Sephiroth the Cheese God

 

Rating: PG
Genre: Comedy
Setting: Who knows?
Main Characters: Sephiroth (Duh)

Note from the Authoress: firstly, I would like to thank my good friend light for giving me this idea. Secondly, events and things in this story have no necessary link to FF7. Also, I’m not entirely to sure why I had Sephiroth drinking brandy, he just seems like a brandy type of guy

 

Part 4

Sephiroth glared angrily at the slave master. Pathetic mortals. How dare they imprison him, Sephiroth, among slaves? People were going to pay dearly for this. Very dearly. Still, on the plus side, at least he had found some slaves. Ok, so he was chained up next to them. Minor setback. Easily overcome. All he had to figure out was how to overpower the slave driver, break out of the ships galley, fight back about thirty pirates, swim back to shore and get back to his flat. Taking the slaves with him of course. Otherwise what would be the point of this humiliation? He started to think. What problems could he possibly encounter? Well, he had no weapon, so he would have to fight the pirates with his bare hands, when they were all armed with cutlasses and scimitars. He also had no file or lock pick, so he would still be chained. Well, the chains could double as a weapon. But he would still be chained to the other slaves. He thought about this for a moment. In his experience people were not too happy to be bashed over the head with another person. They tended to run away if this seemed like happening. He stored this important fact in the back of his mind. It might prove to be useful. Now, supposing he beat all of the pirates. There was then the problem of getting back to land. They must be a good way out to sea by now. Well, he could swim easily enough. But he would still be chained. In iron chains. Not good. If the chains didn’t drag him underwater the slaves probably would. He sat up straighter. First things first. Lets get rid of the pirates first. But how?

Sephiroth thought back to all the cheesy pirate films with slaves escaping he had watched. Well, there was one method that stood out in his mind. He gasped out loud and collapsed heavily on his side. Only he fell the wrong way. He felt himself bash into the half starved body of the slave sitting next to him. The slave gave a squeak of terror and fainted. Sephiroth ricocheted off of the slave, whacking his head on the bench in front. If he had thought quickly he could have still saved his bluff, by staying down. However, he ruined the moment, sitting up and shouting dammit. He rubbed his head angrily; a trickle of blood ran down his forehead. The slave driver was coming over to see what the commotion was about. Well, he would have to do something about the fainted slave to Sephiroth’s left. Sephiroth continued to rub his head, waiting for his chance to attack the pirate.

“’ere, wots goin on ‘ere then?” Sephiroth leapt into action. At least, he would have leapt, had the chains not restricted his movements. As it was he simply tried to jump up, tripped, and fell into the pirate. The pirate staggered backwards as Sephiroth’s weight landed on him, and in turn tripped over one of the chains, and landed heavily on his side, breathing, but clearly unconscious. Sephiroth, with some difficulty, staggered to his feet. With renewed cheerfulness because his plan had actually succeeded, albeit not as gracefully as he had intended, and he had ended up with a scratch, Sephiroth dragged at the chains, managing to force them away from the shoddy attachments to the ship. The slaves showed no sign of intending to move. Sephiroth gave a sigh of annoyance. He addressed the slaves, much the same as one would address an incredibly stupid child, with an incredibly patronizing air.

“You are free! I have released you. You will journey with me back to my home and be my slaves instead. I will probably feed you. Do you understand?” The slaves looked at each other, then in unison bowed towards Sephiroth.

“Oh great and powerful one, lead us across the desert to your land of milk and honey” they chorused. Sephiroth tilted his head slightly. Well, at least they understood that they were now his, and technically free. In the broadest sense of the word. At least in Sephiroth’s dictionary. Anyway, he felt that he should say something clever, to prove that he was truly great.
“It’s cheese, not milk and honey.”

Somehow they had managed to get onto the deck. It hadn’t been an easy task. The slaves kept kneeling and praising him. While Sephiroth enjoyed all of this praise, he would prefer to be back home while receiving it. However, he had eventually managed to convey to the slaves the message that they had to leave the ship. Now they were on deck, and things weren’t going quite as smooth as he had hoped. The pirates had seen them. They were momentarily paralysed with shock that the slaves had figured out about the shoddy work below, but Sephiroth could tell that it wouldn’t last. So he quickly barked out orders to his new slaves.
“Ok, link elbows, those to that side face the front of the ship, those to the other side, face the back of the ship, and everyone run clockwise!” Slightly baffled the slaves did as they were bid. With Sephiroth at the middle, they formed a line, linking arms. The line started to spin. Faster and faster, until they were eventually going so fast that the slaves on the outside were no longer running, merely flying through the air, in circles. And effectively knocking the pirates over the side of the ship. Eventually Sephiroth judged that all of the pirates had been disposed of. He slowed to a halt, and the slaves in the air skidded onto the floor, leaving long skid marks as they slowed down sharply at contact with the deck. Sephiroth staggered slightly, incredibly dizzy from the spinning. He collapsed on the deck, and ordered one of the slaves who could still manage something vaguely resembling a walk, to pick up a discarded cutlass and break the chains chaining Sephiroth to the slaves. The slave set to work at once. Sephiroth smiled. It seemed that things were finally going right for him.

 

END OF PART 4