~The
Past~
(March 23 - July
9)
~*~?~*~?~*~?~*~
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July 9th,2003 Wow! Haven't written in a LOOOOONG time! well, on saturday, went to bre's party and had a blast! (alwayz do!) we had a water fite (hehe! i was in ma bra!) and we played with flying tissue paper and we danced! it was great! I love hangin with ma friends! Chillin is better, but hangin will do! LoL! well, ive been really busy (not really) today! People are talking to me (on msn) and I'm updating my website, and Im writing the fan fic, and Im listening to music, and itz pure chaos in my computer!! AHHH! i need to get together with ma friends! closest thing we got planned so far is a sleepover at jinnyz... still gotta ask ma dad for permission, but pretty sure i can stay... till maybe bout 9:30 or ten the next day... iunno, i'll hafto see! well, thatz really all ive got to say for now... oh! i accidentally deleted the other happeninz page... so mad! therez like a PAGE long entry there that i wudda liked to save... ahh well.. check out the fan fic cuz htatz what im working on the most rite now! cyaz!
July 1st,2003 Wow... I hate this! I keep doing all the things I'd do if I had a crush... And I dont mind it! I like it! I keep doing it! Making up conversations [ok, who doesn't do that?] remembering stuff that happened, thinkin Im gonna see him tomorrow... Dear God Im still head over heels. ahhh well! I'll humor myself until I meet another kute guy. So difficult to spill everything now that this is once again a public link. I don't really feel like writing that story any more [ Lyss, you're probably the only person here who knows what I'm talkin about ] and, well, if you knew what the story was about, you know why I dont feel like writin it anymore. And if you dont know why, you should! I think it's pretty damn obvious why! Well... maybe not to you guys. I try not to talk about it cause I dont like talkin bout me me me all the time [no, i LOVE talkin bout me... but its selfish] But it's on my mind nearly 24/7!! but what am i gonna do? not gonna forget. I dont believe in forgetting. Unless it's by accident ya noe. I think that's really all i can say about it right now. Actually, no it's not. But it's a lot n i dun wanna go pourin ma heart out. Sorry if this whole entry seems to jump around a lot. Its really hard to sort out what i want to say when i know i cant say all that i want to say and i know it's my own fault that i cant say all that cuz i made this a public link again... *sigh* o well! toodulz! Happy Canada Day!
June 26,2003
Went rollerblading yesterday, went to 7eleven for food, went to kats house n had a water fight. All of us wee literally soaked to the bone! and we were slidin around on the water-covered trampoline
.. ok so that was just me.. but what ever! it was fun! then we went to rochester for there talent show. What was scaree was that this lil dude could sing... in a very high voice!! but itz normal.. he hasnt reached puberty yet! lol! then we were just hangin out in the sun.. tryin to dry off and not freeze to death.. and we went down to my house so i cud get changed, then we went up to jinnyz house so she could get changed, and we stopped by breanne's house, but she wasnt home. Than at jinny's, we threatened to throw drying bras at noel... and he had his back because he didnt wanna look at the bras... and so i went up behind him and i dangled the string of my bag at his neck and he freaked! and we invited justin over... and we got the brilliant idea to go n get icecream! so we walked up to safeway n bought a tub of icecream... and on our way back down we were singing "Addicted" and "the lady is a vamp" or sumthin like that by the spice girls! and we stopped by alyssa's house... but the van wasnt there so we decided not to knock... and then we went back to jinnys and ate the icecream.. and when it was almost done, it started getting grass in it.. so we decided to let it be... oh! adn we saw bike dude! and me n kat have skill! we can catch/throw a ball while hula-hooping! and then there were the awards ceremony... Jinny won student of the year [which we all knew she would win!] Noel won most athletic! [a likely candadate] and i won Academic Achievement... didnt think u cud win that two years in a row.... :S haha! my mom was like sayin "at least fuji didnt get it" and fuji's dad was like RIGHT THERE! and i was just like whispering to my mom "shut up. that's fuji's dad!" and she was sooo embarrassed and we were laffin sooo hard! June 24,2003
wow... ok,weekend i was all mopey... cept for sunday. Sunday i was happy! Monday was the Web thing... and that was fine... and then i was spose to break up with mitchel but he didnt noe he was spose to meet me so w/e... and me n ma groupie jus hung out till 3... goin to 7eleven and pplz houses and yeah... haha! at ade's house, Jinny started the Duck catch sport thingamabobber that'll one day be part of the olympics! and it was really fun! we were laffin our asses off! and today, went to alderson elem. for another web thing... and it was ok... at the end of it, met mitchel there and ended it. then went to mackin park cuz there was a fam picnic there n got even more food! and we were jus sorta playin soccer [well.. it wasnt soccer.. it was either throw or kick the ball to someone or piggy in the middle] and then kat n alyssa showed up! and we were all like yay! and we went to DQ n ate n hung out... and we saw this dude with a really nice car and we were like daring each other to yell to the driver "will u marry me so i can drive ur car??" and he was like talkin on the phone.. so we were waiting for him to finish talking... but he was taking a long time. so we decided to "vandalize" the Dairy Queen..then when he was finally done talkin on hte phone, we said that, and he was like "hmm... now therez a proposition!" and we were like... perv! and it was really weird cuz he had a really nice car n he looked like such a business man and he was walking into the dairy queen! so after that... we were walkin to millside... stopping by the creek... finding berries... eating berries... getting our socks wet... and throwing berries down because we found a worm in one! [EW!] and then we went to millside where kat pointed out all the pics of lil noel and amy and me when i finally got there... i hate those school pics where u stare up at the roof and the sun is ALWAYS in ur eyes!!! and it makes u squint and look horrible! and then noel hadta go so me amy n lyss went to hoys market n got some freezies and then went to my place... where we hung out for about an hour. And after alyssa left, we were hangin around in the garage eatin chips and watching my brother fall on purpose.. and yeah... so much fun! tomorrow we're goin roller blading! and hu noes what we're gonna do thurs... and on fri... but we'll find something!
June 20 before u read what i wrote, read June 20th in my Happeninz page! ahhh shit! i deleted the pg by accident! well, basically, splash down i was with HIM splashing from about 11-1 and i gave him a kiss on the cheek afterwards, and at the dance, we danced for a bit... a SHORT bit... and well.. theres more below.
so yeah... thatz what happened! now, my thoughts... June 16 Heyz! Haven't updated in a while... It's kinda scary! Everytime I have a dream now, HE's in it! Either the whole thing's about him, or he's there, or he makes an appearance!! And the most recent one I had, he was wearing red tights at one moment!!! *cries* *sniff* and yeah... But at least he's not turning into Jordan! Thank God! Today, twas sports day. In other words, Get-Out-Of-Class-And-Burn-In-The-Sun-While-You-Pretend-It's-Fun Day!!! i think that pretty much sums it up. Yeah... June 10
and then today, we went to get our report cards... certain pplz were hanging around my groupie :S *cough*mitch*cough* n then we decided to leave for my house... so we were all walkin down talkin bout nothin.. then we hung out in the amenity room for about an hour... went to get a freezie and left for the movie... me, bre, alyssa, and amy took a short cut cuz we were tired of being left behind... and we got there before they did =D then we got the tickets (i got CHILD admission! =D) and we were watchin the movie...(Bruce Almitey) and i was laffin sooo hard ... and then i stopped for a bit... and looked at the story line... and noticed how there were some similarities with what was goin on with me.... and yeah... and when the screen was all white ... when he was in "heaven" u cud see everything in the theater perfectly! n yeah... after that... we went back to my place... after trying to catch popcorn in our mouths (sodium filled popcorn for me) and we were "Walkin on water" and makin fire hydrants spurt water an everythin! and when we got bak to my place... we were jus hangin out n talkin. No, we were chillin. Cuz we had freezies. THEN we were jus hangin out.. talkin bout stuff... and we were all blahz and tired at the end of it... and then everyone hadta leave. so yeah.. and that was what we did today.now i think im gonna start on that story of mine....
I loved splash down! and im just sooo sad that itz all over! on monday, im honestly gonna wake up thinking about what to wear to school! =( I might not see all ma friends till like... 2 months from now!! [not gonna happen... but it might... =(] and itz all really sad! and some ppl are thinkin about changin highschools! WHY WOULD THEY WANT TO!?!?!?! =( and itz all really sad... it hasnt quite sunken in yet... but once it has, that itz all over and i may never see these ppl again, i'll cry. I've already cried just thinkin bout today... i guess im sort of in a state of shock [mixed with other emotions which i'll get into in a sec] and... it just hasnt quite sunk in yet. ok... i guess i'll write more about how sad i am that itz over once the sadness has actually sunken in...
so yeah... today, it was ok... had fun in school... the dance, which i didnt really go to, but the time when the dance was going on, was fine... was talkin to mitch in the rain... pplz thought we were doin sumthin else... and yeah... danced with lukey for a while.. till it was like all weird n mitchel finally showed up with his lil puppy dog face.. n then i think me n him danced for like a lil while... but like i said, LITTLE! im soooo mad! he just ... ditches me to chase after ppl!!! or to BE chased... or to fight or something!!! and i hate it!! and yeah... my mom, when i was shooing her away, she was all like "wherez mitchel? hez the one in the blue... there he is! go introduce us" n i was like ... umm... and yeah,.. and when they finally did leave.. i went up to him for a bit... n his sis n mom took a pic of us... and yeah... [i noe im jumpin around between subjects, but bare with me] and then sarah'z party... it was like really loud! ppl were screamin and fightin and food was spilt n walls were chipped... and we eventually did that whole split up thing... and we were like talking in the bathroom, or where ever we were, just about stuff, me sarah breanne ade n monica.. and yeah.. and ade was right... i am jealous! I didnt realize it at first.. i jus sorta accepted that he went around huggin everyone.. but i told ma self that thatz jus him.. n not to really care about it... but when ade mentioned jealousy, i was like "omg, ur right~" i am jealous! i hate it!! i hate how he can be all grabby [not in like grabby hands horny sorta way.. more like in the huggy sorta way] with everyone BUT me!! how hez alwayz cahsin after pplz!! u noe what? maybe itz not even jealousy (no, itz jealousy, itz just not ALL jealousy) part of itz like.. i want attention! i hate feeling like ive just been forgotten about! like im someone huz either there or isnt and itz perfectly fine! i hate it! i hate it! hate it!!! see, some of the onli times at sarahz party where we were like right next to each other [like close enough to put ur arms around e/o n all dat] was like.. once when i was draged/carried over to where he was lying and yeah.. and hte other time was on the chair... and he put his arm around me.. n once.. i thought he licked me.. n i was like wtf? but it cudnt be.. cuz ma arm wasnt wet or anything [i was sittin on the arm of the chair so i was like higher up than he was] and when he turned around, cuz we were so close to e/o, i cud like feel his lips on ma arm at certain points.. or atleast i think so.. iunno.. and yeah... i hate guyz! they can make u feel so special and cared about and they can make u feel alone and hurt and angry as well! and it sucks when itz at the same time!!! iunno... im just mad... i dont know how long itz going to last without somewhere where we can see e/o like daily.. cuz i honestly think that all i feel for him is a crush.. and i remember that when i dont see him or hear from him for a while.. like when they went to quebec, i get over him... and yeah... *sigh* i dunno...oh yeah! he got me a lil grad gift too! it was like this lil teddy bear n a chocolate bar.. n yeah.. *Sigh* just.. like i said before, i hate how one person can make me so happy n hurt me so much at the same time n not even know it! yeah.. think that says it all... sorry this was soo long.. yeah
we were all in the shade, sittin and doin nuttin... and ms green n ms a came up to talk to justin n noel... and mitchel was makin weird noises beside me.. n i was like "You want attention don't you?" and he was like "yeah.." so i put my arm around him, and he put his arm around me, and he put his head like... umm.. i think he was aiming for my shoulder or something... but ... he put his head... on my.. chest.... n yeah... and i was jus like ...ok....
and yeah.... it was sooo friggin hot today!! well, no, not really.. but it felt like it!!
oh... andm, useless info, my bra came undone in gym class... only half way thru... stupid do up at the front bras!!! =@ and i was jus kinda there with ma arms crossed.. waitin for the friggin bell to go... stupid sarah's comment... and yeah...
June 6 Heyz...so much stuff going on.. just when I'm on the computer, Im either happy and dont want to write about the sad stuff... or when the sad stuff is there, all my attention is put to tryin to make it better! So in breif, everyone's working so hard to get this dance... but then all these people are tryin to get dates with their friends [which also happen to be people they like] and there's a lot of heartbreak and weirdness going around.. and it's really stupid, cause what i thought was that we were all going to go as one big groupie from the start... but hten people started parring off and everyone seemed to be fine with that.. so I was all like, ok, what ever makes u happy! But then people asked people they shudnt have, two people liked the same person... people got ditched... and weirdness and all that... and *sigh* its the very last day of school! we should all be leaving on happy notes! not sad ones!!! After all, we might not see eachother for two months - if not longer or never - and yeah... so thatz basically whatz been goin on... June 3 Heyz! Mitchel's birthday is THIS THURSDAY!!!! what am i gonna do? well... actually... i do have something... but It doesnt seem like much....itz a really really really crappy gift... i mean... it seems romantic... but when u get right down to it [and remember, itz ME] itz really... actually... nothing! *sigh* i'll just go along with it and see where it takes me... [haha! the only people that actually know what i'm talking about probably aren't even going to read this! but yeah... im agonna go through with it... You'll all know what it is... if I ever give it to him.... hmmm... [and to all of u pplz with minds sicker than mine ... it is NOT head!!!] n yeah......... i think i'm makin too much of a fuss over something so little... but *sigh* w/e
May 31 Heyz! Happy now! Mitch still askin for this link... still not givin it to him! iz all good! =D haha! i was bored today so I phoned my friend hu i havent talked to for almost a year now and cuz itz like her birthday this wed... yeah... and then she hadda go after about one minute... so i was jus like lying there, thinking about whether or not i shud call mitch... then.. i like got a sudden rush of courage n i dialed his #... an we talked... for about an hour an 15 mins [not long... but still...] and yeah... n now ... well... i have nothing more to say... cept that im still worried an debating about the bday plan... but i think im gonna do it! :D [those of u that noe what im talkin about.. the case being onli two(ade n bre)... but still...] an yeah... not much more to say... so cyaz!
May 28 OMG! I DONT WANT THIS YEAR TO END!!!! We've only got one more month left of school!! Then itz no more fuji [yay!] no more frenchies, but.... no more mitchel =( i dun wanna leave the school!!! i dont want our huge groupie to split up even more than it already is!!!! I dont care about new friends! i care about keepin the friendships i already got! I'm probably gonna cry on the last day of school! It's so sad! DONT WANT TO LEAVE!!!! there's so many things you're laving behind [childhood, friendships] and so many things you're entering [serious peer pressure, depression (hah! like we dont got that already!) dating (n i mean like someone attempting rape or beatings!) and drugs n all that crap] an i want everything to stay the same! i want everything to jus stay the way that it is! Maybe he shud get some of that spring water (tuck everlasting) *sigh* dun wanna leave!!!! not the school work! i cud care less about that! dont wanna leave the friendships... an mitch... such a depressing subject! letz talk about other stuff May 27 Heyz! Itz been two weeks now... and today was the first day we actually did somethin~ all my doubts jus went away! Cause guess what? We actually CAN talk!! lolz~ yay! took ade's advice... but it was easy too! I mean... it wasnt like we were interrupting eachother... but we were jus talking! there were a few silent pauses... but i didnt find em that awkward... they were short too! what's scaree tho is that we're rubbing off on eachother! =S he keeps saying "meh" cause of me... n i keep almost saying "burnage" and "my friend" and stuff like that! I did say burnage once... and it jus felt so natural... untill vicky was like "omg! uve been hangin round him too much. Ur startin to act like him!" n that jus totally freaked me out! n then i started almost typing stuff like "hi friends" instead of "hi pplz" or "hi all" (which i usually say) and i stop myself like jus as im about to say it... and itz scaree! haha! all my doubts are gone... u have no idea how manee doubts i had... but theyre all gone! =D
May 26 You know what's funny? Guys have got it right (for once)! Sex is just another activity that yes, can be pleasurable (not that i would noe....) but it honestly has no ties with love n all that crap deep people make up. I mean, after all, we are just another species making newer generations... I think that, while it is jus another thing to do, the whole "love" and "making love" thing still mite be right... Cause, like in the animal kingdom, you dont want ur baby's dad being just ANYBODY! they've gotta have certain qualities that you might want your child to have. So there still is that whole Choosing who you have sex with thing going on in both worlds. But u dont see animals putting on "protection" and doing it every night. Animals have cycles. Our cycles jus happen to be shorter (28 days) but humans can do it everynight or every other night if they have a partner. so, why do humans do it that often? Answer: Cause they can~! May 20 Muahahaha!! I changed the linkie! Now only u pplz noe it! so no telling! today, movie was SOOOOOO boring! i was sleeping thru it... daydreaming. Speaking of dreaming, i had a very weird dream. It was about today. And about a grad dance if we had one. Ade n mine's planning getting to me. But yeah... not gonna go into the dream. One, cuz i can barely remember it, and two, cuz the parts i can remember, i wanna keep to myself. Especially the end part cuz thatz jus SCAREE! Itz scaree how dream kisses feel real.... Thatz all im gonna say... Weird... May 20 Hey! guess what ur in for today? Another list! this time, itz of what i want.
oh yeah! didnt get to give mitch his "present" but now everyone wants to know... and it's seeming more and more crappier and cornier by the day!!!
and yeah... after the dance, i'm invited to sarah's for a sleep over -mitch is gonna be there =D - so... i get to spend even more time with ma friends!
oh yeah, if you still check this, tag a msg so I know who has checks this and who needs to check this more often! thanks a bunch! LOVE all my friends!
Heart-shaped bugger... found it on the ground jus now... hafto leave on a weird note! ;)
well... i hate how i'm such a freeze! i try so hard (well, dun really hafto try THAT hard) jus to go where he is [take today afterschool for example] n then i jus walk past without a word.... jus playin it cool like i didnt even know he was there! thatz what i do like 10 times a day! I HATE IT!!! Why can't i jus go up to him n talk? I noe why! cause he's either chasin sumone (or bein chased) or he's with pplz hu i jus cant be myself with.. or i jus cant find him! an when im jus bein pushed into him... it duznt work! cuz then our whole conversation sounds and IS forced! and i dun like that! but when we're alone, we can talk normally~! and he's really nice! an hes really comfertable! not like the sticks we gotz at our school! and i dun wanna leave him!!! ='( *sigh* this got depressing too... =( o well... *sniff*
I really dont know what im getting at or what point im trying to make (if there is any point at all) so... yeah... maybe i'll just leave that topic. Later dayz (i noe! i noe! stole it frum the Weekenders! but w/e! that was like my disclaimer! hahah!)
I hate how people precieve me! They think im someone who's constantly studying. They're shocked if i swear or get an answer rong or get in trouble. Or they mock shock. And they dont expect me to like the pplz hu i like. I cant help it if i like weird pplz! Hell, sometimes i dun even know why the hell i like the ppl i like! I hate how ppl would jump to conclusions about me! I wonder what they'd say if they saw the way i act at our lil parties~ Can't you just see their jaws dropping? I hate that! Cause if they knew me, they'd know that I'm capable of being slutty, stupid, smart, outgoing, idiotic, hyper, shy, suicidal, too trusting, angry, blissful, horny, clutsy do i need to continue? I hate first impressions. You shouldnt judge ppl by their first impressions. You can have em, but you shouldn't let that make you ignorant of everything else about the person. You don't hafto get along with everyone. But you shouldnt hate everyone you dont get along with. There's alwayz gonna be people hu u like, n ppl hu jus rub u the rong way. Jus dont let that make you ignorant of the other qualities the person has.
May 20 Hihiz! grr! Alyssa wudnt shut up about nick's friend checkin me out... he was ugly too =( lolz! today was "jus another day that i'll go thru" haha! song! by moffatts... childhood crush... i was messed. Nothing more to say about that.
so neways... well, not much more to say really. I mean, i have these thoughts... but cant rite em down cause i dunno if you're lookin at them! You know who you are! *mumbles*forcing me to give u the link*mumbles* so o well!
May 18 hihiz! Well, kinda disappointed. Yesterday, mitch cudnt come to the movies... cause he was broke (find that part funny!) but yeah... sad cause i probably wont get to see movies for like another month! (if not longer) grr! but yeah... May 15
Hey, today, Alyssa said that we had turned into those that we despised; the Grade 8z (dun dun duuuun) but I dont think that's quite true. The grade 8z wore tight, low cut stuff and flirted a lot. Now, maybe that's what afew of the now-grade 8 girls have become, but I still think it doesnt apply to me! I mean, yeah, im a tad (emphasis on TAD) flirtier than i was say two years ago. But I can garuantee u I'm still a freeze! ask ade! [lolz... ade] Then there's the clothing matter. I don't think it's changed all that much. Not for my groopie anyways. I mean, my shirts still hang loose and well hu cares if it's a tank top? it duznt matter. And tight pants, well, i can say that pretty much everone wears pants tight around the thighs
and loose around the lower leg. So not much has changed.. People have changed. But outer appearances have mostly remained the same. yeah.. thatz all i have to say. That and i dont want school to end! only 24 more days left! and no, im not a school addict.. but it seems that right now, thatz the place where i see my friends.. and other ppl, in person the most! and itz gonna be taken away from me in 24 days! and then we're all gonna split up.. some ppl are gonna go to different schools.. and some ppl are jus gonna drift into different groups~! i mean, it's happened this year! It happens every year! and it's only gonna happen more next year! =( *sniff* itz all too soon!
May 14, 03
Heyz! yesterday was really great! For reasons which i wont disclose but dont worry... I might have told you... probably have. Just I want to tell everyone, but at the same time, I want to deprive them of this knowledge! Not like it's a big deal... I'm jus making it one! May 12, 03
Eh heh heh... scratch yesterday's thoughts about mitch... asked me out again last night, i said yeah... and now im being a freeze. But so is he! *sigh* cant be good. but o well. it was sweet tho. He asked me how fitness friday went yesterday, and i told him about the stupid lil joke that only seems funny if you're there. And then, later, it occured to me. How did he know i had fitness friday? So then, you hafto guess that he remembered that i had fitness fridayimplying that he knows my schedual sumwhat! lolz! I know it's not that big of a deal, but u gotta admit it's flattering. Well... maybe just to me *blushes* But gosh darnit! [lmao! i used gosh darnit!] im a friggin fluffy-bunny freeze (lolz jinny, breanne n ade!) But he'z a freeze too. I think he's really sweet and sensitive underneith that ... annoying persona he puts on. *silence* or maybe it's jus me. *sigh* not gonna bother trying to figure out or analyze anything cuz itz not worth it. Jus gonna live each day as it comes. So I'll write more later! kissez!
May 11, 03
Hihi! Today, i was on a swing set and i was jus watching how i got closer and closer to this tree branch. And then everytime, you went that much farther away. And I was thinking about how hard it would be. Like a child trying to stay with their mother, when people kept trying to take 'em away. Always inching closer and closer to the goal, and because ur hooked or connected to this metal pole, you swing backwards. And how close you got, was how far u got away from whatever it was. and it was like no matter how hard you tried, you just couldnt reach it. And you wanted to reach it, and gravity, or some force or w/e, kept on pulling you back. So the closer you got, the farther you got.
And the goal was like a rainbow, you want to reach it, but it seems impossible. Only unlike a rainbow, you actually did get closer to it. But it would always be out of reach. Because the ropes that bind you, that swing you, are only a certain length. And they will never grow longer. So you're stuck. Desprately trying to move forward. But it's two steps forward, one and a half steps back. And the ropes that bind you taunt you. They inch you closer, getting you hopes up, and withing a second, they pull you back. As far back as they had let you go forward. Dashing your hopes. But then they stop, as you're on the highest angle you can go, and they bring you slightly closer. Only to bring youy back again. And they keep repeating this slow taunting process untill you give up. Because you will never win. and they know that. So they play their little mind games with you, setting you up for defeat. And when you can take it no longer, you slow down. Slow. Slower. Almost at a stop. And the goal is that much further. And you'll never be able to reach it. For you have tried, but your rope was merely too small. And as it will never grow, you have gone the farthest you could go. And it wasn't far enough.
Ok, i know that was kind of weird. But i was swinging on a swing and i had nothing really to think about. And this just sortta popped into my head. And i was also contemplating (have no clue what that word means so i jus hope itz the right one) the height of the trees that surrounded me. And yeah. May 9, 03 heyz! ok, new thing. Happeninz
is a new page entirely! All it has is what happened that day. this is now my
scribblez page where i write down stuff i just need to write down. ok? ok! So, I thought i would
just agree to go out with mitch, even thought I don't really like him. But I was
talking to Ellen today, and she was like "It's no fun if you don't like
him" cuz she didn't like JR when they went out. And i'm lost again... maybe
I will... but what ever I'm gonna do I have to decide soon cuz tomorrow hez
coming back (*happy*) and he could ask. If he doesnt, then what ever. But if he
does, I need an answer. Maybe i will flip that coin...
I find the stuff I'm learning at my religious classes to be really stupid crap. I dont believe a word of it! He's telling us that if we laugh and have fun and play with friends, it's like we're becoming friends with Satan. I find that to be a load of BULL! I mean, what duz he expect us to do all day? Read the Quran over n over again untill we've memorized it? Then what? And when we die and find out if there really is a heaven or hell we realize we've wasted our lives! And if there isnt, if it's just nothingness after that, well than u've really screwed up your time on earth! What ever happened to living each day to the fullest?? Well i dont care. I'm gonna go to movies, talk to my friends and have TONS OF FUN! they can all jus let their lives rot away if they want. I refuse to do that! times have changed. There's plenty of things to do n experience! Plenty of people to meet! Why should I have to stay at home and rot away if i dont want to? I shudnt! I should be allowed to LIVE my life the way I want it~ [Maybe u can't tell, but i'm really really NOT religious! dont mind if u are. Thats ur choice. This is mine.] I'll learn it if i have to. But that doesnt mean i should believe it. Sorry if I may have offended anyone. Dont mean to.
*sigh* so much h/w to do... well, not really. I just really really dont feel like working. Cause it just seems like there's a ton of better things to do! even though theres not. So yeah... best get started *groan* ttulz
But today, we're gonna talk about ... well, TODAY! Hehe! Ade's mission:Impossible was less than half completed today! lolz! talked to him... 3 whole times! I know that it seems like no big deal, but I am a FREEZE!!! and I think he sorta is too. But yeah, and we hugged three times. One cause ade pushed me to, one cause vicky missed it... and the other time, i cant remember why. But probably something like the other two. oh yeah! i think it was because everyone was hooting... and we were like "what? it's just a hug" and then i think we hugged again... But maybe I should stop talking about this cause it seems a lil... self centered... no thatz not the word... umm... well in any case im gonna stop that subject. ... now i have nothing to say.
I think mitchel is over me. O well. I dont like him. But, it always makes a small part of you hurt when someone gets over you. Because you feel that you've lost that appeal that you must have once had. And then you start trying to figure out what it was that drove the other person away. But I'm not gonna dwell on that. Besides, it's not like I like him. Got over him a while back. Don't really wanna go out with anyone in anycase. I'm happy with liking someone and dreaming over whether or not they like me. Don't care for the rest of the stuff that could come with that person liking you back. I mean, it's nice to fantasize about it, but I don't want it. So what ever. My life's just beginning!
May 8, 03
ok, I know you guyz are all sick of hearing me complain and change my mind. But you don't have to read this if you don't want to. I just need as many places as possible to scribble down how I feel, and this just happens to be one of the places I do my scribbling. So, I'm going to do two sections now. One for the actual "Happenings" and one where I jot down all my "Scribblez"! this way you can jus scroll down to the part you want to read and everyone will be happy!
Scribblez
Hmm... Maybe I'll say yes, go out with him, see where it takes me. Maybe I'll start to like him again. And maybe it could last a bit.... Maybe I'll have fun. I won't know until i give it a go though. So my question, of course, is: Do I go out with him? That is my question as it has been for oh so long! And this is what I think I'm going to do. But I won't do it if you guys think it's wrong. Because, maybe I'm doing this for the wrong reasons. So if you think I am, please tell me! I don't want to hurt anyone! Well, this is what I want to do. I want to say yes. And see if I start liking him again, see if there is something between us. Because, right now, I don't really like him that way. And I have doubts on whether or not he likes me or, like i said before, I'm just someone to pass the time by with. But, if it makes him happy, then maybe I'll agree. Is that really so wrong? Going out with someone who you don't really like that way? Because, I mean, people do that all the time! They go out with people who they don't really like, but could see themselves having a relationship with them. But the thing is, I can't see myself having a relationship with him! or anyone for that matter! not right now. Could someone just point me in one direction???
May 7, 03
ARGH!
so pissed! i gotta write this all over again!!!! stupid thing deleted my
entry!!!!! ARGH!!!!
i have come to these friggin conclusions:
I dont like him
i wudnt give a damn if we never went out
but [most selfish thing] I dont want to see him with anyone else.
I noe that last one is selfish! but that's how i feel. Im jus gonna pour
everything out and not care if it makes sence cuz this is the third time today
that i'm writing this and itz jus really pissin me off!
this whole thing is gonna revolve around the quote, "I dont want to hold
your hand, but i dont want her to hold it either."
So basically, what i'm sayin is i dont wanna be with him... but i'd be jealous
if anyone else was! and yeah. I would! And thatz why i'm lost. cause if i say
no, then hez gonna get over me and find sumone new... and if i say yes... he'd
be happy.. right? and then i'm also thinking... why would he like me? i mean...
ok, he's liked other pplz in the past... and i dont quite fit into the same
catagory as those pplz... and itz maddenning! cause i dont know if he really
really likes me, or if im jus someone there to pass the time by... and itz
just... ARGH!!!! so,.... maybe i shud hold him off till the end of the year when
i wont hafto see him anymore and wont hear about what ever skank he likes next!~
but... maybe ... i should hold his hand... (refering to the whole lil quote
thingy) and... *sigh* i dunno... i've said this to myself too many times today
already and im jus sick of this, of myself, of the stupid computer which deleted
it!!! argh! jus... maybe.. iunno. maybe i should just flip a coin. Cause writing
and thinking about this stuff isn't getting me anywhere at all!!~!!
PS
Sorry for the language! I'm jus really POd!!!!
May 4, 03
hihiz!
havent written in a while... I've had the time, just not the interesting life
that u need to go along with it. I've been doing a lot of thinking over the
weekend. I have come to these views:
I like mitchel
I probably wouldn't regret not going out with him... but I would wonder what it
would be like
I could honestly care less if Mitchel was my first kiss because there's like no
chance in hell that Mr. Right would be my first kiss...
There's no time like the present and there's only like 2 more months of school
left where i'll be able to see him so who gives a damn?
I'm really confused about whether or not I like him... or if it's just something
like like. Cuz... for all I know, this whole thing could just be me excited by
the fact that someone likes me and asked me out. Or I could like him... Or I
could like the Idea of having someone there... (same thing as the whole
excitement reason)
But I've also decided that I can ponder over that after... when either my heart
is torn, Im laffing like hell, or I'm somewhere in the middle in a land called
realization.
I've also concluded that I need to get out and do something instead of sitting
at home writing and thinking and trying to sort out all my stupid thoughts.
Infact, I would go into the excersize room if I hadn't just eaten right now.
*sigh* there I go again! no! I refuse to get my 40 year old figure when im 15!!!
(even though im 14 with my ideal 20-ish year old figure) so... I REFUSE! I will
not get flabby!
I must!
I must!
Get a bigger bust!
LoLz!
JOKING!!!! well... actually.... JK!!!!! well... thatz all for now! Cyaz!
May 1, 03
Heyz!
well, yesterday, mitch goes on and says "man ur smart, and pretty" and
I'm all "Whaddya want?" and he's all like "nuthin" so we
start talkin bout stuff... and then he goes "ur to smart and pretty"
and I'm all like "thanks... ur wrong, but thanks" and he's all like
"no, im not" and "trust me" so I'm just like thinking to
myself... oh boy... is he gonna ask me out again? and guess what happens? Great
Googley Moogly he asked me out! and we started the whole plzzzzzz and msn puppy
dog thing again.... so finally im like FINE! i'll go out with u... and after
like 10 minutes... he finally replies going all "Yessss!" and "Wahooo!"
and then hez like "wait... last time u said yes you dumped me" And i
was all like "well thatz cuz u didnt give me time to think!" so then
he let me think it over... and he was suppose to ask me out again today at
school in person! but he didnt (surprize surprize) so... my thinking is... im
not gonna say yes untill he asks me out in person. You mite be thinking 'why? if
you're gonna say yes than say it!' but if he can't talk to me at school... to
ask me a question to which I'm gonna say yes to... then how could we talk on a
date? yeah... maybe im being stupid... but this is my way! hehe! i do wanna go
out with him now... but on a group date... which he wudnt like.... so... im at
ground Zero right now.... kinda lost... dont mind me... I'll figure out my probs....
eventually.... and it'll be alrite... STUPID KID GOING TO BEST!!!!!!!! i mean...
i dont care about that.... why would i?
......
April 28, 03
Happy happy! It was nathan john, and jono who were talking to me that day! yay! im all cool with mitchel now... We started discussing how nathan would die in our lil harry potter fan fic! after he screwd dumbley-dore! lolz! happi! not so happy... h/w ... wont sleep much tonite! =D . . . wait... that sounds wrong... w/e i g2g! tag a msg!
April 27, 03
Gonna
start with the bad news first so u guyz can all leave on a happy note!
ok.
BAD NEWS:
Well today, I came home from Alyssa's [very belated] birthday party, and
everything was just fine ((you'll read more about it in the happier news section
of today's entry)) so as I'm doing homework, I go on MSN, and wow! there's an
email for me. So i go to open it... and it's from mitchel(*gasp* omg! hu wudda
thought!) So i open it and read it and guess what it says?
"plz just
die and i dun care cuz u r u could be dead for all i care! "
and he's
refering to me telling him not to call me a bitch in that middle part there. So
yeah, im all mad at him. Cause u gotta admit, that does sounds like him. So my
guess is he was telling me to fuck a cow and all that.... so he can jus kiss my
ass and give himself that blowjob he so desprately wants!
on
to Happier News...
Went to Alyssa's party! It was fun! we ate... some of us
pigged out! -not mentioning any names- *cough*EVERYONE CEPT ME N JINNY*cough*
and we were just talking bout stuff... laughing... it was all good... we read
part of a dirty harry potter fan fic... it was funny! we decided to make up one
of our own where hermione was the slut hu finally got pregnant! Because you know
how in all those dirty hp fan fics where they do it without any protection and
never get a lil accident? we decided to change that... stupid wizards have low
sperm counts! LOLZ! And basically, we went to watch CoS to get some
inspiration... and it was funny! we played it slowly in all the parts where
malfoy did his lil eyebrow raising thing! It's sooooo funny! And we were making
up all these possible scenes! like harry and ron drinking polyjuice potion to
turn them into girls and do it with malfoy! haha! and change bak into their
selves half way through! LMAO! it was great! we never really wrote anything....
but we came up with lots of ideas! 5 hours alwayz just fly by when we're
together! =D well... gotta work on h/w... itz all due tom =S o well... tag plz!
April 26, 03--later--
mitch
was saying all this crap to me... like how i shud screw a cow n im lez. . . so i
treated it lightly n asked him why he was so pissed .. . but by that time he was
jus copying/pasting lez so i gave up n blked him... and i hated him... and it
was fine! i was fine with hating him... and then alyssa came on... and i told
her what happened... and she said it was probably jono n john n nathan and all
of htose jack asses! so then i start to cry! ur probably thinking . .. why would
she cry? because that left a glimmer of hope that he could still like me... and
then questions came up... do i want htis to happen again? wasnt i fine with
hating him? what if he WAS typing these things... duz he mean them? what if he's
there watching them type this? what if they're all laughing at how i think it's
him? is he away and are they deciding to mess with my mind? did he decide that
that was what they should do? did he? did they? what if? what if? so manee
things running through my head i dunno what's going on! im screwed up again! i'd
be bawling right now if my mom wasn't sleeping right beside me! and now im stuck
with a head ache n a runny nose... but thatz ok... i have a cold anyways... now
im stuck with one question: do i unblock him? maybe i will... later.
***before***
Heyz . . . im sad! last night, i told him i wouldnt go out with him. I told him
it just wouldnt feel right at all for me to go out with any one . . . and guess
what he said? exact words: "quit i hate u" and i was all like ok...
hez mad . . . so i was just like ok . . . and then he said "quiet
bitch" n that shut me up . . . i was gonna say something . . . but i
couldnt come up with anything. And then i started crying. And I'm crying now
because im thinking about it. I'm so messed up! every time i say i dont want to
go out to him, i like him, and everytime i give in to my like, i get out of it.
And it's just a crap-ass circle that i cant get out of! and right now, i dont
know what i want! i want to talk to him, i want to hug him, i dont want to go
out with him, but i wanna be with him.... it's so hard being me trying to figure
me out! it's more like im trying to figure out what someone else wants . . .
when i'm really trying to figure out what i want! You know how hard it is to
know exactly what someone else is thinking? well that's how i feel! I mean, of
all people, i should be able to determine what i want... but i cant! i try to
think of all the what if's . . . but it doesn't seem real... *sniff* i think
i've confused him too much . . . i know i've confused me too much... i think
that he's over me... and if he isnt, well i think hez going to... so thatz what
im gonna try to do. I'll just let the tears fall and let it be. *sigh* more like
*sniff*
April 25, 03
Hihiz! I've made up my mind! I'm not going to go out with him... even if he will "kill himself" because he "really likes me that much" . . . yeah. I just can't see me with someone . . . anyone! I mean, i have crushes on guys, it's flattering if they like me back . . . but to go out, I just cant see it happening. I'm too happy-go-lucky when it comes to that catagory! It wouldn't seem right if i was to go out with someone . . . not to me atleast. And that's all that matters!If I'm not ready, then that's my right! My choice! And no one should be allowed to make me think otherwise! So i guess that's it for now . . . on to reading (because homework's not fun at all)
April 24, 03
Heyz.
. . it must get really boring listening to me talk about the same thing over n
over agian . . . but guess what? you're gonna be bored once more! well . . .he
(he being mitch) goes on msn . . . talks to me, calls me mean, tells me not to
talk . . u noe what? i'll jus copy our whole convo!
him: ur mean!
me: what?
him: dont talk
him: will you go out wit me?
me: im not allowed to talk
him: cmon
me: *sigh* i want to . . . but im scared. . .and i dont want to . . . cuz im
scared. . . and . . . iunno . . . im not ready to date . . .like not jus my
parents or anything . . .but i think ive got a fear of commitment . . .lolz . .
.
him: mean!
me: sorry!
him: just die
me: FINE! *dies*
him: good. its about time!
him: are u really dead?
me: cant talk, im dead
---- well . .. that was part of it. . . getting tired of doing that... basically
after that, he kept asking me to go out with him... and giving me that lil msn
puppy dog. . . and then i did a lil flattery digging and asked him why he wanted
to go out with me so much . . and he was like "i sorta [enter] really
[enter] like u" and he said the basic stuff. .. u noe, smart, funny, pretty
. . . all that bull . .. -still flattering tho!- and now, im basically stalling!
asking questions...*sigh* not working . . . hez still askin . . . invited his
friend in to tell me that itz me 30 minz frum now .. . now theyre fighting with
words. . . he called me a bitch . . . mitch told me to blk him! haha! . . . and
now we're bak to him askin and me stalling . . . *sigh* i do/but i dont/but i
do/ but i dont .. . but hez going to best next year! stupid idiot! i dunno what
to do!!! i need a hug! . . .a REAL one! ='(
April 23,03--later--
Heyz! yay! im happy! mitch isnt all jackass-y on me! =D infact, hez takin it really well! wants to tell ppl my parents found out ... haha! doesnt want people to know i ended it before it even started! lolz! but what ever! we're actually talking more than when we were gonna go out! lolz! haha! monica says im probably gonna start likin him again . . . for all i know, i will! lolz. . . but we'll just see what happens from there on if I do . . . lolz! happy! =D
April 23,03
Hihiz!
*sigh* havent told him yet . . . and itz bugging me! cause people keep asking me
if im going out with him! what am i suppose to say to that???? well, i say
"yeah, maybe..." because --- screw dat -- i jus did it. i broke up
with him . . . .i feel bad... think he blked me . .. nm. . . hez bak . . . but
he aint talkin . . . *sigh* i told him that i couldnt go out with him... and he
said why? so i told him it was because we had nuthin to talk about . . .and he
was like thatz bull . . . and i was about to tell him that i got over him . .
.but he said he was gonna brb . . . so i thought he blked me . . .and then he
came bak online . . . and asked if i was serious . . . so i told him yeah . . .
and he told me to die . . . and i told him that i had gotten over him . . .and
he was just like plz die . . . exact words . . . and all i could say was sorry .
. .
now i feel bad . . . but not because it's over or dat . .. but because
i think i hurt him . . . i hope not... but u never noe . . . and now he's not
talking . . .and im jus sorta worried bout tomorrow at school . . . i hope the
whole *JACK* think duznt happen again only to me instead of alyssa . . . but
*sigh* i guess i'll jus hafto take it n see what happens . . . . maybe it was my
fault . . .shudnt have told him to ask me . . . shudnt have said yes so soon . .
. maybe therez a lot of things i shudda thought about more . . . . but can u
blame me? i honestly thought i liked him . . . u noe what? i DID! but the thing
is. . . itz past-tense, not present-tense . . . but cant change what happened. .
. can only see what will . . .
April 22,03
Hi
all . . . ok, guess what i realized? I dont like mitchel, i only thought i did.
I was just excited that someone liked me and asked me out! what was i thinking?
i confused excitement with like! and now i have the horrible problem of telling
him i cant go out with him. Some friends say i should jus wait n see what
happens . . . but, i mean, if i dont wanny go out then . . . shudnt i tell him
now? well, maybe i need to fill u in on my discoveries!
in class, while i
was "avidly paying attention", i was also writing a lil note to
myself. And in this note, i wrote about all my confusion, and at last, my
realization. So, part of my prob is im scared to go out with him. It's not
because im afraid he's going to take advantage of me or things'll move too fast
or anything like that. Im scared because we cant talk to each other! I mean,
online, we barely say anything, at school, hell, today i saw him so many times n
i spoke directly to him... NEVER! And because we couldnt talk to eachother and
were basically talking to eachother through my friend, we were both put in the
same convo as her. So then we started talking a lot more! and my friend barely
spoke at all! and it was all fine! but when we're alone, then therez like
NOTHING to talk about! I dont want to be in a relationship where we cant even
talk! but again, that's jus the part that i know about. Other than that, im
completely blank as to why i dont want to go out with him. Well, the fact that i
dont like him should probably go under that too. I mean, I like him as a friend!
I like to talk to him, I like to hug him, but . . . I just cant see us alone!
especially not as bf/gf . . .
Now. . . i just have to find a way to tell him
. . . *sigh* any suggestions?
April 21,03
Heyz!
no alyssa, i refuse to change the font! i am too lazy and i could honestly care
less about my font as long as itz readable!
so anywayz! hehe! i have a bf!
lolz! sounds so funny! ME! having a bf! yeah right! but i do! go me! we were
thinking of goin out this saturday . . . but my momz got a party and i hafto
babysit . . .and the day after I have a party to go to (thnx a lot lys! making
me miss a date! lolz!) so i guess hez jus gonna have to wait another week . . .
hmmm . . . should i torture him n make him watch a chick flick? hehe
*evil*laugh* bwahahaha!
actually, the truth is, im SCARED to go out with
him . . .i dun wanna go alone! =( maybe a group date? or maybe i could get one
of my friends to be a third wheel! . . . i mean, i like him n all, and itz a
first date so not much is gonna happen . . . but . . . *sigh* i guess itz just a
girl's instinct to worry . . . itz funny! we're going to a movie, and im
worrying about us having nothing to talk about! like u need sumthing to talk
about at the movies! lolz . . . but still! stupid genes going bak generations
making us women worry! grrr! but none-the-less, im still happy! YAY! i like him
a lot . . . who knows . . . maybe one day i'll give him the link to this and he
can read all about me calling him an idiot and a freak and telling the world how
much i like him and how much i worried . . .
or not! lolz! but to all of u
very privillaged ppl to whom i have given this link to, u may NOT give it to him
. . . unless i've already given it to him so in which case it wudnt really
matter . . . *sigh* i'll write more later! cyaz!
April 20,03
meh,
im gettin lazy! not gonna bother to change the font any more! it can stay the
same! HAPPY EASTER! im so happi! One friend's in love, one friends got the guy
she wants! and the guy i like (aka the freak, idiot, anyother names i called
him,[and his real name] mitchel)haha! he asked me out! =D we can all be happy
together! itz so funny! whenever we talk to each other on msn (so far, thatz
like the only place we can talk to eachother) i jus cant stop smiling! =D unless
hez being a jerk . . . but thatz only happened once so far. . . I just hope it's
not gonna be this type of relationship where the only place we can talk is on
msn and we like never go out on a date [stupid parents!] and we only last for
like a week . . .But im not gonna dwell on "what ifs" . . .ok, i know
that i didnt say "what if. . ." and i said "i jus hope itz not
gonna be . . ." but w/e! same dif! [oxymoron!] lolz! but yeah . . . im too
happy to care right now! im glad/not glad that we have one more day till school
starts up again . . . glad cuz i get one more day to daydream . . . and not glad
cuz one more day till i get to see him again! You have no idea how much i jus
wanna hug him for like all of lunch . . . but thatz not gonna happen so . . .
*sigh* lolz~ *chants*i have a guy to think about! i have a guy to think
about!*chants* itz so great to have sumone to think about again!
but then .
. . therez this other guy who likes me . . . and, i only jus found out yesterday
that itz like a deep crush! he like told me his reasons, and how he hides behind
sports and how hez all shy, and how im not allowed to date till im 21 and how he
would wait! ((SO SWEET!!!)) and he brought up me tellin him to f*ck off once . .
.and he was really hurt by it, but said that if i meant it , he would! ((I FELT
SOOO BAD!!! I would NEVER want to hurt him!!!)) and i havent thought about it
all day, but im thinking about it now, and itz just so sad! im not gonna tell
him im going out with mitch . . . that would be sooo mean! i dont like him that
way . . . but i like him as a friend~! and i couldnt bear to hurt him like that!
so, i'll jus let him keep thinking that im just "going out" instead of
actually going out with him... is that the right thing to do? is there anything
else i can do? *sigh* . . . COMMENT PLEASE! [ add the date of this entry too! so
i dun get lost]
April 17,03--later--
heyz!
too lazy to change font! ooooh boy! a lot to write... ok, well today, after that
lil non-block when i was in the computer lab, i had art. so in art, jinny's like
telling vicky n sarah sumthing .. . and their reaction is just SHOCKED. so i
crawled onto the table and asked them what it was but figures, they dun tell me.
but then they tell sabrina, im sorry, but the last person in the world i would
want to know about it! and, haha, i heard a certain name so i was jumping to
conclusions ... for example: maybe he was gonna ask me out . . but i didnt wanna
say it outloud, cuz i didnt want everyone to noe! so i hear ppl who arent even
in our group and vicky asks if they really noe what itz about . .. and they go
"M and A" and im like omg! thatz our initials! but omg! i asked one of
my friends if what i thought was true . . . and she said no! so im like
wondering for the whole class what it is! and then, when the block ends, i go to
my locker and ask my friend for a hint! and she told me that what he said the
other night wasnt a joke! and u remember what happened last night right? well if
not, scroll down to April 15~ so i was all happy, but i pretended not to noe. .
. and then she made up a bunch of stuff, like how this one guy thatz like
obsessed with me, the one me n "M" were plotting against. . . well,
newayz, teh guy we're plotting against, she said he was gonna like ask me to
dance n gimme flowers n ask me out, and that one of my friends was harboring a 4
month crush on me and was gonna ask me out n gimme a ring and that my friend hu
also happens to have a crush on me was gonna show up at my house after school .
. . all TODAY! so u could tell that i was FREAKED! but, *phew* luckily i found
out at nut break that everything was untrue cept for the "M" part!
[the one part i want to happen!] and then,... i couldnt think at ALL for my next
class ... i kept thinking bout HIM . . . and hten at lunch, i was in a big group
the whole time and i found out that like EVERYONE knew! =( and he would only
tell me if i was like alone. . . so there i am, trying to escape from this huge
group! and therez this guy, patrick, and normally i dun mind him, but today, he
was trying to stick with me,and im jus like f*ck off! and i start walking around
the school, by myself, feeling pissed and like a loner. . . and lunch is like
ending, and im getting really mad that he isnt asking . . .and i find him alone,
i talk to him for like 2 seconds, and then he goes chasing after his friend! and
im standing there like WTF IS UR PROB?!?!?!? and i was all steaming and about to
cry in the afternoon, and we had to do this egg hunt with stupid lil grade 6z .
. . well, it wasnt so bad, i guess i was jus in a bad mood. . .it was actually
qwite funny! i found an egg, and since i dun think we were allowed to eat em, i
threw it, and it was liek geese n breadcrumbs, all these gr 6z like ran after it
n colided in the center, fighting for this one lil choco mocholate egg!
it was sooo gross! after school, my friends were smushing up teh mocholate eggs
... and it crumbled, it didnt melt, it crumbled .. . and there was a water fight
or sumthing, but i wasnt paying attention cuz of the stupid damn guy! i thought
he had left already, so i was jus like leaning against my friends, starring at
pavement, not doing much . . . not really thinking either . .. then i hear my
name and sarah wanted to talk to me. . . so i go over to her, and she was like
talking and all that about how he did wanna ask me out n all that! and i was
like why duznt the freak ask me out then?!?!?! and then, it turned out that
"M" and his friend were liek at the bikeracks, but i had my back
turned... so sarah was telling me how jono, his friend, was talking to him and
pointing at me... and im jus like, why duznt he jus come up to me?!?!?! and
then, he left, and i was calling him by like every curse i could think of,
mostly with F's . . . and sarah was like "you really like him dont u?"
and it wasnt sarcasm . . .i think . . . but it was true! i really do! i dunno
what caused like this sudden change ... cuz before. . .he jus stood out. . .
like i noticed him, but it wasnt even a crush, and now, im like haha, i dun
wanna say, cuz it'll sound like im obsessing, but i like him a lot now . . . and
*sigh* it seems the only time we ever talk is on msn, and even then, we dont
talk about much . . . im jus thinking, if we did go out, would it last long,
would he dump me? would we loose interest in e/o? does he really like me? would
we have ne thing to talk about? would we ever actually go out? cuz see, my
parents, theyre not exactly strict, but theyre not so big on social gatherings.
. . for example, if i say im going to the movies with sum ppl, they need to noe
hu, and when they drop me off, they wait for those pplz to show up or they make
sure theyre there! and same when im being picked up! so it would be extremely
hard . . . and if it was jus gonna be a school relationship . . .well . . .we're
already "going out" to piss certain sumbodies off and we act even more
shy around e/o! and now, hez on msn, asking me to give him head! im sorry, but i
refuse to give head to neone! i mean, the idea of having sumthing someone pees
out of in ur mouth setting off a bunch of crud that probably cant taste all that
good . .. hmm . . sounds like real fun! my god! hez acting like a guy i
absolutely HATE! hah! if he really likes me, he'd stop taking f*ckin lessons
from the f*ckin guy thatfreak! argh!!!! stupid quote is true! i like you so much
i hate u *sigh* the quotes actually "i love u so much. . . " but i
hate the word love . . .so yeah . . .argh! stupid emotions!!!!! i hate him/i
like him/i hate him/i like him! JUS F*CK THE STUPID PRICK!!!!!!! my god!!!! GRRR!
im so mad . . . i hafto find sumthing else to do . . .so yeah . . .
April 17,03
heyz!!! im at skool rite now~!~!! haha! i dun noe why we're at the computer lab but we are . . . my god i HATE these BEEPing keyboards!!!!! o wellz! gonna go play a game now . . .since we have nuthing ese to do . . . cyaz!!!
April 15,03
heyz!
really happy! see, me n this guy are pretending to be together to piss off this
guy that likes me . . . so we were plotting what we were gonna do . . . and then
he was all like "he says he wants us to kiss to prove that we are" and
i was wondering , well first, why he would want that . . and second . . . if
maybe the guy who i was plotting all this with wanted a kiss . . . so i asked
him. and then he was all like "i actually wanna go out with u" now cuz
this is all on msn, i have no idea if hez telling the truth . . so i kept
stalling... and then he did a voice chat . . and he asked me out . . and it
sounded sincere .. .and then he told me he acutally did like me (and i liked him
too) and now i jus have the floaty feeling, and the cant stop smiling thing
going on right now . . . and itz not jus cuz he asked me out... itz cuz sumone i
liked actually liked me! thatz never happened ever in my life! and i was jus
waiting waiting bursting for one of my friends to come online . . .and then one
did . .. but she was all sad . . .so i told her, and she tried to be happi for
me but she was depressed. . . so im not as happi as i could be, but thatz okay!
im still happy! i have a guy to think about again!!! yay! it was getting really
weird not liking a guy for sooo long! i thought i wouldnt remember what a crush
felt like if one happened! but yay! itz probably only gonna be a school
relationship tho . .. and nothing ever happens in those . .. but o well! im
gonna enjoy it while i can! sooo
bursting with joy
im gonna leave yall!
(haha! i said "yall" LMAO!)
April 10,03
Heyz!
HAPPY BIRTHDAY ADE!!!! ok, isnt 13-18 the teen years? and 10-12 the PRE-teen
years??? 13z a TEEN . . .rite??? o wellz! either way, im a teen! haha! barely
studied for that test last night . .. but i think i passed (i hope) then at
lunch, i got the ppl hu decided to leave my RITUAL [NOT religion!] bak!chocolate
fixes EVERYTHING! =D and then durring science, we had finished a whole sheet of
work for that day while the rest of the class was only half way done... would
have been a lot faster if the stupid student teacher wud jus have told us wut
friggin page it was on! but o wellz! and then we had to make a food chain . . .
for the OUTBACK... and we were doing great! and then we realized . .. the FLY
was at the top of the food chain! but then, the gecko ate the fly, and the snake
ate the gecko... and it was all messed again! but in the end, we got it . . .
sorta .. . and then "brilliant" ian put tape over EVERYTHING! so -hehe!-
if we made a mistake .. . it wud be kinda hard to fix! but o wellz! everything
is jus hunky dory! peachy keeny~ jolly good! top knotch! lolz!
later today
i mite go see my friend's play . . . but i unno, cuz i kinda need a ride there .
. . and im not sure i have one .. . o wellz! ne wayz . .. i have more important
things to do (well... actually i dont. . . im jus really sick of riting what
happened today!) soooooo buhbuyz!
April 9,03
Hihiz!
we had to hand in these topic outlines today... and i remember my teacher saying
that they shud be about 3 pages. . . but he told the other class that they
should be like 7~! so i thought he meant that they should be seven if perhaps
you wrote it out on paper . .. but guess what? i come to school today . . and
ppl have 7-page long topic outlines written on the computer! argh! and mine was
only like 4 pages! GRRR! =@ *sigH* mind u, the only other things i could add on
were maybe like the church's hierarchy (which i DID talk about) and maybe like
the revolt thing that we learned in class the other day. . . o well . . .i'll
jus get a bunch of b's this term! itz all good! =D
in gym, we have to make
up a hip-hop ruitine . . .and well, we have ours . . . only the boys in our
group jus dont get it. . . and we're performing next gym class =S greeaat . .. i
hope there isnt some sort of GROUP mark! cuz i mean, i noe the dance! i made up
like HALF of it! o well =( i guess i will jus get all b's this term! hmph! well
anywayz, i have a test tomrrow . . . and itz sort of a unit test . . .and now i
only have maybe like 4 hours to study . . . plenty of time . . .rite? haha! jk!
but in any case, i g2g~ luv ya lotz!
April 4,03
Hihi!
hehe! guess hu'z alwayz up for a chat? well . . i dunno bout u . . . but i have
very enlightening convos with . . . (drum roll please) ME haha! herez sum of
them! well . . .
HEREZ <never mind! Link doesnt work> sum of them! =D start with "hieeeez" the one that starts
with "no itz not incest" isnt all that interesting . . . and the one
that has a whole bunch of html with it is funny! it has MORE characters frum the
Wonderful World of Aininia~! =D hehe!
so ne wayz . . .today . . . . i did sumthin . .. i jus temporarilly forgot . . .
ummm . . . oh yeah! im really mad at sum pplz! they left my garbage can ritual
for Monotheism! grrr! they were all in there lil circle ((curse them)) playing
"soccer" haha! it wasnt even soccer! it was more like kick the ball to
me! *shudder* the guy that likes me is liked by my friend ... if it were the
other way around i would have already killed my friend . . . but as u probably
guessed. .. im still alive! (not sure if thatz a good thing or a bad thing) hehe!
nice friend .. . although i could be alive jus cuz i have a bodygaurd in tae
kwon doe that my friend wont mess with! hehe!
in my first class . . we were talking bout stuff .. . socials n that . . . and
one person asked if we were all related . .. n guess what? apparently we were
all traced bak to one woman . . . and the different races came frum like 7 women
. . . scaree! i could have liked my second cousin 50 times removed! yuch!
INCEST! like . .. MAJORLY! i felt sick for like the entire lunch . . .
i only got one hug today =( o well =) itz all good! tomorrow's my friends bday
party! itz gonna be so much fun! =D okee . . well buhbyez!
April 2,03
Helloz!
so hungry! CINANINANINANINA BUN! yummy! sticky~ ew! ok . . . well yeah . . . had
to make up a hip hop ruitine ... the guyz in our group said that they would just
practice the art of no dancing! hehe! they probably cant even pulse right! lolz!
im going over to my friends house this weekend . . . itz like a 24 hour stay! we
wont fight! we'll jus split up into different groups (shez havin a b-day party!)
hehe! therez gonna be pplz there hu dont usually come to our partyz . . . are we
still gonna be all high? OF COURSE WE ARE! hehe! im seriously hungry! so buhbyez!
Mmmmmwah!
March 31,03
heyz!
yeah ... that orange entry's LONG! ( . . . ew! that sounded wrong!)
well . . . im over him! hez history! cant wait to get into highschool . . . so
manee pplz! so many [(hopefully) kute] guyz! ;) hehe
last night, i got little sleep. Why? because there was this weird sound! like
you know the sound when you squeeze a pop can? well it was like that... only
duller... i was trying to figure out what it was all night! finally i gave up
and went to sleep. The next morning ... it comes to me! my radio! see, i have
this lil radio, and it was jammed between my matress and the bedframe, so i
pulled it out ... and guess what? (oh! i got u!) the sound was gone! =O i noe!
itz such a shock! hehe
haha! my school is banning like all forms of touching besides hi5z! hehe! their
reasons:
-exclusion
-it could lead to other stuff *cough*sex*cough*
-and a whole other bunch of crap!
so as normal... i saw a whole bunch of ppl huggin and "touching" and
all that... i was jus laffin soooo hard! but i didnt do ne thing . .. becuz im a
good lil girl! ;) ((Yeah RITE!)) all day ... i was going round givin everyone
hi5z, yellin either STD! or EXCLUSION! or RAPE! or BAD TOUCH! hehe!but no, i
lie... i didnt jus give hi5z. . . i gave hugs too! wut can i say? im a huggy
person . . . . depending on who it is!
so yeah . . . and today, this guy hu i normally hug, asked me for a hug. . . and
i was like rite next to the office. . . so i look around . . . no teachers! i
give him a one second hug cuz i dun wanna get caught "touching
someone" *gasp* OH NO! *gasp* but he like held on . . . i wuz jus like
". . . yeah . . . normally i'd hug u . . .but rite now, let friggin
go!" and like a minute later (i exaggerate . . . 5 mins later! no .. . jk!
it was really like 2 seconds later) he lets go . . . so i go to class. . . and
itz really boring . . . and i have a feeling that this other guy duznt like me.
. . he like spazzed out at me today . . . for like nothing! but u noe wut? it
du'nt really matter! sall good! yeah . . .
then i walked over to my friends new house! itz so big! well . . .compared to
mine atleast... o wellz! hehe! i think i went trick-or-treating there last year
. . . me n my friends were singing the trick-or-treat song
trick or treat
smell my feet
gimme sumthin good to eat
and
so on. hehe! they gave us candy jus to shut us up (i hope we werent that bad!
well ne way . . we werent really trying! hehe! well yeah . . .and now im stuck
at my boring house! =(
March 29,03
-----------------
ok, i have to write this down.
Dont you just hate it when someone you like/liked, doesnt like you? Of course!
But it hurts a lot more if they led u to believe that they actually did like
you. And, for some people, they find out that that special someone hates them.
Crushing! well . . . this happened to me (and some of my friends as well) a long
time ago (well... only a few months back ((I got over him a few months before
these few months)) ) I realized that even though i was over him, i still wanted
to know, Could there have been something? Does he really like me after all? well
i gathered up my courage and asked him. He looked like he was searching my eyes,
deciding if he should tell me. See, i asked him this same question when i did
like him. He told me he would tell me in an email. So i waited by the computer.
And i waited... and i waited. Some of my friends that were online at that time
were telling me to stop starring at the screen. Eventually i just appeared
offline... still waiting. Guess what? nothing came. Maybe he got the rong
address? maybe he didnt bother to send it at all... a month or so after not
recieving an email from him, i got my courage and asked him again, only not as
myself... see, i was posing as my friend and my friend was posing as me. He
didnt tell me. "it's not the right place" he says. If you didnt
already know how this story turns out, you would have thought, like i did, that
he liked me. That he was just some shy lil boy who couldnt talk to a girl (for
all in all he was one.) You can tell that it would be easy for me to take this
as a sign that he liked me. hehe... he didnt. I got tired of waiting. My crush
just faded away. I didnt like anyone for the longest time. In fact, the
onlyreason i started to like HIM was because it everyone was just saying how we
were such a "couple"... HARDLY! . . . so after a few months (which
would be a few months back from now) i started wondering . . . did he really
like me? were all those romours true? so once more, i gathered my courage and
asked. I told him all i wanted was a simple yes or no. as i mentioned before, he
looked at me as though he didnt wanna tell me (which only led me to believe that
he did like me all the more!) finally... he spoke. He was so quiet(like he
always was with me only leading me to believe even more that he liked me) that i
could barely hear him. It sounded like a no. But i didnt want to accept that, i
thought i had heard wrong. I asked "what?" and this time, i got a
slightly louder(but still very soft) no . . . followed by a silent, inward
"NO!" by me. I was all like oh, whatever! no big deal, i got over u a
while back. But, if you were my friend, you would have noticed... i was all
hyper before that "no". Infact, the only reason i had the guts to ask
him was because i had my hyperness to hide behind. After the "no" my
hyperness just sorta faded. Quickly. i didnt really feel like passing notes that
afternoon. I was mainly reflecting. This ofcourse, was all months ago... and yet
i can remember certain parts soo clearly! like how his eyes were searching... at
first i thought that that was because he was shy, he didnt wanna share his
feelings with me AND my friends (who were there at the time) but i now know that
they were searching to see if i would be heartbroken by his no (as if! he thinks
too highly of himself if thats true).... well yeah . . . thatz basically it...
and everytime i think about it... i relive this other memory.... i wanted to hug
him for the longest time! ( this being when i was practically obsessing over
him) So i told my friend to cover for me by saying she dared me to... So i went
up to him, he was at his locker ... it was after school. I told him i was
dared... Then i heard from my friend a "no i didnt" this got me off
guard and scared. i realized that she was trying to make it seem like she really
did by denying it. . . but i wish she would have told me before hand... and
guess what i heard from a guy who was listening in... "ooooh~! you like him
dont u!" of course, i said no by reflex... but i heard HIM mutter under his
breath "yeah, that's it" ... i remember it so clearly.... i HATED him
in that instant... i know why . . .i just cant really explain it... even now,
thinking about it... makes me wanna grind my teeth!
i had to write that all down. Im sorry if it seems to jump back n forht between
ideas but i was writing whatever came into my mind at the time.
now i also want to write this down:
the guy i like at the current time.... ******* . .. well . .. i want to explain
that
1)i dont really have a CRUSH on him... i just keep sort of thinking about him...
2)at school, he's totally indifferent to me! i dont find my self starring at
him... mind you, i sorta want to be where he is . . . but only for the first hug
. . .then im all like "ok, buhbye!"
well . . yeah . . . i'll write more blahz later. . .
-----------------
Hihi!
last nite, i wuz at my friend's party! Soooo much fun! who cares if we were
acting lez? (we werent like doing nething besides touching e/o arms n pretending
to be aroused by it) hehe! flashed pplz sooo many times! i mean i would
"NEVER" do a thing like that! haha! but yeah! 6 hours jus flew by!
today i hafto clean tho! ugh!
*blushes* now u ALL noe hu i like! but i DONT
like him! grrr! itz jus a NOT EVEN crush that will FADE i can assure u!
well
cyaz~
March 27,03
Hihiz!
today i
was Evita P�ron! it was pretty boring and i didnt do
much... hell, all of today was BORING! my life is really boring aint it? well .
. . herez sumthing that probably only ONE or TWO of my friends would get. . . i
think im starting to like ******* (well hu noez . . .maybe all of u will get
it!) but then again... i dont! i mean ... how could i? and then . . . i do! and
then i dont!
i do
i dont
i do
i dont
and so on =( well yeah . .
. u guyz better check this and freak out . . . jus promise me u wont make a big
deal bout it cuz then i'll start to like him as a habbit! thatz not nice! i dont
want to like him period
exclamation mark!
March 26,03
today was a normal
day . . . *sigh* i hate normallity! therez nuthin original about it! hehe!
today, i was wearing a scarf. I also had nothing really to talk about . . .soooo
i started talking to my teacher, mr yuen, about how scarves are so interesting
(they ARE!) you can be really creative with a scarf! You can:
tie it like a
tie
you can throw one end over your shoulder
you can leave both ends
down
you can throw both ends over your shoulder
you can wrap it around
your neck
you can tie it on ur thigh
.... and so manee other ways! was
that the main highlight of my day? i certainly hope not! well . . .i think it
was . . .SO FAR!
so . . .untill more creative things pop into my head (and
NO, Tyson, i DO NOT jump onto the first thing that "pops UP" [Ew!]) or
untill .. .well . . .tomorrow,
so long!
March 24, 03
Heyz! not much happened today . . . i dont have much homework (Jolly Good~ ((ToP NotcH!)) hehe!) all i have to do is write an essay (Gosh Golly Darn Jeepers!) and a few notes on a booklet . . . you know what? it IS a lot! greeeat ... well, i guess i better get started. See you on the flip side!
March 23, 03
Im going to keep it
short. Not much really happened to me today. . . mostly, i just got a new
leather jacket! (Great Googley Moogley!) and yeah. Spring break was mostly
boring for me. We got a new DVD player . . . unfortunately, the only DVD we
have, is Harry Potter and the Sorcerer's Stone. Oh well. School's starting
tomorrow again *sigh*. At least i'll have something to do.
~~~Signing Out~~~