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Answering Machine Message at the Mental Health Institute


Hello, and welcome to the mental health hotline.


-If you are obsessively compulsive, press 1 repeatedly.

-If you are co-dependant, please ask someone to press two for you.

-If you have mulitple personalities, press 3,4,5, and 6.

- If you are paranoid, we know who you are and what you want. Stay on the line so we can trace your call.

-If you are delusional, press 7 and your call will be transferred to the mother ship.

-If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a small voice will tell you which button to press.

If you are a manic-depressive, it doesn't matter which number you press no one will answer.

-If you are dyslexic, press 9696969696969.

-If you have a nervous disorder, please fidget with the hash key until a representative comes on the line.

-If you have amnesia press 8 and state your name, address, phone number, date of birth, social security number and your mother's maiden name.

-If you have post-traumatic stress diorder, slowly and carefully press 000.

-If you have bipolar disorder, please leave a message after the beep. Or before the beep. Please wait for the beep.

-If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.

-If you have low self esteem, please hang up. All our operators are too busy to talk to you.

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