C-This is the way the colonial settlers made their butter, with fresh cream and a little bit of salt. It would take almost four hours just to get one quart of butter. Would anyone like to take a churn?
D-Yeah, over here! Let him do it! He's had a lot of practice!
S-Yeah, I'm familiar with the motion!
D-He churns it about four times a day!
C-Okay, come on up.
D-Oh my God...
S-Tommy, get me churning next to the Saint Polly girl.
C-What's your name patriot?
S-My names Pat Sullivan, and that's my girl Denise over there.
D-Yeah, but call me Zazoo!
S-Alright. I'm on my seinor class trip. I'm here from Lexington, Mass, home state of Paul Revere, John Hancock, and NOMAR! NOMAR!
C-Okay, you wanna churn? (Sully starts churning and grinning) Oh you got strong arms. He would've definitly survived the hardships of a colonial lifestyle.
D-Hey! Martha Washington! I can't understand a friggin word your saying! That accent makes you sound retarded!
S-You are!
D-You are!
C-Both ya'll are!
S-(to Colonial Girl) Hey, where'd you get that dress, Ye Ole House of Juggery?
C-Shut up...you're messing me up. Okay everyone, continue down to the next sign post where Apprentice Kyle is gonaa show you how to make Johnny Cakes. (while she is saying this, Sully is mouthing "She is so hot!") Bye bye everyone! (they all leave except for Denise and Sully) Ugh. It's as hot as a crotch out here.
S-Here. Drink this. (hands her a bottle)
D-Yeah, it's Willer's Grape Juice, Carnyac, and Vodka.
S-I call it the Zazoo Panty Removah.
D-Shut up!
S-You shut up! (they make out)
C-My friends and I used to make a drink like this, but we used to put peanuts at the bottom.
D-Peanuts?!
S-No sir! No sir!
D-No sir! That is rank!
C-Um, are you Irish? I like Irish guys.
D-Uh, yeah he is. That's why he bought me this clatter. (shows her the ring)
C-Oh my God, that is so pretty. You have good taste.
S-Did you get that, Tommy?
C-Why are ya'll taping this?
S-It's for an American Studies final.
D-Ya, we're supposed to write a report on the early settlers.
S-I do all my reports on video because I suffer from several as-yet-unamed learning disabilities.
D-He did not get proper nutrition during his toddler years.
S-Swear to God.
D-Yeah, his mothers breast milk is like, Bailey's Irish Cream.
S-That's neither here nor there.
D-She's no stranger to the inside of a squad car, believe me!
C-That's so sad.
D-Hey. Is it hard to get a job here?
C-Ugh, you do NOT want to work here, believe me. The money sucks, and the guy who plays Thomas Jefferson is a total perv. There's just no jobs around here.
S-The job market is really ridiculous right now.
D-Yeah, I got fired from Tom McCann for using the foot measurer inappropiatly.
S-Apparently my wiener is a ladies size 5. (they make out, Frank enters)
F-Sully, Denise, we missed the bus.
D-Frank, you were supposed to come get us!
F-I know, I lost track of time. I was at the gift shop getting this fife.
S-Tommy, we missed our bus! (camera looks at watch)
D-Oh crap! No way!
S-This is NOT happening!
D-Damn!
S-This is NOT happening!
D-Seriously...(looks at Frank) that is one sweet fife.
F-Yeah, I got it for my mom for Mom's Day.
S-Alright, we are seperated from our party. What would the early settlers have done?
C-You know, I mostly know how to make butter, but if you really got stuck, you could spend the night with me. Those two could sleep in the basement, but you could sleep on the floor in my room.
D-Ah, not gonna happen, Betsy Ross!
C-Maybe you wanna let HIM answer?
S-Sorry milk maiden. You may be extremely hot, but what my Zazoo lacks in beauty, charm, polish, and general physical health, she makes up with her warm personality and her permissive sexual practices, and I love her.
D-You are so gay!
S-You are! (they make out)
F-(to colonial girl) What's up? I'm Frank.
C-Ya'll better get going, cause I have my next group coming in and I haven't cleaned the cream off my pole yet.
D-The cream off your pole?!
S-Tommy, PLEASE tell me you got that!
