Nick Burns (NB)-Jimmy Fallon
1-Oh, damn it! It crashed again! Hey, did somebody call Nick Burns, the computer guy?
2-I called him about a half hour ago. He told me to hold my horses.
3-I don't like that guy.
1-Well you know what, I don't like this new program. It's crap. I don't know why we switched.
NB-Because the new program is written for OS8 and can function twice as fast. Is that enough reason, Nancy Drew?
*jingle-Nick,the computer guy, he'll fix your computer, and then he's gonna make fun of you. Cause he's Nick Burns, the company's computer guy*
NB-Okay, all right, all right, what's wrong with the computers? (all talk at once) Overload, overload, my processor can only hold one comman at a time here.
3-I have a question, Nick. I'm trying to do this quarterly, I just, I can't get the stupid e-mail package to open at all.
NB-It's the e-mail thats stupid, not you, right? What does it say when you try to open it?
3-It can't find the appropriate program to open the file.
NB-This is the 6.0 version, you didn't upgrade yet, did you genius? Just use the translation file for it.
3-Where's that?
NB-MOVE! (types) Done. Was that so hard? Boy, I'm so glad I came down here, it's really worth my trip. Who's next?
2-Hey Nick, how's it going?
NB-Oh great, really great. I love teaching people remedial computers here. Shouldn't you guys be weareing helmets or something?
2-I'm having trouble with my printer, all my stuff keeps going on that printer in marketing.
NB-Oh, is the walk killing you here buddy? (pats Employee #2's stoumach) Just get better shoes thats all.
2-It would be easier if it were here. I had my print monitor up here.
NB-Tried to use the print monitor, huh? That didn't work did it? Print monitor, no.
2-No it didnt.
NB-That's cause the print monitor monitors the document you're printing. It doesn't tell the printer what direction it's going to go to...just scroll to your chooser.
2-The thing you pull down?
NB-The thing you pull down? If you mean Apple File, yeah do that.
2-I didn't know what it was called-
NB-Obviously. You go to your chooser, go to the printer, pick your zone, and pick your printer
2-Hold on, I'm on the chooser. Okay. Is this the zone here?
NB-MOVE! (sits down) See where it says "4" and "FL"? That's fourth floor. That's where we are, we're on the fourth floor. That's it. You pick that one. Is that so hard? Geeze Louise, I can't wait to get my NTSC and quit this job. (goes to Employee #1) What's your problem?
1-Well, it just crashes every time my screen saver comes up.
NB-Alright, lets run a test. Just type in XY.VIOLATOR/467F67
1-Type in-type in what?
NB-MOVE! (sits down) Okay, here. Do you want me to save your game of Minesweeper here?
1-No, you don't have to.
NB-Okay, thanks. Instead of playing a game, God forbid we read the manual. Have you people ever seen computers before? What I do here is press the letters and it manipulates the screen here and we have fun with it.
1-Yeah, I know alot about computers, okay. I'm on the internet at home.
NB-Let me guess, you're on AOL?
1-Yeah, what's wrong with that?
NB-Nothing, except it doesn't understand Java Script! (laughs) God, I wish someone were here who knew about computers, 'cause that would have gotten a laugh. (fiddles with computer) Damn, it crashed...what is this? MOVE!
1-You're already sitting there.
NB-Yeah, shut up. (computer beeps) What the hell is wrong with this thing?
1-Hey look everybody, the great computer guy doesn't know whats wrong.
NB-I'll figure it out, just trust me. I'll do it, right here.
1-What's the matter there wizard? You're new program not working?
NB-It's not the program. It's not the program. Don't say that.
1-Oh no it's not? You're sure? You're sure?
NB-II just have to check the recent applications. Did you install a Dilbert screensaver?
1-Yeah, I love Dilbert.
NB-Well you already had flying toasters on there. There's a conflict. That's what's causing your computer to crash. Not our software. Damn, I'm good.
1-I didn't know you couldn't have two screen savers.
Obviously. That's why our systems are corrupted here. Problem solves. (pager beeps) It's those goofs over in Organizational Developement. They make you guys look like braniacs over there. I'm outta here. Oh, and by the way, you're WELCOME!
*jingle-Nick Burns, you're company's computer guy!*
