Beauty and the Geek: Episode 5
by Godeerc VanDrey
with Creedog VanDrey
Category: Beauty and the Geek
Genre: Reality, Humor
Rating: PG-13
Language: English
Summery: After
team-building exercising, the final three teams participate in a team
competition to test their skills with one another.
A/N: Okay, I spent six
weeks in
In the meantime, I’ve
been designing fairly new characters for my Virtual Season 6 series. (No, I’m not writing 3-5; I just wanted to
set my next series two years from this one, for reasons you’ll discover in the
Aftermath episode.) I’m trying to mix up
the format of the show for this series.
I hope you like it.
By the way, I upped the
rating for this chapter for reasons I will explain below. It’s a brief spoiler, but if you’re skittish
toward scary movies and the like, it may interest you to take caution.
***SPOILER***
This chapter puts my characters
in situations which test their primordial fears, including small spaces, car
wrecks, insects, and other traumatic events, which are described in
detail. Beware.
***END SPOILER***
Brian: (voiceover) What you’re about to see is a social experiment, designed to find out if seven beautiful women and seven geeks can help each other to become a whole lot more…
Last time on Beauty and the Geek, Chris and Jolie return to warm welcome.
(happy cheering and welcoming as Chris and Jolie enter Anna and Matt’s room)
The guys learn a bit about the female psyche.
(during lunch)
Brian (voiceover): And vice versa.
(in the pool)
James: I don’t care if he does have K in his belt. Supes is too fast for him to get it out.
Anna: (interview room) (pretends to snore then wake up) Are we still talkin’ about superheros? (pretends to snore again)
Brian: (voiceover) The guys were given their fourth challenge: to ask out another contestant.
Anna: (Southern accent) So, what can I do ya for, stranger?
Anna: That would lovely. (holds out her hand, which
Chris: (interview room) I could not follow
Chris:
Matt: Hey, Jolie, wanna do dinner tonight?
Jolie: (politely smiles) Yes. I’d be honored.
James: (interview room) Normally, I’d have no problem with this. Then, I got Anna planting romantic notions in my head, as if there were something going on between me and Kayley.
(Kayley is in the kitchen, eating an apple; James fiddles with a spoon)
James: Hey, Kayley. I was wondering… if you’d like to have dinner with me tonight?
Kayley: (four thousand-watt smile) Yes, I think I’d enjoy that.
James: (interview) See, piece of cake.
Brian: (voiceover) The dates had varied success.
Jolie: (leaning in) Well, what secrets can you divulge?
Matt: I’m not really a gossip… but whatever. (rolls his
eyes)
Matt: (interview room) The date went okay, I guess.
Jolie: (interview room) Matt’s very comfortable around women. He didn’t flirt, which I know he knows how to do. To tell you the truth it was dull.
(another dining room)
James: Plenty of people become vets. It’s probably just as much work as being a model.
Kayley: (scared) Really?
Kayley: (interview room) We kind of got off to a rocky start. I think it may have been my fault. I nearly made a fool out of myself.
James: (interview room) Strike two. I somehow got us off on the wrong foot.
(another dining room)
Chris: I was in love with the drama queen of our school.
Chris: (interview room) Not the direction I wanted to go in.
Chris: Fine. Anna: love the red hair, but just too spacey. I could never keep her attention.
(later)
(another dining room)
Anna: (smiling) You are so going to be a groomsman at our wedding.
Anna: Wanna be godfather?
Anna: Kayley if she ever set eyes on my man again. (swings her finger around)
Anna: (interview room)
(hours later, Kayley is still talking as James listens intently, empty dessert plates pressed aside)
Brian: (voiceover) But then it was time to get on with the competitions. First the girls played mathematical puzzles so that they could shop for their partners.
(the girls are all erasing their whiteboards)
Jolie: (interview room) (sullen) Did I ever mention that I hate math?
(
(the girls grab wallets and run toward stores)
Brian: (voiceover) After giving the guys makeovers, the girls show off their redesigned partners.
(the girls cheer and cat-call as the guys walk in)
(
(Matt walks out in tight jeans and a silk shirt, and his brown hair has been meticulous gelled)
(Chris walks out in a tasteful, navy blue, three-piece business suit; all his dark brown hair is slicked straight back)
(James walks, brooding, out in black jeans with a chain, a black Punisher-themed tee-shirt, a dog collar, and spiked wrist bands; his blond hair is spiked and streaked with platinum blond)
(the girls are dead silent)
Brian: (voiceover) We soon find out if the guys’ looks and the women’s training is enough to get women’s phone numbers.
(at Chili’s, Chris talked with another business-suited woman)
Chris: From what they told me, it was some concept dating show. A kind of knock-off of Blind Date. I think we’re an experiment. (smiles goofily)
Angela: (not paying attention and looking at the menu) Where’s our waiter?
(at a Western-themed bar,
Jade: (rubbing his arm) Sorry.
Kayley: (inside the bus; into a mic)
(at an “alternative scene” bar, punk-dressed James meets a similarly clad girl)
Kira: (dull, low tone) Hey.
James: (matching her) Hey.
Kira: (looks at him suspiciously and scoffs) Later, poser. (walks away)
(at a dance club, a fashionably-dressed Matt dances with a girl to a very upbeat song; Matt looks a tad uncomfortable)
Matt: (interview room) I wanted to scream “Harlot!”
Anna: (into her mic) Hey, Tiger, loosen up. Get the drinks, two Long Island Iced Teas, trust me.
(at a table)
Matt: How’s Saturday night sound?
Rory: Hell yeah. (grabs a pen out of her purse and starts to write on a napkin) Call me.
(
Kendall: Well, they do have these fancy-schmancy contraption
here in
Jade: Smooth talker, ain’t ‘cha? (slips a business card into his back pocket)
Kayley: That gal owes me royalties. That’s my move.
(
(at Chili’s)
Chris: I got the number.
Jolie: When?
Chris: Well, she showed me her company’s logo on her business card, and well, let’s just say that I kept talking long enough for the waiter to come ask for our drinks.
Brian: (voiceover) In the end, Matt had the shortest time to get a number, giving him and Anna the chance to pick both teams. And while they were deciding, Kayley made sure to get in one last good-bye.
(Kayley has grabbed James’s face and is kissing it)
Kayley: (to James) We may never see each other again.
James: We live like 350 miles away from each other, and we all exchanged contact information, Kay.
James: Why are you calling her Kay?
James: You know,
(in Chris and Jolie’s room)
Jolie: (taken aback) No.
Chris: I’ve come to the conclusion that your life would make
an excellent reality TV show. Have you
ever considered it? (after two seconds,
(in the main hallway)
Matt: Kendall and Kayley.
Anna: James and Constance.
Brian: (voiceover) So the two teams battled it out.
Kayley: Six.
Brian: Name the mathematician who revolutionized the study
of game theory while at
Kayley: John Nash.
Brian: “If A, then B, and if B then not C.” True or false, this is the same as, “If A, then not C.”
Brian: Correct.
Brian:
Brian: That is correct. James, if you get this answer correct, you will win. If not, we will go the tie-breaker round. Which side of the table should the man sit on a date?
(Anna, Kayley, and Kendall are all perturbed by the question)
Brian: (voiceover) But James showed his book smarts to come in handy.
James: (pauses) You seat your date, then you seat yourself, on the side of the table… facing the wall, because then you can’t be distracted by the other patrons and therefore be accused of looking at other women during the date.
Brian: Correct.
(
(Kayley slams the recovering James against the wall, kissing him)
(Kendall and Kayley exit with their luggage)
(James, disoriented, and Constance sneak up the stairs)
(“I’ve got the brains… you’ve got the looks… let’s make lots of money…”)
Scene 1: Chris and Jolie’s Bedroom
(
James: (weakly) Hey!
(they stop, because no one is in the room)
Scene 2: Matt and Anna’s Bedroom
(they enter the same)
(to cheering,
(Chris and Matt go pick up James)
Matt: What happened to you, buddy?
Chris: What?
Anna: (epiphany) Oh! Who
bet on James and Kayley getting together?
(everyone is silent)
Anna: (laughs) That’s right. Kayley did! (laughs some more)
Scene 3: Meeting Room, Day 11
(the teams enter)
(the guys gesture for the women to take the couch, but they gesture back, and after a while, the guys relent)
(after sitting on the couches, Matt on the left, James in the middle, and Chris on the end; Anna jumps on Matt’s lap, Jolie wedges herself between Chris and the side, throwing her legs over him, Constance places herself on James’s lap, and rests her head against Jolie’s legs)
(the women then start to tidy their partners’ hair, bringing attention to the fact that James’s highlights are gone and the women have styled their partners’ hair)
Brian: I’m ready if you guys are. (pauses) Congratulations. We’re down to the top three. You have come a long way and I know it wasn’t easy. So let me assure you… it only gets harder from here. (the teams laugh) For your last competition, you will be working together with your partner. The team that wins will be safe from elimination. The other two teams will go to the Elimination Room. (the teams look solemn) Here are your reading materials. (lifts covers off of three piles of two books) You each have been given a book on sports and safety, and a book on team-building exercises. Note that there is a bookmark in the second book. You are required to do that exercise before tomorrow. You have the rest of the day.
Scene 4: James and
(James and Constance look through the books)
James: Uh, you write down your darkest secret, your most embarrassing moment, and the thing you most want to tell the other person, in ten words or less. You put these things in an envelope and then… (closes the book)
James: It says you can’t read what to do next until you’ve done the first part. I think we both have to do it first.
James: Give me some time to do it.
Scene 5: Matt and Anna’s Bedroom
(Matt and Anna stand facing each other; Matt’s eyes are closed)
Anna: (takes his hands and puts them palm to palm with hers) Okay, think about what I look like. Think about my height, the structure of my face. Listen to my voice. (drops her hands) Now, take you finger and carefully try to touch my nose. It will be mouthing instructions to you.
(Matt tentatively holds his finger out and slowly moves it towards Anna’s face, who mouths “Left” over and over, though Matt’s finger does not move left; he pauses centimeters away from Anna’s face, near her left cheek, and moves his finger laterally left and brushes the side of Anna’s nose)
Anna: Good! My turn. (closes her eyes and reaches up toward the taller Matt, hovering near his chin; Matt mouths “Up” several times; she pokes his lower lip)
Matt: No. (which moves Anna’s finger in the process; she smiles, and quickly taps his nose and pokes his navel with perfect aim) Hey! (he grabs her hands; she giggles)
Scene 6: Chris and Jolie’s Room
(Chris and Jolie, looking uncomfortable, read from the team-building book)
Chris: (pauses and swallows) Describe your reaction to a traumatic event.
Jolie: Well, one of them is my deepest secret. (holds up an envelope) Okay, once I was driving home with my mom from doing errands. I was eighteen, I think. We saw a horrible car crash in the left hand turn lane, not thirty feet away. One of the drivers didn’t make it. It wasn’t gruesome… but I saw the guy who died. (Chris extends his arm which she grabs) Your turn.
Chris: September 11th. I had just gone back to school for my sophomore year. You know, I didn’t know what to think of it. Yeah, it was a tragedy. But what really got me was other people. The way people were quiet all of a sudden. The way my mother became so frantic and jumpy. The way my professors acted all steely all of a sudden. It wasn’t the attack that affected me; it was just how it affected other people… the atmosphere it created. I spent probably over a year on autopilot, just trying to sort things out…
Jolie: No more. We’re going outside to the pool. See if the other teams want to join us.
Scene 7: The Pool
(the girls are on their partners shoulders and are playing chicken)
Anna: (in a Hawaiian print two-piece; to Jolie) No fair! You’ve got a lower center of gravity!
(Chris, in blue trunks, and Jolie, in a pink two-piece, rush Matt, in black trunks, and Anna, who falls backwards)
(James, in red and yellow trunks, and Constance, in a golden-yellow two-piece, then rush Chris and Jolie, who barely recover from the push, but fall over when they overcompensate in re-erecting themselves; Jolie grabs Constance’s arm on the way down and pulls her off James)
(inside, we see Brian checking “Chicken in the Pool” off a clipboard in his hand)
Scene 8: The Patio
(the teams sit in lawn chairs in a circle)
James: …so anyway, that’s how I got my one and only detension.
(the rest of the contestants are speechless)
James: What? It only looked bad. The shelves in that biology lab were old as dirt.
Anna: So, my turn? I think I was fourteen when this happened. Now, in retrospect, I should not have been hanging out with this guy. But, anyway, he told me they were burning incense to cover up the smell of the football uniforms. It wasn’t incense. Anyway, he went to the bathroom, and the bell rang. At this point, don’t ask me what I was thinking, but I went into the locker room. The men’s locker room, so I could dress out for PE, which I didn’t have that semester. Anyway, five minutes later, the entire football teams comes in to find me in my underoos, trying to open “my” locker.
(the rest of the contestants can barely hold back laughter; minutes later, all eyes turn to Chris)
Chris: The only time I ever got detention was… My Spanish teacher was just beside herself because students would forget their book. Anyway, I always remembered my book, except for the one day that she checked and assigned detention for it.
Chris: I never said it was exciting.
(seconds later)
James: How were you not arrested?
Scene 9: Matt and Anna’s Bedroom
(the lights are low, only a lamp illuminating the room; Matt and Anna each hold envelopes; Matt also holds the team-building book)
(in the solarium, James and Constance sit on either side of a couch, holding their envelopes)
(in Chris and Jolie’s room, they sit on the bed)
Jolie: (with a slip of paper in her hand) For my ninth birthday party, I just wanted a day out with my parents. Then the next day my mom would take me and some of my friends out to lunch from school. Anyway, I’d just gotten this pretty new dress. Pink, of course. (chuckles) Anyway, we were going inside my house, and… “Surprise!” All my friends and a lot of my family had thrown me a surprise party. Unfortunately, I was so surprised I fell off our porch into this muddy spot in our yard. It had rained the night before.
Chris: (laughing sympathetically; pulls out his slip of paper) Once, in fourth grade, we were taking a picture during a Halloween party. It’s important to note that my mom was a homeroom mom, so she was there. Anyway, since I was one of the shorter members of the class, I got to sit in a chair in front for the picture. So, being the silly fool that I was, I stated, “Yay, I get to sit in a chair!” This was the time in my life where one of my quirks was to baby-talk. And I pronounced my s’s like sh’s. This came from a kid who had never cussed in his life. (Jolie thinks about that and laughs)
(in the solarium)
(in Matt and Anna’s room)
Matt: …sixth-grade valedictorian. So, I’m done giving this speech about my principal. So, he goes up to accept this award, and he finds something on the podium: a doodle that I had drawn of him in his underwear so I wouldn’t be so nervous about the speech.
(in the solarium)
James: This would not be half as bad had it not happened in church. Now, there was boy named Stewart who never paid attention in church. He was sitting behind me, giving me the summer camp version of the birds and the bees. At one point, I had had enough, so I stood up, and yelled at the top of my lungs…
(in Matt and Anna’s room)
Anna: Don’t ask me where Leslie and I found the video, but long story short, my mom comes home to find her ten-year-old daughter and her best friend kissing like the “ladies were on TV.”
(in the solarium)
James: …and of course, the sermon was about sexual morality.
(Jolie and Chris read the slips of paper, and give each other affection smiles before hugging tightly; she kisses him on the cheek, he her on the temple)
(
James: (reading his) This means a lot. (they hug)
James: (laughing) Drama queen. (she starts laughing too)
(in Matt and Anna hug, each chuckling)
Matt: Did you read the tenth word on the back?
Anna: (she does and starts howling with laugher) Oh, that’s too perfect. Read my tenth word. In the margin.
Matt: (squints) You’re bad! (shoves her in the shoulder; she shoves back) What next?
Anna: (grabbing the book while still sprawled out on the bed) Whisper your darkest secret into your partner’s ear. Do not say anything afterwards.
(in the solarium,
(they hug with one arm around the other’s neck; James whispers to Constance; who looks surprised, then sad and hugs him tighter)
(in Chris and Jolie’s room)
(Jolie looks stunned at Chris; after a moment, she reaches out and holds his face, laying his head on her shoulder and she rocks him)
(he pulls away after a moment, and she leans in to whisper to him; he looks more stunned, then filled with compassion; he holds her as she shakes, tears forming, hands clenched)
(in Matt and Anna’s room)
(Anna pulls away, looking very frustrated; Matt strokes her hair then uses his hand to pull her closer, whispering in her ear; she looks up at him with a sarcastic smile, shaking her head; she reaches under his arms to squeeze him)
Scene 10: Matt and Anna’s Bedroom, Day 11, 8 AM
(Matt sleeps with Anna sleeping face-up with a pillow between her head and his ankles)
Scene 11: Chris and Jolie’s Bedroom
(Chris awakes to find Jolie sleeping on her arms, with her back to him, her shoulder resting on his hand; his other hand pressed against her back)
Chris: (whispers, placing his free hand on her shoulder) Jolie… (she grabs his hand) Jolie…
Jolie: I’m awake. Just realizing this may be the last time we’ll sleep in a bed together.
Chris: Or we might have two more nights together.
Jolie: They say we’re supposed to wear comfortable clothes.
Chris: Yeah.
Scene 12: James and
(Constance is wrapped from the waist down the comforter;
James turns over in his sleep and his face rolls onto some of
James: (wakes up and brushes away
Scene 13: The RV
(the men are in khaki cargo pants and tee-shirts; Jolie is
in a pink tee-shirt and hot pink athletic shorts;
Brian: I’m sure you’ve noticed the scenery.
(outside is a forested area)
Matt: I should have known.
Matt: (interview room) Well, I am an Eagle Scout, so I guess I shouldn’t be too scared about a wilderness challenge or the like.
Chris: (interview room) Matt and I are both Eagle Scouts. And James as I understand it is not unfamiliar with this kind of thing either. The girls however…
James: (interview room) Constance is from
Anna: (interview room) I don’t like bugs. (shakes her head) Just don’t.
Jolie: (interview room) I think I quit Brownies after… a year. We once camped out… in one of the girls’ backyard. Huh…
Scene 14: A Lake Outside a
(an elaborate rope course has been set up: three sets of two poles stretch across a 200-foot lake with several ropes stretched across them, about thirty feet into the air)
Brian: Welcome to the second Beauty and the Geek Triathlon. Teams, you’ll notice the poles behind me. Here is what you have to do. Both partners must climb the poles. You’ll notice the thick lines that stretch across the lake. Those are trick ropes. If more than eighty-five pounds is laid on them, they will fall. Above them are a long series of handholds, which you must use to cross the river. Here’s how you’ll be able to make it across: you will tethered to a line above you, and your partner will be responsible for holding you up as you cross. If the bottom line drops, you must cross using only the handholds and your partner’s support. Then, the other partner must also cross, with or without the lower rope. In the event that one of you falls in, you will most likely pulls your partner in with you. You must then swim across. But I must warn you… (pulls a thermometer out of the lake and hands it to Anna)
Anna: Sixty-one degrees.
Matt: (interview room) (stretching it out) Oh, crap.
Brian: If both partners successfully make it across, there are twin zip lines which our trained professionals will attach you too, and you must zip down. At the bottom, you will find a door. Both team members must go through it and down the short hallway, which is lined with its own special obstacles. After exiting the hallway, you will run a short distance, and be divided. There, you’ll find instructions on how to proceed. If you’ll ready, we’ll get you all suited up. Good luck.
Jolie: (interview room) Okay, I’m scared.
(some time later, all the teams are tethered to the top of the poles and standing near rope bridges)
Brian: (into a microphone) You can all hear me? (all six contestants wave) Good. You may begin… now.
(the teams race up the pole, and at the top, they are re-tethered by profession coordinators at the top)
Brian: It appears to be a neck and neck race between all three teams. And it seems Jolie is already on the rope.
(Chris has wrapped the rope around the post, keeping it taut by leaning back, and releasing the rope from behind his back, keeping an eye on Jolie’s progress)
Chris: You’re doing great, Jolie!
Jolie: You’re just saying that ‘cause you’re not out here!
Brian: Now all three women are on the poles, and both Anna and Constance seem to be catching up with Jolie.
(both Matt and James are also belaying for their partners, but without wrapping the rope around the pole)
(every so often, the girls look to their sides and speed up the best they can)
Brian: It appears
(about five feet from the far post, Constance misses one handhold; she has a good hold on the other, but she dangles, briefly using the low line to regain her balance)
(with a dramatic crack, the rope disengages and falls into the water)
Brian: It looks like James and
(
(James is pulled forward but recovers)
James: I got’cha. C’mon, you can make it.
Brian: And Matt and Chris have both started across.
(Chris gets across half a dozen handholds before the bottom rope snaps and falls)
Brian: But it looks like Chris has lost his holding.
Chris: You got me, Jolie?
Jolie: Yeah! Sorry. (pulls harder on the line)
Chris: It’s okay. (grunts and starts to swing across)
Brian: James has started across. And it looks like Matt has taken a strong lead on his opponents.
(Matt’s bottom line snaps and he misses the handholds, but hangs a few feet below)
Anna: I got’cha!
Matt: Let me fall. I can swim.
Anna: No, you hold tight. (with a great deal of effort, back up to the other side of the pole and starts to lean back)
Matt: Anna, you’re a bit far away, but you are not seriously doing what I think you’re doing. (all the same, he’s being cinched up)
(Anna is leaning about 45 degrees back off the edge of the platform, where the safety coordinator is urging her back up, and she’s refusing)
Matt: (reaches and grabs a handhold) Okay, Anna, I’m set, get your ass back on that platform, you crazy lady.
Anna: (pulls herself up and takes the hand of the coordinator, ignoring him as he chastises her)
Brian: Anna has made a daring rescue for Matt, but it’s given Chris and James time to catch up. James looks like he’s about to pull ahead.
(the three guys, all without their bottom lines, move meticulously across the line; James is ahead, barely ahead of Matt, with Chris only ten feet behind the others)
Jolie: C’mon, Chris, you’re on fire!
Anna: Move it, Matt! You’re beating James by a nose.
Matt: Well, with a schnoz like this.
Brian: And James has successfully gotten across the bridge, and so has Matt. Both teams are ready to zip. And down James and Constance go. Matt and Anna seem to be having some trouble.
Matt: Anna?
Anna: That’s far.
Matt: Anna, take my hand. On the count of five, we’ll jump together. (she takes his hand) One… two… three—
Anna: Count slower!
Matt: Four— (jumps immediately after four, pulling her with
him.
(Anna screams on the way down)
Brian: And Chris and Jolie are right behind them.
(Jolie tries to scream but can’t, then starts smiling halfway down)
Brian: And all three teams are ready to enter the hallways.
(in a clearing, three eight-by-six-by-thirty-foot metal structures have been erected, labeled for each team)
Brian: Now, our teams do not know what is waiting for them in the rooms, so let see how James and Constance are faring.
(in the middle structure, James and
James: (uncomfortable) What the hell is all this?
James: It’s the Lord’s Prayer played backwards. There’s this Internet movie that uses it to scare the crap out of you.
(the come to a dead end, except for a small crawl space near the ground)
Brian: Here comes Matt and Anna.
(they rush into their hallway; it’s lowly lit; Anna shrieks when she notes that there are lot of bugs crawling on the wall and floor)
Matt: Anna. (she simply lets out a whine, so Matt picks her up) We’re gettin’ through this. (he takes a few steps, then stops as his body shifts unnaturally)
(he looks at the ground, noting that the floor is a sheet of ice a few inches thick above water)
Anna: We’re fine. It’s not cracking. You okay?
Matt: When you’ve been on enough winter campouts like me, you know all about hypothermia.
Anna: They’re not gonna put us in danger. Walk! And please avoid those tarantulas. (starts batting crickets out of her hair)
(Matt takes a few more steps before he causes the ice to crack; he hestitates)
Anna: One step at a time…
(Matt takes another step and his foot falls through the ice, going down into the two inches of water; he tilts and Anna puts a hand out to catch the wall, only to pull it back after Matt regains his balance; she starts frantically brushing ants off her hand)
Matt: (no longer scared, but uncomfortable with the water in his shoe) That’s… refreshing. (he continues the trek as quickly as he can)
Brian: Let’s see how Chris and Jolie are faring.
(inside Chris and Jolie’s hallway, the two hold each others’ hands as they walk through the hallway, which is pitch black and punctuated with televisions featuring news commentary of the September 11th terrorist attacks; they are feeling their way through the hallway)
Jolie: You know, this Fear Factor twist they pulled just ain’t right. You okay?
Chris: (stretching his neck) I’m fine. I could do without the sound though.
(the sound is a mess of overlapping news commentaries and recorded telephone messages from the victims to their families)
Jolie: This is wrong.
Chris: What would have been wrong was putting us through this haunted house alone. (looks ahead) Well, isn’t that mean?
Jolie: (frowns sadly) Yeah.
(the exit is blocked by a wrecked pickup truck, one side facing Chris and Jolie)
(in James and
James: (on his hands and knees) It’s only about five feet long. You claustrophobic?
James: It’s a perfectly legitimate fear that frankly every human being shares. My brother took me caving once. The trick is to breathe. I’m going in first, backwards. I want you to breathe in and breathe out right now.
(he climbs in feet first, and pulls
James: (halfway out) You’re not breathing!
James: You’re smaller than me. I want you to sing.
James: Sing! Singer like you, it’ll force you to breathe.
James: Silent Night.
(she starts singing, scooting her knees in tempo; James sings with her; at last, they make it out)
Brian: James and Constance seem to be through their challenge. They are close on the tail of Matt and Anna. It looks like Chris and Jolie are almost out themselves.
(in the hallway, Jolie is crawling through the cabin, with Chris at the open door; while there is no glass fragments, the windshield is shattered, the inside shows the damage from the front end; the inside is smoky)
Chris: Oh, boy.
Jolie: Chris?
Chris: I want in a car wreck once. Didn’t see it coming, so no déjà vu, but I could do without the simulated air bag gas. That was the worst part.
(he crawls in; suddenly, Jolie shrieks)
Jolie: There’s blood!
Chris: It’s fake. Trust me.
(Jolie opens the door, and then wipes the “blood,” which is not even blood-colored, on her shirt; they both run out)
Brian: And all three teams are at the final challenge.
(the three teams are broken up from one another by signs, then each team comes to another split, which puts the male to the left and the female to the right)
(each contestant sees the following sign with a marker handing from it:
INSTRUCTIONS
If you mark this sign, you will be entitled to the entire $250,000 if you team
wins.
However, if both you and your partner mark your signs, the deal is null and you
will be sent through an obstacle course.
If neither takes it, you will be sent down a trail of moderate difficulty.
If only one takes it, you will be sent down a trail of lesser difficulty. It will not be noticeable to your partner.)
Matt: No. (doesn’t mark it)
Christopher: Classic Prisoner’s Dilemma. Jolie would never mark it. (doesn’t mark it)
Jolie: Not in a million years. (doesn’t mark it)
James: You think none of us had taken Econ 101. (doesn’t mark it)
Anna: (holding the marker) Matt wouldn’t mark it. (uncaps it) That’s good for me if I mark it. We’ll get any easy trail. (puts the marker on, but starts to tear up; then runs off leaving nothing more than a dot; she throws the marker angrily in the woods; turns to the cameraman) That didn’t count!
(Matt and Anna are sent down the middle path of the fork)
(seconds later, James and Constance are directed down the same path)
(seconds later, Chris and Jolie are directed down the same path; Jolie slips in some dirt)
Chris: (at her side) Jolie?
Jolie: (gets up, with a skinned knee) I’m fine. (takes a step, but winces)
Chris: It’s not worth it.
Jolie: Yeah, it is. It’s not even bleeding. (puts an arm around Chris and starts limp-pulling him forward)
Chris: It’s bleeding a little. (walks all the same)
Jolie: It’s okay. I’m itty-bitty. Not that much blood to loose.
Chris: That doesn’t work in your favor.
Jolie: We’re losing time. Notice how no one’s catching up? Let’s hoof it. (tries jumping on her good leg faster)
(near the finish line, James, Constance, Matt, and Anna are all running as fast as they can, neck and neck)
(the guys leap forward, Superman-style over the finish line, with Anna and Constance running past)
(Chris and Jolie, still supported by Chris, hop-run with considerable speed toward the finish line, despite noting their third place position)
(they fall after crossing, spinning as so to land on their backs)
(a medic immediately starts working on Jolie’s leg)
Jolie: I got this far.
Brian: Congratulations, teams, you all fought very
hard. Now, we have the final
results. An actual photo finish. (holds
out a 4-by-6 photograph, which shows Anna leaning in further than
(they celebrate with what seems to be tired joy)
(Constance, Jolie, James, and Chris exchange glances)
Scene 15: The Mansion Main Hallway
(Brian leads the teams in;
Brian: Well, Matt and Anna, you are guaranteed a spot in the final round. You can relax for a few days. As for the rest of you, you have a few hours to study. At 10:00 PM, we will have the Elimination Round.
(they nod gravely)
Scene 16: Chris and Jolie’s Bedroom
(Jolie sits on the bed, her leg laying straight along the edge, quietly and pensively, almost catatonic; Chris sits in the chair with the sports book)
Chris: Do you know how football works?
Jolie: No.
Chris: Me neigher. (he flips a few pages) How ‘bout soccer?
Jolie: You run around kicking the ball. Only the goalee can use his hands.
Chris: Well, we’re definitely up to the 5-year-old level.
Jolie: It’s my fault again.
Chris: There’s no “I” in team. If you do poorly in any competition, it might mean I didn’t train you well enough. If I do well, I almost always have you to thank for it. Jolie, in the time I’ve known you, you’ve shown me you’re nothing if not a fighter. Don’t stop now. (hands her the book)
Scene 17: James and
(James reading through the book)
James: Know anything about rugby?
James: Going on… baseball?
(later)
James: I’m supporting you, and you say…
James: Then I say, “Belay on.”
James: “Climb on.”
Scene 18: The Elimination Room
(James, Constance, Chris, and Jolie enter; Brian is waiting for them)
Brian: Welcome, teams, I know you’ve both done this before, so we’ll begin. Since both partners studied the same material, we’re going to do this a little different this time. We have eight questions for all of you. Both partners will remain in the room and will be able to converse. Are you ready? (the teams nod) Fine, Chris and Jolie, you may start.
Jolie: Seven.
Brian: This sport, is by far the most expensive, with teams spending upwards of $200,000,000 a year. Name this type of auto racing.
Chris: (he converses silently with Jolie, both looking uncertain) NASCAR?
Brian: That is incorrect. We were looking for Formula One. (Chris and Jolie still look stumped) James and Constance?
James: Eight.
Brian: What is the origin of the name of the game of squash?
James: (whispering) What?
James: In early versions of the game, the ball was made with a squash?
James: It was a big book. (sighs) Go ahead.
Brian: It’s because the original two-layer rubber ball used in the game was indeed easy to squash. We’ll accept that. (James and Constance cheer) 1 to 0. Your question.
Jolie: Three.
Brian: Name the type of knot used in climbing to attach to the belay harness.
(James smiles, but so does Chris)
Chris: (to Jolie) I got this. (to Brian) What is the figure eight knot?
Brian: Correct. We would have also accepted the double figure eight. (James and Chris nod) James and Constance?
James: Two.
Brian: What team does David Beckham play for?
Brian: No, Beckham plays for Real Madrid.
Constance:
Brian: Chris and Jolie?
Chris: Five.
Brian: Name two common injuries involved in scuba diving.
Jolie: (whispers) Running out of air. (Chris nods) Uh…
Chris: Uh… cold. (to Brian) Asphyxiation and hypothermia.
Brian: (impressed with the SAT words) Correct. The score is 2 to 1. James and Constance?
Brian: In this Japanese fencing sport, the fighters are known as “kenshi,” their armor as “bogu,” and their bamboo swords as “shinai.” Name this sport.
(James mouths an unintelligible word)
Brian: That is incorrect. The correct answer is kendo. (Chris mouths this term) Chris and Jolie, your last question?
Jolie: Six.
Brian: What do at least two of the letters of the acronym BASE stand for in BASE jumping?
Chris: (whispers) We read this. B is building.
Jolie: (whispers) A… airplane? S… no idea. E is… elevator… elevation… (sighs) Building and airplane?
Brian: That is incorrect. B does stand for building. A stands for antenna. S stands for span, meaning bridge. (Chris and Jolie nod) And E stands for Earth, such as mountains, cliffs, ridges, etc. The score is still 2 to 1. James and Constance. You must get this question right to go to a tiebreaker. In the popular playground game of 4-Square, according to the rules indicated in your book, which lines of the grid are “in-bounds” and which lines are “out-of-bounds.”
James: But you’ve played, right? (she nods) How can it not be like that? (thinks) The inner lines separating the players are “out-of-bounds” if hit by the ball, while the outer rim, if hit, still constitutes “in-bounds.”
Brian: That is correct. The score is 2 to 2. We’ll go to the Tiebreaker round. (holds a small stack of cards) These questions will test your team-building skills. Firstly, we need the women to take two steps away from their partners. For this part of the round, both partners will answer the question, so you may not speak or in any other signal your partner. First question, name an important medical condition that your part has that must be taken into account during physical activity. Chris?
Chris: Jolie is predisposed to heart disease. However, she currently has no life-threatening conditions.
Brian: Correct. James?
James:
Brian: Correct. Jolie?
Jolie: Chris has a weak lower back.
Brian: Correct.
Brian: Correct. Next
question, what is one of your partner’s favorite two sports or physical activities
to participate in?
Brian: Correct. Jolie?
Jolie: (confidently) Racquetball.
Brian: Also correct. James?
James: (thinks) Tennis? (
Brian: I’m sorry, that’s incorrect. You could have said volleyball or jogging. Chris, if you get this correct, your team wins.
Chris: Jolie doesn’t play many sports. She does like to go to the pool or the beach, so swimming maybe?
Brian: I’m sorry, the answers we could have accepted were jazz dance or pool. (Chris looks perplexed) Neither team won that question. Third question, today during the triathlon, your partner and you traveled through a hallway with obstacles tailored towards your fears. Please explain the event that triggered that fear. Chris?
Chris: (solemnly) Jolie was witness to a car crash when she was eighteen that resulted in a fatality.
Brian: That is correct. James?
James: (to himself) Claustrophobia. When
Brian: We’ll accept that. Jolie?
Jolie: After the September 11th attacks, Chris was disturbed by the reactions of other people to the tragedy.
Brian: Yes, that is correct.
Brian: I’m afraid that’s incorrect. James’s church was once severely vandalized with stereotypically “evil” symbols. (pause) Since Chris and Jolie both got their questions right and James and Constance got only one, that mean Chris and Jolie are our winners.
(Chris holds Jolie in a bittersweet hug)
James: (hugs Jolie) Good luck.
Jolie: Thanks.
Chris: I will.
Constance: And, you know, I live in
Chris: (laughs) I’ll look into it.
Jolie: (rolls her eyes) See ya. And for the record, we were never competing for…
James: (shakes Chris’s hand) Don’t know about you, but I made a lot of friends.
Chris: (sincerely) Me too. (they pull in for a hug) See you around.
James: Count on it. (they break it, pause, and both say) Fag!
(outside the mansion, James and Constance are interviewed separately)
James: I’m really glad I got this far. I enjoyed my time here… a lot. I made a lot of friends with all the guys, and the girls, who were really hot. (laughs) I’m glad it’s Chris and Jolie and Matt and Anna in the final round. If anyone deserves it, it’s them. (pause) And, I “got action” on this show. I didn’t expect that, and I don’t know how it happened, and I don’t think anyone really does, but it did, and I’m kinda happy it did.
(together)
James: (to Constance)
(they hug)
(James and Constance walk out the door with their suitcases)
(Chris and Jolie walk up the stairs slowly)
~
A/N: So, it turns out I really am distracted by the Internet. Without it, I just find loads of time to write stories while I put off doing my homework.
On the next episode of Beauty and the Geek:
Brian: (voiceover) Our contestants take their partners to learn something new about themselves.
Jolie: (sitting in a motorboat, watching something behind her) Whoa! What is he doing?
(later, Chris floats in the water)
Jolie: You’re crazy if you think I’m going to try that.
(at a shop, Matt and Anna play with clay)
Matt: Want to hear the physics explanation to why?
Anna: Go ahead and tell me, but I won’t listen.
Matt: Works for me. (goes back to molding his mug) Anyway, let me start by explaining air pressure…
(later, Matt and Anna sit watching a TV, eating Chinese food and laughing themselves sick; on screen is amateur computer animation)
Anna: This is so you!
(later, Jolie sits on a chair in a fancy dress playing a cello, absorbed completely in what she’s doing; Chris sits similarly entranced)
Brian: (voiceover) And the teams face off in the final show-down.
(the two teams walk down the stairs together in nice clothes)
(in the Elimination Room)
Jolie: I know this.
Anna: Matt would say…
Chris: (pauses) We didn’t talk about this, but if I know Jolie…
Matt: (smiling) Without a doubt…
Brian: (voiceover) So join us on the season finale of Beauty and the Geek.
A/N: So, anyway, whenever this gets posted, you can expect the next part before long, because I’ve been working with limited Internet access, so I’ve worked on this one and the next concurrently.
^_^ - Okay, this Hall of Terror is nothing. Ghosts! Hah, don’t make me laugh! Fake dead bodies. Puh-leeze! Gunshot noises? Yawn. AHHHHHH!!! It’s a MAT machine! Get it away from me! For the love of all that is good!
Created Tuesday, May 16,
2006. Finished Saturday, June 3, 2006.