The One With
the Decongestants
by
Godeerc VanDrey
Genre: General/Humor
Rating: PG
Language: English
Summery: Season 6: Soon after Ross gets the divorce to
Rachel. Rachel takes some decongestants
and is reeks havoc the rest of the day.
A/N: Okay, this is something I wrote after I had a dream
about Friends. Of course, being Godeerc
VanDrey, the dream was totally irrelevant and useless to be made into a Friends
fic. But when
I woke up, I was inspired to write this one.
It is not a romance. This is a
pure General fic. It will have three story lines, just like the
show. And it will mimic the show’s
comedy appeal. I really feel good about
this one. Try to imagine it as if it
were on TV, because some of the comedic appeal comes from the fact that I was
visualizing the characters and their expressions in the show that would invoke
laughter. Try reading this and
visualizing it at the same time. It may
make it better.
Oh, and by the way.
A decongestant is medicine that relieves your sinus cavities during a
cold or other nasal illness, to answer the question of many reviewers.
Scene 1: Monica and
(Rachel looking sick, Monica getting ready to leave)
Monica: Are you sure you’re okay, Rach?
Rachel: No, I just called in sick. I’ve got some sinus bug.
Monica: Well, if you need any medicine, we’re all
stocked up.
Rachel: (mumbling) Of course. (audibly)
Thanks, I think I’ll take some decongestants later.
Monica: All right, there’s some in the bathroom if you
need them.
Rachel: Yeah, all Phoebe has at her apartment is a bunch
of herbal stuff.
Monica: Just be careful.
Only take two, and don’t operate heavy machinery or drive.
Rachel: Well, it’ll be hard to not start up the
bulldozer in my old room, but I think I can handle it. Ugh, I sound like
Monica: Um, well, yeah.
You can stay here; just don’t make a mess.
Rachel: Or suffer the consequences. (shooing
her) Go to work. You’ve got that big
thing today.
Monica: I know, and I can’t be late. What time is it?
Rachel: 7:52.
Monica: Oh my gah, I’m late!
Rachel: It starts at ten.
Monica: I know.
(rushes out)
Rachel: Man, am I glad I moved out. Okay, let’s get these decongestant things. (walks up and enters the bathroom; open the medicine cabinet)
Oh, where are the decongestants? Why
doesn’t she organize this thing? She’s
Monica, for goodness sake. Amoxacillin,
Beryllium acetate, cough syrup…oh, yeah.
Decongestants, here we go! Take
two for every eight hour period. Well,
let’s see, I’ll need them for like 24 hours, so I guess I take like six? Oh, Monica’s never sick; she doesn’t know what
she’s talking about. Down
the hatch. (swallows them with water) Whoo, that
was a rush. (now very drowsy; looks in the mirror)
Hey! You! What in the world are you wearing? Bathrobes are so… last week. (giggles)
(OPENING CREDITS)
(COMMERCIAL BREAK)
Scene 2: Monica’s Restaurant
(Monica walks in, with Phoebe and Joey behind her)
Monica: Thank you guys so much for doing this. I couldn’t find anyone to do the
entertainment. So tell, me what are you
two doing again?
Phoebe: Well, you know, I was planning to massage some
clients somewhere. You know, this room’s
pretty nice.
Monica: In my restaurant lobby? You know, people usually take their clothes
off during massages.
Phoebe: Well, duh, did you not notice when I give them
to you?
Monica: People are not going to take off their clothes
in the middle of my dining room!
Phoebe: Well, that’s their problem. They’d better if I’m charging half price.
Monica: Have you ever seen anyone in my restaurant not
wearing clothes?
Phoebe: Joey did once.
Monica: What?!
Joey: Uh, uh…
Phoebe: Oops, you must not have been there.
Monica: Well, that explains why we’re seeing such a rise
in the number of young women. Pheebs,
can you just do it in the back room, or something?
Phoebe: I guess so.
I’ll go set up.
Monica: And, Joey, what will you be
doing?
Joey: I was gonna, you know, act. Do skits.
Take requests and stuff.
Monica: Yeah, that’ll work. I need to go cook some samplers. Have you seen my staff?
Joey: Yeah, they’re all at Central Perk.
Monica: Why?
Joey: They said it was their day off.
Monica: I don’t believe it. One of these days, I’m going to hire an
entire new crew of chefs and waiters.
Oh, well, it’s a buffet, anyway. Just restocking food and stuff. (a
loud crash comes from the kitchen) JOEY!!!
Scene 3: Monica and
(Rachel walking drowsily out of the bathroom)
Rachel: (very loony) Whoa, I am so tired. I’m going to watch some TV. (picks up remote and enters the kitchen, and tries to flick
through channels on the microwave) Well, there is nothing on. Oh, I am so stupid. The TV’s not even on. (presses
a button on the microwave and it starts up; she puts down the remote on the
table and goes and sits on the couch; pulls out her cell phone and tries to turn
on the television) Huh? That’s funny. (looks at the cell phone, and puts it to her ear)
Phone: Shi-cou-wah! Sin-kiki-nofamu. Abri abri!
Rachel: Well, (puts the phone on the coffee table, and
bumps her fist together twice at it) to you, too! (hangs
up; the microwave beeps, she answers her phone) Hello?
Scene 4:
(
(COMMERCIAL BREAK)
Scene 5: Monica and
(the room is in total disarray;
the couches are turned over, the kitchen’s contents are strewn across the
floor; assorted garments are hanging from the window; battle-like noises are
heard coming from the TV)
Rachel: You bloody Nazis! (jumps out from
behind and overturned chair, holding a broom) Take this. (makes machine gun
noises) To the fort, men! (jumps behind a cushion
structure) Away! (runs out of the apartment and into
Joey’s Apartment)
Scene 6: Joey’s Apartment
(Rachel runs in to an empty apartment, suddenly looking
very clueless)
Rachel: Whoa, this is a pretty apartment. (the apartment is somewhat untidy; the chick and duck run in)
Ooh, ooh! Birdies. Oh my gah, you guys
are naked! (giggles) Don’t worry, (haughty voice) I am
a fashion expert.
(time lapse)
Rachel: Now, who’s the pretty fowl in all of town? (the chicken walks out wearing a scarf around his neck and bracelets
tied to his ankles and around his neck, followed by the duck, clad in brightly
colored boxers and sunglasses) Boy, this wall needs some serious redecorating.
(time lapse)
(Rachel has rearranged all the furniture: the foosball
table is halfway into the bathroom; the couch is blocking entrance to Joey’s
room, along with the headboard of his bed; the entire contents of Chandlers
room have been reproduced to face the television, which sits on the floor;
Chandler’s door is covered by the rug, which is held up by an exceeding large
amount of Scotch tape; in the entertainment system is a single cereal bowl; one
of the Barca-Lounger is facing the refrigerator)
Rachel: (taping something to the wall; behind her, the
coffee table has paper and crayons strewn across it) Pretty picture. (shows a stick figure with black Ross-like hair, and in the
background a dinosaur is eating several female stick figures, with arrows
pointing to them, identified with “Chloe”, “Julie”, and “Emily.”) Wow, that’s
six new pictures for Joey’s apartment. (a stick figure
of Monica with long black hair, with cleaning items and cooking utensils around
her) (a stick figure of Phoebe with long yellow hair,
holding a guitar with music notes) (a stick figure of
(exits, passing the other Barca-Lounger outside the door)
Scene 7: Phoebe’s Apartment
(Rachel walks in on the empty apartment)
Rachel: Well, Phoebe, how’s it going? Phoebe, are you invisible again? (breaks out into giggles) This apartment is so… blah. Let’s see.
Ooh, ooh, candle! (picks up a candle and reads
the label) Energy of the Spring. May contain traces of
opiates. For further details or
orders, call 1-800-555-8695. Hmmm.
Scene 8: Monica’s Restaurant
(Joey going around, entertaining guests)
Joey: Well, ma’am, how are you tonight?
Woman: Very well.
Joey: And you, sir?
Man: Well, I don’t mean to mention it, but it’s a bit
uneventful in here.
Joey: No, sir.
Thank you for bringing that up. That’s
what I’m here for. How ‘bout I do some
singing for you nice lady friend here? (she giggles)
Man: Well, all right.
Joey: (singing) I can see the starts… in your eyes. I can see the glow… in your face. I can see the joy… through the nights. I can feel the love… through the days. (goes into bad
falsetto) I-ee-I can love (hits a very bad note) yooooooou. (slow clapping from
clients) Thank you. (Elvis impression) Thank you very much. (a
few people get up to leave)
Scene 9: Ross’s Apartment
(Rachel walks in; the apartment is empty)
Rachel: Well, gee golly geez,
doesn’t anyone come home for lunch? (the clock reads
3:27) Well, let’s see, Ross. What so
special about Ross?
(flashback in Rachel’s memory)
Ross: Well, hello, Mrs. Ross. (throws
rice)
Rachel: Well, hello, Mr. Rachel. (throws
rice)
(return from flashback)
Rachel: Oh, well, duh.
Better start making supper. (walks into the
bedroom) Whoops, wrong room. Now,
where’s that spatula?
Scene 10: Monica’s Restaurant, back room
(Monica getting a massage from Phoebe)
Monica: Okay, that was fun. So, it went okay, didn’t it?
Phoebe: (lying) Oh yeah, wonderful. Made a lot of money.
Monica: I didn’t charge anything.
Phoebe: Oh, sorry, I was talking about me and Joey.
Monica: Uh.
Phoebe: Hey, that means it was a success.
Monica: Then why was the only person left after four
o’clock that deaf guy? I’m telling you,
I don’t know what you see in Joey’s voice.
Phoebe: It was a bad day, okay?
Monica: He sang “The Real Slim Shady” to that group of
mothers with small children, “California Girls” to that old lady, and “The
Animal Song” to that little toddler. He
joined that drunk guy into the women’s restroom
because it said, “Ladies.” I had to call
the police to tell them that there was NOT a man dying in my restaurant from
gunshot wounds, but there would be soon!
It was only a friend of mine who’s an actor. And how the heck did thirteen broccoli rolls
get caught in the chandelier?
Phoebe: Thirteen?
Hey, I made at least sixteen three-pointers! (the
entrance bell is heard) Ooh, I’ll go check on that for you.
Monica: Yeah, I might not make the right impression. (she is sans clothing)
Phoebe: (behind door) Oh, okay,
I’ll go get her for you. No, wait right
here! (she opens the door as Monica gets up from the
bed; a flash is seen)
Monica: (screams) Phoebe!!!
Phoebe: Oh! I’m
sorry. You! Get out!
Get out! You and your stupid
camera!
Monica: (covering herself with the towel) Who was that?!
Phoebe: Some guys from the newspaper. He wanted to get your picture.
Monica: Well, he sure did! Why’d you let him in here?
Phoebe: I didn’t.
He followed me.
Monica: Oh, boy.
This’ll make a good front page story.
“Nudist restaurant owner holds banquet.”
Phoebe: Maybe, but won’t he need to film to print the
picture?
Monica: (hugs her) I love you, Phoebe! (pause) Wait, how did you get it?
Phoebe: Out of his pocket.
Monica: What about the film in the camera?
Phoebe: In the camera?
You don’t put film in the camera.
It’s transferred automatically to the film capsule. Don’t you know anything about photography?
Monica: What?!
Phoebe, what are you talking about?
Phoebe: Okay, listen my grandma taught me this… (pause and face of realization) Oh, that explains why all her
picture frames had the models in them.
Well, sorry. I tried. (Monica
groans; Joey walks in)
Joey: Hey, Mon. (sees her) Whoa. How you doin’?
Monica: Joey!
Out! Now!
Joey: (to Phoebe) So, is this
about the photographer? (Phoebe nods) Okay, bye. (pops
his head back in)
(A/N: I’ve had some question about how Joey knew about
the photographer. Why shouldn’t he
have? He was in the main dining
room. He’s not entirely stupid. Monica was in the back room getting a
massage. A photographer came in. A flash was scene. Monica screams. What else could have happened? Did I say Joey wasn’t able to see any of
it? No.
He saw it. Case closed.)
Monica: Joey!
Joey: So, this is a bad time to tell you about the fire
in the kitchen. (Monica screams)
Scene 11: Ross’s Apartment
(Ross enters)
Ross: (sees the table candlelit) Hello?
Rachel: (walks in) Hey, Ross, Honey. (walks
over and kisses him briefly on the mouth) How was your day?
Ross: Pretty good.
Rach, what’s this about? (smiles confused but
hopefully)
Rachel: Well, you know, I didn’t have to work today, so
I thought I’d make my husband dinner.
Ross: Husband? (pauses) Rachel,
I promise you. I got the divorce.
Rachel: (heartbroken) But… but why? (almost
crying)
Ross: Whoa, whoa, whoa.
You… didn’t want me to get the divorce?
Okay, now I’m really confused.
Rach, are you okay?
Rachel: Yeah, why?
Ross: (now noticing her attire) Well, for one thing,
you’re wearing the T-shirt that you sleep in, jogging pants, a diamond
necklace, and red high heels. Oh, and is
that a purple bow back there?
Rachel: (smiles) Yeah. (spins)
Isn’t it so pretty?
Ross: Hey, Rachel, you had a sinus thing, right?
Rachel: Uh-huh. (smiles and
giggles a bit)
Ross: And you took decongestants, right?
Rachel: Yep! (giggles)
Ross: (smiles) Oh, okay… (acting)
Sweetie, I was just kidding about the divorce.
Why don’t we have dinner? What do
we have here? (looks at the table) Candlelit,
nice touch. (the table is lit by emergency
candles) Oh, eggs, sunny side up… ice cream… with peanut butter on top. (Rachel
smiles widely) and… charcoal.
Rachel: (giggles) No, silly, that’s broccoli. You wouldn’t believe how long I had to leave
them in the oven before they were done.
Ross: Well, (seats Rachel) I guess we should start. (seats himself) To good health and medical
advances. (lifts a wine glass of chocolate
milk, tips glasses with Rachel, and takes a sip; then makes a face) Whoo, that chocolate milk sure is sweet.
Rachel: I know. I
had to put like five spoonfuls of sugar in it.
Ross: Did you really?
(time lapse)
Ross: Well, the eggs were quite good. The ice cream was pretty good, too. The brocolli is…
(throws a piece in the air, looks like he’s going to catch it in his mouth, but
purposefully misses, pretends like he caught it, and fake chews) scrumptious.
Rachel: I know. (like Ross, throws a piece of broccoli
in the air, but it misses her mouth and she falls backwards in her chair)
Ross: (gets up) Rachel, you okay?
Rachel: Yeah, but I think it’s time for dessert. (giggles)
Ross: So, what did you make?
Rachel: Let’s go into our room and I’ll show you.
Ross: (gets the message) Oh, (smiles happily) but (his
face changes to conscience-minded) but I can’t do that.
Rachel: C’mon. (walks swaying
into Ross’s bedroom)
Ross: (moves his hands like a balancing scale) Rachel
Green… honesty… Rachel Green… dignity… Rachel Green! (rushes
into the bedroom, but stops short, seeing Rachel sleeping peacefully on the
bed; he smiles and put a quilt over her, and kisses her on the forehead) Good
night, Rachel. (she smiles in her sleep)
(A/N: Awwwwwww…)
(COMMERCIAL BREAK)
(ENDING CREDITS)
Scene 12: Outside Phoebe’s Apartment
(Phoebe,
Phoebe: Whoo-hoo. Score one for the Chan-man!
Joey: Uh…
Joey: Well, I mean, have you ever been paid NOT to sing.
Phoebe: I have. Quite often, in fact.
It’s kind of funny.
Joey: I slept half the time. She slept the other half. The whole frienaissance thing didn’t work out
till the end.
Phoebe: Here we are. (opens
door) You know, I hope Rachel starts to feel better. Monica said she didn’t answer the phone when
she called her at her apartment.
Joey: Ah, she probably went around and did stuff…
Phoebe: Ahhhh!
Joey: Huh?
Phoebe, what’d you do? Make some mass order?
(the room is filled with
several large cardboard boxes, which Phoebe read the labels for)
Phoebe: “Vegetarian Cuisine. Contains 150 pre-wrapped
meals, all completely meat-free.” (reading
another large cardboard box) “Aroma Essences… Bulk Pack 30012: Vanilla Bean,
Lemon, Wildflower, and other scented candles.”
“Incense Sense… Variety Pack…” My gosh, where’d
all this stuff come from?
Joey: Decongestants?
Phoebe: Man, I got to try some… (Joey smiles with
agreement;
(END)
A/N: Whew! That
was fun. I really tried for a TV
show-like story. You know, with the
multiple plots and stuff. How’d I
do? Actually, don’t tell me. I’ve got another one in the works. It’s going to be like this one. Stayed tuned for future
fics. So, tell me, what do you
think of the eighth season? I’ve only
seen the first episode. This one seems
to be a good one. Ross has to be the
father, right? I mean, I’m watching the
Season 1 episodes on TBS, and the Ross and Rachel thing has been foreshadowed
since Day 1. They have to end up together.
It’s like writing a book. You
can’t just foreshadow something the entire book, then
just opt for a dull conclusion. It has
to all tie in. Anyway, I’ll stop typing
now. Bye-bye.
*_* - Decongestants.
Whee!
©2001. Created Thursday, December 27, 2001.