PAIRING : Buffy POV, but B/S, B/A undertones

RATING : PG

SPOILERS : season six of Buffy

IMPROV: #47 Ryan Adans Song Title Challenge

DISCLAIMER : I do not own these characters.

How can I possibly make this better? Can I? I'm not so sure anymore. Seems all I do is break. All I can do is break.

I at least have *something* now, but what the hell was I thinking? Where was I? I was lost for so long and now it seems like so far to reach the surface.

I just… I wanted something. I needed it, craved it badly. I needed to be loved and wanted and desired. I liked feeling sexy and wanton. Fuck- I liked feeling powerful.

Being with him made me feel powerful when I felt so power*less*. It made me feel confident because I could just be demanding and sexy and he got off on it. We both did.

I was in control. *ME*. *I* was the one calling the shots. *I* decided when and where and so what?

Was it so wrong to want a man's touch? Yes, I closed myself off to Riley. But… it was *Riley*. No passion, boring, farm boy. And to be fair, after the whole crash of the Initiative, he closed off to me as well. He was jealous of my strength. Was to have lived my life with someone who could not accept me for who I am? No.

Granted, I don't make the best choices in men… but… I just… I wanted to be the one who did the hurting. I wanted to be the one being chased by a puppy, instead of *being* the puppy myself. Is that so wrong? I wanted to be the one hurt*ing*, instead of the one *hurt*.

And it felt *good*.

I guess I just wanted to be the one.

~El Fin~