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In The Dark Corners of Our Minds |
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(The world has changed . . .) |
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Really? Into what? Socks? A shirt? Both? |
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(I feel it in the water . . .) |
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* SPLASH! SPLASH! * |
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(I feel it in the earth . . .) |
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No I don't! The earth's all dirty. I wouldn't touch it! |
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(I smell it in the air . . .) |
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*Sniff Sniff * Eeew, I think someone ran over a skunk. |
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(Much that once was, is lost . . .) |
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Where did I put it again? Stupid remote control! |
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(For none now live who remember it . . .) |
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What was I supposed to remember? Darn it! Oh yeah! I need to go get some butter! * Leaves without noticing empty bag of bread on the table. * |
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(It began with the forging of the great rings . . .) |
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Once upon a time there was a jeweler who had too much time on his hands. |
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(Three were given to the Elves. Immortal, wisest and fairest of all beings . . .) |
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Elf 1: I'm prettiest! |
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Elf 2: No! I'm prettiest! |
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Elf 3: You're both wrong! I'm the prettiest of them all! HAHAHAHA! |
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* Elf 1 and 2 proceed to kill Elf 3 and argue for the rest of their immortal lives. * |
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(Seven to the Dwarf Lords. Great miners and craftsmen of the mountain halls . . .) |
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Dwarf 1: Look! I made an axe! |
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Dwarf 2: Ha! But I made a shield! |
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Dwarf 3: I know! Why don't you combine the axe and the shield to make a sort of axe-shield . . . device . . . thing . . . |
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* Both Dwarves stare blankly * |
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Dwarf 3: Or maybe not. |
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(And nine rings were gifted to the race of men, who above all else, desire power . . .) |
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Man 1: Mine! |
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Man 2: No! Mine! |
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* CRACK! * |
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Both Men: Oopsy doodles. |
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Man 1: Look what you did! You broke it! |
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Man 2: *pauses* MY broken shattered pieces! |
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(But they were, all of them, deceived, for another ring was made . . .) |
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Sauron: Ha! I've got a ring and I'm going to rule the world with it! And you all don't know! Because I'm deceiving you! MWAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!! |
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People of Middle-Earth: But you just told us. |
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Sauron: . . . . Shut up! |
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(In the land of Mordor, in the fires of Mount Doom . . .) |
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Ow! It's hot! |
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(The Dark Lord, Sauron, forged in secret, a master ring to control all others . . .) |
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Sauron: Hahaha! I will rule the world!!!!! |
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* A little girl raises her hand * |
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Sauron: Yes? |
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Girl: Does that include the little birdies that fly in the air? |
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(And into this ring, he poured his cruelty, his malice, and his will to dominate all life . . .) |
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Four tablespoons of cruelty |
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Three cups of malice |
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A pinch of will to dominate all life. |
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(One ring to rule them all!) |
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* Girl raises her hand again * |
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Does that still include the little birdies that fly in the air? |
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(One by one, the free lands of Middle-Earth fell to the power of the ring . . .) |
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No! You can't take over three at the same time! It said one by one, remember? |
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(But there were some who resisted . . .) |
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* Holding signs * |
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Person 1: Down with Sauron! |
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Person 2: Sauron is unfair! |
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Person 3: Save the whales! Oops, wrong protest. |
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(A last alliance of Men and Elves marched against the armies of Mordor . . .) |
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Right left right left turn step three four . . . Come on! We've got to get this formation right! Try it again! |
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* A few minutes later * |
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Yes! We spelled LOTR! We're definitely going to win the Battle of the Bands! |
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(And on the slopes of Mount Doom, they fought for the freedom of Middle-Earth . . .) |
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Aw gee! I have to calculate this slope soon! The fate of the world depends on it! |
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(Victory was near . . .) |
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Oh yeah! We're going to win! Go us! Go us! Go us! |
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(But the power of the ring could not be undone . . .) |
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Ring: Ha! I'm no ring! I am a giant ball of string that is so tangled I cannot be undone! Cool huh! |
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(It was in this moment, when all hope had faded . . .) |
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But I can see hope! Wait! Where is it going? It's going away! We're all doomed! Doomed I say! |
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(That Isildur, son of the king, took up his father's sword!) |
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You can't beat me! I got my daddy's sword! And I'm going win this with this . . . * CRUNCH * . . . broken, battered STUPID PIECE OF JUNK! |
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(Sauron, the enemy of the free peoples of Middle-Earth, was defeated . . .) |
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Hey! What do you know! My daddy's sword did work! Ha! Its like I always said. The good guy always wins. Until the bad guy pops up out of nowhere because he really isn't dead and KILLS EVERYBODY!!!!!! Ahem. Sorry for the outburst. |
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(The ring passed to Isildur, who had this one chance to destroy evil forever . . .) |
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But unfortunately, Isildur was a blundering idiot. |
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Isildur: No! I don't wanna! |
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(But the hearts of men, are easily corrupted . . .) |
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Ooh! Look! A pretty ring! I think I'm going become corrupt and take it! |
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(And the ring of power has a will of its own . . .) |
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Ring: I'm powerful and I have a will of my own. Man! I'm the coolest ring I know! You don't believe me? Then go jump into a lake! SPLASH! See! I told you so! |
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(It betrayed Isildur to his death . . .) |
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I can commit murder too? |
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(And some things that should not have been forgotten, were lost . . .) |
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Wife: Honey, what day is today? |
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Husband: Umm. . . Tuesday? |
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Wife: Grrrrr. (Idiot it's my birthday!) |
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(History became legend, legend became myth . . .) |
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And pigs became frogs, and telephones became Dwarves . . . |
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(And for two and a half thousand years, the ring passed out of all knowledge . . .) |
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Ring? What ring!? |
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(Until, when chance came, it ensnared a new bearer . . .) |
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AHHHH! IT CAUGHT ME! I CAN'T GET AWAY! AHHH! Wait, it's a ring, and a pretty ring at that. Never mind. |
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(The ring came to the creature Gollum . . .) |
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CREATURE! Look who's talking! How would you like it if I called you scary elf lady! You wouldn't be too happy now would you! Now why don't you start that over. Say, how about "O Great Gollum, King of the World?" |
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(Who took it deep into the tunnels of the Misty Mountains . . .) |
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To rent a room in the Misty Mountains: Dial 1-800-LUXURY We have a wide variety of rooms including our honeymoon suite on the island in the middle of a slimy, rotten-fish-filled lake! You won't find better accommodations anywhere in Middle-Earth! |
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Gollum: It's dark in here. Where did they install that stupid light switch? *Click* Wow! Slimy and rotten, just like the advertisement! Talk about paradise! |
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(And there, it consumed him . . .) |
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AHHH! THE RING IS EATING ME! I wonder if I taste good? |
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(Darkness crept back into the forests of the world . . .) |
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Darkness: Shhhhh! We have to be really, really quiet! * Trips over a tree trunk * WHAAAAA! |
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(Rumor grew of a shadow in the east, whispers of a nameless fear . . .) |
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Person 1: Hey! Guess what my friend heard from her brother's friend's aunt's second cousin? |
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Person 2: What? |
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Person 1: I don't know for sure. The story got exaggerated from several retellings. But I was told that the Oliphaunts are planning to take over Mordor. |
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(And the ring of power perceived, its time had now come . . .) |
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Beep! Beep! Beep! |
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Ring: * turns off timer * Times up! Gotta go help take over the world now! |
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(It abandoned Gollum . . .) |
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Ring: I don't like you anymore. I'm leaving! |
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* Ring rolls away * |
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Gollum: NOOOOOO! Why didn't I treat you better!? We could have saved our relationship! I know we could have! WHY DID YOU HAVE TO LEAVE ME!!!!!!????? |
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(But something happened then the ring did not intend . . .) |
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Ring: what are you talking about? Nothing happens without my approval! * Steps in a pile of horse droppings * Aw gee! That wasn't supposed to happen!! |
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Person: You were saying? |
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Ring: Oh . . . GO JUMP IN A LAKE! * SPLASH * Heh heh. I still got it. |
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(It was picked up by the most unlikely creature imaginable . . .) |
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I don't know about that. I would think that a giraffe in a pink gorilla suit would be harder to imagine. |
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(A Hobbit: Bilbo Baggins of the Shire . . .) |
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Well his real name was Freddy Finkle- Bottom, but no one seemed to like that. |
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(For the time will soon come, when Hobbits will shake the fortunes of all . . .) |
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Hobbit: Time to go to work! * Steps outside and picks up a treasure chest and shakes it. * |
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I like my fortune shaken not stirred. |
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Director: Wait! Stop! You're shaking it too hard!!!!! Here shake it gently, like this. |
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Hobbit: I'll shake you! |
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* Grabs director and shakes him till he falls down. Then turns on cameramen and crew and begins to them shake them all until they get really dizzy and fall down. * |
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Stage hand: AHHHHH! Killer hobbit on the loose! |
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* When the hobbit was done shaking everybody to the ground, he began to shake the set. This caused the building to collapse, burying everyone in the rubble. * |
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The End |
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Back to Lord of the Rings fanfiction |
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Home |
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