouldn’t have spent so much time on graphics.

Christopher: Wait, are these following straight paths, ‘cause mine are following major railroads.

Mr. Artintel: How’d you do that?

Christopher: Uh, it links into a public military system with all the railroads. I mean, they take the most direct route possible. Maybe.

Mr. Artintel: How long have you been working on this?

Christopher: Same time as everyone else. All week.

Mr. Artintel: I’ve been improving my program for three years. Let me try to do some of your stuff, and see if it all works out. (goes to his program)

Christopher: (still standing) Okay…

Scene 5: The Band Room

(the drum majors standing with the director)

Mr. Cord: Okay, your swords came in. Be careful with them, okay? I got to get to a meeting.

(they take the swords; Mr. Cord leaves)

Patrick: (red-haired, tall) An garde! (sticks out his sword)

Marda: Touché. (sticks out hers)

(A/N: See “The One With the Kitty” for more of Marda)

Adrienne: Oh, brother.

(Marda and Patrick fence for a minute, semi-skilled)

(Adrienne, cuts in, launching both their swords into the air, and briefly poking both)

Adrienne: It helps the watch the movie a few times, Zorro and Zorra.

Patrick: Well, well thank you, Zorrita.

Adrienne: Hey. (pokes him again; Marda throws him a sword, which he used to defect Adrienne’s; she assumes fighting position, and lunges against the other two, now armed)

Scene 6: The Auditorium

(Mr. Carnegie, stressed, speaking with the actors)

Mr. Carnegie: Now, you guys promised me you’d have your lines. Mr. Lawrence, what do you say after you slay the dragon?

Mr. Lawrence: Who da man?

Mr. Carnegie: No, you say, “I claim victory, you menial demon.” Mr. Terry, what do you say in response to, “But my love is not for the taking.”

Mr. Terry: Hey, babe, no problem. I’m sure Demi Moore is looking for a honey.

(^_^ - “Honey” is not a colloquial in the mid-1980s)

Mr. Carnegie: I’m going to pretend I did not even hear that. Miss DeMallora, “Stay I here, and I will die without glory.”

Halley: “But by glory’s name is not how thee dies, but how thee lives one’s life.”

Mr. Carnegie: (inhales) Well, yeah, that’s right. Good for you. But it is not just me and Miss DeMallora here that have to perform the play. It’s all of you. Let’s hope you have enough initiative to save yourselves, ‘cause I sure won’t.

Scene 7: The Computer Classroom

(the students messing around, minus Christopher and few others, Mr. Artintel at his computer, furiously programming)

Christopher: (chatting; on screen) Cvandrey: Hey, what’s going on?

BongBong66: (on screen) not much. Just listening to the teach in comp class

Cvandrey: Really? I outdid ours and now, the class is going crazy.

BongBong66: Lucky you. Madison High’s teachers are boooooring.

Cvandrey: Who said the ones at Lincoln weren’t?

BongBong66: Haha. Ours are so boring, a poll by student council said the easiest class to stay awake in was study hall, not that they did.

Cvandrey: Ours is worse. For every 3 times a water fountain breaks and the janitor has to clean it up, there are 11 times he has to clean up drool from sleeping students. Once the entire math floor was flooded with a centimeter of spit.

BongBong66: Your making that up!

(A/N: Any grammar mistakes in this section are intentional. This is IM-ing for goodness sake! Well, something like IM-ing.)

Cvandrey: Of course.

BongBong66: So, that your game? Our athletic program is so hard, we lose all our games because of athletic injuries caused weeks before the game!

Cvandrey: Ours is so hard, the football field had to be sprayed because of the sweat smell

Cvandrey: Twice.

BongBong66: Our acting program is so lousy, we have to use the same set every play we do, and we didn’t even make it!

Cvandrey: The thespian award was given last year to the preschool that put on their performance of “Barney.” And half the kids got sick on stage.

BongBong66: Our discipline problems are so bad, we have a police officer stationed at every room.

Cvandrey: We have one at every corner.

Cvandrey: And the entire basement floor is filled with jail cells

Cvandrey: And there always full

Cvandrey: And that only represents 16.5% of the arrests at school

Cvandrey: Not counting north campus.

BongBong66: Our school song is a funeral march

Cvandrey: Our mascot is routinely beaten up

Cvandrey: by teachers

BongBong66: The principal doesn’t come to any games or dances

Cvandrey: We’ve had three principals this year. I haven’t seen him once

BongBong66: Our last one joined a monastery.

Cvandrey: Our teacher turnover period is six days.

BongBong66: The most popular sport is drinking

Cvandrey: We have a hermaphrodite!

(long pause)

BongBong66: That’s bad.

(a student jumps off his desk and nose dives into the trash can; Mr. Artintel doesn’t notice)

Scene 8: The Chemistry Lab

(an explosion rips the door out)

(Rachel, with a big nose, walks out, face blackened)

Monica (fat): (walks out in similar condition) Why am I always your partner?

(COMMERCIAL BREAK)

Scene 9: The Auditorium

(Mr. Carnegie on stage)

Mr. Carnegie: Now, I have done this play eleven times in my life. Let me show you (dramatic) inspiration! (British accent) For once upon this dreary day in a land far away, there were a brother and sister two, and one who dreamt to slay…

(dumbfounded class)

(time lapse)

Mr. Carnegie: (a little too into it; falsetto voice) No, my brother, thou shalt not. For the kingdom will soon be in thy hands, and thy hand must still be here.

(jumps to the side, and puts on a helmet)

Mr. Carnegie: (masculine voice) But dearest Elizabeth, I beg of thee. Seek not to understand my desires, but only those thyself. And with thy own desires, thy can be great at what’s thy does. And without thy strength alone, by doom will prevail.

(dumbfounded class, who apparently have not moved)

Scene 10: The Computer Lab

(the classroom is an outright party)

(Mr. Artintel is still typing away)

Christopher: (oblivious to the chaos) Okay, reset parameters… go to label X39, and repeat until text string AK110 is at length KATP… wait, until text string AK110 is more than or at length KATP… And how to get it to reset parameters only if program “DrawPlace” has a matched Y variable. (types)

(Christopher ducks as a paper airplane flies over his head)

(two kids get into a fight; one of them punches the other, but his next fist hits the wall)

(a trash can is thrown across the room, knocking over several chairs)

Scene 11: The Gym

(A male coach teaching girls’ basketball)

Kelsey: (shoots, but misses) Dang.

Coach Hart: Kelz, let me help you with that. (puts his arms around her arms) Okay, one hand in front, the other on the bottom, and spins with your left hand as your jump.

Kelsey: Thanks, but get off me.

Coach Hart: Sure. (walks off; to two girls with their hair in buns) Hey, girl, nice buns. (squeezes the buns)

Sara: Funny, Coach.

Leah: Just don’t follow us into the locker room again.

(time lapse)

(Kelsey shoots and misses)

Coach Hart: Need more help? (a ball comes flying and hits his groin) Okay, I’ll take that as a “no.”

Scene 12: The Auditorium

(Mr. Carnegie is on the floor, sweating)

Halley: It’s gonna be okay, Mr. Carnegie. Just calm down. (puts a wet cloth on his head) The play will be fine.

Mr. Carnegie: But, they don’t know their lines. The set is falling apart.

Halley: Not that bad.

(a tower setting falls and hits the ground)

Halley: Well, not super badly.

(the castle falls over again, and the dragon falls from the catwalk)

Halley: Could somebody learn to tie better knots?

Boy: Could you be any more jinxing?

Halley: (to the boy) Who are you? You’re not in the play. Do you even go to this school?

Boy: No, I’m just looking for the computer lab.

Halley: Down the hall and to left. Up the stairs. It’ll be on your right.

Boy: Thanks. (leaves)

(the bell rings)

(the boy is run over by escaping students)

Scene 13: The Computer Lab

(Christopher is still programming; two people are making out beside him in chairs)

Christopher: (to the couple) Could you do that somewhere else?

(they don’t respond)

Christopher: (rolls his eyes) Okay. (pushes them across the room in their rolling chairs)

Scene 14: The Chemistry Lab

(another explosion)

(Rachel walks out again, blackened)

Rachel: You know; this could happen to anybody.

Monica: (also toasty) I’ll never learn.

(A/N: Okay, am I coming off as a little bit desperate for material? Wow, it’s that apparent?)

Scene 15: The Band Room

(Mr. Carnegie enters to the three drum majors still fencing it out)

(they stop)

Mr. Carnegie: So that’s where the fencing swords went.

Patrick: What? Mr. Cord said he got them from the athletic department.

Mr. Carnegie: Oh, I got them from the athletic department.

Patrick: Oh, (pauses) So when you guys did the Three Musketeers, that blood wasn’t a joke shop packet, was it?

Mr. Carnegie: That’ll just be our little secret. (begs) Please still work the lights for me tonight.

Patrick: You got it. (though he looks a little green, and a lot scared)

Scene 16: The Chemistry Lab

(another explosion)

(Monica walks out blackened)

Monica: Sorry about that, James.

(James walks out, a bit blackened, and on crutches; See Chapter 1: The One With the Wrecked Grade Curves)

Monica: You don’t hate me, do you?

James: (sighs) No, but please forgive me for sporadically avoiding you.

Monica: Oh, I understand completely.

(a very large explosion)

(Rachel runs out on fire)

Matt: Hehe. Guess who overloaded the sodium?

James: You set her on fire? That’s not good. (trying to hold back a smile)

Matt: Oh, she’s on fire, but not burning. The initial explosion covered her in hydrocarbons. She’s flame-retardant.

James: Cool. Where’d you learn that?

Matt: The teacher told me how to do a burning bush for our Moses play at church. But the hydrocarbons were my idea.

James: I thought hydrocarbons burned really well.

Matt: (smiling) Whoops. (brushes it off) Oh well, she’s wearing polyester. And it didn’t get in her hair… yet. And, I mean, she’ll get it out soon enough.

James: Then, why is she still running? (Rachel runs past them, still in flames)

Matt: (passively, though she’s probably out of earshot) Stop, drop, and roll!

Scene 17: Outside the Computer Lab

(Christopher typing on a laptop in a rolling chair in front of the door)

(a large electrical flash is seen from behind the glass in the door)

(Christopher passively pulls the fire alarm and rolls away)

Scene 18: The Gym

(Coach Hart is being arrested)

Scene 19: The Spanish Room Door

(Voices are heard inside)

A Lusty Man’s Voice: Mi bella señorita, quiero besarte. (kissing is heard)

A Lusty Woman’s Voice: Mi gran hombre, quiero ponerte sobre esta mesa. (more kissing is heard)

The Man’s Voice: ¡Más rapido! (loud breathing)

(a click is heard)

An Impartial Voice: This ends side one of “Amor Y Traición.” Please reverse tape and press play. (a beep)

Scene 20: The Band Room

(Mr. Cord is looking into a closet)

Mr. Cord: They have to wear these! (laughs heartily) They have to wear these terrible Orange and White atrocities! (laughs harder) In public! (has trouble breathing) And the drum majors’ costumes! (falls out of his chair in hysterics)

Scene 21: Outside the School

(a computer falls out of a window)

(a student follows it)

(the bushes catch on fire)

(Rachel, still on fire, runs by)

(Daniel, Matt, James, and Christopher walk by, Rachel passes them)

Christopher: So, you did that?

Matt: Yeah. Kind of.

Daniel: Knight J4.

James: (smiles) Queen J6. Checkmate.

Daniel: (thinks) No, not again! You always win with that!

(they pass the burning bushes)

James: (parental tone) Matt?

Matt: It wasn’t me.

Christopher: Think the fire department will come again?

(they shrug)

Daniel: Think the play’s gonna be any good? Especially Halley? (nudges Christopher)

Christopher: Halley will be great. But I don’t how it’ll be overall.

(a boy runs to them)

The Boy: He’s gonna kill me! Save me from Mr. Carnegie. (runs off)

(Mr. Carnegie runs by, enraged)

James: Wasn’t that Halley’s costar?

Christopher: Yep.

Matt: We really should call the fire department. No one else is gonna put it out.

(Eric runs in, wearing a cape)

Eric: This look like a job for… Eric the Hero. (pulls out a squirt gun, and sprays the fire, doing very little; he runs out of water) Oh, no. Our hero’s ammo has run out. What is he to do? But don’t worry, Eric the Hero would never give up. To the Eric Spigot! (runs off)

Matt: Maybe we should tell the nurse he hasn’t taken his medicine in two weeks. (pause) Okay, this fire is getting hot.

Daniel: Bishop to I7! I could have held him off. That would have left his other rook helpless. Dang it!

James: Hey! Thou shall not curse.

Christopher: Ah, Commandment number 27. Got to remember the ones not on the tablets.

(The boy runs by again, as does Mr. Carnegie)

Boy in the Bushes: Ow! Fire! Hot…

Eric: (runs back) Take that, evil Fire! (sprays with his squirt gun)

(COMMERCIAL BREAK)

(CLOSING CREDITS)

Scene 3,955 (Just kidding)

Scene 22: The Auditorium

(the lights dimmed; the actors acting)

Halley: Dearest Henry, I’m afraid William might have left. What ever am I to do?

“Henry”: Princess, you cannot help William. Let him go on with this quest. He’s a strong lad, and he’s bright. He will… he will…

Mr. Carnegie: (runs on stage) return! “He will return once his grail is found or is shattered. Can’t you get it right? (chokes “Henry”)

(the balcony falls and knocks Mr. Carnegie away from “Henry”)

Halley: (frightened) Oh my! It is the Lost Knight, Sir… Carne… ham! Sir Carneham, how are you?

Mr. Carnegie: (enraged) I’ll show you how I am! (lunges toward her)

(Halley screams and kicks him)

(time lapse)

(two men carry Mr. Carnegie off in a straight jacket)

(the lights begin to flash wildly)

Marda: (gets up from the audience) Patrick!

Eric: (runs on stage) This look like a job for… Eric the Villain! (sprays Halley with his squirt gun and runs off)

Daniel: I didn’t know it was going to be this good.

Matt: And to think they practiced this!

James: For four months.

Christopher: Maybe I should get Halley a towel. (he gets up)

(they all laugh)

Halley: (not in the aforementioned British accent) Oh, screw it.

(END)

A/N: Okay, that was painstaking! And absolutely terrible! (smiles) Yay! I had no idea I could write such awful work! (chuckles) So, I’m going back and I’m going to make sure the last two were this bad.

^_^ - They already are.

You know, I prided myself with some of these being able to be actual Friends fics, but I am entirely certain that they would never put this on the air. Yay, my own genre of Friends! It will never be stolen. Nobody wants to steal it! I have too many exclamation marks! Okay, next part, TOW the Marching Competition will be our before long, I hope. Have patience. My inspiration is still strong!

^_^ - Fire! Fights! Explosions! Large falling objects! Teachers going insane! It’s a classic! I give it two thumbs in my ears! If I had either!

^_^~~~ - Tune in next time for the Adventures of Eric the Hero (or Possibly) Villain! How do you like my cape?