Donny Bartalotti (B)-Ben Affleck
S-Alright, hey, whats up! I'm Pat Sullivan, I'm here with my boy, Tommy, in front of Cumberland Farms. We're making a video for our Criminal Justice class, to show how frightengly easy it is for minors to purchase alcohol in the greater Boston area. As I speak, my girl Denise is currently within, attempting to acquire a coule of tall boys. And if she succeeds, mark my words, I will be forced to confiscate the evidence and turn it into the proper authorities-my mouth! (Denise walks out of store) Hey any luck?
D-Shot down. Apparently the clerk was able to discern that I am not Evelyn Chang. (shows fake ID)
S-Ah, your Evelyn Chang to me.
D-You are so queer!
S-You are! (they make out)
E-Alright, freeze, freeze! You're under arrest for public display of a boner!
D-Oh my God!
S-The answer to our prayers!
D-Mr. Eric Pierson! Confirmed hottie, former right wing for the varsity hockey team, and, although he's 26, no stranger to our high school social circles.
E-Yeah! Hey Tommy, your fly's open. (camera moves down to look) Ha ha sucker!
S-Good one bro! Eric is top notch people. One time he stole a zamboni and drove it to the prom!
D-Theres always a party at his house, cause his dad works nights, and his mom's totally deaf!
E-Yeah, yeah! And not to brag, but I'm currently AWOL from the Coast Guard!
S-He's my idol! Second only to...(turns around to show jersey) NOMAR!
E-NOMAR! (shows his shirt) Nomar, we are praying for your wrist.
S-Godspeed. (they sign the cross)
D-Yeah. Sully knows the heartbreak of a wrist injury, cause we broke up for a week and he nearly gave himself carpal tunnel.
S-Shut up!
D-You shut up! (they make out)
E-Yeah yeah yeah. Welcome to tonight's episode of "Temptation Parking Lot"!
D-Oh my God! Eric, are you going up to Ash's Hill?
E-Ah, yeah!
S-I've got moves on McCubby's basement.
E-Says who? Smitty?
D-Says everybody! Scoop, Sage, Marty, Magoo...
S-...Champy, Murph, Donny Bartalotti...
E-Yeah! Squeezebox said Hodey and Weezer were taking a keg out to Baker Hill!
S-No sir-cancelled to the Storm of the Century!
D-Yeah, hat's off to meteorologist Bruce Schwaggler-you are a MORON!
S-You are! (they make out)
E-Alright, kiddie porn! Take a breather!
S-(serious) Eric, will you buy us a beer?
E-I would if I could, Junior, but I had my license permenantly removed cause I flipped my 4X4 doing donuts in the police parking lot.
S-Was it worth it?
E-Ah, no regrets bro! The coppers took my car and I fractured my shoulder, but it was wicked pisser!
D-(on mechanical pony) Alright, tick-tock boys. Me and my pony here are still sober.
S-Alright, Plan B. I'm going in. (applies fake moustache) Watch and learn. (enters store)
E-So, uh...how's it going Denise?
D-You can call me Zazoo, thank you very much. Zazoo!
E-You uh...you lost weight, but not in your boobs.
D-Oh my God! Don't start with me Pierson, alright? Last time you sweet-talked me, I ended up with a broken heart and a bag full of poison ivy!
E-You loved it!
D-And don't ever tell Sully we did it either. He thinks he's my third. Ah, that's totally off the record Tommy. (Tommy nods with camera)
E-Ah, it never would have worked out between you and me. You're just a kid, and I gotta focus on my landscaping career. Yeah, your better off with Sully.
D-Oh, I'm well aware. Believe me, alright? I mean, Sully may lack book smarts, street smarts, and basic emotional intellegence, but you know what? So don't I.
S-(comes out of store with a case of beer) Jackpot! A moustache and a British accent works every time!
E-Hey, uh can you guys give me a ride up to Ash's Hill.
S-Yeah, no problem. Donny and Frank are gonna pick us up any minute.
(Frank wheels up, with Donny on the handlebars)
B-What's up suckers! Who wants to party with big, bad Donny Bartalotti?
S-Hey Frank! Frank, where's your car?
F-It's at the bottom of the resevoir.
S-Still?
B-No! Again!
F-Ah, come on.
B-Come on! Get on!
D-Seriously? Alright...(sits on handlebars)
F-Yeah, I'll take you all! I'm stronglike an animal!
B-Yo guys, I got a ball of Pink Schnapps...I got some rubber cement in here...and a whole gallon of paint thinner! We're partying tonight!
(they all cheer and scream as Frank wheels them away)
