| 101 Things Guys Should Know About Girls |
| 1. It's not cool to freak out over a little blood, whether it's from her period or from her first time. 2. Yes, we can have sex during our periods. 3. Sex after the two of you have shared a bottle of wine is fun. Sex after you've had a few drinks and she's had nothing is torture. 4. Especially if those drinks were tequila shots, or, say, Zima. 5. Chicks don't dig guys who drink Zima. 6. Or guys who have stuffed animals in their bedrooms. 7. Even though we fully expect you to win us stuffed animals every chance you get. 8. Teddies were made to be won, not worn. 9. In bed, find a happy medium between grave silence and "Yeah bitch! Ride me like a stallion!" 10. Actually, that's kinda hot. 11. You don't have to be completely naked to have good sex. 12. You don't have to be completely drunk to have good sex. 13. Not having sex on her birthday, your birthday and holidays on which banks are closed is bad. 14. Not having sex with her every time she wants it is also bad. 15. The saying "size doesn't matter" applies to shower caps and ceiling fans. 16. It does not apply to penises, diamonds, boxes of chocolate, bras, airline seats, sports cars or apartments. 17. Any references that you make to your ex-girlfriends should end with "but she was nowhere near as wonderful as you." 18. Even if we ask you to tell us the absolute truth. 19. Other "absolute truths" to address with caution: Do you like my blow jobs? Do these jeans make me look fat? Have you ever fantasized about sleeping with my sister? 20. The answer to the question "Do I look fat?" is always no. 21. Always. 22. Even when she's ragging. 23. Especially when she's ragging. 24. By the way, we hate it when you use the term "ragging." 25. When we ask you to push our buttons, we don't mean our nipples. That hurts. 26. And so does sucking on them as though you expected milk to flow from them. 27. Don't refer to our tits as "fun bags" or "hooters." 28. Girls don't like it when you grab their breasts and say, "Tune in, Tokyo." We've heard that joke before. 29. Wear a condom if we tell you to. 30. Offer to wear a condom even if we don't ask. 31. Unlubricated condoms hurt. 32. No matter what she tells you to the contrary, she wants you to send her flowers at work. 33. Or presents. We love presents anytime, anywhere. 34. But work is always best. 35. Carnations will win you ridicule, not respect. 36. Red roses, candlelight dinners, long walks on the beach - did you think of those all by yourself? 37. Men who can cook are terribly sexy. 38. Gold necklaces with giant anchors, crosses, Italian horns, or Mercedes charms on them are not sexy. 39. If you have to ask if we came, we didn't. 40. She does not cum everytime. 41. No matter what you may think, feel, guess, hear or read about to the contrary. 42. That's a clitoris you're rubbing, not a coffee stain out of your white linen suit. 43. When you get what George and Jerry call "The Tap," for the love of god, come up for air. It ain't gonna work. 44. We don't care if you look at porn. 45. We do care if you hide your porn from us as if you were 12 years old. 46. Make us breakfast the morning after. 47. Stale Apple Jacks with expired milk doesn't count. 48. We like to wear your clothes. 49. We would not like for you to wear ours. 50. Play music while we make love. 51. No, not Metallica. 52. Don't pick up the phone during sex. 53. Even if it's your broker. 54. With a million-dollar investment tip. 55. Maybe that would be okay, since you're taking us on vacation to Hawaii to celebrate. 56. Learn how to change positions without pulling out. 57. Make out with us. 58. Wash our hair. 59. Brush our hair. 60. Photograph us in the nude. 61. But not when we're feeling bloated. 62. Or when we're sleeping with our mouths open. 63. Or eating. 64. Don't name your dick. 65. Keep your requests that your girl go bald down there to a minimum. 66. Bikini waxes are painful enough, and are too much maintenance as it is. 67. You think that waxing isn't so much to endure? Get your back waxed once in a while. 68. Hurts, doesn't it? 69. No, she doesn't want to see you flex your chest muscles so that your boobs move up and down. 70. God forbid you have what anyone would call "boobs" to begin with... 71. Use whipped cream in bed, but don't use it to reenact John Belushi's zit scene in Animal House. 72. Other things not to ask her: to wear edible undies... 73. Or to eat edible undies off of you. 74. The only thing that should be eaten in the bedroom is her. 75. We hear you every time you pass gas in bed. 76. We are just polite and sympathetic enough not to mention it. 77. Extend to us the same courtesy. 78. Most women like doggy-style sex, though some secretly fear that you may "accidentally" stick it in the wrong hole. 79. If it's "other-hole action" you want, obtain clearance first. 80. We get mad when you fall asleep immediately after sex. 81. Maybe not mad, but disappointed nonetheless. 82. We'll swallow, but know this: it doesn't taste good. 83. If we tell you that it tastes O.K., we're just trying not to hurt your feelings. 84. Men with unibrows? Not gon' do 'em. 85. Don't use us to rub up against so you can jerk off. 86. Don't jerk off next to us 'cause you're too tired to have sex. 87. If we want you to jerk off, we'll tell you. 88. Sex while camping is great: sex while camping and lying under your He-Man sleeping bag is not so great. 89. Men should not have shaved pubes unless it is medically necessary. 90. Speaking a foreign language in bed can be sexy...if we're on a romantic vacation in said foreign country. 91. Having phone sex with us is cool. 92. Having phone sex with us on speakerphone with your buddies listening in is not cool. 93. Never use sex toys with us that were used in a previous relationship. 94. Even if you washed them. 95. With antibacterial soap. 96. Vibrators may make us cum more than you do, but we'd never invite them home for Thanksgiving. 97. Get to know our vibrator. It is your friend. 98. She will laugh at you if you wear a colored condom - no matter how big your cock is. 99. Kiss us after we give you head. 100. Now you know how gross your cum tastes. 101. When you're ready, say those three little words that we love to hear: Let'go again! |