by Doc
Taking a deep breath she speaks. 'I've known you your whole life.' Taking another deep breath. 'What the hell were you thinking? Suicide?' Anger rising. 'Jesus Christ. For crying out loud, just how stupid are you? Seriously what were you thinking? Actually were you thinking?' Stopping and looking, she turns and sees the tears. 'Oh god, I'm sorry, it's just...' Taking the young woman in her arms she holds her as the tears rain down. Her anger disappears as the shock is lost and the love for her daughter shines through as she holds her, rocking her, telling her it will all be alright.
With a start Kerry Weaver wakes. It's dark, she takes a minute to find her bearings. She's home. She's not alone. Her lover stirs next to her. 'You OK hon?' Kerry doesn't reply. She stares straight ahead into the darkness. It reminds her of the deep dark abyss that she fell into. The deep abyss that surrounded her, overtook her, that almost ended her.
'Bad dream that's all.'
'What was it about?' Her sleepy lover asks.
Taking a moment before answering. 'It was an old memory. One I'd almost forgotten.'
'You OK?' Her concerned lover asked as she gets up to comfort her.
'I'll be fine. I am fine. I'm always fine. Just ask anyone who knows me.' She said the last bit with a small laugh. She didn't think it was funny, it just came out that way.
Her arm now around Kerry she spoke, 'Your nightmare was real? I mean it was an old memory, it happened to you in real life? Is it something you want to talk about? Did this thing happen recently?' There was no reply. Pausing to think about what to say next. She finally continued. 'This memory is bothering you. You need to deal with it. You need to get it out in the open otherwise it is going to consume you.'
'It's one nightmare. Based on one memory. You think that is going to consume me? I don't want to talk about it.'
'Not talking about it won't make it go away and I know Kerry that this is not first night you've had a nightmare. I've held you many nights in a row after you have awoken in tears from your nightmares.' She felt her lover stiffen in her arms. 'I held you until you were asleep. You never mentioned it in the morning. I wasn't sure if it was because you didn't want to talk but I soon realized you had no idea you had awoken. This is consuming you. A little at a time. You need to...'
Cutting her off Kerry spoke, 'I need to what? Can you go more than five seconds please without analyzing everything I say. Without trying to counsel me.' Turning to face her lover she went on, 'Can you do that for me please? Can you?' She waited for a repose. Her lover nodded. 'Good. Now I'm going back to sleep.' Kerry slid down into the bed on her side.
Lying down beside Kerry, leaning slightly over her lover, she took her in her arms, 'I love you Kerry Weaver and whatever it is that is troubling you, whatever your demons are I am here for you. I'll listen. I'll talk. I'll hold you. I'll cry with you. Whatever it is, no matter what it is, I am here for you, with you. I love you now and for always. You are mine and I am yours, no holds barred, we are together, one, forever.' In a whisper, almost inaudible Kerry Weaver's lover continued, 'Trust me Kerry, please.' A tear escaped and landed on Kerry's cheek.
Kerry turned, looked up at her lover, tears running down from her own eyes. She took a deep breath and let it out afraid to speak, afraid her voice would fail her. Emotion had overtaken her. Love. Fear. Hatred. Hatred towards who? Herself? Her lover? No, never her lover. Her mother? If her mother which one? The one who abandoned her. Who left her with issues of trust. The one who left her wondering at nights if her new family would be there when she got up. Or was it the one who raised her? The one who held her when she hurt. The one who held her while she cried after she got her very first B ever when she was in Fifth grade. The one she called mom. The one who held her in the night when she had a nightmare. The one who held her when she came round after her failed suicide attempt. The one who never pushed Kerry to reveal why she tried. The answer was no and no. She hated neither of them. They both did what they thought was right but Kerry did wish her mom had pushed a little more and got the reason out of her. She was relieved she didn't but wished she had, it was confusing, she wasn't sure then what would be best and she still didn't know.
Should she reveal now to her lover what happened to her? What pushed her over the edge? What she did? What keeps coming back to haunt her, finding her while she sleeps, repeating what happened until she awakens, her heart beating fast, fear overtaking until she realizes she is home. Her own home. Safe. Locked in. Not alone, taking a second, her breath held until she sees it is her lover in bed. Her lover ... her lover, waiting, looking at her. Watching every emotion on Kerry's face. Her lover waiting for a reply. Her lover who asks for nothing but deserves the world. Her lover here, now, holding her, looking at her, loving her. Her lover who wanted her. Her lover who she loves.
She finally and just barely found her voice, 'I trust you.' Tears flowing, her heart beating, she knew it was time to share her story. Fear flooded through her but her lovers eyes, they shone with love and trust and understanding, she knew she would be fine. 'I want to tell you about my nightmare. I want to tell you about me, what I was dreaming about and what led to me doing what I did in my dream. I love you more than I have anyone else in my life.'
They sat up and wiped their eyes. They held each other and Kerry finally found her voice. Her lover waited and released her hold on Kerry. She took her hand and Kerry took one final deep breath before starting, 'Abby, it all started when I was heading home from school...'