The One With
the Incense
by Godeerc VanDrey
Category:
Friends
Genre:
Humor, General
Rating:
PG
Language:
English
Summary:
Ross and Monica go to a “Siblings’ Clinic” that helps to resolve sibling
conflicts. Joey and
A/N:
Okay, I’m sorry this took so long to get out, but I have been really busy. School has started up again, and I have to
work on these whenever I can. This one
has been planned for a while, I just haven’t had time
to write it. This takes place in Season
2, though it has very little to do with the Ross and Rachel thing. It is another fic
for my Alter Ego Phase fic. Alter Ego Phase fics
feature a new character (or characters) that is the center of the major plot
line. This one will feature Isaias and Isabel Rodriguez, a brother and sister like Ross
and Monica. Have fun! I have a good feeling about this one.
Scene
1: Inside a building
(Ross
and Monica walk in)
Ross:
(to the receptionist) Excuse me, miss.
Monica:
We’re looking for...
Ross:
Excuse me, I was talking to her.
Monica:
So, that all of a sudden means I can’t say something, too?
Ross:
Well, you could at least have waited until I finished. Or paused even.
Monica:
What is the big deal?
Ross:
The big deal is that you have no manners.
Monica:
(offended) Excuse me?
Receptionist:
Sibling Relations Clinic, first floor, Room 112. It’ll be the third one on the left down this
hallway.
Ross:
Thanks.
Monica:
Suck-up.
Ross:
Double suck-up.
Monica:
Triple suck-up.
Ross:
Quadruple suck-up.
Monica:
(pause) Five-tuple suck-up.
Ross:
(laughs) Quintuple.
Monica:
Shut up.
Ross:
You shut up.
Monica:
No, you!
(OPENING
CREDITS)
(COMMERCIAL
BREAK)
Scene
2: Joey and
(Joey
and
Joey:
I don’t know. Maybe it’s that one where
the lifeguards run around a lot and save people.
Joey:
Actually, I think we’ve only seen the first part.
(
Joey:
Whoa.
Joey: I didn’t know they could show that.
Joey:
Oh, no, no, no you don’t. We can watch
this.
Joey:
We watch it for the hot girls. And look
what we got here.
Joey:
Neanderthals? They’re nothing like me!
Joey:
Hey! Look at these girls and tell me
they’re not hot.
Joey:
Yeah.
Scene
3: Phoebe’s Apartment
(Rachel
and Phoebe sitting on her couch)
Phoebe:
C’mon, Rach! You’ll love it.
Rachel: I’m sorry; I’m just not an “incense” kind of person.
Phoebe:
“Incense” is not a kind of person; it’s an aromatic experience that draws
memories and emotions to your conscious psyche, illuminating your inner spirit.
Rachel:
(unimpressed) So it does. (she gives Pheobe a look)
Phoebe:
I’m sorry you’re not in the process of making out with your boyfriend, but Ross
is trying to better relations with Mon, okay?
Rachel:
I know, I know. Okay, let’s get high.
Phoebe:
We are not going to get “high.” This is
incense.
Rachel:
Can I slap you if I do?
Phoebe:
Yes, if you get high, feel free. Okay,
look. This one is called “Cynicism.”
Rachel:
Phoebe, that’s not even a smell! It’s a
type of government!
Phoebe: No, it’s not. Watch. (she lights
it and breathes it)
Rachel:
(breathes it, too) I still think it’s no good.
Phoebe:
Well, sorry, Miss Princess Non-Believer All-I-Care-About-Is-Me... Person, for
trying.
Rachel:
You’re wasting your time, just like all the other losers who have nothing to do
but create smelly sticks with funny names and don’t do anything with their
lives.
Phoebe:
This stuff works.
Rachel:
It does.
Phoebe:
(takes another one) This one is called “Euphoria” (has a questioning look)
Rachel:
I think it means like “happy” or “friendly.”
Phoebe:
Okay. (she lights it)
Scene
4: The Clinic
(Ross
and Monica sit next to another couple and a lady with a clipboard)
Ross:
I’m Ross Geller, and this is my sister…
Monica:
Monica Geller.
Ross:
Hey! I can introduce you just fine!
Lady:
(with clipboard, Naomi; talks to them like a kindergarten teacher) Monica, we
know your personality is impulsive, but you must learn to be patient. Ross, you must learn not to overreact at
every little thing.
Ross:
I do not overreact to every little thing. (Monica punches his arm) HEY!
Naomi:
Ross...?
Ross:
I know, I know. (spoken out) Monica, I don’t appreciate it when you hit
me. Words are better than fists. (Monica
struggle to muffle a laugh)
Naomi:
Now, I’m going to the next group. Please,
talk to one another. Learn about each
other differences and brainstorm solutions.
Isaias:
Hi, I’m Isaias Rodriguez. This is my
sister, Isabel.
Isabel: Hi.
Ross:
Isaias? (pronounced Ee-sai-ee-ahs) What kind of name is that?
Monica:
Ross!
Ross:
I wasn’t being mean, unlike some people I know.
(the
other two laugh)
Isaias:
It’s Spanish for “Isaiah.” Isabel is
Spanish for “
Isabel:
I can talk for myself thank you very much.
Isaias:
Really? I didn’t notice. (Monica laughs)
Monica:
I understand. Ross was always shy.
Ross:
Well, at least I wasn’t giddy!
(Isaias
laughs)
Isaias:
Isabel was so giddy!
Isabel:
At least I wasn’t sarcastic.
Ross: Yeah. I know. You didn’t have a sense of humor.
Monica:
Look who’s talking.
Scene
5: J&C’s
(
Joey:
(similar tone) Ooga, ooga! Food! (takes
a large handful of Chee-tos)
Joey:
What’s pretty good?
Joey:
(deep voice) Not eat like Neanderthal!
Eat like Joey!
Joey:
Yes!
Joey:
Yes! “Indefinitely” not caveman word,
though, me thinks.
Scene
6: P’s Apartment
(Rachel
and Phoebe swaying)
Rachel:
(as if high) You know, this Eufoora is good!
Phoebe:
(the same) Yeah! Aw, we’re out. (points
as her hand moves back and forth)
Rachel:
I’m hungry. Are you hungry?
Phoebe:
Yeah. Let’s go get a burger.
Rachel:
I thought you were a veggaterrier.
Phoebe:
What’s that?
Rachel:
I don’t know. It sounds like a dog.
Phoebe:
Never mind. Let’s go get us a Big Mac.
Rachel:
Okay. (runs into the door) We can’t get out.
Phoebe:
That’s okay. We can burn some more
incest.
Rachel:
No, that’s where you... (giggles uncontrollably)
Phoebe:
Well, let’s burn it anyway. We’re out of
Urophobia or whatever.
Rachel:
I remember that.
Phoebe: Me, too. I think I forgot.
Rachel:
What’s this say? (holding a package up-side-down)
Phoebe:
I don’t know.
(the
label says “Hormonal Stimulation”)
Scene
6: The Clinic
(the
two sets of sibling during “Discussion Period”, read “Arguing Time”)
(Ross
is continuously doing the double-fist-knocks to Monica, who holds her hand up,
looking away)
Isaias:
What are you doing?
Ross:
It’s what I did instead of “the finger” so my parents wouldn’t know I was
giving Monica “the finger.”
Isaias:
Ah. Isabel. (twirls his hand to the side
of his face)
Isabel:
(giggles) Oh, I remember that. (Isaias continues to repeat the motion) Okay,
you can stop now.
(time
lapse)
Isabel:
(sharply) You barely took notice to me!
Isaias:
Who said I had to? You’re my
sister. No one cares about his or her
little sister.
Monica:
(low voice) How true, how true.
Ross:
What are you talking about?
Monica:
You spent all your time either in dinosaurs or wondering, (high voice) “Will I
get Rachel to go out with me?”
Ross:
One, I never sounded like that. (Monica raises an eyebrow) Well, never that you
would remember. And two, they both paid
off, didn’t they? So now I have a good
job and a girlfriend.
Monica:
(sneers) So does your ex-wife.
Ross:
Pull that card on me, will you? Maybe I
should pull the “Hated By My Mother” card, or the “Fat” card, or the “No
Boyfriend” card. The possibilities are
limitless.
Isaias:
Maybe I should bring up the “Dorky Glasses” card or the “Sleeps With Stuffed
Animals” card.
Ross:
“Sleeps With Stuffed Animals” card?
That’s a good one.
Monica:
Yeah, you could pull that one on Rachel. (Ross looks defeated)
Ross:
Pulling out “No Boyfriend” card. At
least I have a significant other. (Monica sneers)
Isaias:
Maybe I could pull that one.
Isabel: I’m engaged.
Isaias:
(thinks) Yeah, but that means he’s not your boyfriend anymore.
Isabel:
Can I pull out the “Complete Idiot” card?
Or maybe just “Wet His Bed At 12” card, or the “Didn’t Date Until 17”
card.
Ross:
You didn’t date until you were seventeen?
Dude, sorry, but I think she has the liberty to pull that one.
Monica:
Then I can pull the “Didn’t Date Until...” card.
Ross:
Don’t even go there!
Isabel:
Why do they only give us two hours for “Discussion Period”?
Monica:
Beats me. It’s not near enough time.
(COMMERCIAL
BREAK)
Scene
7: J&C’s
(the
living room is empty)
Joey:
(also wearing a loincloth) Me Joey. (beats his chest) Ow! Beating chest hurts!
(A/N:
Do you hear girls screaming at the top of their lungs just then? ‘Cause I did.)
Joey:
Yes. Me have craving for meat.
Joey:
Good deal.
Scene
8:
(guy on phone)
Guy:
Joey’s? Yeah, we know where that is. (hangs up and scribbles down an order)
Girl
Worker: (looks at it) Joey’s? We should
start a place right next door. Who lives
there?
Guy:
A couple of hot girls. But they love
their apartment. We’re not getting it. (pause) And you know, they sounded really weird. Talking like cavemen.
Girl:
(looks at her watch) Really? Joey only sounds like that at
Guy:
It was the other guy.
Girl:
The guy who…
Guy:
Yeah.
Girl:
Too bad, he’s kind of cute.
Guy:
You’re kidding.
Girl:
Of course I’m kidding. The guy’s a dork.
Scene
9: Phoebe’s Apartment
(Rachel
and Phoebe sitting on the couch, looking... satisfied)
Rachel:
(out of breath) I tell you something.
That one’s dangerous. I’m glad no
one came by.
Phoebe:
I think they would have been glad.
Rachel:
We’re just gonna have to keep that one between us,
okay?
Rachel:
(laughs) So, what’s next?
Phoebe:
“Imbecility.” What’s that?
Rachel:
Isn’t that being a traitor to your country?
Phoebe:
That’s “exposition.”
Rachel:
Ah. (she light it)
(time lapse)
(Rachel
and Phoebe stare into dead space, with their mouth hanging open, brain dead)
(Rachel
fall face first onto the coffee table on a magazine, and the incense falls
over)
(Phoebe
fall headfirst onto a newspaper; she knocks over a glass of water, and the
incense sizzles out)
Scene
10: The Clinic
(Ross
and Monica, and Isaias and Isabel hugging)
Ross:
I’m sorry I was so mean.
Monica:
It’s okay. We all have our faults. I should be more understanding with you.
Ross:
Right back at you.
Isaias:
I’m sorry, Isabel, I never listened to you.
I didn’t understand your problems.
Isabel:
It’s okay. You shouldn’t have had to
drag your little sister around all the time.
I had my own life, and so did you.
Even if was with your drum buddies.
Isaias:
And your clarinet buddies.
Isabel:
(tense) One clarinet buddy. One!
The rest of them were the girls who couldn’t play flute and the boys who
wanted to play saxophone.
Todd:
(the couselor) Now, let’s calm down. Remember, we all have our preferences.
Ross:
I must tell you. You are very good at
this.
Todd:
Thank you. It’s a hobby, really. I want to be a marriage counselor as soon as
I get my degree.
(A/N:
You would have to have read The One With the Marriage
Counselor to get that one.)
Monica:
We’ll remember you.
Ross:
Yeah, but I don’t think I’ll have any problems with Rachel that’ll be severe
enough for your line of work.
Monica:
I don’t know. Jealously might throw a
curve.
Ross:
“Jealously” is not going to get in between me and Rach. And neither will loss of love... or
unfaithfulness. I’d like to see the day
one of us cheats on the other.
(A/N:
Don’t you just love verbal irony? If you
do, read The One With the Mystic’s Fifth Visit when it
comes out. It’ll be chock full of them.)
Scene
11: J&C’s
(Joey
and
(a
pizza box is seen, and in tomato sauce, a finger-painted picture of two stick
figures, one with Chandler’s hair ‘do and one with Joey’s ‘do, with their arms
on each other shoulders, with the caption, “Best Buds Forever)
Scene
12: Phoebe’s Apartment
(Rachel
and Phoebe lighting another incense stick)
Rachel:
You know, after everything these things have done to us, why do we light
another one?
(^_^
- Because it’s a good plot line?)
Phoebe:
I don’t know.
Rachel:
What’s it called?
Phoebe:
“Amnesia.”
Rachel:
What’s that? I hear it a lot of Days of Our Lives.
Phoebe:
I don’t remember. That “Euphoria” one is
still taking effect.
(the inhale)
Rachel:
Wow, that smells... what’s the word I’m thinking of?
Phoebe:
I don’t know. What it’s like?
Rachel:
I don’t remember. By the way, who are
you?
Phoebe:
(her mind blank) Uh,
Rachel:
I don’t know. The name Princess comes to
mind.
Phoebe:
Cool. What was my name again?
Rachel:
(thinks) Didn’t it start with an “F”?
Phoebe:
Yeah, you’re probably right. Queen, was
it?
Rachel:
Uh-huh. (but thinks)
(Phoebe
hums “Another Bites the Dust”)
Rachel:
What are you humming?
Phoebe:
I don’t remember the title. Let me hum
again. (pauses, as she can’t remember) Uh. (hums the theme the tune to
“Smelly Cat”)
Rachel:
(sings under her breath) What are they feeding you? (pauses) Where did that come from?
(Phoebe
shrugs her shoulders)
(COMMERCIAL
BREAK)
(CLOSING
CREDITS)
Scene
13: J&C’s
(Phoebe
enters)
Phoebe:
Hello? (Joey gorilla-walks in)
Joey:
(grunts)
Phoebe:
(is overcome by a giggly smile) Nice loincloth.
Joey:
(in a grunting tone) Pheebs.
Phoebe:
That’s it! That’s my name. I have to tell Princess.
Joey:
(points) Head.
Phoebe:
Oh, that. I fell on a newspaper. (indeed, she has newsprint on her forehead, the stock
exchange) Yeah, MEG is up four points, according to my head. But you should see Rachel, her head says, “12
Ways to Improve...” something, it didn’t get imprinted. Here. (pulls out
some incense and lights it with a lighter)
Joey:
(his eyes widen at the sight of the fire) Pheebs make fire.
Phoebe:
Yeah. Cave-Joey, it’s a lighter. (shows him the lighter, which he grabs) Should
not have done that. (Joey clicks it a few times, amazed) Hey, Joey,
smell this. (Joey does) What do you think? (grabs and
kisses her) Wow, I’ll need maybe a box of this.
Where’d that pen go? (in her hair)
(Joey
grabs Phoebe by the waist and throws her over his shoulder and starts to
gorilla-walk toward his room)
Phoebe:
Make that two boxes.
(END)
A/N:
Hehe, that
was fun. I hope it turned out as well as
I wanted it to. I had a lot of fun with
this one. What did you think?
Anyway,
as always, what’s in the works:
The
One With the High School Days Parts 2-5: It is planned
and ready to be written. I have a good
feeling about all of them.
(I
am at another prime in my work. For a
while there, I was afraid I might have lost all inspiration, but this one
proves I’m back in the game.)
The
One With the Fake Addressees: An Altar Ego fic, this
time, I have permission to write about them. (^_^ - Eek-gad!) Please see Owl Twrite for her work. (Owl, can I leave this here? Or should I remove the last part about your
pen name?)
V.
The One With the Mystic’s Fifth Visit: Godeerc
manipulates the gang’s childhood past.
Now he has a scepter, and his powers are increased.
VII.
The One Where Godeerc Changes Vegas: The title says it all. This one will be pretty long, because each Friend will get to do a change.
VII.
Godeerc the Mystic 7: Unnamed as of now, but this is the one that will bring in
Jessica. I need some serious
brainstorming, but I think this will be a bit deeper.
The
One With the Auras: Reworked and ready to be extended.
The
One With the Sweet Dreams: Needs a lot of work.
“Back-burner”
works: These are the ones that I plan to do, but will not be worked on until
major inspiration occurs.
The
One With the
The
One With the Deleted Scene: Needs a few more to be complete, but technically
being brainstormed.
The
One With the Funniest Moments: Will be worked on as
soon as I’ve seen about every episode.
The One With Ross’s Shrine, Part 2: This one is so
hard. But I’m bouncing ideas around.
The
One With the Back-ups: Already been done, but I will
redo it completely someday, because it was not finished.
The
Fantasy Phase: Major problems making humorous.
Don’t wait up.
^_^
- Well, finally! Does the phrase biting
off more that you can chew mean anything to you?
^_^
- (sniffs) Ah. ~~~~=========
“Sarcasm”? I like it.
No
wonder nothing’s changed.
^_^
- Bye-bye from the punctusmiley!
Wow,
what are you sniffing now? Corniness?
^_^
- Hey, I’m not the one who wrote The One With the Soul
Mate’s Silver Friendship!
^_^
- See you later!
©2002. Created