by Chic
"My fault Kim? It was my fault? All my fault?" My god she really does not take any responsibility for any of it. "You know what, we've been back together, what, 6 weeks and all I've got is that it was all my fault. I realize MY mistakes. Well, what about yours, Kim? It wasn't all me. Not even close. No, I'm not taking this anymore." Damn this, damn her, how, why do I let her do this to me? I need to get away from her. "I'm going, I can't......"
"Wait, Kerry, wait."
"What." She said wait. Wait for what? Wait to hear how I screwed up? "Wait for what Kim?" She looks so lost right now, and pissed off. Talking now is not a good idea. "No. No I can't wait. I can't do this, not now, not here. We shouldn't do this now." Why don't I sound as sure I think I am? Oh God this is killing me. "Kim, we need to talk. I mean really talk."
"I know we do, we will, we can go back to my....."
"No, no....."
"Fine, ok, we can go to yours then, whatever you want."
Whatever I want. That's just it I get what I want and it'll be held against me. Damn me for thinking that. "No, Kim we need to talk properly, not just skim over the bits that hurt. We need to face it, all of it."
"And we can't do that at either of our houses?"
"Yes, of course but not now, I just can't right now, The thoughts going through my head, well I couldn't hold a civil conversation with you." I know I'd say something I'd only regret the second after I said it and knowing me I wouldn't take it back straight away and it would just build until.....
"What thoughts are those, Kerry?"
"Right now, with all that's happened you don't want to know Kim. Trust me."
"Kerry. Kerry, we do need to talk. When?"
I just want to hold this woman and never let her go. I just don't know how to let her know it. "I love you Kim." Well that would be a good way.....Oh my God, did I just say it out loud? By the look on her face I did. Oh no. Oh my. What now? "I'm working tomorrow night, how about the night after?" OK, I maybe said that kind of fast.
"I....."
She's still looking lost, not so pissed off, I don't think. I said and meant it. I'm not sure she believes me. "Kim, I do you know, love you. I want this to work." Ok, I'm calming down now. Breathing, almost back to.....Surely she knows I love her, how could she not? Because you never told her, that's why she didn't know. Instead of shouting, instead of excuses 'I love you' would have been so much better. "Kim, you did know I loved you right, that I still do?"
"I......we....."
Her mouths moving but nothings coming out. What should I do? Would kissing be inappropriate? God, what's the proper etiquette for this? Damn, damn, damn.
"Kerry, I....."
Oh, great, she starts to speak and I kiss her. Oh how I love this woman. Mmmmm, she's good, real good. This bit I love and hate, the kiss is over but I get to look into those eyes, except I can't this time. What if I'm not enough, what if she wants more, what if she doesn't.....
"Are you going to stare at your feet all night?"
"I wasn't looking at my feet, I was looking at yours." Good she sees my smile, she's smiling, she knows I'm kidding. Me and humor, we've never went that well together but Kim, she seems to get me.
"Mmmhmm. Any reason why?"
I love when she does that with her eyebrow. Kind of arches just the one, who knew an eyebrow could be so.....Mmmmm.....Oh and that smile. It gets me every time. Snap out off it. She's waiting, say something.....anything. "Nothing means more to me than you. Nothing."
"What about work?"
Work? Oh god does she think....."Oh, very funny Legaspi." Damn she got me. What was I saying about humor and me? "Nothing not even work means more to me than you. Most of the time." She's still smiling good. Good.
"Kerry....."
"Are you ok for the night after tomorrow night?"
"Kerry....."
"I could try and change shifts but....." Oh my God I'm rambling. ".....I doubt that I would be able to....." And I can't seem to stop. ".....You know how it is....." And still I'm talking, she looks bemused now. "Kim....." Oh great, NOW I stop talking.
"Kerry. Calm down. It's alright. We both have a lot of hurt. We've both faced it alone and have been to scared to share and it's destroying us."
Her voice is so soft and sweet right now. I could listen to her speak forever. Her face has nothing but concern. Why had this woman chosen me to be with? She could have any lesbian she wanted, so why me? Lesbian. Lesbian. Even the thought of that word is strange. Dr. Kim Legaspi is my girlfriend.
"Why are you laughing Kerry?"
Oh no, I was laughing out loud. Damn. Quick think up something. She's beginning to look pissed off again. Honesty. Not a good idea right now. "I, erm, I was thinking off something."
"Oh, and that was?"
There's that eyebrow thing again.
"Kerry."
Oh, now she's really pissed.
"Were you laughing at me?"
"No. I....."
"No, then why are you smiling like that? Are you making fun of me Kerry?"
Oh god. "Kim no. Please believe me, I was not and I repeat, was not laughing at you. You believe me right? Kim. Please."
"Then tell me....."
I've taken her hands, they're cold. I should get her some gloves sometime. She's looking at me. Oh, right, I've not said anything yet. "Kim." Deep breath. Steady. She still looks pissed. She's really annoyed now. Ok, here goes. "Kim, I think it's best I tell you another time."
"I want to know now."
She's getting mad now. "Kim it sounds stupid and with all that we've said you'll just get the wrong impression because we're both still worked up. You more so now. I'll start to tell you and before I can finish we'll be in the middle of another argument. So please my love trust me when I say it's best I tell you at another time."
She seems fine with this explanation. I think. Sometimes reading her expressions is so hard.
"Your right Kerry we need to talk. Maybe we should do it over a meal, in a restaurant, a very busy restaurant."
"Why?" Why would she say that? Oh, right. "You think we'll lose it or something? I'm sure we both can remain calm." Why are we both laughing at this?
"Yeah but I'm sure there's less chance off us screaming at each other."
"Like standing in the middle of the street just stopped us?
"Point taken but....."
"We....." No, that's not right. "I....." What am I going to admit to now? "Kim, I haven't felt anything like I feel for you for anyone before." Ok, that didn't make sense or did it? She's smiling, is she laughing? What's that look on her face? I haven't seen it before. "What I'm saying, trying to say." Breathing would be good thing to do right now. Deep breaths. Deep, deep breaths. "Kim....."
"Kerry, I love you too."
End of part 1
