The One With the Surveillance Camera

by Godeerc VanDrey

Genre: General, Humor (romance, too, but not really a romance fic)

Rating: PG-13 (sorry, but certain types of jokes are quite funny)

Language: English (I swear, a Spanish one is coming out)

Summery: Joey and Chandler install a hidden camera in Ross’s apartment to see what turns Rachel on about him. Meanwhile, Monica is frustrated with a dish that won’t cook in her oven. Phoebe reads a health magazine, quoting scary articles.

A/N: Okay, I’m back on track again. For a while, my brain was completely devoid of ideas, then today, a small speck of an idea turn into this fic. This is another show mimicker, where I added in a “spanning joke.” I’ve never had one of those in my fic, and they are the source of a fully humorous joke on Friends. (Don’t ask what I’m talking about. I’m just writing an introduction.) This one should be posted with sister fic “The One With the Kitty.” This is a Season 2 fic, which means Ross and Rachel are already together. Yay! I hope you like this one. I had a lot of fun doing it.

Scene 1: Central Perk

(Rachel waitressing, the others drinking coffee, talking; A/N: What else?)

Rachel: (to gang) Hey, can I get you anything else?

Chandler: Well, I could use some more coffee. And since you asked, I’d be willing to take any concert tickets or expensive jewelry you like me to take off your hands.

Rachel: One coffee for Chandler. Would you like it with cream and cyanide?

Chandler: Will it be on the house?

Rachel: No.

Chandler: Then just black, please.

Ross: Could you fill me up, too? And how ‘bout… dinner at my place tonight?

Rachel: (smiles) All right.

Ross: Is dinner on the house?

Rachel: We’ll see. (walks off)

Joey: Hey, you know, if you want dessert on the house, you could leave a big tip.

Ross: Oh yeah, pay her for tonight. Like I need to do that. (looks at his watch) Oh, boy, I’ve gotta go. One of you can have my coffee. Tell Rachel that the money’s on the table, and be at my place at seven, okay?

Phoebe: Whoa, look at this! (points to something in the magazine she is reading)

Ross: (looks) Whoa! I’ve got to check and see if I’ve got that kind. (leaves) Thin rubber, hmmm.

(silence)

Joey: He left a big tip, didn’t he?

Chandler: (not looking up) Oh yeah, about 230%.

(OPENING CREDITS)

(COMMERCIAL BREAK)

Scene 2: Monica and Rachel’s Apartment

(Monica in the kitchen, preparing a dish; Phoebe reading her magazine on the couch)

Monica: (putting the dish in the oven) And there we go. Just set it for two and half hours. (pause) I guess I should have done the side items while this was cooking. Well, I’ve got some free time.

Phoebe: Hey, look at this. It says here that you’re three times more likely to regain obesity if you have multiple social issues.

Monica: (worried) Like…?

Phoebe: Uh, divorce… family conflicts, lack of a significant other… loss of job… negative criticism… stuff like that. (Monica looks very worried)

Monica: (goes to the cabinets, and takes out a bag of cookies) Here, Phoebe, it was supposed to be… a birthday present, but here. I couldn’t resist.

Phoebe: (deeply touched) Oh, oh… Thank you, Mon. C’mere, give me a hug. It’s good for your metabolism. (they hug, but Monica regrets to let go)

Scene 3: Chandler and Joey’s Apartment

(Joey and Chandler enter)

Chandler: So, what do you think of the whole Ross and Rachel thing?

Joey: I think it’s great. I mean, I never imagined a hot girl like Rachel to get together with a guy like Ross. You know, some one that’s not… like me.

Chandler: Gee, I could see that not happening from the start. But you’re right. Rachel is really happy about Ross. I wonder what it is.

Joey: Maybe it’s the…

Chandler: Joey. Rachel fell for Ross when he was halfway around the world. She just thought about him, and it happened.

Joey: So, I fall for girls thinking about them.

Chandler: Not the same, Joe. But I wonder what it is. If it’s the romantic stuff he says to her. Or the way he looks at her. (thinks) You know what I’m thinking?

Joey: (nods) Rachel in a two-piece?

Chandler: No.

Joey: Then Monica?… Or Phoebe?… Yasmine Bleeth… Pamela Anderson…

Chandler: I’m not thinking about anyone in a two-piece. Well, I wasn’t, but I am now. (smiles) But what I was thinking was that if we taped Ross doing whatever he does to Rachel that makes her so crazy about him, we could try it ourselves.

Joey: If you want to see girls going crazy for a guy on tape, I have a pretty good collection for you.

Chandler: Oh, so they aren’t all Ross’s Discovery Channel Specials. One more reason to avoid those unlabeled tapes.

Joey: So, you were saying?

Chandler: My company just replaced their old security system. I was thinking we could get a surveillance camera from the scrap pile, and hide it at Ross’s place.

Joey: Yeah… (smiles and thinks about stuff)

Chandler: (covers his face with his hands) Ay yay yay.

Monica: (overly cheerful A/N: Imagine her when she’s exercising Chandler in 207) Hi, guys. (gives Chandler a big bear hug, then gives Joey one)

Chandler: So, what’s new? Find a universal cleaning agent that actually works?

Monica: No, but they’re working on it. (pause) Oh, you were joking, right? (Chandler nods; Monica breaks out in over-enthusiastic laughter)

Phoebe: (enters) I told her hugging and laughing were good for her metabolism. Oh, did you know that they hypothesized that sexuality in an inherited trait?

Chandler: Ahh! (stumbles into his recliner)

(COMMERCIAL BREAK)

Scene 4: Ross’s Apartment

(Chandler hooking up the camera in a plant about Ross’s entertainment system; Joey watching)

(Ross enters)

Chandler: (scrambling) Yes, that bush needed some definite fluffing. Thanks for noticing, Joe.

Joey: My pleasure.

Ross: Okay, you two spend way too much time with Monica.

Joey: Yeah.

Chandler: We probably do.

Ross: Well, would mind leaving? Rach’ll be here any minute.

Chandler: Sure, just a second. (presses a button on the camera, which Ross can’t see, and it beeps)

Ross: (confused look) What was that?

Joey: Uh, uh…

Chandler: My gosh! You have an… African Toning Bush. (as if he’s giving a lecture) You see, there’s a hollow reed inside the branches, and when they’re pressed together just right, it emits a beep-like noise. (tense smile)

Ross: (purely interested) Wow, and I though it was just an ordinary Long Island Fern. Can I try? (ruffles the leaves)

Chandler: (slaps his arm) Actually, I wouldn’t. They’re very delicate when they’re young, and you might kill it.

Ross: Oh. Wow, Marcel played with it all the time. I hope it’s okay. So, how’d you know about it?

Chandler: (lying through his teeth) Well, on one of your Discovery Channel tapes, there was a preview for it. I watched it when I had nothing else to do. I think it’ll be on in another couple of weeks.

Ross: Wow! (pause) Uh, which tape did you watch?

Chandler: Uh, the one about the Brazilian tarantula.

Ross: Oh, you didn’t see what was after that, did you?

Chandler: No, fell asleep halfway through.

Ross: Oh, okay. (uncomfortable smile)

Joey: Well, we’ll be going now. (he and Chandler rush out, passing Rachel at the door)

Rachel: (enters) Hey, honey.

Ross: Hi, beautiful. (they kiss)

Rachel: So, dinner?

Ross: Actually, how ‘bout we just talk on the couch for a minute.

Rachel: Okay.

Scene 5: J&C’s Apartment

(Chandler at the television, Joey beside him)

Chandler: And here we go… (the television turns on)

Ross*: (on screen*) Rachel, I’d just like to say how lucky I am that I found you.

Rachel*: Me too.

Ross*: Really. I mean you’re the most beautiful person in the world, and I have you. Well, don’t “have” you, but… you know what I mean.

(Monica enters)

Monica: Hey, what’s going on? (hugs Chandler; sees the TV) What are you watching?

Joey and Chandler: Shhh!

Monica: (whispering) Okay. Is this Ross’s Apartment?

Chandler: Yeah, we’re observing. (Monica gives him a patronizing look)

Rachel*: I love you, Ross.

Ross*: Say that again.

Rachel*: That I love you?

Ross*: Yeah. I just am watching the girl that means more to me than anything in the world, and she’s expressing everything I’m feeling for her to me. I want to think I must be dreaming. But I can’t be, because I couldn’t dream anything as perfect as this.

Monica: (crying) Oh my! When did my brother learn to say stuff like that?

Chandler: We have to write this down later.

Joey: Totally.

Monica: Well, I’m going to check on my casserole. (hugs Chandler as she is leaving)

Chandler: Your metabolism is fine. (Monica hastily leaves)

Joey: You can hug me all you want. (Monica gives him a dirty look, but hugs him briefly before she exits)

Scene 6: M&R’s Apartment

(Phoebe still reading, Monica checks her dish)

Phoebe: Wow, did you know how many diseases you can catch from sleeping with people born after 1977?

Monica: They’d all be like eighteen years old or younger. (thinks and then gets a worried look)

Phoebe: So, what are the guys doing?

Monica: (goes to check the oven) They’re watching Ross and Rachel with a hidden camera.

Phoebe: Without me?

Monica: Yeah. Dang! Why isn’t my casserole getting hot?

Phoebe: (under her breath) Maybe it’s your cold style.

Monica: What?

Phoebe: Maybe it’s cooking from the inside out.

Monica: Conventional ovens don’t cook from the inside out. They do from the outside in.

Phoebe: Well, it’s not my fault your oven’s a non-conformist. (she leaves)

Scene 7: J&C’s Apartment

(Joey and Chandler sitting in the recliners, watching the TV)

Phoebe: Hey, guys. Monica says you’re spying on the Lobsters. Why didn’t you wait for me?

Chandler: Sorry, we were waiting for a commercial.

Phoebe: Oh, okay. Hey, where can I sit.

Joey: Best seat in the house is my lap. (smiles)

Phoebe: Whatever. (sits in his lap, jumps) Joey!

Joey: Sorry. (she scoots over)

Ross*: Rachel, tell me. Is it just me, or do we just click really well. I mean, amazingly… perfectly… I can’t even think of a word to describe what it’s like.

Rachel*: Meant to be? Or… you’re right. There’s no perfect word.

Ross*: But there’s a perfect woman. (pause) Every night, I have this dream about us at Central Perk that night. Was that the best kiss you’ve ever had?

Rachel*: I don’t know. There were some pretty good guys in high school. But, I have never felt a kiss with more emotion behind it. Or anytime with anything. It just felt so right. So fulfilling. So… (whispers off)

Ross*: Rach, it’s amazing how you just take the words out of my mouth. I almost don’t deserve this happiness.

Rachel*: (softly) Like hell you don’t. Ross, you are an amazing guy. I fell in love with this guy who’s sweet, nice, funny, smart, and… perfect for me. I don’t want this to ever end.

Ross*: I’m not sure it can.

Phoebe: Oh! (cries on Joey’s shoulder) That is so sweet. Even my Lobster Theory couldn’t explain them that well.

(COMMERCIAL BREAK)

Scene 7(cont’d): J&C’s Apartment

(Phoebe recovering from Ross’s speech, Joey and Chandler still watching)

Phoebe: Wow. I’d never think Ross could say stuff like that. (reads her magazine again) Wow! It says here they’re testing people of Mediterranean decent for development of food allergies to meat preservatives.

Joey: Yikes! Allergic to meat? (thinks) Chandler, where’s Mediterranea?

Chandler: (having not heard Phoebe’s article) You mean the Mediterranean Sea?

Joey: ‘Course.

Chandler: Uh, south of Europe. By Spain, and Greece, and Italy.

Joey: Italy?

Chandler: Uh-huh.

Joey: Uh, uh, okay. (worried look)

Phoebe: Neither of you are Scottish, right? ‘Cause it says here that they found that Scots may have weaker lung tissue. It could cause early death due to smoking. (Chandler is now worried)

Scene 8: M&R’s Apartment

(Monica looking impatiently at the oven, Phoebe enters)

Phoebe: My gosh! You right! Ross really is a sweet guy.

Monica: (not paying attention) Is this thing ever going to get cooking, literally?

Phoebe: I don’t know. Hey, did you know that Welsh people can hold lipids twice as easy as Africans?

Monica: I don’t care. Phoebe. I don’t want to know how my racial background affects me. I just want to know why this damn casserole won’t cook!

Phoebe: Uh, Monica. (holds up an envelope, and opens it) This is from the gas company. The last check you sent in wasn’t received and they said they cut off your gas.

Monica: (sits down on the couch; devastated) You mean I spent all this time trying to cook a casserole in a room temperature oven?

Phoebe: Actually, I just noticed, but it’s a bit chilly in here.

Monica: The gas has been cut off! The heater doesn’t work either.

Phoebe: So, want to go watch Ross and Rachel at Joey and Chandler’s place?

Monica: Yeah.

Phoebe: Should I bring the cookies?

Monica: (stares for a moment) Yes. Please.

Scene 9: Ross’s Apartment

(Ross and Rachel walk out of the bedroom, in bathrobes)

Ross: You know what? We forgot about dinner.

Rachel: Hey, so we had dessert first. (holds on to him)

Ross: (smiles) I love you, you know that?

Rachel: Oh yeah. (they plop down on the couch; Ross holds Rachel)

Ross: You know. I was reading this article that Phoebe had. It talked about how certain protection wasn’t very effective. I was thinking how nice it would be if, even by mistake, you got pregnant.

(switch to J&C’s)

Chandler: Oh, no.

(Joey gestures a plane crash with sound effects)

(switch to Ross’s)

Rachel: What?! Oh, yeah, that would be just lovely. Getting pregnant before I’m married. Our parents would just love that! They’d be thrilled. My dad would hunt you down.

Ross: Rach! That’s not what I mean! I was just saying…

Rachel: Save it! (grabs her clothes and leaves)

(switch to J&C’s; the other four watching intently, shocked)

Monica: Oh, no. This is bad.

Phoebe: Ross is so dead.

(switch to Ross’s)

Ross: (the door slams) Oh, brother. (sits down on the couch again, and picks something up; smiles) She’ll be back for this.

(switch to J&C’s)

(Joey looking wide-eyed at the screen, smiling ear to ear)

(switch to Ross’s)

Rachel: (comes back in) I need my… (Ross displays his findings) Yeah.

Ross: Rach, I didn’t mean that. I was just thinking about how great it would be if… if something really special to happen with us. And a baby, even by accident, would still make me overjoyed, ‘cause I know it would turn out okay. I know that we are just… just… right for each other. (gets up from couch) I love you so much. It’s crazy how wonderful what’s between us is. Anything that could wrong between us… would only be something that would have to have been predestined. ‘Cause I don’t think anything could permanently break us, only make us stronger. I wouldn’t mind a surprise or two. And I know you wouldn’t either. You feel that “this” is right. I do too. Nothing has meant as much to you as we have. You were always looking for the right person. What I want to know is, haven’t you found him?

(cut to J&C’s)

Monica: (stunned) He is good.

Phoebe: (also stunned) Oh, yeah.

Chandler: (stunned as well) I need to start taking notes.

(cut to Ross’s)

Rachel: (near tears of joy) I love you, Ross.

Ross: (smiles, and offers his arms, which Rachel takes) Rachel.

(Rachel kisses him, then pushes him down to the couch, still lip-locked)

(cut to J&C’s; they all are staring wide-eyed at the screen)

Joey: (distracted) Whoa.

Chandler: (distracted, too) Yeah.

Phoebe: (also distracted) You’re telling me.

Monica: (the same) Me too.

Phoebe: (not taking her eyes off the screen) Mon, that’s your brother.

Monica: I, for some reason, don’t care. (sits down next to Chandler; as Phoebe does next to Joey)

(COMMERCIAL BREAK)

(ENDING CREDITS)

Scene 10: J&C’s Apartment

(Monica and Phoebe still sitting next to Chandler and Joey)

Chandler: (to Monica in the seat with him) As if I minded, but why are you still here?

Phoebe: I told her that someone else’s body heat could help burn fat.

Joey: And why are you still here?

Phoebe: ‘Cause is says in here that people from Italian and French decent make pretty kids together.

Joey: Really?

Phoebe: (whispering into his ears) Do you care?

Joey: (giggles) Not really.

Phoebe: (thinking) Hmm.

Monica: What?

Phoebe: I was wondering if I should tell Rachel that people of Greek descent are unusually fertile.

Monica: (eating a cookie) Nah. So, tell me, any other ways of burning fat?

Phoebe: Well, read for yourself.

Monica: Let’s see. (reading) Uh-huh. Do that. Do that a lot. Don’t do that so often. Whoa! Talk about burning fat! What is it? (pause, groans) And me without a boyfriend.

Chandler: (looking over her shoulder) You know, I wouldn’t mind helping you with that last one. (elbowed by Monica)

Joey: (goes to the VCR) This tape is definitely going into my collection. (looks into the slot) What?! There was no tape!

Chandler: You kidding me! All that stuff… all those words… gone?

Joey: I know. All that stuff!

Chandler: Not that stuff! The talking. The wooing. The romantic speeches!

Joey: And the stuff.

Chandler: Okay, if you that interested the stuff, check Ross’s tape that’s labeled, “South America Tarantula.”

Joey: Huh? (Chandler gives him a look) Oh!

Monica: Men.

Phoebe: Guys. (they start to leave; against the disappointed faces of the guys) Okay, being me, I cannot just leave with out everybody happy. Cheer up, Joey. (gets close to him, flirty; whispers) I still want the pretty kids. (Joey perks up) And Chandler, uh, let’s just say body heat won’t be the only way Monica burns fat. Well, sorta it won’t.

Chandler: (nods pleased) Wow, Ross isn’t the only one who’s good with words. You really think so?

Phoebe: (groans) Okay, I can’t leave without making everyone happy, but I also can leave without telling the truth. I don’t think you’ve got a chance in the world. Sorry, but I could be wrong. I do some psychic-ing, okay? (flirty) Bye, Joey. (who is smiling ear-to-ear) I did that, didn’t I? (Chandler nods)

(END)

A/N: Wow, I haven’t had this much fun since The One With the Decongestants. So, what did you think? I will be writing another Season 2 fic soon, and I think it will be only a PG. This one just got out of hand. It’s really crazy ‘cause I’m not at all that way. All my fics with the you-know-what content just happen. Well, anyway. I hope you enjoyed this. I sure did. If it is a bit confusing, tell me specifically what, and it will be updated, as are all of my fics. Also, read The One With the Kitty. I just wrote it and I believe it is on the same lines as this one.

^_^ - I see you. Bye-bye!