Beauty and the Geek: Episode 4

by Godeerc VanDrey

with Creedog VanDrey

 

Category: Beauty and the Geek

Genre: Reality, Humor

Rating: PG

Language: English

Summery: The four remaining team gear up for the next set of competitions, but first… some time off.

 

A/N: Okay, the actual show has started and I’m trying really hard not to be influenced by it.  Luckily, since this is still a seven-episode season, a lot I can’t copy, though the in-jokes are fun.

 

Beauty and the Geek: Episode 4

 

Brian: (voiceover) What you’re about to see is a social experiment, designed to find out if seven beautiful women and seven geeks can help each other to become a whole lot more…

 

Last time on Beauty and the Geek, Aubrey reacts to news of Riley’s elimination.

 

(Aubrey fumes while the teams welcome back James and Constance, causing Chris and Jolie to look worried)

 

Brian: (voiceover) Then our teams played some old games with new twists.

 

(Brian shows the guys the fashion magazines)

 

Kendall: I’ll take the least exciting Victoria’s Secret catalog any day.

 

(Brian shows the women rocket science textbooks; they laugh appreciatively)

 

Anna: (interview room) Rocket Science.  There’s a reason we call hard stuff “rocket science.”  ‘Cause it’s hard! (pause) I sound like Jessica Simpson.

 

(the teams sit in the solarium, trying to study)

 

Kayley: (interview room) It’s kind of disturbing being in a room full of guys reading the Victoria’s Secret catalog. 

 

(Kayley and Constance have made a small tower out of their books, which collapses)

 

Brian: The girls find themselves up-side-down.

 

(a Technical Sergeant in a hanger at the Edwards Air Force Base shows the woman MAT simulators)

 

TSgt. Mackley: These multi-axis training simulators will rotate you in all three spatial directions.  Attached to each seat is a mock circuit board. 

 

(the women, strapped into the simulators try to rewired the colorful circuit boards)

 

Kayley: (screams) I can’t read the board! (she presses her button and her machine slows to a stop)

 

(Constance’s finishes first and her machine stops)

 

Anna: (being let out of her MAT, to the airman holding her) Hey, handsome. (Matt takes her from him) Hey, give me back to Admiral Hotstuff.

 

(the very dizzy girls are supported by their partners)

 

Josh: (interview room) What I would have paid to be the guy strapping in Aubrey.  In fact, any of them would have been fine.

 

Brian: (voiceover) And the guys faced an even more daunting challenge.

 

(at a fabric store, the guys try to build costumes for their partners)

 

(Josh throws his sewing pattern away)

 

(James cuts up leather garments)

 

Brian: (voiceover) Their costumes were judged…

 

(Aubrey works on her ill-fitting costume)

 

(Anna strides down the runway in a traditional Irish stepdancer’s costume)

 

(Constance slinks down the runway dressed in a leather superheroine costume)

 

(Aubrey model-walks down the runway in a none-too-modest cavewoman’s costume)

 

(Jolie glides down the runway in a toga-like angel costume)

 

(Kayley walks down the runway, beauty queen-style, dressed in a modified tuxedo: sleeveless with short shorts)

 

Brian: (voiceover) And there was some controversy.

 

First Judge: Hands down, I believe the winner is Kendall. 

 

Second Judge: I actually think that James’s costume was the best.

 

Third Judge: I found Chris’s costume to be breathtaking.

 

Brian: (voiceover) But in the end, Kendall and Kayley won by a small margin.

 

(Kendall and Kayley share a celebratory hug)

 

Brian: (voiceover) Chris and Jolie share a last tender moment.

 

Jolie: (reluctantly but sweetly) You are such a sweet guy.  Just because you’re love-shy is no excuse for you to have such a… such an ambiguous first kiss. I’m going to give you the chance to redo it.  What do you say?

 

(Chris takes her face in his hand and they kiss briefly)

 

(Jolie, lying beside him, pops her hand on his face)

 

Brian: (voiceover) Which was just in time, because they, as well as archnemeses Josh and Aubrey, went to the Elimination Room.

 

(to Chris and Josh)

 

Brian: (taking Card #4) What does the French fashion term, prêt-à-porter, mean in English?

 

Chris: Well, thank goodness my partner is a French teacher.  It translates to “ready-to-wear.”

 

Brian: What is prominent Italian fashion designer Gucci’s first name?

 

Josh: (bleeped out expletive) How am I supposed to know that?  Lorenzo?

 

Brian: I’m sorry.  That is incorrect.  The correct answer was “Guccio.”

 

(with Jolie and Aubrey)

 

Brian: (takes the card) Name any two space probes that landed on Mars. 

 

Aubrey: Viking I and Pathfinder.

 

Brian: You are correct.  The score is tied three-to-three.  Jolie, if you the last correct, you and Chris will win.  Jolie, what does the acronym NASA stand for?

 

Jolie: National… something… something… Associ—Administration, I mean.  “S” has gotta stand for “Space.”  “A” stands for… Astronautical? (turns around) Chris, is that right?  “Aeronautics”, not “Astronautical”! It’s “National Aeronautics and Space Administration.”  Just tell me if it’s right or not.

 

Brian: You are correct.  Jolie and Chris are our winners.

 

Brian: (voiceover) And Josh and Aubrey were eliminated, but not after some reconciliation.

 

Aubrey: (composes herself) I know we’ve had our…

 

Jolie: (cuts her off) It’s fine. (shakes her hand) I wish you well.

 

Aubrey: Good luck.  But you don’t need it.

 

(Josh and Aubrey walk out with their suitcases)

 

(Chris and Jolie sneak up the stairs)

 

(“I’ve got the brains… you’ve got the looks… let’s make lots of money…”)

 

 

Scene 1: Anna and Matt’s Bedroom

(Chris and Jolie pop in)

 

(happy cheering and welcoming)

 

Kayley: (aloud) We are so screwed.

 

Jolie: (rolling her eyes) You’re not screwed.  It’s a game. (puts her arm around Kayley neck in a hug)

 

Kayley: (interview room) Man, Jolie is so sweet.  It’d make me sick if I didn’t love her so much.

 

Kendall: (to Chris) You feel the same way, right?

 

Chris: Yeah, but we’re not quite at the hugging level, yet.

 

Kendall and Chris: (timed pause) Fag!

 

Kayley: Am I missing something?

 

Constance: Bill and Ted’s Excellent Adventure.

 

Anna: Oh, by the way, just to let you all know, with Aubrey gone, I’m starting a betting pool for which two of us are going to hook up next.  You may leave your bets with me at anytime.

 

(she is surrounded)

 

Anna: (exasperated) …in secret!

 

 

Scene 2: The Patio, 11:30 AM, Day 8

(the teams sit around a large table, eating sandwiches)

 

Kendall: There are seven?!?!

 

Anna: How many did you think there were?

 

Kendall: Like three. (trying not to gesture) I mean, there, then there and there.

 

Kendall: (interview room) Shouldn’t I be the last person she’d expect to be an expert on this subject?

 

Constance: Kendall, you can’t think of it like an operation game.  There is actually some strategy to it.  For, one, seven is just an average.  Different spot have different sensitivities per woman, and order matters.

 

Matt, James, and Chris: (almost in unison) Like permutations.

 

Kayley: Well, what do you guys think? (to the three who just talked)

 

James: (flustered) I mean, I don’t… see that… in a technical respect.  It seems like a highly… chaotic process, and to expect a guy to have a foolproof system is just asking for disappointment.  If you’re so concerned, guys are more than willing to take instruction.

 

James: (interview room) Sometimes I think they forget I’m a biblical scholar.

 

Anna: And moving on, Mister Mariner, are you as clueless?

 

Chris: Probably.  I mean, while I could pluck out seven, I could see an almost limitless number of spots. (the girls look at him expectantly) Oh, brother. (sighs) Besides the three obvious places Kendall was probably referring to… I imagine… anywhere on the front crown of the head, maybe… the temples, I’d bet be a good spot from a purely romantic perspective… the neck along the femoral artery seems logical… either edge of the collarbone, the base of the neck… outer edge of the upper arm near the shoulder blade, the back of the spine… fingers, no doubt because high density of nerves, though it seems a little odd to me… top of the hip bones or the waist … the shins near the knee, arches of the feet, this is really getting into the areas of manual stimulation… (pauses) I know the hair doesn’t have any feeling, but I figure the scalp is pretty sensitive, and I can see that being mutually satisfying… (pauses) That’s all I got.  I’m no expert.

 

(the girls are stunned)

 

Constance: (turns a suspicious eye toward Jolie) What have you been teaching him?

 

Jolie: Nothing!

 

Anna: (interview room) She’s been teaching him something.  Of course, some of what is said was total BS.  The shins?

 

Matt: The elbow!

 

(all eyes on him; the girls look at him)

 

Matt: No, it’s got to be the one place that’s not.  I mean think about it.  Where’s the one place you can safely touch without being accused of sexual harassment?  The head’s off-limits, as are the shoulders.  Upper arm, forearm, wrist, hand, all off-limits.  The elbow, no.  The torso?  Front, yeah.  The back, uh-uh, can’t touch that.  Waist and hips, I don’t even have to answer.  The legs?  Thighs, no me tocare.  The knees?  Can’t.  Lower legs or feet?  That’s “watch it, mister.”  The single solitary place that isn’t: the elbow.

 

Matt: (interview room) Think about it!  How could the elbow even be close to sensual?

 

Kendall: What about…? (whispers in Kayley’s ear)

 

Kayley: That’s one of the seven.

 

Kendall: (assumes a half-fetal position, covering his face) I’ve been scarred for life!

 

Kendall: (interview room) (pretending to spasm) I’m… going to… become… a eunuch.

 

(in the kitchen, Brian checks off “Sex Discussion” on a clipboard)

 

 

Scene 3: The Pool, Later

(they all float in the pool, talking)

 

Kendall: So, Jim Bob, what are your thoughts?

 

James: I don’t care if he does have K in his belt.  Supes is too fast for him to get it out.

 

Kendall: I’m telling you, if they were fighting, Batman would already have it in his hand!  His gloves are not made of lead.  Superman would be at least depowered, so Batman would have the upper hand because of his strength.

 

Chris: It’s a small piece, if Superman gets far enough away, he can use his long-distance powers, ice breath or heat vision.  We’ve got Well Done Batman.

 

Matt: You’re missing the point.  Batman is brilliant.  He’d have devised some way beforehand.

 

Kendall: Superman’s a genius, too.

 

Chris: Actually, the only thing that’s still canonical is his eidetic memory.  And of course he can think pretty damn fast. 

 

Anna: For time’s sake, can we just give it to Batman?  Find someone who could take him out.

 

Chris: Riddler, no questions asked.  He’s got an IQ of 200 and he’s shown he has the upper hand.

 

Matt: If it weren’t for the OCD.

 

Chris: I was getting there.  Cure his OCD, and you can say good-bye to the Dark Knight.

 

James: But that’s part of his character.  It’s who he is.

 

Kendall: Well, maybe he’s got an accomplice that removes the part of the Riddler’s plan that allows for the escape.  Advantage: Riddler.

 

Matt: Whoa, whoa, whoa.  An accomplice?  That’s a clear violation of the rules.

 

Kendall: Then give our friend in black the Boy Wonder and be done with it.

 

Constance: Ooh, ooh, ooh!  Which one? (pause) I’m a comic book geek now.  I know there’s more than one Robin. (the women smile and congratulate her)

 

Matt: Drake?

 

Chris: Drake.

 

James: Drake.

 

Kendall: Drake.  But as Robin or Nightwing?

 

Chris: Even with Nightwing, I still gotta give advantage to Riddler and his evil psychiatrist accomplice-man.

 

Kayley: Can we move the topic in a slightly gender-friendly direction.

 

Kendall: Let’s talk about the love interests of Batman!

 

Jolie: I guess that’s progress.

 

Anna: (interview room) (pretends to snore and then wake up) Are we still talkin’ about superheros? (pretends to snore again)

 

 

Scene 4: The Meeting Room, 4:00 PM

(Brian awaiting the teams)

 

(the women immediately take the couch: Kayley, Anna, Constance, and Jolie from left to right)

 

(the guys sit on the floor in front of their partners)

 

(the women start to mess with the guys’ hair)

 

Anna: You know, it’s so unfair.  I spent about twenty minutes on my hair and make-up each morning.  Matt here brushes his teeth and does his hair.  I swear the whole routine is (gesturing) a dollop of hair gel, rub, through the hair, fix a couple of spots, and he’s done.  We’re talking thirty seconds.

 

Constance: It’s the same with James, only without the fixing a couple of spots.

 

Jolie: Uh, Chris just sprays his hair with water, combs it, pulls it behind his ears, and messes with the bangs for about fifteen seconds.

 

Jolie: (interview room) And it still doesn’t look right.  He won’t let me teach him.

 

Chris: (interview room) Jolie keeps saying she’d show me how to fix my hair, but she’s yet to.  I’d really like to know.

 

Kayley: Oh, huh, I do Kendall’s hair.  It’s a good part, don’t you think?

 

Anna: It looks good.  Of course, you can’t go wrong with red hair. (dramatically sashays her hair)

 

Jolie: (looking down at the hair she’s playing with) Chris, you got good hair.  Constance, feel this hair.

 

(Constance sticks one hand in Chris’s hair)

 

(the guys are just looking at each other, smirking)

 

James: (interview room) What is it with girls and hair?

 

Matt: (interview room) What is it with girl and their hair?

 

Chris: (interview room) I’ve never understood why women spend so much time on their hair.  I gave up years ago.  Supercuts stylists just don’t get it.

 

Kendall: (interview room) (pretends to sashay his hair, which being short and gelled, doesn’t move) 

 

(Brian has his hand on his forehead)

 

Constance: Oh, that is good hair. (starts to feel Jolie’s hair) Though, yours isn’t bad.

 

Jolie: Oh, come on, you should see it when it gets humid.

 

Constance: Been there.

 

Anna: Don’t even talk with an Irish gal in the room!

 

Kayley: My hair is completely inert.  I’ve had so many chemicals in it because of my modeling that it’s not even flammable anymore.

 

(long pause)

 

Kendall: No, she’s not kidding.  I tried to light her head on fire last night.  I did not work.

 

Kendall: (interview room) (Kendall continues to “sashay” his hair, but gets dizzy and falls out of the chair)

 

(long pause)

 

Brian: Why did I let Ashton talk me into a two-season contract?

 

(moments later)

 

Brian: (adopting his happy face) Welcome, teams.  It’s time to reveal your fourth challenge.  Once again, we’ll be having similar competitions.

 

James: Four teams remaining…

 

Chris: Getting women’s phone numbers.

 

Jolie: (groaning) Math.

 

Constance: But makeovers!

 

(the women screech happily in unison)

 

(the guys suddenly look uncomfortable)

 

Brian: Ladies, if you’ll excuse us, the guys will be starting the first part of their challenge.

 

(the girls leave and the guys seat themselves on the couch)

 

Brian: (passing out cards) You may start immediately.

 

(the guys look at the cards)

 

James: “Your mission, if you choose to accept it, is to ask another woman in the house (and not your own partner) to dinner.  You may start immediately.”

 

Kendall: Well, at least Brian didn’t steer us wrong with the instructions.  Well, I’m going to hurry out so I can get first pick.

 

James: Actually, is free-for-all really a good idea?

 

Chris: Mathematically?  No, there’s a 1-in-6 chance that we force someone to ask his own partner.

 

Matt: So, what do you propose we do?  And how did you figure that out so fast?

 

Chris: Oh, I ran the numbers after I watched that episode.  And, we ought to decide before we leave the room who asks who.  I suggest rock-paper-scissors.  Winner gets first pick.  Second place gets second pick.  Third place either gets his pick or is forced to choose the one that allows last pick not to have to take his own partner.

 

Kendall: Yeah, but don’t you think the sponsors would prefer we act like territorial beasts?

 

Matt: That’s what the getting women’s phone numbers portion is for.

 

(two minutes later)

 

Kendall: Anna.

 

James: I’ll choose… Kayley.

 

Chris: That leaves me with Constance.

 

Matt: And me with Jolie.

 

Kendall: Let’s go!

 

 

Scene 5: The Bannister

(the guys look down from upstairs, seeing the girls in the various rooms)

 

Matt: (interview room) This was the one fear I mentioned in my interview.  Going up to a girl and asking her out.

 

James: Kendall, you were the first to pick.

 

Kendall: Oh, that’s why we’re all up here?  See ya, guys.

 

(Kendall sits down beside Anna in the library, who smiles expectantly at him)

 

Anna: (Southern accent) So, what can I do ya for, stranger?

 

Kendall: (Irish accent) Well, m’lady, ay was hopin’ ay cou’d pa’take o’ you’ company for dinna dis evenin’?

 

Anna: That would lovely. (holds out her hand, which Kendall kisses)

 

Chris: (interview room) I could not follow Kendall’s routine.

 

Chris: (seats himself across from Constance) Constance, I was wondering if—

 

Constance: Dinner tonight?  It’s a date.

 

(Chris is speechless)

 

Constance: Sorry, New York thing, cutting people off and all.

 

Chris: See you tonight.

 

Constance: Looking forward to it.

 

(Matt corners Jolie)

 

Matt: Hey, Jolie, wanna do dinner tonight? 

 

Jolie: (politely smiles) Yes.  I’d be honored.

 

James: (interview room) Normally, I’d have no problem with this.  I have female friends, and I’m very comfortable talking to women.  Of course, this is being much more direct that I’m used to.  Then, I got Anna planting romantic notions in my head, as if there were something going on between me and Kayley.

 

(Kayley is in the kitchen, eating an apple)

 

James: Hey, Kayley.

 

Kayley: (four thousand-watt smile) Yes?

 

James: (fiddling with a wooden spoon from the island) I was wondering… if you’d like to have dinner with me tonight?

 

Kayley: Yes, I think I’d enjoy that.

 

James: Great.  See ya then.

 

James: (interview) See, piece of cake.

 

 

Scene 6: Moore Dining Room

(Matt and Jolie sit down and dine)

 

Jolie: So, any reason why you picked me over the other girls?

 

Matt: Chris convinced us to work out our picks democratically. (pauses) Kendall won.  He chose Kayley.  Then James, who picked Kayley. 

 

(Jolie giggles)

 

Matt: What?

 

Jolie: I’ll tell you later.  Go on.  Did you win next?  And you don’t have to lie.

 

Matt: No.  At that point, it was decided.  Chris went next, but he couldn’t pick you.  Even if I had be next, I couldn’t have chosen Constance because it’d leave Chris with you.

 

Jolie: So you were stuck with me.

 

Matt: I can’t complain.  You’re quieter than Constance.  Or Anna for that matter.

 

Jolie: (smiling) I don’t think I can argue with that.

 

Matt: (pouring the wine) You like fish?

 

Jolie: Yeah, but I’m more of a chicken person.  But whatever.

 

Matt: Yeah, being Texan, I’m all about the beef.

 

(Jolie giggles)

 

Matt: Which reminds me, what’s up with James and Kayley…?

 

Jolie: (leans in) Constance seems to think that James kind of has a thing for Kayley.  What do you think?

 

Matt: (earnestly) Honestly, I did not get that impression in particular.

 

Jolie: (leaning in further) Well, you could tell me about the other geeks’ secret crushes?

 

Matt: I’m not really a gossip… but whatever. (rolls his eyes) Kendall is just a stooge.  He pretends to be geekier than he really is.  To tell you the truth, I’m pretty sure he is that geeky, but he just doesn’t hide it. 

 

Jolie: And you guys do? (sips her wine)

 

Jolie: (interview room) I completely let Matt lead the conversation the whole evening.  I don’t think Matt takes cues well.

 

Matt: We’re aware of the fact and we remain somewhat self-conscious.  I mean, you saw how excited we got during the comic book training, but most of the time, do we seem that geeky?

 

Jolie: Only compared to normal people. (pauses) That came out wrong.

 

Matt: It’s forgiven. (Jolie shrugs it off and eyes him to continue) Anyway, Kendall would get a kick out of hooking up, with any of you.  James… James takes dating more seriously.  I mean, I could see him dating Kayley.  I just don’t see him doing the fling thing.

 

Jolie: (laying her glass down) What about Chris?

 

Matt: Chris is a quiet guy. (Jolie rolls her eyes) I think you would know better than I would.

 

Jolie: Humor me.

 

Matt: Chris seems inexperienced, almost clueless.  The kind of guy who harbors crushes, but rarely takes initiative. (Jolie smiles knowingly)

 

Jolie: You know, for someone so quiet, you can read him like book.

 

Matt: There’s all that talk about him and Constance, but… he might just be overwhelmed.

 

Matt: (interview room) The date went okay, I guess.  As long, as you, you know, didn’t think of it like a date.  It was a dinner between two friends.

 

Jolie: (interview room) Matt’s very comfortable around women.  And I have a very distinct personality.  Of course, he didn’t flirt, which I know he knows how to do; he didn’t do anything to make the date more than conversation.  To tell you the truth, as a date, it was dull. 

 

 

Scene 7: Willis Dining Room

(James and Kayley dine)

 

Kayley: So, how are you liking the show so far?

 

James: More that I thought I would.  I was afraid that they would get really ditzy girls and obnoxious geeks, but I’ve been pleasantly surprise.  You “beauties” have all had substance to you; you’re not just a bunch of self-absorbed models, no offense…

 

Kayley: None taken.

 

James: (interview room) That was strike one.

 

James: …and the guys are just like my buddies back home.  Plus, aren’t you pursuing some career besides modeling?

 

Kayley: Veterinary medicine. 

 

James: Not that modeling isn’t a respectable occupation, but being a vet is hard work.  I hear it’s harder to get a vet’s license than a doc’s license.

 

Kayley: (scared) Really?

 

James: I wouldn’t worry.  Plenty of people become vets.  It’s probably just as much work as being a model.

 

Kayley: (scared) Really?

 

James: I’m not getting myself out of this.

 

James: (interview room) That was strike two.

 

Kayley: (interview room) We kind of got off to a rocky start.  I think it may have been my fault.

 

James: (interview room) I somehow got us off on the wrong foot.

 

(later)

 

Kayley: So, you have any pets?

 

James: Not me personally.  My apartment doesn’t allow them.  I like dogs though.  Back home, my parents have a cocker spaniel named Dorothy.

 

Kayley: Aw.  My roommates and I own a small house, and between us, we have three dogs and three cats.  And, by between us, I mean all three cats and the beagle are mine.  Amber has a corgi and Elle a yorkie.

 

(James just nods)

 

Kayley: A friend of mine’s pug just had puppies, and I’m really afraid we’re going to end up with at least one of them…

 

James: (interview room) You know, get Kayley talking about animals, and she could go the rest of the night just chatting.  And she’s cute when she chats. (smiles) Home run.

 

Kayley: (interview room) I nearly made a fool out of myself.  It’s just… we got on the subject of animals, and… oh… (puts her head in her hand)

 

 

Scene 8: Scott Dining Room

(Chris and Constance)

 

Constance: (dramatically) “How camest thou hither, tell me, and wherefore? The orchard walls are high and hard to climb, And the place death, considering who thou art, If any of my kinsmen find thee here.” (long pause) What do you think?

 

Chris: I think that was amazing.

 

Constance: You like the theater?

 

Chris: Yeah, I went to plays all throughout college and high school.  Of course, in high school, I had a reason.  I was in love with the drama queen of our school.

 

Constance: In other words, another incarnation of me.

 

Chris: You could definitely say that.

 

Chris: (interview room) Not the direction I wanted to go in.

 

Constance: And that’s why you have a crush on me.

 

Chris: I have a crush on everyone.  The girls, I mean.

 

Constance: All of us?  Player.

 

Chris: Imaginary player, thank you very much.  And not all of you.  I was never crazy about Aubrey.

 

Constance: Even with her—

 

Chris: Nor Oakleigh.  It wouldn’t work out, I don’t think.  But I liked her as a person.

 

Constance: She was kinda taller than you, wasn’t she?

 

Chris: I’m a little insecure about that.

 

Chris: (interview room) Five-five.  That’s short for a guy.  Another direction I did not want to go in.

 

Constance: And Jessie?

 

Chris: She was nice, but that first night here I dreamt that she was my sister.

 

Constance: You cuddle up with Jolie ever night.  What kind of relationship do you have with your sister?

 

Constance: (interview room) Ah, we made it to the cuddling.  I’ve been trying all week.

 

Chris: (interview room) The bed arrangement.  Yet another topic I wanted to avoid.

 

Chris: Don’t have one.  Wish I did.  I’d probably be nicer to her than my brother.

 

Constance: I hear ya.  Me and my twin brother?  We are so different, it’s like we’re not related.

 

Chris: Do you look alike?

 

Constance: No, thank God. (off Chris’s look) Well, he does look more or less like the male version of me, but I don’t like the fact that it’s so easy to imagine me as a guy. (Chris laughs)

 

Chris: (interview room) I asked a girl if she looked like her brother.  Am I really this awkward? (pauses and replies sarcastically) Oh wait, yes.

 

Constance: And the four of us girls? (Chris hestitates) Oh, will you drop the chivalrous act and be a guy?!

 

Chris: (sighs) Fine.  Anna: love the red hair, but just too spacey.  I could never keep her attention.  Kayley I find very cute; I guess I’d date her if I could manage it.  You… you’re very quirky, and that gets me every time.

 

Constance: I hear ya.  Opposites attract.  Though… am I really your ideal girl?

 

Chris: I guess not.  But I spend a lot of time thinking about my ideal girl, and no one’s gonna come within 85% of my specifications.  I think I’ll just find “her” on day, and that’ll be my ideal girl.

 

Constance: (flatly) Great system.  Works every time. (pause) Jolie?

 

Chris: Jolie… whew, she’s beautiful in the way I like.  At the same time, I can’t get a hold on her.  She very open, but at the same time, her personality is unnervingly hard to get a handle on.  Am I making any sense?

 

Constance: No, but it was very… intellectual.  Don’t you ever just get turned off by something normal, like small boobs?

 

Chris: Can we not go there? 

 

Chris: (interview room) Oh, please can we not go there.  This is one of my mom’s favorite shows.

 

Constance: (pause and looks amusingly at him) I’m just playing with ya.  But you you’d still date her, right?

 

Chris: (briefly hestistates) In a heartbeat. (pauses) Can you keep a secret?

 

Constance: (leans forward; says frankly) Not to save my life.

 

Chris: I told her about my lack of a first kiss, or a good one, and…

 

Constance: (eyes wide, mouth agape) …she offered to redo it?

 

Chris: Uh, yeah.

 

Constance: Yeah, you’re in trouble.

 

Chris: Huh?

 

Chris: (interview room) Huh?

 

Constance: (sighs) Someone, could be me, could be Jolie, somebody, needs to take you on as a project.

 

Chris: A project?

 

Constance: Train you in the ways of love.

 

Chris: I think I saw that movie.  We end up falling in love.

 

Constance: (shaking her fork; states matter-of-factly) You’re thinking of the wrong movie.  I saw it, too, and the guy always wants the head cheerleader.  Do you?

 

Chris: (flustered) Um, I don’t know. (perplexed) I don’t think so.

 

Constance: You see?  The movie I’m thinking about, the guy gets the girl he wants, and she’s the girl next door or something.  The female best friend who trains him, despite the sparks, she gets the hunky background character. (nods)

 

Chris: (without missing a beat, lifts his glass) Here, here.

 

(they clink glasses)

 

Chris: (interview room) I had a great time with Constance.  Though, she really wants me to be a “project.”  I might have screwed it up if it were a real date.

 

Constance: (interview room) Chris, hmm… I pity the woman who has to date him, but I envy the woman who gets to marry him.  ‘Cause she is one lucky broad.

 

Chris: (interview room) A project.  I need to be trained?!  Well, I can’t disagree. 

 

Chris: You ever wish your parents would arrange your marriage?

 

Constance: Huh?

 

Constance: (interview room) Huh?

 

Chris: Maybe it’s just me then.

 

Constance: Arranged marriage?  Don’t you want to fall in love?

 

Chris: Uh, yes.

 

Constance: Learn to say that with more confidence.

 

Constance: (interview room) Did I mention I pity the woman who has to date Chris?

 

(later)

 

Chris: So, how’d I do?

 

Constance: You need work.  Lots of it.  There’s nothing wrong with you.  You just… don’t date enough.

 

Chris: Well, yeah.

 

 

Scene 9: Murphy Dining Room

(Kendall and Anna talking)

 

Anna: …so, that’s how I screwed up.

 

Kendall: Oh, no.  You know the name of the officer and the name of the base.  You could call or write and you’d be back in touch with him.

 

Anna: (smiling) You are so going to be a groomsman at our wedding.

 

Kendall: Plan big, don’t you?

 

Anna: So, I can see, with genes like that, we’re having two, three, maybe four boys if he’s exceptional.  Now, first boy I’ll let him name after himself, but he’s not going to be called “Junior.”  Also, I am a huge fan of Nathaniel.  What do you think of Michael?

 

Kendall: (interview room) Anna got lost in her own fantasy about the airman.  I tried not to fuel it.

 

Kendall: Michael’s excellent.  What do you think of Kendall?

 

Anna: (looks reluctant) It’d have to be the fourth boy.  If he doesn’t like it, we’ll delegate it to middle name, but I’ll do my best to get him to go by it, though.

 

Kendall: Fair enough.  What about if you have a girl?

 

Anna: It could happen.  Kiki.  Maybe we’ll make it her middle name.  How’s Charlotte sound?

 

Kendall: (nodding) Ooh, I like that.

 

Anna: Wanna be godfather?

 

Kendall: (in the Godfather voice) Yes, yes, I would very appreciate that.  Anyone I can have… dealt with, for you?

 

Anna: Kayley if she ever set eyes on my man again. (swings her finger around)

 

Anna: (interview room) Kendall would make a kickin’ guy friend.  You know the guy you’re not gonna date, but you still do things with him.  Double date, what not?  Yeah, and he doesn’t even have to be gay!

 

Kendall: (interview room) You know, I have no feelings for Anna.  But I need someone like her, as crazy if not crazier than me, just to hold a conversation.  My kids are going to be seriously screwed up. (smiles)

 

 

Scene 10: Willis Dining Room

(Kayley is still talking as James listens, empty dessert plates pressed aside)

 

Kayley: (thick Louisiana accent) …and every year we do a crawdad boil.  Amber loves it; she’s a Louisiana girl.  Elle’s a Yankee, though.  She likes it fine, but complains it “too much work for the nourishment it provides.” (chuckles)

 

(James sits with rapt attention)

 

 

Scene 11: Matt and Anna’s Room

(Matt, Anna, Chris, Jolie, and Kendall chat; Constance pops in)

 

Constance: You guys seen James lately?

 

Kendall: No. (with meaning) Kayley’s not back either.

 

Constance: It’s been like three and a half hours.  What are they doing? (smiles wickedly)

 

Matt: C’mon.  We’re in closed quarters.  What do you think they’re doing?  Making out on the table?

 

Constance: Chris and I did that.

 

(they look at Chris)

 

Chris: (overly flustered) I was drunk!  I mean, I was drugged.  I mean, no, no we didn’t! (starts to spasm as leans over onto Constance’s shoulder)

 

Constance: Tell me he’s not trying to outact me. (pushes him aright)

 

(James and Kayley walk in)

 

James: What, did your guys’ dates not go as well?

 

Jolie: Chris and Constance made out on the table.

 

Chris: I was hypnotized! (falls in Jolie’s lap due to the spasms) I mean, brainwashed! (she rolls him off nonchalantly)

 

Anna: Kendall taught me how to stalk people.

 

Kendall: The trick is use disguises.  And remember, cameras are your best friend.

 

Jolie: I forced Matt to gossip. (ignores Chris at her feet)

 

Matt: Then we solved the Riemann Hypothesis, the Theory of Everything, cold fusion, and how to color-coordinate tans and greens.

 

Chris: She knows how to color-coordinate tans and greens?  You’ve been holding out on me, Jolie.

 

Jolie: (exasperated) What planet did I land on?

 

Chris: (interview room) (grinning like a loon) I like silliness.

 

Matt: (interview room) Me, too. (the camera turns, and we see Chris is sitting five feet away being interviewed, too; he’s giving Matt a look)

 

Kendall’s voice: Me, too. (the camera spins around and we see that Kendall is the cameraman taping Matt)

 

(Kendall turns the camera, and we note that James is taping Chris)

 

James: (looks at Kendall’s camera, opens his eyes widely, and walks toward the camera, wiggling his fingers) Boogity boogity boo!

 

(in the background, we see Ashton Kutcher laughing)

 

 

Scene 12: Outdoor Mall, Day 9

(Brian meets with the girls in the courtyard)

 

Brian: Now, I hope your dates went well last night.

 

(the girls smirk, giggle, and mumble responses)

 

Brian: …because believe it or not, it was part of your challenge.  Now, in your hands you hold a card that your partners randomly chose yesterday.  On the back is a logo of some sort.

 

(the girls look at the back of the cards)

 

Brian: You will have forty-five minutes to shop for your partner at the store logo that appears at the back of your card.  Yes, they are all stores that cater to a certain crowd. (he smiles) However, if you’ve forgotten, this is supposed to be a math challenge.  At the table, you’ll find a small whiteboard with a Sudoku puzzle on it.  If you would like the $600 that you’ll need to actually purchase the clothes, you must complete these grids.

 

Anna: Sudoku?  The 9-by-9 grid where each row and column has to have each number like once?  I couldn’t finish that in 45 minutes.

 

Brian: (pointing at her) Thank you.  These are simplified Sudoku puzzles.  These grids are only 4 by 4.  Each row, column, and 2-by-2 square must contain each of the numbers 1 through 4 only once.  You may begin.

 

(the girls sit down at their board and work on the Sudoku whiteboards)

 

(within seconds, they are all erasing like mad)

 

(Anna counts on her fingers, and fills it out again, recounts, looks surprised, jumps up, and shows it to Brian, who gives her the wallet)

 

(Kayley soon follows)

 

(Jolie seethes as she erases her entire board again)

 

Jolie: (interview room) (sullen) Did I ever mention that I hate math?  I’m not bad necessarily; I just don’t like thinking about it.

 

(Constance lets her head drop onto the table and onto her board, and pops her head up with a ‘3’ on her forehead and restarts)

 

(she finishes moments before Jolie; both claim their wallets)

 

 

Scene 13: VIP Men’s

(Anna walks in comfortably)

 

Anna: (interview room) This is Anna returning to her natural habitat.  I’m not sure how I’m gonna spend less than $600 though.  There was also a note in my wallet hinting that I should pick Matt out the ultimate dance outfit.  As if I couldn’t do that in my sleep. (pretend yawns)

 

Anna: (walks to the jeans section, quickly peruses through them and picks a pair of faded jeans, throws it over her shoulder and moves on) These are good. (grabs a black tee-shirt as she passes, checks the tag as she walks toward the shirts; with lightning speed, she moves the hung shirts one by one, and grabs a purple silk shirt before returning it, and pulling out a red striped silk shirt, and throwing that over her shoulder) This is too easy. (walks over to the belts)

 

 

Scene 14: Cowboy Outfitters

(Kayley walks in, smiling)

 

Kayley: (interview room) Cowboy store.  Could be worse.

 

Salesgirl: Howdy.

 

Kayley: (Southern accent) Howdy.  Could ya help me?  I need t’get m’boyfrien’ a complete cowboy getup.  He’s meetin’ my Texan grandfolks and we’re goin’ square-dancin’.

 

Kayley: (interview room) Lord, forgive me; I am a liar. 

 

 

Scene 15: Hot Topic

(Constance walks in with a grin)

 

Constance: (interview room) I’m comfortable almost anywhere, but I picked a bad day to go with pastels.

 

(Constance peruses the aisles and a pierced, black-haired, black-clad salesgirl comes up)

 

Salesgirl: (sullenly) Can I help you?

 

Constance: Just putting together something for a friend of mine.

 

Salesgirl: Halloween? 

 

Constance: No, but close.

 

 

Scene 16: Ben Franklin’s

(Jolie enters the men’s business wear store)

 

Salesman: (in a three-piece suit) May I help you, ma’am?

 

Jolie: I need a good-looking suit for a friend of mine.

 

Salesman: Anything in particular?

 

Jolie: He looks good in blue; 36 regular, trouser size 30 by 32. (the salesman pauses at the sizes) Yes, as you can tell he needs the suit to look all the more impressing.  And my budget’s six-hundred. (smiles sweetly)

 

Salesman: Come with me. (rubs his hands together)

 

Jolie: (voiceover) Despite all appearances, professional wear is the one area I’m not familiar with. (crosses her fingers)

 

 

Scene 17: The Meeting Room at the Mansion

(Brian smiles evilly as the groups file in)

 

Brian: I’m sure you’re all curious about what Ashton has cooked up for your guys’ challenge.  Once again, the prize will be a group effort.  Guys, we’ve all scheduled for blind dates tonight.

 

(the guys sigh and gulp)

 

Brian: But there’s a catch.  We’ve lied to your potential dates.  We’ve told them you’re someone that you’re not.  Your challenge, for the power to choose both teams to go to the Elimination Room, is to successfully get a second date.  The first one to be given a phone number by their date will win their challenge.  But we’re not sending you in cold.  The girl’s have already completed their challenge, which was to buy you clothes.  Soon, they will complete your makeovers.  Ladies, why don’t you tell your partners what they’ll be dressed as.

 

James: (interview room) All of a sudden, I wish I was Catholic so that I had more religions figures’ names to take in vain.

 

Kendall: (interview room) Yee-haw!  I’m so dead, but hey, that’s life.

 

Chris: (interview room) Business suit… err.  Um, I don’t know how I’d do pretending to be a businessman.

 

Matt: (interview room) I’m not sure what to think.  The club scene… not really within my comfort zone.  But it could be worse.

 

Anna: (interview room) Well, at least Matt’ll get in the dance lessons I didn’t get to give him.

 

 

Scene 18: Kendall’s Dressing Room

(Kayley sits Kendall down in front of a hair dresser)

 

Kayley: (to hairdresser) Now, you’ve got an easy job.  Kendall will be dressed like a cowboy and consequently will have a hat, but we still need him to look the part.

 

Hairdresser: Well, we’ll trim and part his hair just in case.  The freckles are good, but we might want to use a tad of this tanning cream to take away the paleness.

 

Kayley: Excellent, Kendall, I want you to practice your Texan accent.

 

Kendall: (bad Texas accent) Well, little lady, I’ll do my best.

 

Kayley: Work on it.  Can you square dance?  Or line dance?

 

Kendall: No, should I be able to?

 

Kayley: Well, fake it and pretend you’re out of practice or something. (sighs heavily)

 

Kendall: Alright.

 

Kayley: I’m not kidding, Kendall.  You can’t Richard this.  You gotta charm the gal.

 

 

Scene 19: Chris’s Dressing Room

(Jolie sits him in front of a hairdresser)

 

Jolie: Any chance you have acting experience?

 

Chris: Well, in seventh grade, I was in a school play as a flying monkey.

 

Jolie: Any business experience?

 

Chris: A couple of internships.  I wasn’t much for the Dilbert environment.

 

Jolie:  You’re not very reassuring.

 

Chris: (interview room) Help.  With Jolie.

 

Jolie: (to hairdresser) I want him to look suave and business savvy.  I’m kind of deliberating between two looks.  The first is the very conservative trim.  But… I don’t want him to look older, too sophisticated, or too young.  So, if you have an obscene amount of gel, maybe we could do the slicked-back look.  Lord knows he’s got the hair for it.  You should feel it.

 

Chris: (interview room) Not the hair again. 

 

 

Scene 20: James’s Dressing Room

(Constance paces in front of the hairdresser’s station)

 

Constance: So, how do you feel?

 

James: Terrified.  Goth is a million miles away from my style.

 

Constance: Well, we’ll prep.  I’m an actress, am I not? (to the hairdresser) Okay, you ready to perform a miracle?

 

 

Scene 21: The Meeting Room

(Brian talks to the reclining ladies)

 

Brian: Okay, ladies, it’s time to see how you did dressing up your partners.  First, we have Kendall.

 

(Kendall walks out in full cowboy gear, tips his hat; the girls cheer and giggle appreciatively; a couple yee-haw)

 

Brian: Next we have Matt.

 

(Matt walks out in tight jeans and a silk shirt, and his brown hair has been meticulous gelled and styled)

 

(the girls cat-call, make sizzling noises, and so on)

 

Anna: (interview room) It’s not like I didn’t have a lot to work with.  Matt’s cute.  To be hot, he just needed a good outfit and hairdo.

 

Brian: Next, we have Chris.

 

(Chris walks out in a tasteful, navy blue, three-piece business suit; all his dark brown hair is slicked straight back)

 

(the girls cheer and Constance and Kayley fan themselves)

 

Brian: And finally, we have James.

 

(James walks, brooding, out in black jeans with a chain, a black Punisher-themed tee-shirt, a dog collar, and spiked wrist bands; his blond hair is spiked and streaked with platinum blond)

 

(there is silence and the girls are more than surprised)

 

Anna: You’re an artist, Const!

 

Constance: It was more than a little work.  We had to do acting drills, too.

 

Brian: Well, it’s almost time for the guys’ dates, so let’s go see how they do.

 

 

Scene 22: Inside the RV

(the girls are watching live feeds on laptops with microphones in their hands)

 

(at Chili’s Bar & Grill, a business suit-clad Chris waits patiently at the table)

 

(a woman in a business skirt suit briskly sits down across from Chris)

 

Angela: (extending her hand) Hi, I’m Angela.

 

Chris: Christopher.

 

Angela: So, tell me, what show is this for?

 

Chris: From what they told me, it was some concept dating show.  A kind of knock-off of Blind Date.  I think we’re an experiment. (smiles goofily)

 

Angela: (not paying attention and looking at the menu) Where’s our waiter?

 

(back in the RV)

 

Jolie: (looking at a stopwatch, then the screen) This is totally not fair.  She’s uninterested. (into the mic) You’re gonna have to up the charm, Chris.  This one’s playing hard to get.

 

Chris: (sighs and adopts a business-like pose) So, tell me, what do you do?

 

Angela: Marketing for retail, mostly.  We ship domestic and to Canada.  I’m in charge of the Midwest.  You?

 

Chris: I’m the software business.  Almost technical, but leaning more towards sales.  I work a lot with the technical writers.

 

(Angela nods as she continues to peruse the menu)

 

Chris: (interview room) Well, the date started slow, but not badly.  It turns out I can’t be myself for this.

 

(at a Western-themed bar, Kendall in cowboy duds is talking to a woman dressed similarly)

 

Jade: So, whatta you think of L.A.?

 

Kendall: (bad Texan accent) Busy.  I miss the Lone Star state.

 

Jade: You lost your accent, didn’t you?

Kendall: (normal Midwestern accent) Is it that apparent?  Some people loose their accents really quickly, and I’m just one of them unfortunately.

 

Jade: (rubbing his arm) Sorry.

 

(in the van)

 

Kayley: (into the mic) Kendall, are you even trying?  ‘Cause you’re kicking butt out there.

 

Kendall: (interview room) Texas girls are easy.

 

(at an “alternative scene” bar, punk-dressed James meets a similarly clad girl)

 

Kira: (dull, low tone) Hey.

 

James: (matching her) Hey.

 

Kira: So, why’d you sign up for this?

 

James: (shrugs his shoulders) The money, I guess.  Rent doesn’t pay itself.

 

Kira: (staring at him) It’s all taxes.  Uncle Sam, you know.

 

(James scoffs)

 

Kira: (looks at him suspiciously and scoff) Later, poser. (walks away)

 

James: What did I do wrong?

 

(in the van)

 

Constance: (into her mic) I knew I couldn’t teach you the Meisner technique in one day.  You put out a good effort, though.

 

Brian: It seems James has already been eliminated after only eighteen seconds.

 

James: (interview room) I’m almost relieved that I didn’t have go through with that.

 

(at a dance club, a fashionably-dressed Matt dances with a girl to a very upbeat song; they are close and Matt looks uncomfortable)

 

Matt: (interview room) I wanted to scream “Harlot!”

 

Matt: (loudly into his date’s ear) You want anything to drink?

 

Rory: (loudly back) Yeah!

 

(Matt nods and walks away)

 

Matt: (talking to the camera) Anna, I feel dirty.  I’ve known this chick for like two minutes and I’ve already inadvertently touched more things that I figured I would touch on the person I married.  At one o’clock in the afternoon.  And she wants a drink.

 

(in the RV)

 

Anna: (into her mic) Hey, Tiger, loosen up.  Get the drinks, two Long Island Iced Teas, trust me.  Get her to a table.  Talk to her about how wild it is here in the middle of the afternoon.  And for goodness sake, sound happy about it.  It’ll walk you through the rest.

 

(in the club)

 

(Matt gets his date seated a table)

 

Matt: Only in L.A. can you have a party like this at 1 PM.

 

Rory: (excited) Yeah, tell me about it! (she starts to quickly drink her tea)

 

(in the van)

 

Anna: (to Matt) You ready, Casanova?  Tell her about this club called Fiebre del Merengue. (Matt looks perplexed) Trust me, Matt.  I can’t stay in a big city for more than two days without figuring out the hottest clubs.

 

Matt: (to Rory) You ever heard of that Merengue club?

 

Rory: Fiebre del Merengue?  Oh, that place rocks!  Wanna go there?

 

Matt: How’s Saturday night sound?

Rory: Hell yeah. (grabs a pen out of her purse and starts to write on a napkin) Call me.

 

Matt: (smiling ear to ear) Thanks.

 

Rory: You look like it’s the first time you got a number.

 

Matt: First time such a pretty girl looks so excited about givin’ it to me.

 

Rory: (laughs) Slow down or speed up, Small Town.  Catch you later. (runs off)

 

Matt: Did I just win?

Anna: Well, there’s some time delay between the other guys, but I think your sixteen minutes, forty-four seconds is going to be hard to beat.

 

Matt: She’s already dancing with some other guy.

 

Anna: Get used to it.

 

Matt: She called me “Small Town.”  I’m from Dallas, Texas. 

 

Anna: She recognized you as old-fashioned.  Took me all of thirty seconds to realize it myself.

 

(at the Western place, Kendall and Jade try to line dance)

 

Jade: (looking at him) How long’s it been?

 

Kendall: Too long.  I’ve been so busy at work since I left.  Suddenly the Texan in me just welled up, and I had to find the nearest cantina.

 

Jade: Well, it’ll come back to you.

 

(the music changes to a slow song)

 

(Kendall and Jade exchange glances before she assumes the dancing position in front of him)

 

Jade: You know, if this were any other song, you’d have just blown it.

 

Kendall: Guess fate’s on my side.

 

(the song is the Dixie Chicks’ “Cowboy Take Me Away”)

 

Kayley: Oh, this is so sweet.  You’ve got her nailed.  I mean, you got her pinned.  Oh, I mean, you know what I mean.

 

(Kendall laughs and Jade looks at him)

 

Jade: What’s so funny?

 

Kendall: I’ll tell ya later.

 

Jade: Later?  Just how do you suppose you’re gonna do that?  I might not be here “later.”

 

Kendall: Well, they do have these fancy-schmancy contraption here in California called telly-phones.  Trouble is, to call someone, you gotta have their number.

 

Jade: Smooth talker, ain’t ‘cha? (slips a business card into his back pocket)

 

Kayley: That gal owes me royalties.  That’s my move.

 

(Kendall discreetly moves his ear bud into his pocket; and Kayley cat-calls)

 

(Chili’s; Angela excuses herself to the restroom)

 

Jolie: Did she take her purse?

 

Chris: (checks across the booth) Yep.

 

Jolie: That means she left.

 

Chris: Life goes on.

 

Jolie: That kind of attitude will get you nowhere.

 

Chris: I didn’t want to get anywhere with her.

 

Jolie: It’s a competition, in case you forgot.

 

Chris: I got the number.

 

Jolie: When?

Chris: Remember when I was showing her my business card?

 

Jolie: Yeah, the fake one you made while we were practicing your business personality; you were all excited about some anagram or something.

 

Chris: Ambigram.  Well, she showed me her company’s logo on her business card, and well, let’s just say that I kept talking long enough for the waiter to come ask for our drinks. 

 

Jolie: When was this?

Chris: You’ll have to check the tape.

 

 

Scene 23: The Meeting Room

(Brian meets the groups)

 

Brian: Alright, teams, it’s time to find out who won the latest competition.  James was disqualified; he was unable to get a number.

 

James: (still in goth clothes) Look at me!  Would you give a number to this?

 

Brian: Kendall got his number at forty-two minutes and fifty-nine seconds. 

 

Kendall: She didn’t have a chance.

 

Brian: However, Chris got his number in nineteen minutes and three seconds.

 

Chris: Don’t hate me.  I used underhanded tactics.

 

Brian: But… Matt slid by with sixteen minutes and forty-eight seconds.

 

Kayley: Wow, was she…

 

Anna: You have no idea.

 

Kayley: Yes, I do.

 

 

Scene 24: Matt and Anna’s Room

(Matt and Anna on the bed talking)

 

Anna: So, Don Juan, who are you thinking?

 

Matt: I’m thinking no one.  They’re all so strong at this point in the game.

 

Anna: We could pretend like the game’s rigged and send James and Kayley both for the drama.

 

Matt: Wait, are they a couple?

Anna: Good point.

 

 

Scene 25: James and Constance’s Room

(Kayley has grabbed James’s face and is kissing it)

 

Constance: (who’s on the bed) Kayley, do you have to do this in front of me?

 

James: (stunned) Uh, wha…?

 

Kayley: We may never see each other again.

 

James: We live like 350 miles away from each other, and we all exchanged contact information, Kay.

 

Constance: “Kay?”  Holy greeting cards, Batman.  You are together.

 

James: No, up to this point, we were not!

 

Kayley: You don’t want to?

James: Sure, I want to, but… (the words don’t come)

 

Constance: James has never kissed on the first date.

 

Kayley: (relieved) Oh, sorry ‘bout that. (pats his shoulder)

 

Constance: Okay, what’s with the buddy-pat, Kay?

 

James: I call her Kay and you think we’re together?  Why are you calling her Kay?

 

Constance: (saucily) ‘Cause we’re secret lovers.  C’mon, babydoll. (Kayley bounces over)

 

(they pretend to make out)

 

James: You know, Constance, I was just getting used to her kissing me.

 

Constance: (“breaking” it) Go over there, we can party later.

 

James: Does it look like I need your help in this?

Constance: Don’t make me answer that, Tulsa.

 

 

Scene 26: Matt and Anna’s Room

(Anna looks up pensively)

 

Anna: Did you feel that?

 

Matt: No, what?

 

Anna: Someone was making out in this house.  I could feel it.

 

Matt: Eyes on the prize, Anna.

 

Anna: I could do so much with that.

 

Matt: Why Chris and Jolie?

 

Anna: Well, math was Jolie’s weakest subject.  So, now it’s behind her.  Chris has consistently been a strong player.

 

Matt: And if they come back?

 

Anna: We’ve had this conversation many times, Matt.

 

Matt: I don’t know how seriously Kendall and Kayley are taking this game.  Then again, we’re all having fun. 

 

Anna: Make it simple; who do you want to compete with in a couple of days?

 

 

Scene 27: Chris and Jolie’s Room

(Chris and Jolie packing)

 

Chris: Jolie…

 

Jolie: I’m not kissing you again.

 

Chris: No, is there anything you want to experience that I could help you with?

 

Jolie: Hmm, what languages do you speak?

 

Chris: English, and I’m pretty good in Spanish.

 

Jolie: No… do you know karate?

 

Chris: No…

 

Jolie: Swing dance?

 

Chris: (perks up) Yeah.

 

Jolie: Okay, teach me something.

 

(later, Chris and Jolie are swing dancing)

 

Chris: One, two, quick-step.  One, two, quick-step.  Underarm. (twirls her) Sweetheart. (wraps his other arm around her) And out. (releases her) And finale. (they throw opposite arms over their heads, slide apart, grab hands, and he pulls forward, underneath his arm, spinning her, and pulls her back into the starting position)

 

Jolie: (cheerfully) Okay, thanks.

 

(Constance walks in)

 

Constance: Hey, sorry to crash your party, but it’s like the Twilight Zone in my room.  Get this: Kayley pops in our room, gives this spiel about never seeing James again, and pulls a Sandra Bullock on him.

 

Jolie: A what?

 

Constance: She kisses him, okay?

 

Chris: “Never see him again?”  We exchanged contact information.

 

Constance: I know.  Oh, that reminds me… (grabs Chris’s face) We may never see each other again.

 

(Chris looks confused; Constance starts laughing)

 

Constance: Just kidding.  Oh, Jolie, are you up for the pseudo-lesbian teasing?

 

Jolie: (taken aback) No.

 

Constance: (facing Chris; matter-of-factly) That’s why you ask.

 

Chris: I’ve come to the conclusion that your life would make an excellent reality TV show.  Have you ever considered it?

 

(Constance rotates her head and looks into the camera, giving it a suggestive wink)

 

 

Scene 28: The Main Hallway

(Matt and Anna stand at the bottom of the stair with Brian; the other three teams wait on the stairs)

 

Brian: Have you come to a decision?

 

Matt: Yes.

 

Anna: At this point in the game, there’s no fun in eliminating teams.  We’re all just getting really close and… and, uh… I’d love to compete with all of you for the next challenges, but we finally decided.  Let me say sorry in advance.  You know it’s not personal.

 

Matt: The first team we picked was Kendall and Kayley.

 

(Kendall and Kayley nod)

 

Anna: The other team we chose was James and Constance.

 

(James and Constance exchange glances)

 

Brian: Chris and Jolie, Matt and Anna, you may return to your room.  Kendall and Kayley, James and Constance, please follow me into the Elimination Room.

 

(Anna hugs Kayley and Constance when their paths cross)

 

 

Scene 29: Chris and Jolie’s Room

(Jolie lands on the bed)

 

Jolie: The suspense almost kills me every time.

 

Chris: (smiles) I kind of wish we had more experience in the Elimination Room.  We’re eventually going to have to go.

 

Jolie: Crazy fool.

 

 

Scene 30: The Elimination Room

(Kendall and Kayley, and James and Constance meet in the room with Brian)

 

Brian: Welcome teams.  I believe you have both been here, so let’s get started.  The women will go first, so guys, please find the viewing room.

 

Kendall: (sniffs) I said I wouldn’t cry at Elimination Rounds!

 

Kayley: (voice cracking, fanning herself) No, don’t get me emotional.

 

James: I’m glad we’re normal.

 

Constance: (grabs James’s shirt; inhales and exhales deeply) We’re at front line, bud. (dramatically) Now I’m going in… with guns blazing.  I want you to come with me.  We can win this battle, but we’re going to have to fight! (breathes quickly)

 

James: (pretends to cock a gun) Locked and loaded, sir! (salutes)

Brian: (on his cell phone) Ashton, we’re getting somebody else.  I will do anything, but I am not hosting again. (sees the female contestants looking at him) Got to go. (smiles) Okay, ladies, let’s begin.  Guys, if you’ll move to the Elimination Room.  Kayley, you’ll be going first.

 

Kayley: Six.

 

Brian: (reading Card #6) Name the mathematician who revolutionized the study of game theory while at Princeton University and whose life was fictionalized in the movie A Beautiful Mind.

 

Kayley: John Nash.

 

Brian: That is correct.  The score is 1 to 0.  Constance, your pick.

 

Constance: Five.

 

Brian: If you have twelve books and you want to know how many ways you can arrange nine of them, what field of mathematical study would you use?  Combinatorics, topology, mathematical logic, or vector analysis?

 

Constance: “Topography” means like hills and stuff, that doesn’t have anything to do with books.  “Logic” would work, ‘cause you have to be logical about stuff like that.  Uh, vectors?  I, uh, don’t even know what that means.

 

(viewing room)

 

James: We studied that.

 

(Elimination Room)

 

Constance: We probably studied that, but I don’t remember.  The last one was… combinations.  That could so work!  What was the other one that I said could work?   Give me the choices again please.

 

Brian: Combinatorics, topology, mathematical logic, or vector analysis.

 

Constance: Combinatorics.  I think. (pauses)

 

Brian: That’s correct.  One to one.  Kayley.

 

Kayley: Three.

 

Brian: What is the formal geometrical name for the object we call a ball, the collection of all points a certain distant from a point in space?

 

Kayley: A sphere.

 

Brian: Correct.  Constance:

 

Constance: One.

 

Brian: 1 to 2.  Which one of these is not a prime number?  2, 9, 11, or 37?

 

Constance: The prime numbers are all odd, right?

 

(viewing room)

 

James: No.

 

(Elimination Room)

 

Constance: 9’s prime, so’s 11, (pauses to think), and so’s 37.  My answer is two.

 

(viewing room)

 

James: No!

 

(Elimination Room)

 

Brian: I’m sorry; that’s incorrect.  Nine is not prime.

 

Constance: Darn.  Oh yeah, it’s three times something. 

 

Brian: Kayley, you have two choices left.

 

Kayley: Two.

 

Brian: What is fourteen squared?

 

Kayley: No!  Okay, let me think.  Four times four… sixteen.  (writes in the air)  Four times one is four, so… carry the one, fifty six.  Then you… plus fourteen with a 0.  That’s… (counts on her fingers) 206.

 

Brian: That is incorrect. (Kayley’s jaw drops) Fourteen squared is one-hundred ninety-six.

 

Kayley: Ow.

 

Brian: Constance, you have the last one.  The score is two to one in favor of Kayley and Kendall.  You question is to answer whether this logical conjecture is correct.  “If A, then B, and if B then not C.”  True or false, this is the same as, “If A, then not C.”

 

Constance: Huh?  If A then B.  Yeah.  If B, not C?  If A, then B… then B!  So B, and if B, then not C.  Then if A, then not C?  Yeah.  True!

 

Brian: Correct.  The score is two to two.  Guys, if you’ll please return to the Elimination Room.

 

Constance: (interview room) I have no idea what just happened.

 

(the guys return and congratulate their partners, who then leave)

 

Brian: Well, guy, your partners both did very well, earning you each two points, and putting all the power in your hands.  Are you ready?

 

James: Yes.

 

Kendall: Yes.

 

Brian: Alright, then Kendall, you start.

 

Kendall: Four.

 

Brian: After a mutually successful date, and the woman has given you her phone number, after how many days is it alright to call?

 

Kendall: One?  You can call the next day, right?

 

Brian: That is correct.  James?

 

James: One.

 

Brian: After what period of time is it alright to stop complimenting your significant other?

 

James: (thinks) That has to be a trick question.  Never?

 

Brian: Correct.  Score is three to three.  Kendall, your pick.

 

Kendall: Five.

 

Brian: Is it polite etiquette to sneeze into one’s napkin?

 

Kendall: (thinks) Uh… I do, but I’m probably wrong.  So, no, it isn’t good etiquette?

 

Brian: I’m sorry, that’s incorrect.  It is fine to sneeze in one’s napkin, but not to blow one’s nose. (Kendall grimaces) James, your question.

 

James: Six.

 

Brian: Name one rule of Internet dating.

 

James: (laughs) Bring friends.

 

Brian: That is correct. (James just shrugs) Kendall, the score is four to three.  You must get this question correct to stay in the game.

 

(viewing room)

 

Kayley: Ooh!  Pressure!

 

(Elimination Room)

 

Brian: Kendall, name two people that you should not talk about on the first date.

 

Kendall: Uh, my mom and the president? (laughs)

 

Brian: That is correct.  James, if you get this answer correct, you will win.  If not, we will go the tie-breaker round.  Which side of the table should the man sit on a date?

 

(viewing room)

 

Kayley: What?

 

Constance: What?

 

(Elimination Room)

 

(Kendall is perturbed)

 

James: (pauses) It was in the book.  I know it was.  You seat your date, then you seat yourself, on the side of the table… facing the wall, because then you can’t be distracted by the other patrons and therefore be accused of looking at other women during the date.

 

(viewing room)

 

Constance: How the hell did he know that?

 

Kayley: How did he know that?  I didn’t.  But, it’s a brilliant rule!

 

(Elimination Room)

 

Brian: (smiles) That is correct, James.  Congratulations.  You and Constance have won the round.  Ladies, if you’ll return.

 

(Constance tackles James and straddling his stomach throws her arms in the arm with victory)

 

(she stands up to talk to congratulate the others, but she is passed by the running Kayley, who slams the recovering James against the wall, kissing him)

 

Constance: Kendall, good game. (extends her hand)

 

Kendall: Well played.  You’ll be missed. (grabs her hand and pulls her into a hug)

 

Kayley: I think he passed out. (looks at James, crumpled on the floor)

 

Kendall: And you never taught me this technique?

 

Constance: (grabs Kayley) Bye, Kayley, we’ll stay in touch.

 

Kendall: (kneels to shake the disoriented James) Well done, m’boy.  Can’t say I didn’t wanna win, but you put out a first rate effort, and you deserved this victory, my good sir.

 

James: (groggily) Did I sunburn my lips?

 

 

Scene 30: Outside the Mansion

(Kendall and Kayley sit outside)

 

Kendall: I had so much fun on this show.  The guys were goofy.  The women were ridiculously beautiful.  Funny I never got a kiss out of it. (pauses, leans in; the camera zooms in on him; he whispers) But don’t tell anyone, but I’m lying.  I totally pulled a Richard on Constance when the cameras were rolling.  Also, I did the same thing to Kayley. (pause) And Aubrey.  And Anna. (sits back up; the camera zooms out; in a formal voice) But I must say that this show has really made me a better person.  I’m more confident.  Especially around women.  In fact, now I have to beat them off with a stick.  I wouldn’t trade… (more sincerely) I wouldn’t trade the world for this experience.

 

Kayley: (weeping) Sorry, I get so emotional.  James and me… we were getting to be so close. (sighs) But it’s bittersweet.  I know that we have contact information and we lives only a few hours away and that it’s not at all like I’m never going to see him again.  But I’m still sad.  It was fun.  It was a lot of fun.  We swam.  We had dorky conversations.  We gossiped.  We played fun games.  We did each other’s hair and… This is just like having to leave summer camp! (whimpers)

 

(Kendall and Kayley together)

 

Kendall: I couldn’t ask for a better partner.  Kayley has such love and joy that it was wonderful being around her.  She had great taste in cowboy duds. (Kayley laughs; he grabs her hand) I have a great new friend.

 

Kayley: (starts to speak but get all choked up) Sorry!  Kendall rocked, too!  And he makes a hell of a tuxedo! (gets choked up again) This was an awesome experience!

 

(Kendall and Kaylee walk out with their suitcases)

 

(James and Constance sneak up the stairs)

 

~

 

A/N: I know, I know.  It’s been forever and a half since I posted.  I’m really very sorry.  I just needed some time off.  Ironically, it came in the middle of finals season.  I’m nothing if not a procrastinator.

 

On the next episode of Beauty and the Geek:

 

Brian: (voiceover) The final three teams face off in a surprise group competition.

 

(the teams looked terrified as the look into woodsy area)

 

(the teams stand on platforms on thirty-foot poles overlooking a lake)

 

(James and Constance race beside a river)

 

Brian: (voiceover) Not to mention other challenges.

 

(the three teams sit in a circle, looking at James, speechless)

 

(later)

 

(the three teams sit in a circle, looking at Anna, trying not to laugh)

 

A/N: I actually haven’t written the last chapter, so in reality, I’m actually challenging myself to include these scenes.

 

^_^ - (lifting an eyebrow) So, anyway, miss, I’m an astronaut.  In fact, just the other day, I was training at Edwards Air Force Base.  They have these things called MAT machines…