The One With
the Singing Cucumber
by
Godeerc VanDrey
Category: Friends
Genre: General, Humor
Rating: PG
Language: English (with bits of Spanish)
Summery: As Christopher and
Halley’s wedding approaches, Adrienne Kyles, a friend of Christopher’s, comes
in and does last minute wedding plans with him, Halley, Chandler, and
Jessica. Joey takes Phillip
bar-hopping. Monica, Phoebe, and Rachel
try to further their relationships with the guys. Ross and Anna go out to lunch. Justine… now where is she?
A/N:
And I’m back for the second part. In
this fic, Adrienne Kyles, a
good friend of Christopher’s comes in for the wedding. This one will be shorter than the last one, I
promise. The last one I believe was a
whopping 6,416 words. (Fell free to
count them.) Anyway, I had a lot of fun
writing this fic.
Happy reading! (I know, lame.)
Again, I changed the title. It is
a direct reference that if you know it, you know it.
Scene 1: Central Perk
(Ross, Rachel, Christopher, and Halley sitting, drinking
coffee)
(a short, blond-haired woman
enters)
Christopher: ¡Señorita Adrieña de los Quiles! ¿Cómo estás?
(^_^ - Well, I might as well take on another job. He greets her with a Spanicized
name and asks how she’s doing.)
Adrienne: I don’t speak Spanish.
Christopher: Más de una
razón de hablarte español.
(^_^ - “More of a reason to speak to you in
Spanish.”)
Adrienne: Didn’t catch that.
Christopher: ¿Por qué no?
(^_^ - Why not?)
Adrienne: Stop it.
Halley: What’s he doing?
Adrienne: Speaking Spanish, which I don’t.
Halley: Chris.
Christopher: Mi amor. (^_^ - Duh.)
Halley: No la hables en español.
(^_^ - “Don’t talk to her in Spanish.”)
Christopher: Bien. Bien. Quitas
toda la diversión de vida.
(^_^ - “Okay. Okay.
You take all the fun out of life.)
Halley: ¿Sí? ¿La
verdad?
Christopher: ¡No! Por supuesto no. Das mucha diversión en la vida.
(^_^ - “Yes? Is that so?” “No! Of course not. You give much fun into life.” The translation’s
a little rough. Sorry.)
Halley: Mejor. (kisses him)
Adrienne: Okay, I don’t know what the heck just
happened, but will he stop speaking to me in a foreign language?
Christopher: Yeah, I will. Abráceme. (Adrienne gives him a questioning look)
Halley: He said to hug him.
Adrienne: Of course-o. (awkward
pause; she and Christopher hug) So, the little sophomore kid’s getting married?
Christopher:
Yeah. And the little sixth grade
girl coming to it?
Adrienne: Oh, you don’t still have that picture, do you?
Christopher: Haven’t you seen in on the Internet?
Adrienne: (sharply) You had
better be kidding.
Christopher: I am.
I am. You bring one yearbook
picture to a marching band competition and you’re prosecuted for life.
Halley: Oh, her sixth grade picture. You were so cute.
Adrienne: Thanks.
Christopher: You gonna wear your drum major costume to
the wedding?
Adrienne: The Spanish maiden? No. I
left in my attic a long time ago. You
think I’d still fit into that?
Christopher: Do you really want me to answer that?
(Adrienne sneers, but blushes and rolls her eyes as well) Beside you look good
as a (Spanish accent) doncella. (A/N: There it is.)
Adrienne: Halley?
Halley: Not an insult.
It means maid or maiden. (pause) Or chaste, possibly.
Christopher: Milady Adrienne shall come to our
betrothal.
Halley: Our what?!
Christopher: Marriage.
Wedding.
Adrienne: (a hint of sarcasm) Congratulations on
marrying him.
Halley: I know.
(OPENING CREDITS)
Scene 2: Central Perk
(Matt, James, Daniel and the girls)
Monica: So, James, until you find a subject to major in,
what do you do?
James: Well, now, I’m helping out with the
Matt: All right, man! (high
five’s him) Tell me if you need any help with that. It’s such a great cause. Society really has that “everyone is doing
it” message.
Daniel: I know.
It’s awful. Can you believe some
people don’t wait until marriage?
(at this point, all three girls
look very worried)
Monica: So, abstinence?
James: Yeah, it’s kind of a giggly subject with teens,
but it really works.
Rachel: (inaudible except to Monica and Phoebe) And we never went to church.
It makes sense why we never believed in it.
Monica: Yeah. We
planned to go keep going to
Phoebe: Don’t they have bar mitzvahs for girls?
Monica: Yeah, they’re called bat mitzvahs and, let’s
just say it wasn’t a problem that we left because I sucked at Hebrew.
Phoebe: I went to church, but it was this strange earth
spirits church. I visited it with my
psychic. But I really didn’t like the
whole don’t eat animals idea.
Monica: Pheebs, your a vegetarian.
Phoebe: I know, but they said I couldn’t eat any animals
OR plants.
Rachel: What’d you eat, fungi?
Phoebe: They didn’t.
There’s a four month survival rate of a true extremist-biospiritist.
Monica: Imagine that.
Scene 3: A casual restaurant
(Ross and Annacaye looking at menus)
Annacaye: This is a nice place. Thanks for bringing me to it.
Ross: You welcome.
So, tell me about yourself.
Annacaye: Well…
Woman: Annacaye!
Annacaye: Lindsey!
How are you?
Lindsay: I’m great.
Look, look. (displays her hand) Brian finally
popped the question.
Annacaye: Oh, you are so lucky.
Lindsey: Thanks.
The girls are here. Want me to
bring them over?
Another woman: Annacaye!
Annacaye: Erica!
Megan!
Ross: Okay. (looks at the menu
again)
(COMMERCIAL BREAK)
Scene 4: A Bar
(Joey and Phillip enter)
Joey: Phillip, it’s time to score with the ladies.
Phillip: Wow, this is going to be great.
Joey: (to a lady) So, Joey Tribianni’s the name. And what might be the name of lovely lady that
you are?
Lady: Kara. And
this is my friend, Jasmine.
Jasmine: Hey. (looks him up and
down)
Joey: This is my friend, Phillip.
Phillip: (dorky) Hi.
Jasmine: Hi. (grabs her side) Uh… I have to make a phone call. (she
and Kara leave)
Phillip: Phones are that way. (points
in the opposite direction as the girl went) They blew us off.
Joey: It’s okay; I’ll hook us a couple more.
(time lapse)
Phillip: (dorky) Hi.
Joey: (grunts) My, oh my.
Scene 5: Monica’s Apartment
(Rachel, Monica, and Phoebe enter)
Rachel: Abstinent?
Can you believe it?
Monica: I know. I
never thought people really did it.
Except for you know ugly people.
Phoebe: And fat people. (Monica looks at her) Sorry.
Rachel: I mean, I don’t usually break the ice on the first
date… okay, I do, but still… They’re great guys. They’re funny, they’re cute. Why didn’t we know about them in high school?
Monica: We did!
You hated them because they wrecked the grade curve and were generally
unpopular. In the high
school sense. They actually had a
rather large social circle. Plus, they
were band geeks.
Rachel: As were you.
Monica: Well, yeah.
They also weren’t football
players, and you were into…
Rachel: Oh.
Phoebe: Well, Monica is definitely screwed. James is a Southern Baptist, and there ain’t
now way she’s getting him off his beliefs.
Monica: Isn’t Daniel a Baptist, too?
Phoebe: Yeah, but he’s flirty. James isn’t even close to him.
Rachel: Matt is.
Monica: He’s despicably flirtatious.
Rachel: Remind you of anybody?
Phoebe: A match made in Heaven… or, well… (pause) And he was into the abstinence thing too.
Rachel: Twenty bucks says I sway him.
Phoebe: Twenty says I sway Daniel first.
Monica: Put me in, too.
Rachel: Really?
Monica: It’s a challenge for me, all right? Do I ever lose?
Rachel: Isn’t it a bit immoral that we’re, you know,
trying to break their personal beliefs?
(pause)
All three: Nah.
Scene 6: The Restaurant
(Ross at the restaurant, eating; Annacaye still chatting
with her friends)
Annacaye: And Macey? What’s she up to?
Megan: Husband #4, I hear.
Annacaye: What’s up with her?
Erica: Rumor has it all three of her husbands filed for
infidelity.
Annacaye: No way.
Lindsey: Yeah, I doubt it. She wouldn’t sink that low. But I would put it past her to be in the next
guy’s house the afternoon after the morning of a divorce paper signing.
Waiter: Anything else, sir?
Ross: I don’t want anything. You’ll have to ask my date yourself. Haven’t talked to her for
about forty minutes now.
Scene 7: Halley’s Apartment
(a nice apartment; Christopher
and
Adrienne: (heard from behind the door) Oh my, it’s
beautiful. Chris, you have to come in
and see this.
Christopher: Actually, I have to not come in and not see
it.
Halley: Traditionalist.
Adrienne: I know.
Jessica: Good catch, but old-fashioned.
Christopher: Come again?
Christopher: Ah. Complex sentence.
Christopher: Simple sentences might do that. I’m surprised by what he doesn’t catch.
Christopher: Yes.
Adrienne: Wow.
You look… you look… I need to find a boyfriend.
Jessica: Ditto.
Christopher: Not to say I’m not a traditionalist when it
comes to weddings, but she insisted
on me not seeing.
Christopher: I guess so.
Christopher: If it works for you, I can’t foresee and
problems with that philosophy.
Scene 8: Monica and Rachel’s Apartment
(Rachel brings Matt in)
Rachel: So this is my apartment.
Matt: Nice.
Rachel: And that room over there… that’s my
bedroom. You want to see it?
Matt: Sure.
(Rachel takes them there)
Matt: Very nice.
I love what you’ve done to the place.
Rachel: Thank you. (smiles
evilly) What do you think of my bed?
Matt: It’s great.
All your stuff animals are great.
Rachel: Yeah, I usually hide them when I have people
over.
Matt: Yeah, I’d be embarrassed too if I had a bunch of
stuffed animals on my bed.
Rachel: Oh.
That’s all right. You want to
play some music?
Matt: Sure. I got
the greatest CD with me. (he goes into the living
room)
Rachel: (looks proud) Score. This is too easy. (goes
into the living room) So, what romantic hits are you playing?
Matt: (very excited) VeggieTales
Greatest Hits.
Rachel: What?!
CD Player: (the celery guy’s
voice) It’s now time for silly songs with Larry, the part of the show where
Larry comes out… and sings a silly song.
Larry and Matt: (in perfect unison) Ohhhhhhhhhh. Everyone’s got a water buffalo. Yours is fast, but mine is slow. Where we get them I don’t knoooooow.
(Rachel’s face drops)
Scene 9: The bar
(Joey and Phillip still at it)
Joey: (with a very mellow accent) How you doin’? (the girl giggles) This here’s my friend, Phillip. He and me are pretty
famous round here. What you say we buy
you a couple of beers. (Phillip waves like a dufus)
Girl: Thanks, but no thanks.
Joey: I give up, man.
Why can’t you help me score?
Phillip: I’m trying.
Joey: How do you ever score?
Phillip: I don’t really.
That’s why I came with you.
Joey: Ah! (bangs his head down
on the table)
(a short, beautiful woman with
dark hair comes up)
Phillip:
Phillip: I know.
I’m psyched. Know what’s on the
agenda?
Phillip: Yeah.
Those little guys are so cute.
Joey: Who you talking to, Phillip? (see
Phillip: Her?
That’s Victoria Vincetti. I went on an Antarctic trip with her a couple
of months ago to study penguins.
Joey: You spent months with her?
Phillip: Yeah.
Joey: She’s hot.
Very, very hot.
Phillip: Oh, yeah.
I just gotten used to her.
Joey: Does she have any friends with her?
Phillip: I don’t know. (just
then, another woman, as beautiful, but blond, comes up)
Joey: Yeah, baby.
See you. (he goes over and talks to
Phillip: I know.
I saw him.
Phillip: I’d bet money on it.
Phillip: (embarrassed) Yeah.
Phillip: Me neither.
I’m no good at it. I should be
loading and sorting the penguin pictures onto the computer at the lab. I need to check the atmospheric conditions
anyway to make sure we can go back next March.
Phillip: C’mon, they’re at the lab.
Phillip: C’mon.
You and me are just friends. I’m not like that.
Scene 10: The lab
(Phillip and Victoria kissing in front of a picture of a
family of penguins)
(COMMERCIAL BREAK)
Scene 11: The restaurant
(Ross getting the check back from the waiter; Annacaye
still jabbering on)
Annacaye: See you, guys. (the
three girls leave) Oh, friends. We had
so much to catch up on. What were we
talking about?
Ross: We never were.
Annacaye: Oh, no, sorry. I do that
sometimes. Ask Chris. When I dance with guys at ballroom dance
lessons, all I do is chat with my girlfriends.
We can talk now. I’m really
interested in hearing about what you know about the Ice Age.
Ross: Maybe some other time. I’ve got some work at home.
Annacaye: Oh, I see.
You’re mad. Listen,
come back to my hotel room. Bring your
work if you want to, but please I want to talk to you. To make it up.
Ross: I… uh, your hotel room? Where are you staying?
Annacaye: The Marilynn Inn. The place is crazy. They’ve got these huge room
with huge beds and huge TVs. I don’t
need all that, but it’s the best room for your money.
Ross: Actually, that might be nice. In fact, I’ve got about five Ice Age time
period fossils I need to study. I’d be
glad to talk to you about them.
Scene 12: A Church
(Christopher, Halley, Jessica, Adrienne,
Rev. Brown: I can’t tell you how proud we are that you want
to get married in our church again.
Halley: Rev. Brown, how could we refuse. Your sanctuary is gorgeous.
Rev. Brown: Thanks you.
You get what you pay for.
Christopher: Yes, building campaigns. Very expensive.
Rev. Brown: My main worry is that I won’t get a raise
because of all the money we’re spending. (laughs) That
was a joke.
(the rest laugh)
Rev. Brown: Well, Christopher, you pick a very nice
lady.
Christopher: Oh, I know it.
Halley: Chris!
Christopher: Remember… wedding dress.
Halley: Ah. (dream-like state)
Jessica: Pathetic, isn’t it?
Adrienne: Yeah.
But, think, when it comes up to the “You may now kiss the bride part,”
won’t you just melt in your seat.
Jessica: I can only imagine.
Adrienne: This church really is beautiful.
Makes we want to get married. To anyone.
Adrienne: Not a chance.
Jessica: Ditto.
Rev. Brown: …you two want to do a short run-through?
(time lapse)
Rev. Brown: You may not kiss the bride. (Christopher and
Halley softly kiss)
Adrienne: Wow.
Jessica: Uh-huh.
(Jessica and Adrienne roll their eyes)
Adrienne: Is he always like this?
Jessica: Always.
Scene 13: Rachel and Monica’s Apartment
(James and Matt singing along to the CD; Monica and
Rachel talking in the corner)
Rachel: These guys are total geeks! Still!
Monica: I know.
Phoebe is so going to win with Daniel.
Matt: Hey, just a sec. (looks at the phone, dials, and
waits)
Scene 14: Phoebe’s bedroom
(Daniel and Phoebe under the covers of her bed)
Daniel: (sits up, revealing he still has his clothes on; answers his cell)
Hello?
Scene 15: Split screen between M&R’s and P’s
(Daniel and Matt talking back and forth)
Matt: Hey, dude.
Listen. (puts receiver against the stereo)
Daniel: (listens) VeggieTales! Yes!
Matt: We’re like having a party. You’ve got to come over here.
Daniel: Just a sec.
Matt, James, Rachel, and Monica are having a party. We have to go.
Phoebe: A party, without us?! Nuh-uh!
We’re going over there right now!
We can finish this later.
Daniel: Sure.
You’re right. Your bed is really
soft. You must have fun sleeping in it.
Phoebe: You have no idea.
Scene 16: M&R’s Apartment
(Daniel and Phoebe run in; Rachel and Monica are still
sulking; Daniel joins Matt and James)
Matt, James, and Daniel: (singing) Oh, where’s is my
hairbrush? Oh, where is my
hairbrush? Oh where. No hair.
Take care… of my hairbrush.
Monica: What are we going to do? They’re getting down to singing fruit!
Phoebe: It’s singing vegetables. As a vegetarian, I know a vegetable when I
hear one.
Rachel: Why, do they scream out when you bite into them?
Phoebe: Oh, no.
That’s that sound I hear when I’m eating. That’s it.
I’m not eating plants anymore.
Monica: (sarcastic) ‘Cause starvation is always a viable
option.
Phoebe: Oh yeah.
Well, screw you two. I’m singing
along with the pickle.
Matt, James, and Daniel: He’s a cucumber!
Phoebe: I know! (goes over and
dances with the guys; she and Daniel start swing dancing)
Monica: Well, if you can’t you can’t beat ‘em, join ‘em.
(she and Rachel start dancing with James and Matt,
less skillfully)
(COMMERCIAL BREAK)
(CLOSING CREDITS)
Scene 17: Central Perk
(that evening; the girls, Matt,
James, and Daniel, Christopher, Halley,
Adrienne: Halley, I had so much fun doing that wedding
stuff with you. Your wedding is going to
be so beautiful.
Halley: Thanks.
I’m so glad you came.
Monica: Anyone seen Ross?
Rachel: Oh, he called… from Annacaye’s
hotel room.
Christopher: Ember, Ember, Ember. What are we going to do with her?
Matt: Which reminds me, I called Phillip up at his work,
and before he answered, I swore I heard a kiss being broken.
Christopher: Phillip?
Phillip Maxx? Well, there’s a
first time for everything.
Rachel: What about Joey?
Phoebe: Oh, he’s probably…
Everybody: Yeah, probably.
Jessica: (bringing coffee over) What
about Justine? Has anyone seen her?
(Justine enters with
Justine: Hey, everybody.
Jessica: Hey, where you been? We went to look at Halley’s dress.
Justine: I’m sorry I missed that. My meeting was canceled, so Pierre and I kept
busy up in our room.
Justine: Why is your head bobbing?
Monica: Wow, there is
a first time for everything.
(END)
A/N: And, another one written and published. I am on a roll! Oh, and about the third part. I will
be doing it. And I hope… I hope it won’t be too mushy. Wedding fics are hard to do not mushy, but I
will be limiting the mushy parts, and will add a lot of humor just to balance
it out. Wish me luck. It will be the last part. At least for this series. Creedogmon’s characters have given me a lot
of inspiration, so I may do more fics on them, but they will be separated,
because I can already see a problem with having twenty Friends. (For one, they wouldn’t all fit at Central Perk.)
As for what’s in the works, besides Part 3 of this one,
I don’t have much. I’ve got a started
fic I could work on about Phoebe. As I
look at my fanfic ideas sheet, I see a bunch of Fantasy Fics that I don’t have
inspiration for right, now, but I may later.
Oh, I’ve got a Season 8 fic in the planning stage, about a married
couple that C&M become friends with.
They will actually be introduced in Part 3 of this series. They’re a couple of fics that I’ve promised
second parts to, so I’ll get on to those after I’m done with my current
material. Come Christmas break, I bet
you can expect a lot from me.
Oh, on behalf of C-mon, if you
find yourself in these fics, it is not his fault. In fact, he’s the character Christopher in
this series. I believe he has based all
his characters on people that he knows, I have just
copied the personalities of his Power of Crest characters and other friends and
acquaintances of his. I hope I portrayed
you accurately and I did my best to make all innuendoes regarding you as subtle
as possible.
My third fic will be out shortly. Happy reading. (That
is so terrible. I’ll think of something
better for Part 3. If I don’t, feel free
to flame me for it. But
not before!) Where’s the smiley face guy? Sonriso?
^_^ - Here I am!
Bye, Readers!
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