PAIRING : Faith/Angel

RATING : NC17

SPOILERS : “Five By Five”

DISCLAIMER : I do not own these characters. Nor do I own “Fear” (Sarah McLachlan).

NOTES & WARNINGS : Mentions rape, character death.

                “ ‘I’m just gonna put your bag over here.’ He said, as if that could fix everything, as if the bag mattered, as if I mattered anymore. He should have killed me. Perhaps we wouldn’t be here, but we are and we must accept that. I should have run. I should have left. I should have done things different.

                “But I didn’t. I couldn’t. I’d dreamt of someone who could look at me and not be disgusted for so long that I couldn’t let him go. I couldn’t walk away from the only person who wanted to help. I must have slept for a few hours and when I woke up, he wasn’t there. I went into the kitchen and found a knife. I wanted to cut someone. I wanted to bleed. I needed to. I wanted to bleed out all the bad in my life, so I could keep the good. I thought that perhaps if I got rid of the bad, I could be good enough for him. I don’t know why, I just remembering thinking that.

                “But I figured that if I could just be rid of all the evil, that I could *be* something. Morning smiles like the face of a newborn child, innocent, unknowing. When he came downstairs and saw the knife in my hand, I honestly don’t know what he thought. Perhaps he thought I was going to kill him, he didn’t realize I just wanted to bleed. He told me to give him the knife, and I did. I looked in his eyes and actually thought I saw love. Maybe not love, but h cared about me and I suppose after winter’s end, promises of a long lost friend spoke to me of comfort, of something I’d never had.

                “We talked. It was nice. We sat for a few hours talking. He told me things about himself I don’t think anyone else knows. He asked me to tell him something about me, and I couldn’t. I tried, but I fear, I have nothing to give. He asked me how I could say that, but it’s true. I have nothing to give.

//I have nothing to give, I have so much to lose

Here in this lonely place, tangled up in our embrace

There’s nothing I'd like better than to fall//

                “I just wanted something, I wanted acceptance. I still do. But I fear I have nothing to give. But he understood that, because he’d felt it. And after I killed that demon, and saw the blood on my hands, *his* voice was the one I heard. He told me it was okay, and he held me as I fell onto the couch while I cried. And I cried. God I cried so long. Wind in time rapes the flower trembling on the vine; nothing yields to shelter it from above.

                “I’d been stripped of everything. My pride. My rough edges. My ability to hide. I was open for everyone to see, for everyone to grab. But he didn’t exploit my weakness, and when he took me to the bathroom to wash my hands of the blood, I almost thought he cared. I *knew* he did. I just didn’t know how much.

                “His hands were so cold over mine, but we washed the blood and he told me I should change since the blood was on my clothes too. I told him I didn’t have any clothes, just what I’d stolen. He said I could use his robe, and I closed the door behind him as I stripped.

                “All throughout my shower, I could feel him outside the door. You know that feeling that someone is on the other side with their hand on the door? That’s what I felt, like he was watching me. They say temptation will destroy our love. And when I opened the door with the robe over my body, he was sitting on the bed, just watching the door. It was almost as if his eyes could see right through me.

                “I walked towards him and the energy in the room practically set me on fire. It was full of lust, wanton, and desire, and when our mouths touched for the first time in two years, it was like they were molded together. I couldn’t pull away; I was pulled towards him. And we both knew what we could lose, but we needed it so much. We needed to be touched. We needed to *feel*.

                “My robe came off in two seconds and his hands were all over my skin, and Gods I came right there. He just growled in response, pleased he had that affect on me. His hands slid down my body and he slid two fingers inside me. I’ve never felt so alive. After so long, I finally felt alive!

                “I undressed him quickly and his skin felt so good against mine. He was so soft, like silk, so untainted. And I felt his erection penetrate me slowly and I came again. He just moaned into my mouth. And from then on it was just magic. We couldn’t stop it, even if we’d wanted to. The never-ending hunger just drove him into me over and over, slowly at first.

                “I’d never felt so complete in my entire life. He moved within me, encased in my heat, and it was so cool and wonderful inviting him inside me. Long, languid strokes soon became frantic and hard, but it was okay because I wanted that. *We* wanted that. Our bodies just fit so naturally together, it was amazing.

                “And when he came inside me, it was truly incredible. I don’t know how to describe it; other than to say I came twice more as he filled me. He collapsed on top of me and I cried.

                “He looked into my eyes and asked if I was okay. I nodded, but still I cried. He gathered me in his arms, our juices leaking from my body, and a panic overcame us both. He held onto me while I cried.

//but I fear

I have nothing to give; I have so much to lose

Here in this lonely place, tangled up in our embrace

There’s nothing I'd like better than to fall//

                “I held myself tight to his body, trying to make sense of what I was feeling. I felt like I’d never have enough of him. I felt like I couldn’t touch him enough. I wanted to *be* him. I wanted to be anyone but me. That’s why I cried. I wanted him to stay inside me because when he was, I couldn’t tell where I stopped and he began. He *became* me, and I became him.”

                “So tell me.” She says. I look at her, fear practically dripping off her hair. She is beautiful by anyone’s standards. I feel sorry that her life will end like this. She has no idea what happened. She has no clue of the horror to come. And I owe it to her to tell her the whole story. So I will.

                “I held onto him crying for some time after, but I eventually fell asleep. I was so tired, physically and emotionally. I woke up to a scream. He was in pain. I turned and he’d fallen on the floor. He was clutching his body like he was trying to hold on to something that he was losing. I didn’t understand at the time, but now I do.

                “ ‘Angel?’ I said, but he didn’t look at me.

                “He looked up me, and his eyes were filled with fear and agony. Gods I felt his pain. He touched my arm and said, ‘Run.’ He let me go and I ran. I got up as quick as I could, and I ran. I felt his pain surging through me; it was ripping me in two. I don’t know what happened next in that apartment. I found you.”

                “And we fell asleep. And now we’re here.” I look around with the light of the candle.

                “I wonder where we are.” I say standing up. “There’s gotta be some way out of here.” I run my hands along the walls as I start making my way around the room. “Cordelia?” I ask. I turn around and she’s laying on the floor. I run to her. “CORDELIA!” I lift her head, and I know her neck is broken. She’s limp. “Oh God!” I cry for a girl I barely knew, but who did not deserve to die.

                “Faith.” I stand up quick and turn around. He’s leaning against the wall, leather pants, silk shirt, and duster. He walks towards me, expecting a fight, but I can’t.

                I don’t have any fight left in me. I want to fight, but I fear I have nothing to give. I have so much to lose. I have nothing to give as he wraps his arms around my waist.

                “What?” I whisper.

                “Come for me, Faith.” He says sliding his hands into my jeans.

                “I can’t.” I whisper. “You’re too late.”

                “Never.” He picks me up and before I know it, I’m on a bed. It can’t be like this. But it is as I feel him violate me. And I cry this time, for a different reason.

                Hours later, I’m bleeding and broken. He’s quiet. I don’t know whether he’s sleeping or not, but I have to try. I stand up shakily and break the leg off the nightstand beside the bed. I crawl on top of him and he wakes up as I plunge the leg into his heart. Gods I’m so sorry. I fall to the bed as he explodes underneath me. Gods I’m so sorry.

                I see the knife he used to cut me beside the bed and take it. I want to bleed. I *need* to bleed.

                We have so much to lose...

~El Fin~