>
Fun Things To Do With Cheese
1. Bait a fish hook with cheese, dangle it out a second story window into the ally, and troll for ally cats.
2. Smear Limburger cheese all over the heating apparatus in a school hallway, wait for the heat to come one, then sit with a friend nearby, pointing to each innocent passerby as you hold your noses and whisper to each other.
3. Replace the face powder of one of your gothic friends with finely crumbled, dried cheese just before she goes out for the night. Note how friendly household pets become with her.
4. Find a job at the snootiest restaurant you know of. Very finely grate fresh Parmesan cheese, then add a small amount of water. Immerse hands in the solution until your hands are lightly caked with cheese mixture, allow to dry. Then, follow around a waiter who is serving salads asking whether the diner would like fresh Parmesan with that. If the diner says yes, vigorously rub hands together until little balls of cheese form and sprinkle onto the salad.
5. Go to the same restaurant as a patron. Order only off the menu and only processed "cheese food" products like cheese whiz and Velveeta. Watch your former fellow workers dash to the nearest convenience store to comply. When your dishes arrive, tap on the shoulders of all neighboring diners and ask whether they have any Grey Poupon.
6. Order a pizza with pepperoni and mushrooms. When the pizza arrives and has cheese on it, send it back because you did not order cheese.
7. When your cheeseless pizza arrives, take all bottles of grated Parmesan from adjacent tables, pour onto pizza, and enjoy.
8. Select your most annoying neighbor and an annoying neighborhood dog that likes to bark all night. Using cheese as a reward, shape dog's peeing behavior so that the dog insists on peeing squarely on the neighbor's welcome mat. Use only a variable ratio schema of rewards, thus assuring that the dog is very difficult to retrain. One of them, the dog or the neighbor, has just got to go.
9. Sign up for an art class. As your sculpture project, turn in a bust of Ricky Martin sculpted entirely out of cheese.
10. On a really hot day, smear feet with a smelly variety of cheeses. Cover with a sock. Go to the Gucci or Feragamo shoe store, and ask to try on every kind of $300 plus shoe that they have. Offer to leave for a fee.
11. Go to a square in the city that attracts a lot of tourists and people feeding pigeons, such as union square. Sit on a bench next to someone feeding the pigeons, take out a bag of crumbled cheese, and spread it about while calling "here rats, here rats".
12. Attend a party at which a typical cold cut platter is circulated by the host or hostess. Quietly and repeatedly compliment the host on the quality of the salami, the artful arrangement of the items, and such other matters until the hostess is thoroughly bored with you and dying to make her escape. Continue the inane compliments quietly until she begins to slip away, nodding over her shoulder with a strained smile, then call after her loudly by name, saying, "Hey Shirley, who cut the cheese"?
13. Stand on a city street corner accosting random passersby with words that rhyme with cheesy curd, such as freaky nerd, smelly turd, and scrawny bird.
14. When the police arrive at the street corner at which you've been accosting passersby, explain to them that you have mad cow cheese disease.
16. Have friends over for a beach party. Line up all the cuties as cheese dip receptacles, fill navels with nacho cheese, and play bobbing for tortilla chips instead of apples.
17. Take the best of food fights and silly string fights and combine them. Have a Cheese Whiz fight.
17. Acknowledge the courageously cheesy acts of others by creating the I. M. A. Richard Award. Use cheese sculpture of Ricky Martin as the statuette.
19. Go to lots of wine tastings, where they always serve cheese. Taste the cheese like wine, rolling it over your tongue, smacking quietly while making gerbil-like jaw movements, then spit out the cheese.
20. At the wine tasting, insist on pronouncing all wine names with a hopelessly hick twang. For example, pronounce Chardonnay "chard denny", and pinot noir "peanut newer". On the other hand, pronounce all cheese names with a pretentious French accent. For example, cheddar becomes "sheddar" with the accent on the last syllable, and American becomes "ahmairikahn". After tasting American cheese, turn head to one side, spit, and say "pitooie, ahmairikahn".
21. Take ballpark food service to the next level by emulating the peanut vendors with cheese food snacks. You will have to pass down the nacho chips, but then ask whether the customer wants cheese on those. If the answer is yes, take out a pastry gun, aim, and step on it with the exact right amount of force. Note: polite vendors call "fore" prior to this maneuver.
22. Conspire with a friend to shut down school for the day with a contagious disease scare. After a vacation, be widely heard claiming that you've just returned from the Congo, and you saw some really freaky illnesses there. Later, fill mouth with blue cheese and red soda pop. Swish until unbearably fizzy, then gush while your co-consiratory says "Oh my god, I think it is Ebola".
23. Take a really smelly, several day-out-of-the-fridge block of cheese, and leave it in the detention room for a week. Take a poll of how many kids who got detention the first week come back the next week.
24. Do not bathe for a week. Return to said detention chamber and see whose smell most resembles that of the rotting cheese. Award the winner a one-year supply of Dr. Scholl's charcoal odor eaters.
25. Get a spot on a parade float in the southern United States. While others engage in the mundane practice of tossing candy to crowds of children, distinguish yourself by tossing out warm globs of Brie to the crackers.