The One With
the Hypnotism
by Godeerc VanDrey
Category: Friends
Genre: General, Humor
Rating: PG
Language: English
Summery: Season 8.
Phoebe’s friend is a hypnotist.
She hypnotizes the gang, and the trances carry over.
A/N: Yes, I know.
Corny, but could this be, like, the funniest Friends in all history? (Not
including Vegas, of course.) I will
probably enjoy writing this too much.
Scene
1: Carol’s Apartment (I bet you weren’t expecting that.)
(Ross
knocks and Carol answers)
Ross:
Hey, Carol. Is Ben home? I need to talk to him. It’s kind of important.
Carol:
(holding her forehead) Oh no, does Ben have a new stepmommy?
Ross:
No.
Susan:
Wow, no stepmommy. What else could it
be?
Ben:
Daddy!
Ross:
Hey, Ben. I need to talk to you.
(they
sit down)
Ben:
What’s going on?
Ross:
Ben, I’ll be straight. Soon, you are
going to have a new baby brother or sister.
Susan:
And this doesn’t include a new stepmommy.
Carol:
O, Dear Third Commandment.
(Ben
looks back)
Ross:
No, not Mommy Carol or Mommy Susan.
Ben:
Then who?
Ross:
Um, you know Aunt Rachel.
Carol:
(can barely control herself) Wow. What
do you know?
Susan:
Wow, normally I’d think of some mean insult, but my mind just fails me.
Ben:
You’re not marrying Aunt Rachel?
Ross:
Not as of now. I’ve talked with Aunt
Rachel, and we’ve decided we don’t want to get married.
Ben:
Then why did you make a baby?
Ross:
(covers Ben’s ears) Does he know about… things?
Carol:
(shakes her head) No.
Ross:
(uncovers Ben’s ears) Well, Aunt Rachel was… lonely because she didn’t have
anyone to… play with, and Daddy was also lonely because he didn’t have anyone
to play with either.
Susan:
For six months, I hear.
Ross:
How’d you know that?
Susan:
News travels fast. Via one’s sister.
Ross:
(back to Ben) Well, Aunt Rachel and Daddy started playing grown-up… Mommy and
Daddy games, which we probably shouldn’t have been doing, but we did. And now, you’re going to get a new brother or
sister.
Ben: Okay, but is Aunt Rachel not marrying you because she still thinks you two
weren’t on a break?
Ross:
That’s part of it.
(OPENING
CREDITS)
(COMMERCIAL
BREAK)
Scene
2: Jupiter
A/N:
Sonriso!
^_^
- Hehehehehe.
Scene
2: A Psychic’s Shop
(Phoebe
and the gang enter)
Rachel:
I can believe you talked us into this!
Phoebe:
You wanted to watch everyone else do funny things.
Rachel:
Oh yeah. (smiles and giggles)
Monica:
Down, boy. She’s not going to make us do
anything embarrassing is she?
Phoebe:
Well, I don’t think so. I’ve done this a
few times, and I’ve been told it wasn’t that bad. At least that what I got through the
uncontrollable, sidesplitting laughter of the people watching me.
Rachel:
Yay.
Phoebe:
Hey! That’s my line!
Rachel:
Sorry…
(time
lapse)
Esmerelda:
Okay, Phoebe, you’re first.
Phoebe:
Yay.
Rachel:
(shrugs) I guess it was her line.
Esmerelda:
(pulls out a golden coin on a chain) Okay, watch the coin of gold, when I snap,
you will do what you’re told.
Phoebe:
(snores)
Esmerelda:
You will be a great martial artist, like Jackie Chan. (advertising voice) Rush
Hour 3, coming to theaters soon. (to the gang) It’s a side job. Pulls in a buck or two.
(Esmerelda
snaps loudly, startling the gang, and awakening Phoebe)
Phoebe:
(Japanese accent) Yes, the curse of Purple Dragon is upon us. (leaps back in a backflip
and lands in the splits, chopping the stool down with her) Hwah!
Esmerelda:
Dang, I hate when that happens. (Phoebe launches a sidekick toward Esmerelda,
who skillfully catches it) When I snap, you will fall asleep. (snaps)
(Phoebe
collapses)
Joey:
Cool.
Esmerelda:
Ah, our next volunteer.
(Joey
sits down)
Joey: Aren’t you going to move her?
Esmerelda:
In a minute. (pulls out a red jewel on a chain) Watch the pretty jewel red, and
you will obey every word that’s said.
When I snap, you will be a caveman, strong and fierce. (to the side) By
the way, make sure to catch the new episodes of the Flintstones.
(Esmerelda
snaps again, again startling the gang, and awakening Joey)
Joey: (grunts) Ug.
Jo-ee. (pounds
chest hard)
Joey:
(grunts and picks up a broken stool leg)
(
Joey:
Wo-man. (looks down at the sleeping Phoebe) Take home. (grabs her hair and
drags her)
Rachel:
That can’t be good for her roots.
Esmerelda:
When I snap my fingers, you will fall asleep to the floor. (snaps)
(Joey
collapses)
Rachel:
Uh.
Esmerelda:
Ah, another volunteer. What an enthusiastic
audience.
(Rachel
walks up on stage reluctantly, stepping over Phoebe and Joey)
Esmerelda:
Watch the pretty pocket watch of time, and when I snap, your will is mine.
Esmerelda:
(snaps) You are a pop star. Greater than
Britney Spears. (to the side) Miss Spears will be in
(Rachel
jumps up, and immediately breaks into song and dance, enthusiastic dance)
Rachel:
(singing) People wonder what I say and do… Though I don’t seem to have a clue…
I am a woman, proud and strong… And don’t think it’s just my song… Riches to
rags to riches… It takes endurance… I’ve had my bumps and ditches… but now I
can dance! To the music of my own drum… Um, um, um…
(Esmerelda
snaps)
(Rachel
collapses to the floor)
(Ross
giggles)
Esmerelda: Ross, why don’t you come up? (he does; she
pulls out a rotating spiral) Watch the spiral of red, yellow, and blue; when I
snap, what I say, you will do. (snaps)
(
Monica:
Shhh.
Esmerelda:
Ross, you are a suave Frenchman, irresistible and amorous. (to
the side) Round trip to
Ross:
(terrible French accent) Oh, Madame, what a pleh-shoor eet eez to be ‘ere
today. Oh, a damzel een deestrez. (kneels to the floor)
Esmerelda:
That’s enough. Sleep. (snaps)
(Ross
collapses)
Monica:
Yes, I win!
Esmerelda:
Esmerelda:
You’re a monkey. (snaps)
(
Esmerelda:
(giggles) Sleep, Chando. (snaps) (
Monica:
Alright. I’m ready. (rolls
Esmerelda:
(takes a large crystal from the shelf) Monica, I want you to look deep into the
crystal and tell me what you see.
(Monica
just stares, in a trance)
Esmerelda:
When you awake, you will be a brilliant scientist. (waves
her hand in front of the crystal)
Monica:
(mild British accent) As I was saying, this is a
remarkable sample of Topaz. Usually
these crystals don’t grow this largely, but it is my hypothesis that this
crystal might have been under very low pressure near some sort of magma pocket
or something of the sort.
Esmerelda:
Sleep. (snaps) Prof. Monica, when you awake, who was
once your husband will now be a monkey.
Listen all, when you hear a chime, you will awake as yourselves. (rotates the hands of a large grandfather clock; and exits)
(time lapse)
(the clock strikes)
Monica:
(yawns) What happened?
Ross:
I don’t remember. I went up to be
hypnotized, and that’s all.
Phoebe:
I knew she was going to do something like this.
Well, in the sense of having no idea whatever, but I knew it!
Joey:
I say we go home. That was a bust.
(COMMERICAL
BREAK)
Scene
3: Joey and Rachel’s Apartment
(
Joey:
Are you sitting on Rachel’s baby book?
Joey:
Come to think of it. This one’s not too
comfortable. (reaches under him, and pulls out a baby
rattle)
Theme
song: Duh duh duh dunt. Snap snap. Duh duh duh dunt. Snap snap. Duh duh duh
dunt, duh duh duh dunt, duh duh duh dunt. Snap snap.
They’re creepy and they’re kooky; mysterious and spooky; they’re
altogether ooky. The Addams Family…
Scene
4: Monica’s Apartment
(Monica
cooking; Ross and Rachel watching TV)
Monica:
I’m going to check on the guys. (exits)
Ross:
Sure. (turns off the TV) Rach, you said you wanted to talk
to me about your raise?
Rachel:
Oh, yeah, I just wanted to brag. I went
in there, and I said, “Mr. Zelner, I demand a raise. I am worth more to this company than
everybody.” Then you know what happened?
Ross:
A) He fired you, or B) you woke up?
Rachel:
Yeah. B.
But if I could, would I not get a raise like BAM! (snaps)
Scene
5: Joey’s Apartment
(Monica
walks in)
(Joey
is grunting like a caveman;
Monica:
Oops, there having guy time. (exits) Man, it’s a miracle
he’s ever tame.
Scene
6: Monica’s Apartment
(Ross
gets up from his chair)
Ross:
(he grabs Rachel, leans her back, and runs his hand through her hair) Oh, mah
beauty. ‘Ou are a diamond among
rubies. Take mah hand and I weell take
‘ou to plazes ‘ou ‘ave never been.
Rachel:
Ross, are you feeling all right?
Ross:
No, mah dear. Do not speak. Only feel. (makes circular motions with
his hand while snapping)
Rachel:
(singing) You wonder what it’s gonna take to get to
me. (jumps out of Ross’s glance) You wonder what it’s
like to be with me (pushes him away but tempts him forward; Ross gets a ferocious
look in his eye; comes back) But you know that it takes more than a soft touch.
(moves her hips, which Ross grabs) But be wary, ‘cause I might be too much. (she and
Ross start to dance, semi-tango style)
(Monica
walks in)
Rachel:
And I fall… (falls into Ross’s outstretched hand and
grabs his other forearm) But will you be there to pick me up? (he pulls her up and spins her) ‘Cause I know… I’m just too much.
(abruptly leans back)
Monica:
Oh brother. What’s gotten into you two?
Scene
7: Central Perk
(Gunther
serves Phoebe a cup of coffee from a tray)
Phoebe:
Thank you, Gunther.
Gunther:
Anything else?
Phoebe:
Oh, you have any blueberry muffins?
Gunther:
Yeah, we’re baking a new batch. They’ll
be done in a second. (subconsciously snaps and walks
away)
(Phoebe
appears in a trance)
Gunther:
Pheebs, here they are. (hold out a tray)
Phoebe:
(jumps us) Hwah! (kicks the tray, the shifts her weight
to the other foot and kicks the muffin into a window, which shatters)
(she falls to the ground in the splits and catches the tray,
and uses her legs to propel herself back up, and throws the tray,
Frisbee-style, toward the counter)
(Jessica,
behind the counter, leans back, catching the counter behind her, as the tray
slices above her into wall; unable to regain her balance, is stuck in a Matrix-like position)
Jessica:
Help…?
Gunther:
(from the floor) Okay, I guess they were a bit overcooked.
Scene
8: Monica’s Apartment
(Ross
and Rachel start kissing)
Monica:
Whoa! Hold a second, Ross.
Ross:
Madame Monica, mah siztare, how may I help ‘ou?
Monica:
Oh my gosh, you’re talking with a French accent! You’re hypnotized again.
Ross:
Yes, eet eez a bee-yoo-tee-ful language French eez. Heep-noh-teek,
ay admeet.
Monica:
Rachel?
Rachel:
Monica, baby, you’re brother is, like, hot.
Totally awesome, and, like, a great dancer. I think it’s time for another number. (starts to sing) I said I was over you. (motions
to Ross) You said you were over me. (motions to
herself; sways and bounces her shoulders) But, is that true? How can that be? You were in my heart. (hand
across her chest) You were in my soul. (makes a fist)
Why did we part? Why does this take such
a toll?
Monica:
I think I saw this on Buffy once.
Rachel:
(singing) Pain doesn’t hold what love can endure. Something will stay with me; this, I am
sure. Lands can shake and rivers can
flood. (shakes her hands and drops them) But mountains
don’t break, and stop flowing will the blood. (feels
Ross’s arm) My heart may have broken, thought not beyond repair. And when I needed someone most, you were
right there. (points to Ross, presses against him) I
couldn’t live with you, but now can’t live without. (puts
his hands on her hips) With the fading of rue, love is what it’s all about. (presses her head against Ross, looking away, and snaps)
Ross:
Rachel, why are we standing like this?
Rachel:
I have no idea.
Monica:
(British accent) It’s quite simple if you really thing about it. The hypnosis that we had received must have
residual effects. Apparently, the
snapping of fingers seems to trigger the spurious psyche. We must speak to Phoebe about this.
Rachel:
Monica, why are you talking so funny?
Monica:
My speech is impeccable. Just because I
have correct grammar and stately enunciation does not constitute oddity. And by the way, Miss Green, “funny” is an
adjective, not an adverb.
(^_^
‑ That’s
odd. Hermione Granger just popped into
my head)
Rachel:
Ross, didn’t you once use that line on me?
Monica:
This coming from the woman who just previously was dancing like a courtesan.
Rachel:
Hey, I don’t appreciate that. Ross,
what’s a courtesan?
Ross:
You saw Moulin Rouge?
Rachel:
Oh. I remember that now. (to Prof. Monica) Hey!
Ross:
I suspect that Monica became somewhat of a professor.
Monica:
Indeed.
(monkey sounds coming from the hallway)
Monica:
Oh my. It’s Chando. (opens
the door)
(
Monica:
Chando! Come here!
(
Monica:
Sit. (
Rachel:
Monica, you know that’s your husband.
Monica:
(haughty laugh) What are you talking about? This is Chando, a Javanese Macaque adult
male.
Rachel:
Yeah, sure, whatever.
Ross:
Shouldn’t we take them out of it?
Rachel:
Just a sec, I want to see what “Chando” does next.
Monica:
Chando, get down from the counters.
Rachel:
Okay, now.
Ross:
Wait, how do cover our ears and snap at the same time?
Rachel:
Huh. Never thought
about that.
Ross:
Hey, if you cover your ears with your upper arms, you can hold my ears while I
snap.
Rachel:
I don’t know. Let’s try it. (covers her ears with her arm, then leans over of cover
Ross’s ears)
Ross:
This looks very strange.
Rachel:
You think?
Ross:
Here. (he tears pieces of newspaper and they stuff
them in their ears; he snaps)
Monica:
Ross:
Uh, the hypnosis has residual effects.
Don’t snap.
Monica:
Okay. Just a second, I need to cut out a
newspaper article about my restaurant. (goes to cut
it) Hey, someone ripped a part of it!
Ross:
Oh. (pulls the newspaper out of his ear) Here.
Monica:
No, I get another copy.
(they run out)
(Joey’s
door is open)
Scene
9: Streets of
(Joey
walking around, slouched, carrying a chair leg)
Joey:
Jo-ee (pounds chest) find meat.
(a block away)
(Phoebe
walking around, poised)
Joey:
(sees Phoebe) Woman. (quickens his pace; his club
raised in the air)
Phoebe:
(sees Joey) Hmm, an adversary. (as Joey approaches,
Phoebe karate-chops his “club” in half, creating a snapping sound) Joey?
Joey:
Pheebs, what’s going on? And why am I
not erect? My body, I mean.
Phoebe:
Beats me. Ooh, a costume shop.
Joey:
(to himself) I was watching the Addams Family, then I’m here.
Maybe I had too many beers.
Phoebe:
Ooh, I love that show!
Joey:
(singing) They’re creepy and they’re kooky.
Phoebe:
(singing) They’re altogether spooky.
Joey:
Mysterious and ooky.
The Addams Family. Duh duh duh dunt.
Phoebe:
Duh duh duh dunt.
Joey
and Phoebe: (in unison) Duh duh duh dunt.
(a truck comes by an honks)
Phoebe:
How rude. Where were we?
Joey:
That whole “Duh duh duh dunt, duh duh duh dunt, duh duh duh dunt.”
(they snap)
Scene
10: Monica’s Apartment
(the gang panicking)
Monica:
Okay, it’s going to be fine. How much
can damage can a caveman inflict? That
wasn’t helpful, was it?
Ross:
Way to go. Now I’m dying to snap.
Monica:
Oh, you will not snap. Who knows what
could happen?
Ross:
Hey.
Rachel:
And I’ll be trying to outdo Britney Spears.
Monica:
You’re better than Britney Spears. You
improvised three songs.
Rachel:
Hey, hey, hey. I am still 30. (beat) That would sound so much better if I was still 29.
(the oven beeps, causing everyone to jump)
Monica:
It’s okay; just the oven. (takes
it out and sets in on the table, which creaks)
(they all jump to the table to keep a leg from breaking)
Ross:
Close one.
Ross:
Let’s watch some TV.
(turns it on, and they look in horror)
TV:
Duh duh duh dunt. Snap snap.
Scene
11: Costume Shop
(Joey
jumps at Phoebe, who kicks him through the window of the costume shop)
Scene
12: Monica’s Apartment
(Rachel
and Ross lying atop each other on the couch)
Rachel:
(awakes) What happened? I’m not a pop princess! I wonder why not.
TV:
This concludes the study of the Amazon snapping turtle. Tune in next week to meet the exotic capuchin
monkey.
(turns off the TV)
Rachel:
(sees Ross) Uh-oh.
Ross:
(awakes) Wow, I’m a not French anymore.
Rachel:
I wouldn’t say that. You’ve got on most
of my lipstick.
Ross:
(wipes his lips and chuckles)
Rachel:
How did the channel get switched?
Ross:
I think someone sat on the remote control.
Rachel:
On the coffee table?
Ross:
Well, seeing that all the magazines have been thrown to the floor. You hypnotized character is quite a flirt…
Rachel:
And yours is heh heh heh… Where’s Mon and Chando?
(Monica
walks in with
Monica:
(talking into a recorder) Chando today learned to eat with a knife and
fork. Though his hand structure made the
placement of fingers awkward, I’m sure he will learn to improvise)
(a close-up of
Monica:
C’mere, Chando. Want some grapes?
Ross:
Cover your ears. (he and Rachel do)
(the table snaps)
Monica:
(holding the recorder) What am I doing?
Monica:
What am I doing with this? (rewinds the recorder)
Recorder:
(Monica’s voice) Remember to wash the window with flower-scented window spray
for spring. Next Tuesday is Toilet Bowl
Cleaning Day. Remember to refresh the
deodorizer. Try not to use up the
cinnamon kind. (buzz)
(British accent) Chando today is getting very frisky. I must learn to either wear pants or tighter
skirts.
(Monica
cuts it off)
Monica:
So, you two okay?
Rachel:
Yeah. No…well.
Monica:
By the way, Ross, nice lipstick. (he rolls his eyes
and goes into the bathroom) We still need to find Joey and Pheebs. Where could they be?
Scene
13: The Costume Shop
(Phoebe
walks out donning karate gear; Joey in a Flintstone-esque loincloth)
(the other four run up; put earplugs in, and snap)
Phoebe: Whoa! What happened?
Rachel:
There were residual effects from the hypnosis. (pause)
Hey, I said it right. I’ve been
practicing since we left.
Phoebe:
Oh, I’m going to have to talk to her.
Monica:
She’s left town. We already called.
Phoebe:
Well, we can’t just go on with these Jeckle-and-Hyde changes every time we hear
a snap.
Monica:
It’s okay. I’ve booked us with the
police psychologist in a couple of days.
Phoebe:
But I have a date tonight!
Ross:
And I’ve got a class in a few hours.
Monica: As long as there’s no snapping.
Scene
14: Ross’s Classroom
(Ross
enters)
Ross:
(nervous) Hey, guys. Listen, we’re just
going over the primary Mesozoic Era predators today. My friend took me to hypnotist, so nobody
snap and we can get a lot done today.
(the great majority of the class snaps loudly in unison)
Ross:
(French accent) Ah… an AUD-eenence. And I deed not have any spee-ches
prepared. If only my wonderful Rachel
was here. Zhe
con seeng like an angel. Well, not an angel, so to speak.
Female
Student: Should we snap again? I don’t
know anything about the Mesozaic Era.
Male:
Me neither, but this is twice as bad as his phony British accent.
Scene
15: A Fancy Restaurant
(Phoebe’s
date, CJ, talks with Phoebe)
CJ:
So, what do you do?
Phoebe:
I’m a masseuse. But I also write songs.
CJ:
Really. Do you perform them?
Phoebe:
At a coffeehouse, yeah.
CJ:
(as a waiter passes; he snaps) A bottle of house wine, please.
Waiter:
Yes, sir.
CJ:
You were saying? (Phoebe gets up) Restroom?
Phoebe:
Yah! (kicks the table, causing everything to fall off)
CJ:
Whoa.
Waiter:
Sir, your wine?
(Phoebe
kicks the tray, grabs it in midair, and kicks the bottle of wine, shattering
it, and splashing CJ with the wine; she throws the tray, Frisbee-style)
(Keanu
Reeves jumps from his chair, and as everything around him switches to slow
motion, he grabs the tray, and throws it back)
(Phoebe
kicks it in midair; the tray goes left and knocks off a guy’s toupee into his
soup, while the tray hits the head of his young, voluptuous date)
(Phoebe
jumps on the table, as does Keanu, and they lunge
toward each other; things freeze in midair, and the camera encircles them)
(COMMERCIAL
BREAK)
(ENDING
CREDITS)
Scene
16: A Television
(we see it from far away)
(CREDIT:
Debbie Matenopolous
as Jessica Williams)
TV:
(we close in on the screen) They’re creepy and they’re
kooky. They’re mysterious and
spooky. Their
altogether ooky.
(CREDIT:
Keanu Reeves as Restaurant Fighter)
(we
see Ross dressed as Gomez, complete with mustache; Rachel as Mortitia, a wig
and white make-up; Chandler as Pugsley, in the striped shirt and dumb grin;
Monica as Wednesday, her hair braided, her expression grave; Joey as Uncle
Fester, with a bald head, and bugged eyes; Phoebe as Granny, with a gray wig
and funny teeth; the duck as Lurch, with a miniature Frankenstein head; and the
chicken as Thing, a hand costume over her head with a hole for her face; and
Gunther as Cousin Itt, at least we think it’s Gunther under that floor‑length bleached hair)
(CREDIT:
Robert Downey, Jr. as CJ)
(END)
A/N:
Okay, note to self, too much fun. Okay,
what did you think? Too
zany? If so, that’s what I was
going for. If not, please give me hints
of how to improve it (or worsen it).
Well, that’s all I have for now.
In
the work:
The
High School Days series: Yeah, parts 3-5.
Working on it.
I promise. Summary (I’ve been
forgetting these) The Friends and the New Friends in high school. Part 3: A school play is about to be cut
before opening night, and a student outdoes a teacher. Part 4: A band competition with
unexpected occurrences, and a dance festival with a jealous girl. Part 5: A school dance with angry
Rachel, dateless Jessica, and an unexpected attendee.
^_^ - Duh duh duh dunt. Snap
snap. -------------------O Watch the pretty
coin of gold.
©2002. Created