popncide

I stand here today, 17, going on my Senior year of High School, and look back to the awkward stage of life known as Middle School.

For those of you who don't know (that obviously didn't care to read the Bio) I live in St.Joseph, Missouri. Now, I was never a big fan of my semi-small town, but I never disliked it, until I went to Truman. That was my middle school, Harry S. Truman, named after the president who became president by default and killed a million people in Japan, there is something to be REALLY proud of.
Now, there are two groups where I'm from, you are popular (aka rich and snotty) or not. Now, considering only an elite few are allowed in the "popular" standings, the majority of us are stuck in the "unpopular" category. Now, tell me, how when 1/6 of a group is one way and the rest are all another, how the 1/6 can be teh biggest, most powerful group. Because we LET them...that's the only possible explaination I can have for it. They honestly aren't any stronger or smarter then everyone else (and in most cases are WAY LESS on both accounts) But they have one thing that the vast majority of those deemed "unpopular" do not....confidence. That's all it boils down to is the sheer fact that they THINK they are better then you, and they are so manipulative that you believe it.

Now, if you think I'm some geek with pocket protecters that takes the long way to class to avoid "Jock Hallway" you're wrong, I have confidence...I really could give a rats ass about what anyone thinks, I LIKE WHO I AM (most the time...PMS is a bitch) But, why I'm writing this is because I wasn't ALWAYS that way, and I know MANY people who are still going through that struggle...a lot of whom are good friends.
Middle School was a bad time for me. When I was getting baptized in the Presbyterian church, I went through a course (it was a mandatory thing) and they had us all draw a time line of our life. At this time I was a freshman in High School, I drew from birth through elementary school, then when it got to Middle School the line DROPPED into a "black abyss" as I called it...the lowest possible point in life. Commanly refered to as the "suicidal time" The line was JUST starting to come out of the Abyss at the time that I wrote this line (Thank God, or they might have had me committed) But what amazed me, was that everyone in the class (most of whom I was friends with, one even my BEST friend at the time) we're all shocked to see that, none of them had any idea what was going on. That really depressed me even more, I thought no one cared how I felt, and that if I had killed myself, no one would have even noticed. But, then I thought about it, and I realized that the reason they didn't realize this, was because I HID IT! Very well I might add....I could win an Oscar for portraying a completly happy and "normal" teenager.

Now, I will say that School was not the only cause of my problems...there were family issues also (trust me, I will talk about those in other 'ramblings') But School was the driving force.

In 7th grade, I made friends with a girl named Allison, she was as "weird" as they come. She was into drugs and drinking, promiscous sex and wore all black and worsiped Marilyn Manson (now for me, who was still stuck in elementary Tweety Bird sweaters this was SO the other relm) I think I became friends with her for the same reason a scientist becomes friends with a monkey, because they are curious about it, with a lifestyle similar, yet completely different to their own. I am proud to say, that, even though we were always together and such, I never did any thing she did. That didn't matter to "them" though, I was "nasty....like that weird girl she hangs out with" But the thing was, Allison, no matter how "weird" was the deepest person I knew. Being an only child I grew up faster, and was more mature because of it. Making me looking to have conversations based on something more then "nail polish and boys"

So for that whole year, we were on the outcasts list. Well, before 8th grade year, Allison moved...to Kansas City, but still, I was alone. I had no one to talk to to keep myself sane with everything that we were exposed to at school. No one to laugh at myself with, it was just me. Around Christmas of 97 This was the worst, I had no other friends, all I would do was watch TV, go to school (or hell as I called it) and ate....eating was a big thing, I gained about 60lbs that year, and was up to a size 14/16 (which...ESP in middle school....was HUGE) Life, really sucked. I was ready for it to be over.

I started my "death wish" stage, I was to scared at that point to actually "commit" suicide...so I thought I would make suicide commit me... I broke mirrors, walked under bridges, did every stupid hocus pocus bullshit you could THINK of...I would cross the street without looking, I tried to make death find me... but, obviously, that didn't work. Things got so bad, I felt like even more of a failure, i couldn't even do THAT right... so finally, I hit the bottom, I wasn't scared anymore, in fact, I WANTED TO DIE then. I weighed my options, and eventually settled on pills (the most painless and least gruesome way as I could see it) Even though I wouldn't BE there, I didn't wanna make a mess....So, one day home alone, in my room, I sat in my corner and stared in the mirror, disgusted by what I saw. I looked at the bottle in my hands, and "knew" what had to be done. I had the radio on, and at the point I "knew" who BSB were (though I couldn't name names) I looked over at a pic from BOP I had on my wall...about eye level, of the group sitting on an orange couch at Nickelodean. As I was looking, their song "As Long As You Love Me" came on the radio...it was the first time I heard it, and I didn't even know it was them...until it was over, and the announcer said "the new one from the Backstreet Boys" Now, this might come off as crazy....but I really saw that as a sign from God...I sat there for an hour, crying.

It's not something I talk about much, my parents don't even know. Not even my grandma, who I tell EVERYTHING. But, now, for some reason I feel a need to share my story, to, maybe try and help other people...

Now, I'm still not the thinnest, prettiest, or most popular person at school, not even close really...but I'm the happiest, because I am MYSELF, and that's all I really want to be...just ME!