The One With Too Much Affection

by Godeerc VanDrey

Genre: Humor, General

Rating: PG

Language: English

Summery: Chandler and Monica meet up with another married couple, and go out to dinner with them, but thing don’t go too smoothly. Joey and Ross get competitive after a karate lesson, and Phoebe has to intervene. Rachel pretends not to be pregnant to date an obstetrician she meets.

A/N: And I’m back for another fic for the wonderful readers out there who need their daily dose of Friends Fanfiction. This one is going to be a Season 8 fic. This is another fic in my Altar Ego Phase. This one will feature new characters Jed and Tessa. You may remember them from The One With the Junior Bridesmaid in The One With the New Friends three-part fic. In this fic, they are a married couple that married Chandler and Monica meet and go out with. I am will try to make this as funny as possible, ‘cause I’m was just reading some stories on FFN, and realized that they were very basic and to put it kindly, lame. Granted, that’s what you get for reading Romances by amateur writers. (No offense, really! I did it, too.) I hope you enjoy this one. I had a lot of fun writing it. (I say that a lot, don’t I?)

Scene 1: A Grocery Store

(Monica and Chandler shopping)

Monica: Okay, let’s see. We got bread, eggs, (rolls her eyes) Frosted Flakes.

Chandler: Hey, listen. You got to listen to the tiger. The are greeeeeeeeat, you know.

Monica: Uh-huh. You watch too much TV.

Chandler: Okay, but I’m not the one who never misses a Day of Our Lives episode.

Monica: Joey’s on it!

Chandler: Yeah, so is Peter Reckell.

(a little girl, about eight, Destiny, runs up and grabs a box of cereal)

Destiny: Mommy, Mommy, I want Choco Bombs.

Tessa: That’s nice, Honey, but don’t you want something more nutritious?

Jed: Tess, this is Destiny we’re talking about.

Monica: Chandler! That’s the flower girl from that wedding we went to a few years ago.

Chandler: (amazed) Wow. You remember the flower girl from a wedding three years ago…

Monica: Four.

Chandler: …four years ago. You like weddings, don’t you?

Monica: I broke a rib on our wedding day, and didn’t care.

Chandler: It was only bruised.

Monica: Did I care?

Chandler: (admits) No.

Monica: Excuse me, we’re you at the VanDrey-DeMallora wedding a few years back?

Tessa: Yeah. Little Destiny here was the flower girl. (Destiny beams)

Monica: I’m Monica Bing. We got to be close friends with the bride and groom for a little while before the wedding.

Jed: Hey, I remember you two. (points to Chandler) We’re you the guy who kept hitting on a couple of the guests?

Chandler: No; that would have been Joey.

Jed: No, he was the one who hit on the bridesmaids.

Chandler: Okay, Jessica and that other girl. Yeah, I did. (Monica gives him a look) You were dating one of the groomsmen.

Monica: You win.

Jed: Listen, you two doing anything tonight?

Chandler: No, we’re free.

Jed: Well, we’re going to that new grill house down the street. Want to join us?

Monica: Sure.

(Jed and Tessa leave)

Monica: C’mon, Destiny, Chandler, let’s go.

Chandler: That’s not ours, Mon.

Monica: (groans) So close, so close.

(Destiny runs to her parents)

(OPENING CREDITS)

Scene 2: A karate gym

(Ross and Joey enter)

Joey: Thanks for taking me here. My parent never let me do karate. Just gymnastics. (Ross looks at him; Joey panics) Just kidding. (smiles)

(time lapse; the instructor, Carl, is leading them in moves)

Carl: (chops) YAH!

Class: (mimicking him) YAH!

Carl: Very good. We’ve made a lot of progress today. Let’s do a bit of sparring. Let’s have the in the guy with the gelled black hair come up. (Ross, excited, comes to the front) And how ‘bout that Italian-looking guy that was next to him. (Joey jogs up to the front)

Ross: Let’s get it on, Tribianni. I’ll go easy on you.

Joey: No need to go easy. Unlike some people, I was watching the instructor instead of the lady’s tight, yellow shorts that were cinching up. (a lady looks disgusted and adjust her yellow shorts)

(they spar; and Ross definitely has the upper hand; in a few minutes, he defeats Joey)

Ross: All’s fair and love and war. By the way, Miss, you would notice that he knew about your shorts, too. (the lady looks disgusted at Joey)

Scene 3: A magazine store

(Rachel, pregnant, but not showing, walks down the maternity section; she picks up a magazine)

Rachel: (leafing through a magazine) “…morning sickness usually ends after sixteen weeks, but may last until…” (she looks despaired; looks up and sees an attractive man, Robert) Wow.

Robert: Miss?

Rachel: Oh, nothing. Hi, I’m Rachel Green.

Robert: Nice to meet you. I’m Dr. Robert Lanston. I’m an obstetrician.

Rachel: That’s why you’re in the maternity aisle.

Robert: And you? Pregnant?

Rachel: (thinks) No. One of my friends is, and she wanted me to get her a magazine.

Robert: Oh. That’s very nice of you.

Rachel: Listen, I don’t mean to sound forward, but are you married, involved?

Robert: No, I’m not. A had a girlfriend for about two years, but three months ago, we broke up.

Rachel: Oh, I’m sorry. My friend dated a guy for about year, they broke up, and now she’s pregnant with his child.

Robert: After they broke up?

Rachel: Interestingly enough, four years after they broke up.

Robert: Quite interesting. How’d that happen?

Rachel: You ever heard the “Hiking in Western Europe” story?

Robert: No, I don’t believe I have.

Rachel: (smiles) I tell you later.

Scene 4: Joey’s Apartment

(Joey and Ross arguing)

Joey: I so could have taken you down. I just didn’t want to.

Ross: Yeah right. You just can’t admit that I’m a better Kah-rah-tay fighter than you are.

Joey: So what if you’ve had more practice. Someday, I may be better than you are.

Ross: You will never be better than I will. (Phoebe enters) You do not have Unagi.

Phoebe: Ross, yes, I do have your stupid squid dish. (holds up Chinese food boxes)

Ross: Thanks, Pheebs.

Joey: Yeah, thanks. (to Ross) Come on, Ross, if I were a real attacker, and not just your best friend, you wouldn’t stand a chance.

Ross: Yes, I would. If you were a real attacker, I’d have you on the ground in five seconds.

Phoebe: Five? Come on, Ross, if the guy’s after your wallet or jewelry, he have it in his hands and be running away in like three.

Ross: I know how to stop a pickpocket, Phoebe.

Phoebe: (walks over to him) Ross, you do not know how to deal with a pickpocket. A pickpocket can get your watch and your wallet in a matter of seconds.

Ross: Come on, like I wouldn’t feel them groping around.

(Phoebe holds up a wallet and watch; Ross, wide-eyed, takes them from her)

Phoebe: (silently to Joey) You should see what he didn’t notice I took.

(COMMERCIAL BREAK)

Scene 6: The Grill House

(Monica and Chandler, and Jed and Tessa, sitting at a table)

Jed: Yeah, Destiny’s almost eight now. Erica’s will be four next year. So you don’t have any kids?

Chandler: No.

Monica: Not yet, that is. (Tessa smiles knowingly)

Chandler: So, Jed, you’re a photographer. What do you take pictures of?

Jed: Mostly nature. I send a lot of my work to National Geographic, but I do a lot of people shots, too.

Chandler: People shots? Anything… artistic?

Jed: I’ve got a wife, you know.

Chandler: So do I, but Monica wouldn’t care if I took pictures of… (sees Monica raise an eyebrow) What? I’m just kidding. (Monica looks away; Chandler starts beating himself over the head)

Scene 7: Central Perk

(Jessica, the waitress takes Rachel’s and Robert’s order)

(Creedogmon: You know, after four years, you’d think Jessica would have another job by now. Godeerc: Oh, well.)

Robert: Do you have Caribbean Cream coffee?

Jessica: Yes, we do.

Robert: They’re great, Rachel. We’ll take two.

Rachel: Uh, they’re not Irish, are they?

Jessica: No.

Rachel: Are they caffeinated?

Jessica: Yes, I’ll get you one decaffeinated.

Rachel: Thanks.

Jessica: (realizing) Yeah, since you’re… (looks at Robert) Oh… since you’re trying to get off caffeine. (leaves)

Robert: For a minute there, I think she thought you were…

Rachel: Oh, no. She probably mistook me for Monica.

Robert: Okay.

Jessica: Here’s your coffee, Rachel. (gives it to her, than a cup to Robert)

Robert: Not Monica, eh?

Jessica: No, this is Rachel. I know what Monica looks like. She’s got black hair.

Rachel: (looking her in the eye, hinting) Then how did you mistake me for her?

Jessica: Oh, she’s gotten her hair lightened, so know it’s almost the same color as yours.

Rachel: Then why did you think it was black?

Jessica: (thinking fast) It’s been a long day. (sends Rachel a death stare then goes behind the counter)

Robert: That’s a weird waitress.

Rachel: Oh, we love her anyway. She’s nice, but not too bright.

Robert: Anyway, this Monica friend of yours. How many months pregnant is she?

Rachel: Almost four.

Robert: So, she gotten into the mood swings?

Rachel: Yeah. Where she overreacts to everything? Tell me about it. (takes a sip; screams) YUCK! This coffee is NASTY! (pauses) Like my impression? (Robert nods)

Scene 8: The Grill House

(The two couples finishing dinner)

Chandler: Wow, this steak is really good. We have to remember this place.

Jed: I know. This is where Tessa and I went on our first date.

Tessa: (obvious angry) No, it’s not.

Jed: What? Oh, you’re right, it’s not.

Tessa: Jed, where did we go on our first date?

Jed: Uh, it’s a long time ago. A fast food restaurant, I’m pretty sure.

Tessa: (buzzer sound)

Jed: Like I remember. We’ve been together for a long time.

Tessa: Have some time to think about it. You don’t remember anything. Not where we go. Not what I wore. Nothing. (gets up and leaves)

Chandler: Ouch.

Jed: We’ve been dating forever. The first place we did go together was a fast food restaurant. I don’t know what she’s talking about.

Monica: Chandler remembers where our first date was.

Chandler: Yeah, my hotel room in London.

Monica: Not what I was talking about.

Chandler: Hmm, you mean your room “on London time.” Or my bathtub?

Jed: Exactly what kind of relationship was this?

Chandler: It started out as a secret one. We weren’t seen together a lot in public.

Jed: Interesting.

Monica: Chandler.

Chandler: Uh. (thinks) First place we went out, first place we went out. Bordaggio’s?

Monica: Wrong again. Men. (she gets up and leaves)

Chandler: I don’t what she’s talking about? What qualifies as a first date?

Jed: I don’t know. Going out?

Chandler: I mean, I’ve known Monica since I was in college. She’s not talking about then, is she?

Jed: Beats me.

Chandler: Monica! (catches and grabs her) Monica, listen, I’d tell you our first date, but what qualifies as a date for you?

Monica: Being together.

Chandler: That Thanksgiving in 1987 when you cooked me macaroni and cheese?

Monica: Yeah.

Chandler: Not my idea of a date. Back when you had a crush on me and I was shallow college student with a seagull haircut.

Monica: (laughs) Not exactly.

Chandler: Oh, I see. You’re talking about the room service we ordered afterwards in London. (Monica smiles) The roast beef was terrible. The green beans were soggy. (Monica steps closer with each word) The wine was sour. And the lone candle that lit your face so beautifully (kisses Monica) tipped over and scorches a piece of carpet that we luckily didn’t have to pay for. (Monica sits down beside him, smiling)

Jed: I guess it now. Tessa was talking about the day in band class in eighth grade we hooked up. (Tessa is seen in the background, behind Jed, listening) There was nothing to do that day, so my best friend Tessa and I sat down beside each other in a corner, and talked. I asked her out. We just kind of held hands after that. It wasn’t anything much, but that’s our beginning, sweet and simple. (Tessa lays a hand on his shoulder, which he holds and brings her around)

Tessa: And what was I wearing?

Jed: You were wearing a black sleeveless shirt, with this circular, glittery design on it; blue jeans, snug and flared at the end; and a thin, blue headband.

Tessa: (smiling ear to ear) What kind of shoes?

Jed: (laughs) Brown hiking boots. (Tessa kisses him)

Monica: Chandler, what was I wearing?

Chandler: Uh…

Monica: You don’t remember, do you?

Chandler: I do, but…

Monica: But what?

Chandler: Mon, think.

Monica: (wide-eyed) Oh, yeah. You don’t have to say.

Jed: It’s okay, we’ve long since figured it out.

Tessa: Remember when…?

Jed: Oh, yeah. (kisses her neck)

Tessa: Jed! (he kisses the other side) Watch yourself, mister.

(they begin to flirt and cuddle incessantly; much to the dismay of Chandler and Monica)

Monica: Well, as if they didn’t have anything better to do.

Chandler: Yeah.

Monica: You know. They must be that…

Chandler: In love?

Monica: I was going to say… (raises her eyebrows)

Chandler: Oh.

Monica: If you thought we were really in love, why didn’t you start that with me?

Chandler: Because we’re half-decent… (cut off by Monica’s lips)

(they too begin to cuddle, and Monica shoves Chandler onto the table, who doesn’t appreciate the offer)

Scene 9: Outside the Grill House

(the four laughing and walking outside)

Jed: Wow, we were thrown out of a restaurant for indecency. That’s like number five for us.

Chandler: It’s our first time. That was great.

Monica: (cynical) Oh, yeah, just splendid.

Tessa: Come on, Monica, lighten up. You do it at home, don’t you?

Monica: Yeah.

Tessa: You just have to get comfortable in front of people.

Chandler: Wow, I see why you went after her.

Jed: I know. (smiles absolutely evilly)

Scene 9: Central Perk

(Rachel and Robert sitting and talking)

Rachel: You know I had a really good time today.

Robert: Me too.

(Monica and Chandler enter)

Monica: Hey, Rach, the obstetrician called. You’ve got an appointment for next Tuesday. (sees Robert) Oops.

Robert: It’s okay. I already knew.

Rachel: What?

Robert: Well, after the whole no alcohol, no caffeine in your coffee thing, and the whole interlude with the waitress, and your break to the bathroom to throw up.

Rachel: That was the coffee, not morning sickness.

Robert: I’ve known since the magazine store.

Rachel: Really? How?

Robert: I spend all my time with pregnant women. I noticed how easily your face flushed and that you were excreting pheromones. (Rachel fakes a yawn to sniff herself)

Rachel: How do you know I’m not attracted to you?

Robert: I know you are, but I’ve saw the subtle strain in your pace as we walked around. I do spend a lot of time with pregnant women.

Rachel: So, you’re interested in me anyway.

Robert: Sorry, but no. I have a personal problem with dating pregnant women. But so today wasn’t a total waste, here’s my number.

Rachel: I thought you weren’t interested.

Robert: I’m not. That’s my work number. Come by me if you have any special questions about the pregnancy. I’m an expert in little details.

Rachel: Okay. (Robert gets up and leaves) So, you were smart enough to know I was pregnant since the store?

Robert: I was about 99% sure until that story about getting pregnant by an ex-boyfriend of four years. That phony of a story really tipped my off. I thought I’d give you the benefit of the doubt.

(COMMERCIAL BREAK)

(CLOSING CREDITS)

Scene 10: Joey’s Apartment

(Phoebe has Ross’s arm twisted behind his back)

Phoebe: Now, have we learned our lesson, Ross?

Ross: (groans) Don’t mess with Phoebe?

Phoebe: Right. Joey? (who’s on the ground face down under Phoebe’s leg)

Joey: Yes, Pheebs.

Phoebe: I so rule. (lets Ross go, who runs out)

Joey: Hey, what about me?

(Monica and Chandler walk in)

Joey and Phoebe: Hi.

Chandler: Okay, we’ll be going now.

Monica: Yeah, we’re meeting Jed and Tessa again in about an hour. We’d better get ready.

Chandler: See ya.

(they leave)

Phoebe: Married folk.

Joey: I know. What about me?

Phoebe: Oh, all right. (lets him up; and he runs behind the counter)

Joey: You know, you should teach us all that stuff you know. You’re pretty good.

Phoebe: When you live on the streets, you get pretty good at this kind of thing.

Joey: Yeah, you’re telling me.

Phoebe: (picks up her purse, and digs around in it) Hey, you seen my wallet, Joe?

Joey: Here it is. (takes it out of his pocket and throws it to her)

Phoebe: (impressed) Wow, nice pick.

Joey: Thank you, I learn from the best. You should see what you didn’t notice. (her face drops)

Phoebe: Joseph Francis Tribianni, you’d better be kidding!

Joey: (looks scared) Uh, of course I am.

Phoebe: You don’t think I would notice, did you?

Joey: I’m sorry. I hadn’t been able to do it yet. You wouldn’t believe how many times I got slapped learning how.

Phoebe: Yes, I do!

Joey: Sorry? (smiles)

(Phoebe jumps over the counter and tackles him)

(END)

A/N: Phew, another one written; I am on a roll. I really should be studying for finals. But, well, hey, I’ll do fine. Oh, and I’m stopping production to put out a Christmas one. Maybe, it’ll probably come out like three days before Christmas, but I’ll try. I get working on it this weekend.

Oh, and if you didn’t get what Joey took from Phoebe, I’m not telling you. I don’t really know either. It’s all about your imagination. You figure out what he stole. If he took something inappropriate, that’s your mind. That’s why I can call my fics clean, because they’re only as racy as the mind of the reader. I just can’t publish something inappropriate. That’s past my moral values. Now subtle referring, that’s a loophole. You may not think something wrong. You may think of something even funnier. It’s all up to you.

Anyway, in the works: after the Christmas one (maybe), I’ve several more Altar Ego Phase fics planned. I also may revise and redo TOW Mistletoe for the holidays as well. Right now, I study for my English final. Wish me luck.

(C: Nice, you think I should show it to J&T?) You can. I mean, you’re the one who suggested a fic about them. (C: Maybe in the birthday cards.) They’re in my name. (C: That’s the deal. Godeerc VanDrey Enterprises, Inc. sends out free cards, and Creedogmon’s characters appear in fics.) Oh, all right. It’s your funeral.

^_^ -You know what? I wish they’d quit arguing all the time. Bye-bye!