| REALITY #2 I take back some of the stuff I said a few months back. Guys are going to be shitty whether the chick is a bitch or not. I've to realize this more and more everyday. As a matter of fact, I'm so damn caught up with my last mistake that it causes me to have anxiety attacks. Is that possible? To have a freakin' anxiety attack at 16??? God. I'm barely even beginning my life and already I'm experiencing a mid-life crisis. Ah, well, that's the joy of being a teenager, right? You fuck up, you get in trouble all the time, you get blamed for weird shit, you learn (or try to) from your mistakes, and you hope to God that when you graduate from high school that whatever lies beyond is MUCH better. So, ok, I admit that I could have helped solved this problem. But, I think even if I took action, that we'd be no better off than we are at this moment. And if you don't know what I'm talking about by now, then you probably haven't been paying much attention to me. Ok, so that thing between me and Lance in July was nothing but a one-night stand sort of deal. And, hell if I knew that it was going to cause this much trouble. It was harmless, really. A little making out in a tent at 4am never hurt anybody, right? So I thought. Lance never really cared about me. He was just horny, like every other man between 13 and 55. I suppose that once upon a time, in some fairy tale dream land called Oz, that he did like me. Or perhaps that was my over-zealous imagination making a fool of myself again. It's hard to tell with him something, I swear. I thought that what we had really meant something, ya know? Like, I felt our friendship helf a certain quality to it that no one else could touch. We hung out so much that it was practically impossible to name a moment when we didn't share the same air space. And, now...HA! Now I'm lucky if he even notives me when we're in the same room. Whatever happened to the hugs, kindness, and humor we once shared is way over my head. Ok, so I guess I sohuld have called him and told him that I still wanted to be friends. Maybe I am being selfish and stupid thinking that he should have to call me. But, after that horridly unforgettable night, I treated him the same. I still spoke to him, treated him the same as before, etc. Nothing in my personality had changed. It was him. He, who keeps insisting that 'it was a mistake,' who acts awkward and stupid and completely unlike his old self when he's in my presence. As a matter of fact, about two weeks after the ordeal, our gang went to the movies together. I mean, when I dropped Ron off at his house during my break from work, he hugged me, talked to me, treated me like his ol' pal Cat. Then on the way up there, he rode in my car, and we talked even. SO, I assumed all was well. But, little things from the beginning should have told me otherwise. Like the fact he moved to the backseat after he was stuck sitting between Ron and I in front. I think touching me scared him. As if I was going to french kiss his face off while driving down the highway. Then, he didn't want to sit by me in the theater. He sat on the other side of Lynsey. I can't tell you what I think, because, at the time, I tried to ignore it. I didn't mind sitting by Ron after all, because we hadn't talked in oh-so long. Then, get this, the big catch, he gets mad at me. Ok, I was having a 'day.' You know, when you're on the rag and you'd rather eat spinach than put up with people's shit. And, so, I wasn't in the greatest mood. Anyway, I ran by school after the guys' driver's ed class to see if Ron was there so I could give him his stolen backpack back. He wasn't there, but Lance, Josh, Bobbie, and Lynsey were. So, I stopped to talk to them before work. Lance was still ignoring Lynsey and I from the previous day. Josh came over and hugged me, and I said, "At least somebody likes me." He was all, "I like you, you just don't like me." I shook my head and smiled. "I like you, Josh, just not the way you like me." I didn't say it with the intention of crushing the poor boy's heart. I said it with the truth I assumed he already knew. I guess I was wrong. I find out, like, two weeks later that Josh got really upsey. In fact, he was near tears. Now, ok, I didn't know this. And Lance got mad at me for it. Nobody tends to tell me these sort of things, obviously, even if they directly involve me. If I had known, I would have apologized, most certainly. I didn't intend to hurt him. I just wish everyone else would realize this. I keep telling myself to call Josh too. But, I'm not sure what my purpose is in doing so. I feel like I'd be better off not seeing anyone until school starts; give everyone time to chill the fuck out. Everyday, it seems, I think of something I could have said, or something I should say now to make everything all better. But, ya know, maybe things aren't meant to be 'all better.' Maybe we were meant to be separated like this. Who knows? Who cares? If he really wanted to be my friend, he'd make an effort, I suppose. At least I have the decency to talk to him around all our other friends. He barely acknowledges my existence. And, get this, he's with Bobbie Jo again. Good God, of all people. I swear to God I thought they were over. I guess was just kidding myself, as usual. They will never be over. And, I'm sick of trying to prove to him that she's no good for him. Obviously, he knows that. He complains everyday, yet he stays with her. Well, I'm not going to be his damn use-you-when-I-want-you bitch, no sir! I should just tell him: "I am not a toy, for Christ's sake. You wanted Bobbie so bad, you got her. I'm not going to hold your hand when she won't, or tell you everything's going to be okay when you know damn well it's going to be shitty. And I'm sure as hell not going to be your little sextoy because your girlfriend won't put out. You chose her, not me, so you get her, not me. Live with your choices, bad and good. We all have to. Some of us, I guess, are just better at handling them than others." But, I never will. It's not that simple, I guess. Everyday I am able to prove to the world that I hate him, that I dispise the very mention of his name. However, I can't tell myself that and believe it, because it doesn't work that way. I love him. But, I can't continually be counted on for everything. I have faults, problems, and emotions too, and if he can't see that, then he's not worth it. |
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