The One With
the Kitty
by Godeerc VanDrey
Genre:
General, Humor
Rating:
PG
Language:
English (redundant, isn’t it?)
Summery: Ross takes Rachel out at a fancy restaurant,
hoping to have a serious conversation about her feelings on marriage. Phoebe gets a special kitten, which Joey and
A/N:
Okay, here’s a basic show mimicker. It’s
the sister fic for The One With
the Surveillance Camera. This also takes
place in Season 2, near the end. It’s
just someplace where Ross and Rachel are seriously dating. (When was it not serious?) Anyway, it’s a normal fic,
nothing really special happens, but I hope you find it really funny. Oh, and if the collections of the names of
characters sound familiar, that is because I based their names on people I
know. If they sound familiar, then you
probably live in my area. Thank you.
Scene
1: Joey and
(
Joey:
Uh...
Joey:
Awesome! You’ll never guess what movie I
got.
Joey:
It’s okay. I won’t stretch your... Hey!
(time lapse)
(Joey
and
Joey:
Yeah. We totally vegged
out for like a day.
Joey:
Do it again?
Joey: You can if you want. I’m just
getting comfortable. (relaxes into chair) Oh, man,
that’s it.
(OPENING
CREDITS)
Scene
2: Monica and Rachel’s Apartment
(Monica
in the kitchen; Rachel sleeping on the couch)
Ross:
(enters) Hey, is Rachel here?
Monica:
Shh! (whispering) She’s asleep on the couch. I need to get her up, but I don’t want to get
her angry.
(Ross
kneels beside the couch, and kisses her in her sleep; she stirs)
Rachel:
Hey, Ross. (smiles)
Monica:
Why didn’t I think of that?
Rachel:
Thank you for not thinking of it. But I
don’t think Joey’ll feel the same way.
Ross:
(picks her up from the couch) Guess who got reservations for Maleir’s.
Rachel:
It better be you or you’re putting me down.
Ross:
Good thing it is me, ‘cause I was kind of liking you right here. (kisses her)
(
Rachel:
So, how’d you get in?
Ross: I
called about five weeks in advance.
Joey:
Hey, I’ve got a date in five weeks.
Joey:
No, but I will. Hello, I don’t
technically already have a date for tonight, but it’s not four o’clock yet. I’ve got time. (pause) And I’ve got a date
with that waitress Jessica in about two weeks.
Rachel:
(from Ross’s arms) Oh, yeah, she told me she can do it on the thirty-first of
November, okay?
Joey:
Great.
(A/N:
Please, take your time in figuring out that joke.)
Joey:
You don’t ever?
Monica:
Won’t you be dead?
Ross:
With a 140-year-old woman?
Rachel:
What if you’re married? Oh, never mind…
Joey:
Yeah, baby. (they leave)
Monica:
I thought he had the day off.
Ross: I
thought he did, too. So, Rach... (sees
that she is asleep) Oh, I’ll put her to bed. (kisses her forehead; she smiles
in her sleep; he takes her into her room)
Monica:
(goes to the kitchen, and looks at a piece of paper on the table; her eyes
become wide) Godeerc Jewelry Design.
Specially-made Ring Order Form. (shocked; Ross exits Rachel’s room) Are
you going to propose to Rachel? (smiles)
Ross:
Shh! Yes, but not for a while. I need to ask Rachel about how secure she
feels in our relationship. She and I are
perfect together, and I don’t want to ruin anything by moving too fast for
her. That’s why I got reservations at
Maleir’s.
Monica:
Well, can I still pretend you’re doing it tonight, and hug you because I’m
overjoyed?
Ross:
Sure. (opens his arms, which Monica takes in a joyful
hug)
Monica:
How many carats you getting?
Ross:
Probably about two.
Monica:
Who says “no” to two?
Ross:
That’s what I’m hoping. (pause) You need a boyfriend.
(COMMERCIAL
BREAK)
Scene
3: J&C’s
(Joey
and
(they are very settled, seeing that each one has a six-pack
of beverage and three pizza boxes each on the side of their recliners)
Joey:
What? That’s the second time in four
hours! You shouldn’t drink so much!
Joey:
Well, I can hold it in.
Joey:
But this is Episode #311! It’s like the
third best show! Baywatch’s Greatest
Hits says so.
Scene
4: Phoebe’s Apartment
(Phoebe
pacing back and forth, holding an open candy bar, but not eating it)
Phoebe:
C’mon, c’mon. They said it would be
here. (buzzer sounds, startling Phoebe, who puts down
the candy bar on the sofa and opens the door)
Woman:
(Margaret, dressed in a gray uniform holding an animal cage) Animal
Shelter. Is this Phoebe (reads list)
Buffy’s... residence?
Phoebe:
No, I’m Phoebe Buffay, but it’s okay.
Those guys selling stuff over the phone at dinnertime mistakes me for
her, too.
Margaret:
Okay... (sarcastic) Oh! Look-y here!
I’ve a delivery for you too. A kitten?
Phoebe:
Yes! What about Phoebe Buffy’s order?
Margaret:
She’ll get hers anyway.
Phoebe:
But I wouldn’t want to take her kitten.
Margaret:
This isn’t her kitten. I assure you.
Phoebe:
Then why were you bringing her my cat?
Margaret:
(annoyed) Sign here.
Phoebe:
Okay, thanks. (takes the kitten, who is black with
white spots A/N: Yes, it is a itty bitty
little baby kitten, and yes, it is unbelievably adorable, and yes, the audience
does go, “Awwwwwww” during the close-up)
Margaret:
Good-bye.
Phoebe:
Wait! Does this thing have two tails?
Margaret:
Yes, it does. Genetic
thing. I’ll take it back.
Phoebe:
No way! It’s awesome! I’ve never seen a kitten this cute since my
twin sister stole a lion cub from the zoo.
Margaret: Then keep it. (very scared of Phoebe by now)
I’ll be going now. (she leaves and Phoebe lets the
kitten out of her cage, who immediately jumps on the couch to eat the candy
bar)
Phoebe:
Hey! I even got you special canned
food! It’s expensive. Look right here. (picks
up a can, and reads) Beef Flavored. Who
wouldn’t want that? (pauses; mumbles to herself) Only beef-flavored. (looks around,
opens the can, grabs a spoon...)
Scene
5: Mailer’s, a very classy restaurant
(Ross
and Rachel sitting at a candlelit table holding menus)
Rachel:
Wow, these things are pricey.
Ross:
No problem. Get whatever you want. Well, my Christmas bonus is only so big...
Rachel:
I get it, I get it. I have learned to
budget you know. Some thanks to you.
Ross:
No problem.
Rachel:
Wow, I can’t believe you brought me here.
What’s the big occasion?
Ross:
You see, I’m dating this wonderful person right now, and I want to show her how
much I love her, so I was hoping you could give me some pointers.
Rachel:
Restaurant, very good. Personality, very good.
Job, not too exciting, though you did make the Cro-Magnum’s fur blanket quite exciting.
Ross:
(laughs) So, listen.
I was wondering how you felt about...
Waiter:
Mousier? (A/N: Is that the right spelling?)
Ross:
Oh, yes. Um, some wine please. House specialty.
Waiter:
Yes, anything else?
Ross:
No, we need some more time.
Waiter:
I’ll be back with your wine shortly.
Ross:
So, I was saying. Do you feel like...
we’re...
Man:
Ma’am, would you get me some more coffee?
Rachel:
What?
Man:
(drunk) I’d like my coffee cup refilled.
Rachel:
I’m not a waitress here.
Man:
So, go back to the freaking coffeehouse and get me some coffee.
Waiter:
Sir, we’re going to have to ask you to leave.
Man:
Oh, yeah? Leave this! (shoves the waiter onto Ross and Rachel’s table)
Scene
6: Phoebe’s Apartment
(Phoebe
sitting, eating cat food from the can; the cat is nibbling on a piece of pizza A/N: With
mushrooms and peppers in case you were wondering.)
Phoebe:
Mmm. Onyx
Bright, you don’t know what you’re missing.
Onyx
Bright: Meow. (A/N: Sorry, just had to do that.)
Joey:
(knocks on the door, then enters) Phoebe?
Phoebe:
Right here.
Joey:
Hey, is that the little guy?
Phoebe:
Yeah.
Joey:
Oh, he’s so cute.
Phoebe:
I know.
Joey:
What’s his name?
Phoebe:
Onyx Light.
Joey:
Wow. What’s an onyx?
Phoebe:
I’m not sure, but I’m pretty sure it’s black.
Joey:
Ah. (pause) Whoa!
This little guy’s got two tails!
Phoebe:
I know. Isn’t it great? And it’s not a guy,
it’s a... female guy.
Joey:
Yeah. Two tails. Pheebs, you are so lucky. (pause)
Wha’cha
eating?
Phoebe:
Cat food.
Joey:
Yuck! (thinks it over) Let me try a bite.
Phoebe:
(sticks a forkful in his mouth; he responds pleasurably)
Joey:
Whoa. What other flavors you got?
Phoebe:
Try this Beef and Liver one.
Joey:
(scoops out a bite) Oh, yeah, that’s what I’m talking about. (eats several more forkfuls)
Monica:
(enters) Hey, Phoebe, can I... I... Uh... uh... uh...
(sneezes loudly) Gotta go.
(COMMERCIAL
BREAK)
Scene
7: Maleir’s
(Ross
and Rachel are dining on the main course)
Ross:
So, as I was saying earlier... Do you
feel we’re at a point to be considering mar-
Rachel:
(leans forward holding her throat) Ugh.
Ross:
Okay, I’ll take that as a “no”.
Rachel:
(swallows) Sorry, bad piece of meat.
What was that last thing you said, honey?
Ross:
Uh...
Waiter:
How is the steak, Mousier?
Ross:
Wonderful. You can go away now.
Rachel:
Actually, can I ask what the desserts are?
Waiter:
Yes, Madame, (Ross sighs heavily) We have the
Strawberry Cheesecake, Chocolat de Mazueree, Golden Peanut Clusters...
Scene
8: Phoebe’s Apartment
(Joey
and Phoebe chowing down on cat food)
Joey:
Man, I never thought cat food tasted this good.
Phoebe:
But what about that time in the summer of 1992 when we went to you great aunt’s
house?
Joey:
That was dry food. And it didn’t taste
this good.
Phoebe:
Yeah, a little bland. And the crumbs
stuck to the top of your mouth.
Monica:
(entering again, holding her hands to her face; muffled) Phoebe? Can I borrow some...
(sneezes again into her hands; leaves)
Joey:
No, me and Pheebs are hanging out.
Joey:
Here, try a bite.
Joey:
Cat food.
Joey:
C’mon you liked it, didn’t you?
Joey:
Uh, I really don’t want to go back and get them.
Phoebe:
I’ve got some yoga instruction videos here.
Joey:
Uh...
Phoebe:
Flexible women contorting themselves into unusual positions in skintight,
elastic jumpsuits?
Joey:
(smiles) All right.
Scene
9: Maleir’s
(Ross
and Rachel having dessert)
Ross:
Well, what I’ve been trying to talk to you all night about is...
Woman’s
Voice: Ray-ray Green?!
Rachel:
Marda?! Marda Minkleton? How are you?
Marda:
Great, and you?
Rachel:
Wonderful! So, what’s new?
Marda:
This is. Look what I got tonight. (displays her hand)
Rachel:
An engagement ring? Who’s the lucky guy?
Marda:
Remember Jack?
Rachel:
DuMonn? Wasn’t
he...?
Marda:
Not after me.
Rachel:
Marda, you are unbelievable.
Marda:
And this cute guy? This isn’t Barry, is
it?
Rachel:
No, I left Barry at the altar. He
reminded me of Mr. Potato Head.
Marda:
Oh, I’ve always wanted to point that out to you, but I didn’t want to mess
things up.
Rachel:
Yeah. This is Ross Geller. Monica’s brother.
Marda:
Monica Geller, with the specially made band uniform?
Rachel:
You knew about that?
Marda:
I was the drum major, remember?
Rachel:
Oh yeah, you, Patrick Coleman-- wasn’t he also...? (Marda nods), and that other
girl.
Marda:
Uh-huh. Wait, Ross, the dinosaur geek?
Rachel:
Yeah, that’s him. (Ross waves)
Marda:
(pulls her to the side) And you two...? (shows her ring)
Rachel:
(whispering) Not yet.
But, this is very serious. It’s
almost definitely going to happen sometime.
Believe or not, Ross is so perfect for me.
Marda:
Way to go, hon. So, you left Barry at
the altar? (laughs)
Rachel:
Yeah, I was more turned on by this beautiful gravy tray then him.
Marda:
Oh, was it a Sir Raam Miks
gravy bowl?
Rachel:
The beige one with blue-green floral design?
Marda:
Yeah, that one. I so want that one. If we invite you to the wedding, would you
please get me it?
Rachel:
(laughs) Sure. Oh, by the way, who was
that other drum major?
Marda:
Some senior, Adrienne Kyles, I think.
Rachel:
(smiles) Oh yeah, wasn’t that the year that some sophomore kid brought her
sixth grade picture?
Marda:
Oh yeah. I remember that. Some pit percussion guy. He brought it to the marching competition.
Rachel:
Oh, that was hilarious. Didn’t she get
really mad?
Marda:
Nah. Just told him,
“You just had to bring this, didn’t you?” That was it.
He didn’t bring it up much again.
But, my gosh, her picture was so cute. Long hair, toothy grin, and
a bow. (adoring faces from Marda and Rachel)
(A/N: I
know you are tiring of these, but I did quote Adrienne in the last line, and am
giving her citation rights, as if she really wanted them.)
Rachel:
So, about Jack. How’d he do it?
Marda:
Out of nowhere. He just flat out asked
me tonight. I had no idea.
Rachel: So he didn’t hint at it or anything?
Marda:
Nothing. I was completely surprised.
Rachel:
How romantic. (Ross looks surprised)
Marda:
Listen, I gotta go.
It was great seeing you.
Rachel:
You too. (sits down) Wasn’t that great seeing her
again?
Ross:
Oh, just wonderful.
Rachel:
What have you been trying to talk to me all night about?
Ross:
Uh, nothing.
Rachel:
So, hear her? Engaged? To Jack DuMonn. I thought he was always geeky-looking.
Ross:
Big round glasses, and those braces.
Yeah, he was.
Rachel: Yeah, come to think of it, without the braces and glasses, he wouldn’t
look too bad.
Ross:
Well, without the Afro and mustache, I look pretty good, too.
Rachel:
(flirty) Absolutely. (pause)
So, you think we’ll ever get engaged?
Ross:
(thinks) Uh, we might... I haven’t really thought
about it.
Rachel: Ross, you’ve named our kids.
Ross: Just the first one.
Rachel:
And what do mean, “we might?” (a
bit angry) I thought we had something spectacular.
Ross:
(realizing his mistake) We do. (Rachel get up) Rach, no. Listen to me.
I... I... was just thinking, I don’t want to
move to fast for you. Yeah, I want to
get married, but not until you’re ready.
Rachel:
Oh, now eliminate the surprise when you ask me.
Did you even hear my hint to Marda?
Ross:
(to himself) I just can’t win. (to Rachel) Yes, I
heard it, that’s why I avoided the subject.
Sorry, I really wanted it to be a surprise.
Rachel:
(smiles) That’s okay.
You know, I think even if right before you proposed, you told me you
were about to propose, I think in some way that I would be completely surprised
anyway, ‘cause it would be so great.
Ross: I
would hope it would be. I love you,
Rachel.
Rachel:
I love you, Ross.
Ross:
And one more thing...
Waiter:
Would you like the check, Mousier?
Ross: (tense) You know what? All night, you’ve been interrupting me, and
I’m a bit about tired of it.
Scene
10: Outside Maleir’s
(Ross
pursuing Rachel)
Ross:
Rach, I didn’t mean to get us kicked out.
One snide comment, and you’re busted. Please, Honey?
Rachel:
It was perfect until now. Just perfect. Kind of
makes me wonder if our perfection will end so suddenly.
Ross:
Rach, there’s nothing I can say to convince you, but I can promise you this.
Rachel: Yes? (he kisses her A/N: I don’t describe kisses well, but we’ll
say he does it right. He starts out by
just holding her face, then slowly closing in, beginning it softly, and then
from there, it’s magic.)
(A/N:
That wasn’t too bad. Plus, I also
couldn’t leave the story on a bad note, which despite sometimes being very
funny in sitcoms, does not work well in fanfics.)
(COMMERCIAL
BREAK)
(ENDING
CREDITS)
Scene
11: Phoebe’s Apartment
(
Phoebe: Yeah, I’m sorry. But maybe we
can do this again some other time. You
guys seen Onyx?
Joey: I
don’t know. Let’s go look. (they search the apartment)
Phoebe:
What is it? (gasps; the kitten is lying on the floor,
by a tipped over can of beer) Is she...?
Phoebe: It’s one can. She can’t be that
drunk.
(A/N:
I’m so sorry, but it’s all in good fun.
I love kittens. I also think the
whole “Your kitten is hammered” line is hilarious.)
Phoebe:
Oh, my baby! Hammered! I’m a bad pet owner. I’ll take this to Phoebe Buffy in the
morning.
Joey:
Wow, can I come? I mean, if she’s even
half is hot as you. (Phoebe giggles)
(a knock on the door is heard,
Phoebe:
(calling after her) You’re welcome. (
A/N:
Okay, I am warning you now. THIS
AUTHOR’S NOTE WILL BE LONG AND TEDIOUS.
DO NOT READ UNLESS YOU HAVE TIME OR BELIEVE YOU WERE A CHARACTER IN THIS
STORY.
First
of all, I’d like to thank all you wonderful readers for reading this
story. I thought it would be rather
bland, but I really felt this one was a growing experience for me, and I had a
lot of fun writing it. I can already
tell that there will be a lot of questions.
That is what reviews are for. I
will read them, and change this fic to improve and clarify certain
context. I love rewriting stories as
much as I do writing them.
If you
think a character in this story was based on you, without your knowledge, I am
very sorry. Your identity is protected
by the changing of your last name. No
one who doesn’t already know you personally will be able to identify you. Any correlating ideas in this story were NOT
coincidental and have been based on true persons. If you know who the characters in this story
are in real life, I hope you enjoyed reading about them.
If you
were in this story, I am going to apologize anyway.
Marda,
your character is a friendly, optimistic person (like yourself) who just got
proposed to, and is a friend to Jennifer Aniston’s alter ego. Why you would be mad with your portrayal, I
don’t know. And Jack is not based on
anybody, okay, Marda? I don’t know who
you’re boyfriend is, so I didn’t want to put you with some one I knew. Jack is completely original.
Patrick,
you are a cool dude. (That sounded really corny.) That joke in there about you
has no basis. I left whatever the
audience wanted to think up to them.
They could even think a positive thing.
It’s their choice if they wanted to thinks something negative.
Adrienne,
so I brought up “the picture.” C’mon, it
was a cute, no, an adorable picture of you, okay? The guy who brought it (whose name I won’t
tell, but he is the retired Creedogmon, in fact,) doesn’t really show it
anymore. He just thought it would be
funny to see our little drum major when she was a little cutie pie (not that
you aren’t now, girl), and it was. He
showed us all his picture, and lots of other people’s pictures. He really likes you (No, not like that. He doesn’t go for girls older that him.) and just thought it would be amusing. And your character is probably going to
reappear, and so will the picture thing.
Maybe even the trick-or-treating thing. (evil
grin) (Yes, Creedogmon told me about that.)
Jessica,
you are portrayed as a strong, independent, quick-witted person (in many of my
stories and many more to come). My
friend, Creedogmon, did use you in his Power of Crests fics as well. I really liked your character, so I used her,
okay? I will use her/you again as an old
friend of Chris VanDrey (none other that Creedogmon himself in CPoC) in a fic (or possibly series) he is assisting me in
writing. He likes you. But, like Adrienne, not in that way. He’s had dreams where you’re his little
sister, okay? Really, I sorta know you from school, and I really think you make a
great character.
Oh, and
about the kitten. The drunken thing was purely for humor, and trust me, I am a huge cat lover, and I am telling you
now, under no circumstance should a
cat be fed anything but cat food and
water. Alcoholic beverages and sugary
food can hurt the immune systems of domestic animals, and should NOT be fed to them. I
am warning you now. Most cat foods can
be digested by humans, but it is not recommended due to the fact that I don’t
think cat food tastes very good. Okay,
that last statement was my opinion, not a fact.
I am
tiring of writing this author’s note and will now cease to continue. Thank you for reading my fic, and I hope you
enjoyed your experience. Good-bye.
)) ((
((
))
/\ /\
>
^_^ < -Meow! (hiccup) (,)¯¯)
,,,
,,,
©2001. Created Thursday, December 27, 2001.