"Don't put off 'til tomorow what you can do today: And if you die in your sleep tonight, you spent your last day on earth doing laundry."
"You can't catch ugly, can you?"
"This just in: New York City police have reportedly apprehended the person who let the dogs out."
"An Arizona company is selling a 'scratch-and-sniff' test to screen for Alzheimers disease. Apparently, if you scratch the panel, but forget to sniff, you've got Alzheimers."
"Someone should invent action figures that are lanky and have no superpowers. Then the youth of today might respect people like me."
"A Virginia man is facing drug charges after a state trooper found over $1,000 worth of marijuana in his son's diaper bag. This is either the case of a very bad father, or a wonderful magic baby who poops weed."
"Snoop Dogg is predicting that GM stock will go up with the introduction of his limited-edition Snoop Deville Sedan. Especially since it was named the "Best New Sidizin of the Yizun" by Cizzun and Drizun Magazizzin."
"Daniel's from Canada. The other day, me and Gobi convinced him that American girls really like it when you wear mesh tank tops and quote lines from Billy Joel songs."
"Now that the Taliban is gone, Afghani men are lining up at barber shops and shaving their beards off as a sign of freedom. Unfortunately, most of them are saying, "Make me look like AJ."
"Zyban, the perscription medication designed to help some people quite smoking, is being sued in three countries by people claiming family members who took the drug died suddenly. A spokesperson for the pharmeceutical company said, "Yes, but are they still smoking?"
"An Australian man, Rodd Milner, announced that next March he plans to skydive from 25 miles above the earth reaching speeds over a thousand miles an hour and breaking the sound barrier. And in future news, Rodd Milner is dead."
"On Wenesday, over sixty medical and women's groups told the government that the morning-after contreceptive pill is safe and should be sold in drugstores and supermarkets without a perscription. 'Okay, I need a price check on the whore pills! I got a drunk girl in a prom dress over here, can we hurry up? Price check, whore pills?'"
"We work at Jeffery's. We read Italian Vogue. It's our deal. I don't come to where you work and knock the corndog out of your hand."
"So Ben, what's it like to have people like you?"
"I'm Carson Daly, and I'm completly average in every way."
"I do all my reports on video because I suffer from several as-yet-unamed learning disabilities."
"A little song, a little dance, a little seltzer down the pants!"
"A Pennsylvania woman who was convicted for shoplifting has been sentenced to wear a badge reading "convicted shoplifeter". However, her lawyers hope to plea bargain down to a bumper sticker reading, "I'd rather be stealing."
"Oh, it's the email thats stupid, not you, right?"
"MOVE!"
"They teach this kind of stuff on Blues Clues!"
"L-O-L semicolon parenthesis!"
"You just gotta ask the right questions. Like, in 1981, how many grams of crack did Rick James smoke while making 'Super Freak'?"
"I can't marry you! I just bought a Playstation 2, it's very time consuming!"
"You shut your mouth Roker! You hear me! I mean, I, I got advice from Ali, from Muhammad Ali. Not the Muhammad Ali, a different Muhammad Ali, he's a cab driver. And he gave me advice and he told me to KICK SOME ASS!"
"When people say, 'That's very interesting' they really mean 'What you just said is so boring that I don't even want to add a little information of my own to it. I'd rather just classify it as 'intersting' and not be associated with it at all.'" (From him and his sister's book=I Hate This Place: A Pessimist's Guide To Life)
"When people say, 'Oh can you hold on for a minute? I have another call.' they really mean 'Thank God for the mute button, I'll just say it's my aunt calling long distance'" (From I Hate This Place:A Pessimists Guide To Life)
