The One With the Marriage Counselor

by Godeerc VanDrey

Category: Friends

Genre: Humor, General

Rating: PG

Language: English

Summery: Phoebe dates a marriage counselor who is really good at what he does. He demonstrates this to the group. Unless, I can add a plot to it, it will be completely banter between the characters.

A/N: Ah, the marriage counselor. A character who will live on in infamy in my fics. Sort of. Kind of. Maybe. Or not. Just read it.

Scene 1: Central Perk

(the whole gang sitting on the couches and chairs, chatting; nothing unusual)

Chandler: So, Ross. You have any advice for me about getting married? You have lots of experience. (Rachel giggles loudly)

Ross: (noticing her) One, marry someone who will stay straight. Two, say the right name in your wedding vows. And, three, make sure your sober, especially in Vegas. Being sober is very good. And, Rachel, you’ve got experience in weddings, too. Right up to the whole Bridal March part, right? (Rachel sneers at him)

Phoebe: Ooh, ooh, also it’s a good idea to make sure they’re straight when you marry them. And not just looking for a green card.

Joey: And...

Chandler: (interrupting) Joey, you’ve never been engaged nor married. Have you ever been in love, even?

Joey: Yeah.

Chandler: With someone not on Baywatch?

Joey: Uh, no. (laughs) But, hey, who’s called the Love Master? (dead silence; Joey looks back and forth, annoyed) Hey!

(OPENING CREDITS)

Scene 2: Central Perk

(later, Rachel in chair, Ross on couch, both reading magazines; Phoebe enters with a guy)

Phoebe: Hey, guys, this is Todd.

Ross: Hey, Todd.

Rachel: Hi.

Phoebe: He just took me out to lunch.

Todd: Yes, quite an experience. Not a lot of vegetarian dishes at a grill house, are there?

Rachel: (shaking her head, laughing) No. I guess not.

Phoebe: Todd’s a marriage counselor.

Todd: It’s a hobby, really.

Ross: A profitable hobby. My divorce lawyer recommended me to one.

Todd: You’ve been divorced?

Ross: Yeah. (clears his throat; inaudibly) Three times.

Todd: Excuse me?

Rachel: He said three times.

Todd: Oh. You might be that guy Russell keeps telling me about.

Ross: Yes. And Rach, you express the fact quite openly seeing that you were the third one.

Todd: Really? You two? What happened?

Rachel: Too much alcohol. Las Vegas, Nevada.

Todd: Yes. Ross, you must be the guy Russell told me about.

Rachel: Wow, Ross, you’re semi-famous.

Phoebe: You guys should have gone to him. He’s really good at what he does.

Rachel: Pheebs, our marriage was a total mistake. It wasn’t even meant to happen.

Phoebe: Hey, everything is meant to happen for a reason. Come on. Let him try on you. There’s no charge if you’re already divorced. Plus, you might have gotten married for real if Rachel hadn’t have wanted to go on a break.

Rachel: We were not on a break! (Ross smiles)

Phoebe: Stop smiling, Ross. The copier girl did happen. (Ross smiles fades) C’mon, let him try. As I said, it’s free if you’re already divorced.

Rachel: And because you an extremely hot babe that dating him?

Phoebe: Totally. And those are his words.

Ross: Oh, why not? I’ll pick up some pointers for later.

Rachel: Exactly how many times are you planning to get married? (Ross sneers)

Todd: Okay, well, while we’re on the subject of hobbies. Ross, Rachel, why don’t you tell me some of each others hobbies?

Rachel: Well, Ross likes hanging out here.

Ross: Well, Rach does too.

Rachel: Uh, he likes reading novels.

Ross: She likes reading magazines.

Rachel: Playing with his son.

Ross: Borrowing clothes.

Rachel: Gelling you hair.

Ross: Putting on make-up.

Rachel: Looking at old rocks.

Ross: Spending loads of money on (finger quoting) “apparel” and “the latest fashion.”

Rachel: Cheating on your girlfriend. (temper rising)

Ross: Leaving guys at the altar. (temper rising too)

Rachel: Getting divorced.

Ross: Traveling thousands of miles to ruin a wedding.

Rachel: Saying the wrong name in your wedding vows.

Ross: Telling married men that you’re still in love with them.

Rachel: Being a peeping tom.

Ross: Walking around your apartment naked... with your window open.

Rachel: Thinking eating a lot of grapes is a funny idea.

Ross: Thinking getting married is an even funnier one.

Rachel: NOT getting an annulment and NOT telling your “wife” about it!

Ross: Writing false accusations on annulment forms and causing a guy to file for divorce for the third time!

Phoebe: (whispering to Todd) You sure this is going to work?

Todd: Trust me, you’d be surprised.

Rachel: Sleeping with college students.

Ross: Sleeping with their fathers.

Rachel: Copier place girls! (jumps onto the couch beside him)

Ross: Personal assistants!

Rachel: Janice!

Ross: Paolo!

Rachel: Flirting with male police officers to get out of an anti-speeding ticket.

Ross: Wanting to have a “Bonus Night” with the bride-to-be’s brother on her engagement night.

Rachel: Being the only one to enjoy your wonderful hands.

Ross: Reading dirty books!

Rachel: Counting the number of “times.”

Ross: Wanting to go “On A Break!”

Rachel: Actually going on one!

Ross: Denying that you were on one!

Rachel: Having a crush on the same girl for sixteen years!

Ross: Falling in love with the same guy four times in three years!

Rachel: Not telling someone that you’ve had feelings for them.

Ross: Well, Ditto!

(a brief silence, then suddenly, they kiss hard for quite a while, then break it abruptly)

Rachel: (giggling) Kissing your ex-girlfriend!

Ross: Kissing your ex-boyfriend!

(they resume their places)

Rachel: (still laughing; to Todd) You’re good. Scary good.

Phoebe: My gosh, I have to show you to Mon and Chan. They’re engaged, but that was a lot of fun to watch.

Rachel: Ross, about that. Don’t get any ideas. That guy’s got his work down to an art.

Ross: No ideas whatsoever. But you know, Phoebe’s right. That guy could have kept us married.

Rachel: As if the not telling me wasn’t working well enough.

Ross: I think you’d get curious when our mail came in labeled, “Dr. and Mrs. Ross Geller.” (shutters)

Rachel: Hey, it’s not that bad.

Ross: No, it’s just that good. Boy, having your high school dream come true. A Ph.D. and Rachel Green as your wife. So...

Rachel: (flatly) No.

Ross: (sighs) Well, being my best friend kind of take away some of the appeal. (pauses to think) Would you mind getting into your old cheerleading outfit again?

Rachel: Yes, I would.

Ross: Thought so. (sighs, and again louder, and again even louder)

Rachel: Okay, I’ll consider it.

Ross: Thank you. (smiles while looking into dead space)

Rachel: Tell me you’re not imagining it.

Ross: (pause) Okay, I’m not. (stares into dead space again)

Rachel: Not the Princess Leia thing either.

Ross: Okay. (still staring)

Rachel: Okay, I don’t want to even know. (pauses, realizes) Ross, stop that right now!

Ross: Ex-boyfriend’s right!

Rachel: Whatever. (gives up and reads her magazine, then stares into space)

Ross: The navy outfit is still available.

(Rachel quickly looks at her magazine again, red-faced)

(Ross smiles)

(Gunther leans on the counter, looks into dead space, and smiles)

(COMMERCIAL BREAK)

Scene 3: Chandler and Monica’s Apartment

(Phoebe and Todd sitting beside Chandler and Monica, who are on the couch yelling at each other)

Monica: Watching Baywatch!

Chandler: Cleaning the apartment twice a week!

Monica: Having a sarcastic attitude.

Chandler: Having a dominating attitude.

Monica: (having a nerve struck) Stealing your best friend’s girlfriend.

Chandler: Taking your dad’s best friend.

Monica: Girls with nasally voices.

Chandler: Guys who will buy you your own restaurants so you’ll date him.

Monica: Married women.

Chandler: High school seniors.

Monica: Calling your best friend’s sister fat!

Chandler: Cutting off a guy’s toe!

Monica: Commitment-phobe!

Chandler: Commitment-phile!

Monica: Taking a depressed girl into your hotel room.

Chandler: Being depressed because your brother’s getting married.

Monica: Wanting to use the Honeymoon Suite.

Chandler: Listening to a drunk guy.

Monica: Continuing a one night stand.

Chandler: Sneaking around for months in a secret relationship.

Monica: Being on “London Time.”

Chandler: (softening) Falling in love with him.

Monica: (softly) Proposing to her.

Chandler: Saying yes.

Monica: (crying) Paying for the wedding.

Chandler: Accepting a simple wedding.

(the kiss for a long time, but it clear they’re not stopping there)

Phoebe: Okay, maybe we should go.

Todd: Yeah. I’d better watch my power. I’m dangerous.

(they leave)

(COMMERCIAL BREAK)

Scene 3: Central Perk

(Ross looking over at Rachel, who’s reading the magazine)

Ross: Princess Leia for the navy suit?

Rachel: (hard) No.

Ross: Cheerleading uniform for the navy suit?

Rachel: (sighs) Okay.

Ross: Yes.

Rachel: But, it has to be a private place. And no one can find out.

Ross: What about Chandler and Joey?

Rachel: Okay.

Ross: What about Monica and Pheebs?

Rachel: Okay.

Ross: Deal?

Rachel: (dejectedly) Deal.

Ross: Cheer up. (Rachel doesn’t; in a cheery voice) Me in a navy uniform.

(Rachel tries but fails to keep off a smile)

Rachel: Stupid Richard Gere.

Scene 4: Joey’s Apartment

(Joey watching Baywatch)

Joey: Run, Pammy, run. Faster. Harder. You too, Yasmine. Run, run like you’ve never ran before!

Duck: Quack.

Chick: Cluck.

Joey: See, even the chick and duck want you to run!

(a knock on the door; Joey answers it; it’s Phoebe and Todd)

Joey: Hey, Pheebs. Who’s this?

Phoebe: This is Todd. He took me to lunch.

Joey: (shaking his hand) Nice to meet you. Joey Tribianni, I’m a friend of Phoebe’s.

Todd: Nice to meet you.

Phoebe: He’s a marriage counselor. He got Ross and Rachel kissing.

Joey: Wow, you’re good. But they’re already divorced.

Phoebe: So, Monica and Chandler are already engaged. And look what he did to them. (they listen for a moment)

Joey: Don’t they do that anyway?

Phoebe: Yeah, but still.

Duck: Quack.

Todd: Wow, you live with a duck.

Chick: Cluck.

Joey: And a chicken.

Todd: No people?

Joey: No, I share this apartment with a girl too. Rachel, in fact.

Todd: Wow, how’d that happen?

Joey: She burned down Phoebe’s apartment.

Phoebe: I got to live in the Mon and Chan’s guest room. But I moved in with Ross later to give them privacy.

Todd: So, you on good turns with the animals?

Joey: Oh, yeah.

Todd: I couldn’t live with animals. They’d drive me crazy. Especially the rooster.

Chick: (crows)

Joey: I’ve gotten used to it. I loved these guys. (hugs the birds) Even when they crow. And I have to pick up after them. And when eat stuff they’re not supposed to.

(Joey becomes angry)

Joey: Why do you do this to me, guys? I love you two. You’re the greatest roommates I’ve ever had. (to Phoebe) Don’t tell Rach I said that. (to the birds) I mean, we’ve been together forever. Me and Chandler took you from that stupid shelter and we raised you guys. We’ve watched you grow up. Don’t ever leave me. (crying)

Phoebe: Aw, Joey. That’s so sweet. I don’t think you’re supposed to do that. I don’t think she appreciates that. Stop that! (runs at him)

Joey: Sorry, did I just try to kiss the duck?

Phoebe: Yeah, you did.

Joey: (shivers) That guy is dangerous.

Todd: Yeah, I’m sorry. Want me to make you two kiss?

Phoebe: Uh? I thought you wanted to date me?

Todd: Oh, it’s okay. I don’t mind. I’d like to see if I can.

Phoebe: Well, it ain’t going to happen.

Todd: Have you ever kissed Joey before?

Phoebe: Well, yeah. There was that time I pretended to be my sister.

Joey: Yeah, thanks about that. Your sister is such a…

Phoebe: I know. Then there was that time at Central Perk when you had that acting thing.

Joey: Yeah, that was nice.

Phoebe: You’re telling me!

Joey: Wasn’t there one more time?

Phoebe: (smiles) Yeah, that time when I suddenly realized I was thirty-one? Thanks a lot for that. “The Perfect Kiss.”

Joey: Aw, it was my pleasure.

Phoebe: Well, it really meant a lot to me. (hugs him, but they kiss as they’re breaking apart; Phoebe suddenly breaks it) Todd, you are good.

Todd: I know. I wish I could get it to work on my wife. (Phoebe’s eyes go wide) Oh, it’s okay. We’re getting divorced.

Phoebe: You got Ross and Rachel to kiss! Why the heck can’t you get your wife back with you?

Todd: I have no idea.

Joey: Listen, man. If you need any help with the divorce thing, I know some places we could go to get over it. I mean, if you’re at Phase 2 yet.

Todd: You want me to get women to start kissing you.

Joey: I can do it myself, but your way seems to work no matter who it is. (thinks) You know, that’s okay. I’m really great right now.

Todd: Well, listen, Pheebs. I got to go, but I’ll miss you.

Phoebe: (still on the couch) Okay, bye.

Todd: (sadly) See you. (mumbles to himself) Never works on me, never! (exits)

Joey: I think he wanted you to kiss him.

Phoebe: Oh, whoops. I’ll go do it right now. (runs out)

(muffled talking is heard, then kissing noises)

Todd: Works every time.

(a loud slapping noise, then the sound of something large hitting the ground is heard)

Phoebe: (comes back in, furious) Oh, that little marriage counselor. They’re all the same.

Joey: Did you knock him out?

Phoebe: I might have.

Joey: I’ll never ask you for a kiss again.

Phoebe: What?

Joey: (scared) I mean, in the near future I will.

Phoebe: (nudges it off) Good enough.

(silence, but sounds from across the hall are heard)

Joey: Boy, I wish they’d stay a little bit quieter.

Phoebe: Well, if Todd hadn’t done enough damage. Now we got to listen to them.

(Joey is listening intently, smiling)

Phoebe: Joey!

(this startles Joey)

Joey: Sorry.

Phoebe: You don’t think it had a lasting effect on Ross and Rach, do you?

Joey: Nah. As destined as they are for each other, not even Todd is that good.

(COMMERCIAL BREAK)

(ENDING CREDITS)

Scene 5: Central Perk

(Gunther is leaning on the counter, looking dejected toward the couches)

Gunther: Why don’t they just get a room? I’m going to kill that marriage counselor.

(END)

A/N: Whoo-hoo! That was too much fun. Short, I admit it, but I really enjoyed doing this one. Tell me what you think. I tried to make all the romance in good fun. Not mushy. Humorous. If it’s good, thank you. If it’s bad, it was ten o’clock at night.

Okay, I’ve gone through this several times, and have added a lot of content to it. It started out like six pages, but I’ve gotten it up to eleven, which isn’t half bad, but I do like my fics to be about fifteen. Well, maybe later.

It’s later. I’ve got it up to thirteen now. That’s pretty good. I’ll post it now.

^_^ - Yes, “Tell me your hobbies.” I have got to try that on Tabaith.

I don’t expect but one soul in the entire world to get that joke. That one’s for you, dacflute.

^_^ - Okay, see you later, alligators.

In a while-y, punctusmiley.

^_^ - Hehe. Come back and see us, wonderful read-uh’s!