The One Where They’re
Hypnotized Again
by Godeerc VanDrey
Category: Friends
Genre: General, Humor
Rating: PG
Language: English
Summery: Season 9, around TOW Monica Sings:
A/N: Yep, I’m doing another one. This is merely adding to the already
overwhelming number of stories I have in the works, but inspiration has struck,
and there’s nothing I can do. I hope
this one’s funny as the last one.
Scene
1: Central Perk
(Phoebe
walks in; the rest are already there)
Phoebe:
Hey, guys. I’ve got this great idea for
my birthday party.
Monica:
Phoebe, we already celebrated your birthday party several months ago. We all went to dinner remember?
Phoebe:
Yeah. Me and
Joey waited over an hour for you guys to arrive. Then we were moved to a table that was too
small. Then, you two (points to Ross and
Rachel, who jump) brought Emma and Judy.
And then you all left!
Rachel:
We left because you left to go see Mike.
Phoebe:
Oh, yeah. Well, we left Joey all alone.
Joey:
I had to eat six meals and a whole cake! (pause) It was awesome! Until I got the bill.
(OPENING
CREDITS)
(COMMERCIAL
BREAK)
Scene
2: Phoebe’s Apartment
(A
handwritten sign is hanging above the door stating “HAPPY BIRTHDAY, ME!”)
(Joey
walks up to Phoebe)
Joey:
Pheebs, can I ask you a question?
Phoebe:
(looks back and forth) Yes,
Joey:
I’m Joey.
Phoebe:
Oh, yeah. I forgot. Sorry, Honey.
Is it about our date tonight?
Joey:
We don’t have a date tonight.
Phoebe:
Oh, yeah. I forgot. I’m so flaky.
Joey:
You know, if I didn’t know any better, I’d think you were Ursula.
Ursula:
(takes off her name tag stating “URSULA”) Yeah.
Real
Phoebe: Ursula, I thought you had work.
Ursula:
Oh, yeah. (leaves)
Joey:
Pheebs, what’s the entertainment going to be?
Phoebe:
I tried to get one of those people who jump out of a cake.
Joey:
Nice.
Phoebe:
Male.
Joey:
Ew.
Phoebe:
But I had to get Esmeralda again.
Monica:
The hypnotist? Pheebs,
are you crazy? She left us hypnotized
last time.
Phoebe:
Oh, come on. What are the chances that
she’ll do it again?
Monica:
Not unlikely.
Ross:
(runs up) Pheebs, did you get that psycho hypnotist lady to come to the party?
Phoebe:
See, Ross liked her. I would too if I
ended up making out with Rachel. (Rachel walks up with Emma)
Phoebe:
Though, I do think you two should slow down for obvious reasons. Hey, Emma. (plays
with her)
(Ross
and Rachel roll their eyes)
(Esmeralda
is talking to Gunther when she goes to the stereo and plays a different song)
(it’s
“Macho, Macho Man”)
(Gunther
begins to dance very
enthusiastically)
Esmeralda:
Hey, guys. How’s it going?
Rachel:
What did you do to Gunther?
Esmeralda:
(laughing) Oh, I didn’t do that. He just
said he like that song. I didn’t
hypnotize him, if that’s what you’re thinking.
(Gunther
dances out the door, swinging his arms)
Esmeralda:
So, who wants to go first?
(dead
silence)
(Emma
babbles)
Rachel:
Shh! You’ll
get up picked. Shoot. (passes Emma to
Ross and sits on a stool)
Ross:
You know, we could sue you for this.
Esmeralda:
How?
Ross:
You hypnotized us and left us last time.
I don’t think that’s legal.
Esmeralda:
You have no proof that I hypnotized you.
You all could have just have been having a really odd day.
(the
gang exchanges glances)
Esmeralda:
If it makes you feel any better, I’m now a certified hypnotherapist. I could give you each a free session right
here, right now to make up for it.
Joey:
Great entertainment, Pheebs. (she gives him a “Sorry” look)
Esmeralda:
Okay. (to Rachel on the stool) Rachel, I want you to close your eyes. I want you to relax yourself completely. Start with your toes and work up. Imagine yourself in an elevator, descending
very quickly. With every floor, you fall
deeper into that relaxation. Now, tell
me about yourself. Start from the
beginning.
Rachel:
(eyes closed, swaying) Well, I grew up in a wealthy family. I was set to marry this guy several years
ago, but that obviously didn’t work out.
I sorta became independent and now I work at
Ralph Lauren. I have a new daughter,
Emma, with Ross.
Esmeralda:
You became independent, you say? Sort of. I think you
still rely on others. Now, I’m not
saying that’s bad necessarily. But
here’s what I would like you to do.
Whenever you’re with your daughter, I want you to think of yourself with
great authority.
Monica:
Female empowerment. I went to a class on
this once.
Esmeralda:
Ah, our next volunteer.
Monica:
Second? I didn’t win this time. (sulks)
Esmeralda:
Our third. How enthusiastic you six are.
(to Rachel, eyes still closed) Rachel, can you hear me?
Rachel:
(swaying) Yes…
Ross:
Emma, Honey, Mommy may act strange. But
don’t worry.
Esmeralda:
Four already. If you all would like to
prepare, relax while imagining the elevator, too.
(the
gang all close their eyes and slouch in their seats)
Esmeralda:
When you hear me say the word, “sleep,” I want you to relax completely. And sleep. (each one collapses with
completely limpness into their seat) Works every time. Rachel, whenever you see the color pink, I
want you to become like the most power female figure you can think of; who is
that?
Rachel:
I had a nanny once, Mrs. Carlshire; she was from
Esmeralda:
Perfect. If you become like her, I think
you may find yourself with those much-loved values. All, awake!
(they
pop up)
Rachel:
Whoa, what happened? (scampers off the stool) Mon, what did she make me do?
Monica:
(rubbing her eyes) Nothing. Just gave
you this weird empowerment speech.
Rachel:
(perturbed) Okay. I remember that.
Esmeralda:
(to Monica getting on the stool) Close your eyes. (Monica sits up straight with
her eyes closed) Shh, relax, Sweetie. Calm down.
Let your tensions out. (Monica slumps and sways) Tell me about yourself.
Monica:
(continuously) Well, I’m head chef at a great restaurant. I’m married.
I don’t have children yet, but we’re trying.
Esmeralda:
Slow down. You’re acting as if you’re
too stressed out. I want you to relax a
bit. Sit down every once in a
while. You don’t have to be perfect all
the time.
Ross:
Joey, Pheebs, how did you two keep quiet?
(they
have both scotch‑taped their mouths shut)
Esmeralda:
What happens when life gets to hectic for you, Monica?
Monica:
Oh, I trip over myself. When I’m
cooking, I usually drop stuff. I bump
into people. I make a mess. (shivers)
Esmerelda: Sleep. (everyone goes limp again) When you see these signs of a
hectic life, I want you to consider slowing down, relaxing. Letting it all go. (abruptly)
Awake. (claps)
Monica:
Huh?
Esmeralda:
Next.
Monica:
Esmeralda:
So, tell me
Esmeralda:
Close your eyes.
Esmeralda:
Okay…
Esmeralda:
You feel burdened.
Esmeralda:
That’s a problem. Sleep. (they collapse
on the couch) Next time something happens that you would usually ignore, some
annoyance, instead of bottling it up, let it go. Let it all go. Take control. Awake.
Esmeralda:
Yes.
Ross:
Nada. Zip. Zilch. But I keep dozing off.
Esmeralda:
Ross, tell me about yourself.
Ross:
(closes his eyes) Well, I’m well-known for having been divorced three times,
but the third time shouldn’t count. I
have a son who’s seven; he’ll turn eight in April. I just had my second child, a girl, Emma, with
Rachel. And I’m a paleontology professor
at NYU.
Esmeralda:
Yes, very objective. I get the feeling
you’ve been hardened by all this. Three
ex‑wives… two illegitimate
children… a job you love, but that has ceased to be exciting…
Ross:
It’s still exciting. In fact, I’m doing
some research on…
Esmeralda:
You don’t need excitement, Ross. You
need peace. You do seem to be a caring
man, but I’m afraid it might only be a one‑way thing.
You need to let others in. Then
you can let more of yourself out. And a truer form of yourself. Ross, tell me, what is it that you really long
for?
Ross:
I have a great job and a great circle of friends, but everyone knows that I’m
looking to settle down, get married, that kind of thing.
Esmeralda:
Sleep. (everyone goes limp) Whenever you see the sun, I want you to let that
caring man in you out. The unburdened man.
The man who knows his life is wonderful.
Imagine that your dream has come true.
Awake.
Ross:
Is that it? (eyes open)
Esmeralda:
And we’ll need another volunteer.
(Joey
and Phoebe look at each other; Phoebe pulls off Joey’s tape)
Joey:
Ow! That hurt! And that’s cheating!
Phoebe:
(pulls her own off) Only if you lose!
And, ow!
That does hurts. (suddenly apologetic) Sorry, Joe.
Esmeralda:
Joey, come up, then we’ll have the birthday girl. (to Joey on the stool) Tell
me about yourself.
Joey:
Uh, I play Dr. Drake Ramoray on Days of Our Lives. I live
alone. Well, Rachel lives with me, but
it’s only temporary. I date a lot. I enjoy eating sub sandwiches, watching Baywatch, and long walks
on the beach. Except
for that last part. Sand gets in
my shoes.
Esmeralda:
Of course. You say you date a lot? I think maybe you’re looking too hard for love.
Phoebe:
I doubt it.
Esmeralda:
You live alone. I think you should spend
a little time thinking about your life.
Esmeralda:
You are so much chattier when you’re done.
Monica:
Well, last time, we were all asleep after we were done.
Esmeralda:
Oh, right. Joey, I want you to stop at
times and examine your life. Sleep.
(everyone goes limp) When you sit down, to drink a beer, for example, I want
you to look at your life with new eyes. Tell me, who is the person that would be the
most disapproving of your actions?
Joey:
(in a trance) That would be Father Garibaldi.
He was my priest when I was a kid, and he always giving sermons on moral
living.
Esmeralda:
Put yourself in his shoes. Awake.
Joey:
(eyes pop open) Whoa.
Phoebe:
Coming on up.
Esmeralda:
Now, Phoebe, close your eyes. I want you
to take off all your… (her cell phone rings; she
answers it) Hello? Hey. No, Godeerc, please don’t tell Todd. I won’t do it. Temptation just struck. The other stuff? You’re being paranoid. Bye. (hangs up) Phoebe, scratch that. Tell me about your life.
Phoebe:
I’m a masseuse. I live alone. I’ve got a boyfriend, Mike. He’s really great. I haven’t had a boyfriend in, like, forever.
Esmeralda:
Phoebe, do you enjoy being a masseuse? I
think you like it, but I think you also long for more success. Your new boyfriend seems to be your way of
branching out into the world. Sleep.
(they collapse) You seem to have the strength to go out and conquer the
world. I think you should try it. Make it worth it to Mike. Next time you see him, and from now on, I want
you to imagine yourself differently and just be that person.
(her
watch beeps)
Esmeralda:
Dang, I got to get to that other party at five. Listen all, (to the motionless friends, when the
clock strikes five, go on with your lives and ponder my words always. (evil
smile)
(her
phone rings)
Esmeralda:
(looking at screen) Hmm, it’s Godeerc.
Oh, well. (puts it in her pocket and leaves)
(time
lapse)
(a
clock chimes five times)
Rachel:
(finds herself waking up on the couch) Hello?
Monica:
(from the floor) Huh?
Joey:
(from the floor) How you doin’?
Monica:
Joey, get off me.
(they
get up)
Phoebe:
(gets up off the stool, which is knocked over) Well, that was restful. I can’t believe she did it again. That was uncomfortable.
Monica:
You should see Ross.
(Ross
is lying twisted on his shoulder with his leg hooked to the arm of a chair)
Rachel:
Nah. He ends up that way every time he tries
sleeping on the couch.
Monica:
Why would he sleep on the couch?
Rachel: Let’s say something he changes Emma on his bed or she’ll throw up on
it.
Joey:
Ever happen to you?
Rachel:
No. I may not be the Ph.D., but I know
not to let my baby daughter on my bed.
Ross, get up.
Ross:
No, it’s your turn to change her. I’ve
been up all night.
Monica: Ross, you’re at Phoebe’s house. It’s five o’clock in the afternoon. And that means we’ve been asleep for only five minutes.
(Ross
turns his neck and it snaps)
(they
all gasp)
Monica:
Did we change personalities?
Rachel:
I don’t think so. We’re all in the same
spots.
Monica:
Where’s
(we
see his feet from behind a love seat)
Monica:
We fell asleep for like five minutes.
And we don’t think she hypnotized us.
Phoebe:
She didn’t. She just gave us
inspirational speeches. Well, you guys
can go home. This party was a bust.
(Gunther
comes back in, discoing)
Gunther:
‘Cause I wanna be… a macho
man…
Rachel:
Then he’s definitely gonna need to try harder…
Scene
3: Ross’s Apartment
(Rachel
and Ross walk in)
Rachel:
So, thanks for taking Emma for the night.
Ross:
Sure. Bring her to me anytime. I want more than visiting rights for at least
one of my kids.
Rachel:
Yeah. Sorry I moved out, but things
weren’t working out.
Ross:
I knew they weren’t. It’s just
complicated, isn’t it?
Rachel:
That’s an understatement. (they exchange glances) But this is no time for
could-have-been’s. You got a blanket for Emma? This one’s filthy.
Ross:
Here’s a pink one.
Rachel:
(she takes it but only stares at it for a moment; in a
Ross:
It’s okay. She’s a good girl.
Rachel:
Good teachings make good girls.
Ross:
(laughs) Glad to see you thinking that way.
Rachel:
Thank you, Ross.
Ross:
I mean, I want to spoil her. But at the same time, I don’t.
Rachel:
As do
Ross:
Right. You’re in mother mode.
Rachel:
I try to stay in it around Emma. (points to him with the rattle again)
Ross:
(takes it away playfully; it’s shaped like a sun at the top with a cartoon
smiling face; in a soft voice) You know.
She’s beautiful.
Rachel:
She is.
Ross:
(gives Rachel a loving glance, which she doesn’t see) Like her mother.
Rachel:
(gives him a flirty glance) Thank you, but don’t start that, young man.
Ross:
In darkness and in light/in courage and in fright/whether skies are gray or
blue/I will always, always love you.
Rachel:
That’s very pretty. Where is it from?
Ross:
(exhales deeply with satisfaction) I don’t know whether I made it up or
what. Listen, I’m going to bed. (pauses
as he smiles at Rachel) You coming, Sweetheart?
Rachel:
(pause) In a minute. (she pauses to smile at Emma) Your daddy is quite a lady‑killer. Now, I’m not saying don’t fall in love, just
be yourself, don’t be his. My nanny
taught me things which I will teach you someday. These are the reasons your father and I are
still happily married. (she follows Ross into his room)
(COMMERCIAL
BREAK)
Scene
4: Joey’s Apartment
(the
middle of the night)
Joey:
(yawns) Boy, am I hungry. Better not
wake Emma. (sees her cradle empty) Maybe she’s at Ross’s. (looks in the fridge)
Nothing. I have
got to restock. Can’t go to Mon and
Chan’s. They’ll think I’m a burglar, and
Monica will hit me with a bat again while
Scene
5: Ross’s Bedroom
(the
next morning)
Ross:
(wakes up to the sunrise) Pretty. (sees Rachel in bed beside him; becomes perturbed)
Okay, Ross, stop and think. Rachel is in
bed with you. Why would she be in bed
with you? She’s not drunk. She doesn’t smell like alcohol. You don’t have a hangover, so you’re not. I’d better ask her. (rouses her) Rach?
Rachel:
(New
Ross:
You in my bed. (mouths “Honey” with confusion)
Rachel:
Your bed? Ross, we are married. We have a child together for goodness sake. We share things now.
Ross:
What?
Rachel:
(gets out) Ow. (picks up the sun rattle) Ross, you
mustn’t leave this on the ground. People
could get hurt.
Ross:
Mustn’t? Since when do you use that
word? (sees the rattle and stares for a moment) Sorry? What’s wrong, Honey?
Rachel:
You’re acting strange, Dear. You ask me why
I was in your bed.
Ross:
Really? I must have been half
asleep. Or so amazed that I wasn’t
dreaming when I thought I was married to you. (smiles)
Rachel:
(smiles and kisses him) You know, one of these days, that
isn’t going to work. And speaking of work.
We’d better get ready. I’ll go
feed Emma.
Ross:
What a beautiful morning. You know; it’s
casual Friday.
(the
calendar says it’s Tuesday)
Scene
6: Emma’s “Room”
(Emma
is stirring)
Rachel:
(picks her up and shushes her) What a pretty blanket. You were a good girl. You slept all night. But you need breakfast.
(the
phone rings)
Rachel:
Hello?
Joey:
Hey, Rach, this is Joey. Why didn’t you come home last night?
Rachel:
I don’t think so. I mean, I remember
putting Emma down here at Ross’s and then, I forget. Maybe I crashed on Ross’s couch. Weird.
Ross:
(enters wearing navy blue slacks, a butter‑colored shirt, and no tie) What do you want for
breakfast, Honey?
Rachel:
Just a second, Ross, I’m on the phone. (mouth “Honey”) Yeah,
sorry. I guess I was really
tired. (lowers her voice) Ross may have been too. He’s acting kinda funny. (hangs up) Sorry, I didn’t go home last night.
Ross:
What? (shades his eyes from the sun) What?
Rachel:
I didn’t go home last night.
Ross:
Yeah, I was going to ask you about that. (looks around) How did I get into the
kitchen?
Rachel:
You walked in.
Ross:
I must be really tired. I’m having
memory lapses
Rachel:
Me too. I don’t remember coming in. And, yeah, didn’t go home.
Ross:
Yeah, that’s what I want to talk to you about. I found this morning in bed with me.
Rachel:
Oh, my gosh, Ross.
I’m sorry.
Ross:
It’s okay. It was an interesting
experience. Did you notice Emma was
quiet all night?
Rachel:
I don’t remember her crying once.
(Flashback:
Rachel, in her
Ross:
If I didn’t know any better, I’d think Esmeralda did something to us.
Rachel:
But she didn’t. That’s the weird
part. By the way, is it Casual Tuesday?
(Ross
looks at his shirt)
Scene
7: Monica and
(Monica
starts to cook breakfast)
Monica:
You haven’t eaten.
Monica:
Here. (flips him a couple of strips of bacon)
Monica:
Or I could not try that at my restaurant.
Monica:
See ya. (lays down the spatula on the counter to
check the oven) Biscuits are doing good. (she turns to
grab the spatula and it hits the ground; she stares at it; starts talking
casually, almost euphorically) Oh, well, never mind that. I wonder what’s on TV.
(the
bacon begins to smoke)
Scene
8: Rachel’s Office, Outside her Door
(Rachel
walks toward her office)
Rachel:
Things are going to be so awkward between Gavin and me.
(a
seamstress walks by with pink fabric, and bumps into Rachel)
Rachel:
(
(enters
her office and sees Gavin)
Gavin:
Rachel. We need to talk.
Rachel:
We do. Preliminary spring orders are due
Friday.
Gavin:
Not about that. About
us.
Rachel:
Yes, let us talk about us doing the
preliminary spring orders.
Gavin:
We kissed. And you rejected me ‘cause things were weird with Ross.
Rachel:
What? Sir, we have never kissed. And things are not weird between my husband
and me.
Gavin:
(mouths “Sir”) We have, too. And since
when are you and Ross married?
Rachel:
Since 1997. Do you really think I’d have
a child out of wedlock?
Gavin:
You were married when we kissed? For six
years?
Rachel:
We did not kiss! Gavin, I don’t know
what kind of crazy fantasies you’ve been harboring, but I will be taking to Mr.
Zellner about your behavior.
Gavin:
If you married, why don’t you wear a wedding ring?
Rachel:
I do. Look. (there isn’t one) Huh, Ross
must have taken it to jewelry shop.
Gavin:
Oh, my… (throws a pink scarf at her)
Rachel:
(looks at it) Huh? Gavin?
(sees him) Why are you mad?
Gavin:
‘Cause you’re denying that we kissed.
Rachel:
(does this “cut-it” guesture) Well, I try not to
mention it. Interoffice relations are
frowned upon. So, I’d quiet down in case
Mr. Zellner comes by.
Gavin:
Yeah, tell him about my “crazy fantasies.”
Rachel:
You have crazy fantasies? Wait, don’t
tell me. (holds up her hand)
Gavin:
Rachel, are feeling all right?
Rachel:
I don’t know. I keep losing focus. I mean, I don’t remember walking in here.
Gavin:
Rachel, you’re acting really weird.
Rachel:
(plops down in her chair) I don’t think I got enough sleep. I’d blame it on Emma, but she didn’t make a
peep last night.
Scene
9: Ross’s Class
(Ross
dramatically lectures to his students)
Ross:
…and that is why we cannot just
eliminate evolution.
Female
Student: (raises her hand and is called on) But what about recent DNA
experiments? They show otherwise.
Ross:
Good point, very good point. This girl has her head on straight. She is supporting her ideas. Anybody want to express a counterpoint
against her?
Male
Student: I’m not quite sure where I’m going with this, but I would have to cite
the fact that the geological time periods being studied aren’t consistent.
Ross:
Valid point. Can anyone finish his idea?
Another
Male Student: Well, without consistent geological time periods, we might look
at too small of a time frame… to witness changing. Evolution is a slow process.
Ross:
Absolutely. Ab-solutely. Now, we are getting
somewhere. You all have bright
minds. Very bright. Use them.
Take control. (holds up a fist)
(the
bell rings)
Ross:
Read the next section about the end of the Jurassic Age. Pay special attention to the changes the
herbivores went through in the next stage.
Scene
10: Outside the class
(students
talking)
Male
Student: Was it just me, or was the prof more
interesting today?
Female:
He was involved. Excited. He just made me feel like learning. That’s the first time class has been anything
like in those dumb promotional videos.
Another
Student: I just thought about something about that argument we were having…
Scene
11: Outside Monica and
(smoke
is coming out the door)
Rachel:
(comes up the stairs) Oh, my… Joey!
Joey:
(comes out of his apartment) I know. The
fire department is coming.
Monica:
(comes up the stairs; lethargically) Hey, guys.
Rachel:
Mon, your apartment’s on fire!
Monica:
I know. My stupid
biscuits just starting burning, all by themselves. But the fire was so pretty.
Rachel:
Mon, are you out of your mind?!
(the
firemen come by and run into Monica’s apartment)
Monica:
Did you see those hot firemen?
Joey:
Whoa. You are not allowed to see hot firemen. You are married.
Monica:
Oh, yeah. To that
dorky guy. What’s his name?
Rachel:
Mon! What happened? Did you leave them in the oven when you went
to work?
Monica:
Work?
Rachel:
You didn’t go to work?
Monica:
Forgot.
Joey:
Mon!
Monica:
You two need to calm down. Let’s go get
some beers. There on me.
Joey:
Okay. (follows her)
Rachel:
Joey!
Joey:
She’s obviously a little loopy. We’ve
got to get her out of the building.
Rachel:
And this has nothing to do with the free beer?
Joey:
Oh, and you don’t do things because you get something out of it? (leaves)
Fireman:
(to Rachel) Ma’am. The fire’s under
control. Come by later when we’ve gotten
everything straightened up.
Rachel:
Thanks. (mouths “Oh yeah” when she turns around) Hey, Mon, let me help you down
the stairs. (runs after her)
Scene
12: Central Perk
(Phoebe
singing;
Phoebe:
Hey,
Phoebe:
How’d the interview go?
Phoebe:
I was thinking about a new song about my mom killing herself. At least I think it’s new. I never number the pages on my songbook. Oh, here’s a good one.
(
Phoebe:
(singing) Tin can on the ground… dumpster in the distance… that’s what it’s
like when you’re surrounded by…
Phoebe:
Oh, have I sung this one before? Sorry.
Gunther:
(wide‑eyed) Absolutely. (runs off)
Phoebe:
…vampires bite your neck… and ghosts go…
Phoebe:
I know. I sung it at Halloween. You wanna come up
and sing with me?
Gunther:
Right here, sir.
Phoebe:
And the werewolves go, “Owwwwwwww!”
(Mike
enters)
Phoebe:
Hey, Mike. (stares)
Mike:
Wow, am I really that cute?
Phoebe:
Oh, sorry. I mean, I’m not saying you’re
not.
Mike:
Well, thanks.
Phoebe:
Oh, by the way. I’m thinking of
marketing a few of my songs. Would you
happen to know a record producer?
Mike:
No, not off the top of my head.
Phoebe:
I’ll have to start my own. I think I’ll
call it… Earth Tone Records.
Mike:
That’s original. Play Tone will never
know the difference.
Phoebe:
Well, I have to go back to my apartment. (grabs the paper from the table) Pick
three letters.
Mike:
Uh, okay. P… M… O…
Phoebe:
(grabs her cell phone and dials) Yes, please connect me with a
stockbroker. I don’t care which. (pause)
Yes, give me five hundred shares of PMO.
I don’t care what it stands for.
Buffay, Phoebe. Spell it any way
you like. (hangs up; impatiently waits five seconds and redials) Yes, connect
me with the stockbroker again. The same
guy! I just called you. Thank you. (pause) Yes, this is Phoebe
Buffay, how much money did I make? A thousand dollars? Thanks, move it all to… (mouths “Three letters” to Mike)
Mike:
KDD.
Phoebe:
…KDD. No, I’ll hold. How much did I make? (huffs) Leave it
there. I’ll call you tomorrow. (hangs up
and looks at Mike)
Phoebe:
Mike! When did you get here?
Mike:
Right before your random stock market purchase.
Phoebe:
What?
Mike:
You make a thousand dollars in like ten seconds. You told a stockbroker you’d call him
tomorrow.
Phoebe:
Wow. Gunther, was my coffee drugged?
Gunther:
Not that I know of.
(the
window crashes behind them, showing that
(Gunther
faints)
Mike:
Uh, wasn’t that
Phoebe:
I think so. (looks at him again, then picks up the World section of the
newspaper)
Scene
13: The Bar
(Joey,
Monica, and Rachel ordering)
Monica:
But, really. Fire is so pretty.
Rachel:
Monica, are you out of your mind? What
is wrong with you?
Monica:
I’m just… relaxed. (sways in her stool)
Rachel:
Relaxed… You know what? I don’t believe
it. Esmeralda did something.
Monica:
(almost slurring) She is so cool.
(the
bartender opens Joey’s beer)
Joey:
(stares at it) Sir, I will most certainly not indulge in alcohol. You!
All of you! You are drunken fools
who will burn in the fires of Hell.
Rachel:
(grabs him and sits him down) Oh, my gosh, Joey. What is wrong with you? I’ll kill that gypsy.
(the
bartender drops his bottle opener)
Monica:
Rachel, why are we in a bar?
Rachel:
Honey, you’re back! Esmeralda did
hypnotize us. It just has nothing to do
with snapping.
Joey:
(gets up) You! Young
lady. Put some decent clothes
on! It is not too late to repent!
Monica:
Is that why Joey’s acting strange?
Rachel:
Yeah. There’s gotta
be some kind of cue.
Monica:
Well, what did Joey do last?
Rachel:
We were standing here, talking, and the bartender opened his beer.
(the
bartender puts two beers in front of them)
Rachel:
Wait, open hers first. (closes her eyes)
(her
beer is opened)
Rachel:
Mon?
Monica:
Still here.
(the
bartender waits)
Rachel:
You can open the other now.
(he
does)
Muscular
Guy: Hey, you! Preacher! Shut up!
Joey:
I will not! God is in this place and he
wants you all to come back into the light.
Muscular
Guy: Oh, lights are going out, and I’ll be doing the outing.
Joey:
My Lord and Savior will protect me!
(Muscular
Guy goes to punch Joey, but a bouncer pulls him down)
(A/N:
I am in no way making fun of the Christian faith.)
Monica:
Joey.
Joey:
Monica. How are you doing?
Monica:
Good. Let’s get out of this pigpen.
Joey:
All right. Will Miss Green be accompanying
us?
Monica:
Of course.
Rachel:
Oh, Mon, your apartment caught on fire.
Monica:
What?!
Scene
14: Ross’s Apartment
(Ross
is playing with Emma)
Ross:
Yes, you are very pretty girl. You are
like an angel.
(there
is a knock on the door; Ross answers it)
(it’s
Rachel, Monica, and Joey)
Ross:
(carrying Emma) Rachel, why didn’t you just come in?
Rachel:
It’s rude. This is
(a
rapid session of clips as the gang runs into each other’s apartments, including
(the
keen eye will notice one such clip is of Kramer popping into Seinfeld’s
apartment)
(Rachel
sees Emma wrapped in her pink blanket)
Monica:
It’s about the hypnotism.
Ross:
Hypnotism? Rachel, what is she talking about?
Rachel:
I don’t know. (kisses him)
Ross:
Welcome home.
Monica:
Whoa, whoa, whoa! What was that?
Ross:
A welcome home kiss. What wrong with
that Monica? You’ve never been offended
by it before.
Monica:
One, yes I have. Two, you two don’t do
that anymore.
Rachel:
Why wouldn’t we? You and
Monica:
We’re married.
Ross:
So are we.
Monica:
No, you’re not.
Joey:
They most certainly are! I would never associate
myself with promiscuous hedonistic fornicators who have illegitimate children
out of matrimonial wedlock.
Monica:
Joey, you’re hypnotized. And there were three redundancies in that statement,
might I add. Rachel,
what re‑hypnotized
you?
Rachel:
I am not hypnotized.
Monica:
You all are, too! The
cue, the cue. Emma! Rachel, look at Emma.
Rachel: (looks at her) She’s very pretty.
So?
Monica:
When you look at Emma, you re‑hypnotize!
Rachel:
Okay. So that’s my cue!
Monica:
So, don’t look at Emma.
Rachel:
Okay. What’s Ross’s? Obviously not Emma.
(Emma
shakes her rattle; Ross looks at her)
Ross:
Hey, Mon. Rach,
when did you guys get here?
Rachel:
Ross, you’re back.
Ross:
I’ve been here. Don’t you have to go to
work? (checks his watch and is perturbed)
Rachel:
Ross, it’s lunch time!
You’ve been hypnotized all day!
Ross:
Wow. So Esmeralda did something?
Rachel:
Put Emma down in her playpen. I think
she’s my cue to re‑hypnotize. Her rattle may be yours.
Ross:
Wow. (puts her down) So, Joey, is this hypnotizing thing crazy or what?
Joey:
I believe hypnotism is an act of the Devil.
Satanism practiced by Wiccan she-devils.
Rachel:
Joey appears to think he’s a devout Catholic. Ridiculously devout.
Joey:
I am! I attend Mass daily and
confessions weekly. Every morning…
Monica:
(while Joey continues, “I make a prayer to the patron saints…”) Ross, do you
have any beer?
Ross:
Probably some in the fridge.
Joey:
Alcohol leads a man into temptation.
Rachel:
(laughs) Boy, is that true.
(Monica
returns with a beer)
Monica:
Joey, I am a bad girl. (Joey is
appalled) I drink. (opens the bottle and throws the opener behind her)
Joey:
How did I get here? I mean, one second,
I’m at the bar and bam, I’m at Ross’s.
Monica:
Tell me about it. (takes a swig) This must be strong stuff. (giggles)
Rachel:
Well, we got Joey back, but Mon’s hypnotized again. It’s like a… thing where things do things to
each other… and you can’t…
Ross:
Catch-22.
Rachel:
Yes!
Monica:
I don’t think hypnotized is the right word. (takes another swig; Ross takes it
from her)
Ross:
We need to get her home.
Rachel:
Problem. Her apartment caught fire
today.
Ross:
My gosh. Is it
okay?
Rachel:
Just the kitchen.
Ross:
That’s Monica’s favorite part.
Joey:
Arguably.
Ross:
Anyway, I remember leaving for work and walking that way, but nothing beyond
that. Memory seems to be sketchy during
states of hypnosis.
Rachel:
Well, let’s put Monica down on the couch. (she and Joey help her over there) We
need some kind of mindless entertainment for her. You have any soap operas recorded?
Ross:
(quickly) No!
Rachel:
Ross, we have a friend on Days of Our
Lives. You’re allowed to do that.
Ross:
(looks at his watch) Doesn’t matter. It’s
almost one. Soap operas are on right
now. (turns on the TV, which Monica and Joey watch)
Rachel:
And they’re gone.
(Joey
changes the channel to DOOL; he
watches it with a glazed look)
Ross:
Joe, you’re watching yourself? How
narcissistic is that?
Joey:
Hey! (looks at Rachel in question)
Rachel:
Like hell I’d know what it means.
Ross:
(thinks) Joe, it’s you again. (points; Joey looks and glazes over)
Rachel:
Monica seems careless.
Ross:
Yeah, like her normal level of uptight, only negative.
Rachel:
And us?
Ross:
Now that I think about it, you’ve been acting all mother-like and using really
correct grammar.
Rachel:
Reminds me of Mrs. Carlshire. Oh!
Ross:
What?
Rachel:
I remember thinking about her very recently.
I think Esmeralda somehow hypnotized me to act like her.
Ross:
And me?
Rachel:
Well, you’re dressed kind-of casual for a Tuesday. And you called me “Honey” this morning. And “Dear.”
Ross:
You called me “Honey,” too.
Rachel:
Mrs. Carlshire was married and it’s a big part of her
life.
Ross:
Esmeralda talked to me about imagining my life as I wanted it.
Rachel:
Married.
Ross:
So that’s why we’ve been kissing. (touches his lips)
Rachel:
Yeah. You mean guys notice that?
Ross:
You mean women do?
Rachel:
Of course they do!
Ross:
Yeah, I know. But I let out a guy secret
and… (grumbles)
Rachel:
Well, we gotta find
(COMMERCIAL
BREAK)
Scene
15: Outside Monica and
(Ross
and Rachel meet up Phoebe)
Ross:
Pheebs!
Phoebe:
Hey, Ross! Rachel! What’s happening?
Rachel: Esmeralda did it again! We’re
hypnotized.
Phoebe:
(sighs disappointedly and pulls out her cell phone) Yo,
Godeerc, Esmeralda’s at it again. Could
you have one of your legal connections work on this? (pauses) Thank you. (to
Ross and Rachel) Problem taken care of. I have a civil attorney work on getting
retributions for the damage to Monica’s apartment. We will have to look into finding someone in
the hypnotherapy field to undo this. So,
don’t worry about it. I got it all under
control.
Rachel:
(speechless) Oh. That was… efficient.
Phoebe:
Well, now that’s that taken care of, I have something for you to sign. (hands
them pieces of paper out of satchel, the letters RG emblazoned on it)
Ross:
These are contracts for the opening of Swiss bank accounts.
Rachel:
(tilts her head at the paper, clueless) But of course.
Phoebe:
They’re joint savings accounts in
Ross:
Assassinated?!
Phoebe:
Yes, I’m planning to take over
Rachel:
And we’ll be millionaires?
Phoebe:
You can’t withdraw without my signature or my death certificate.
Ross:
(smiles) What stops us from assassinating you to get the money?
Phoebe:
My secret police. (half-grins)
(Ross
pulls a pen from his pocket and signs the bottom of the contract; Rachel
snatches it from him when he’s done and does the same)
Phoebe:
(takes them) Thank you. I’ll get back to
you with your positions in my government.
Expect a seven-digit supplementary salary by 2006.
(ENDING
CREDITS)
(a
police officer walks up)
Police
Officer: Excuse me; we’ve looking for Mr. Chandler Bing. We were informed that he lives here.
Ross:
Uh, he’s not here right now. What has he
done?
Police
Officer: He’s under suspicion for multiple aggravated assault charges,
including four against law enforcement officers.
Ross:
Four against a law enforcement
officer? How did you not catch him?
Police
Officer: He appeared highly trained in several fighting styles. The four policemen were found handcuffed to a
tree in
Police
Officer’s Radio: Hey, Dan, this is Jason, about your 10-32, he’s been spotted
near the Lexington Military Base. We
need you down here immediately. Approach
with caution, I repeat, approach with caution.
Rachel:
(laughs) It’s gotta be a different Chandler Bing. (grabs Phoebe and Ross and shoves them
into her apartment and runs in after them)
(END)
A/N:
Whoo-hoo. I
finally got this one whipped up into shape.
Really, I had to drag this story out of the mud. You wouldn’t believe how bad it started
out. Anyway, I am taking a hiatus from fanficion to complete the much-anticipated Diana Owler story I’ve been working on. It has a Christmas deadline that I can’t
miss, especially since the original deadline was in July.
^_^
- Coming to a theater near you: The Bing
Identity and The Buffay
Insurgency, based on the bestselling books by
Robert Ludlum.