Coruscant

By Sigil

Way back when I was just a little bitty boy living in a box under the stairs in the corner of the basement half a block down the street from Watto's Junk Shop

You know the place.

Well anyway, back then life was going swell and everything was just PEACHY!

Except, of course, for the undeniable fact that every single morning

Watto would give me a whole bunch of orders before breakfast

Awww -- BIG BUNCH OF ORDERS!

EVERY SINGLE MORNING!

It was driving me crazy

I said to Watto

I said "Hey, Watto, what's up with all the orders?"

And dear, sweet Watto

He just looked at my like a bantha looks at an oncoming landspeeder

And he leaned right down next to me

And he said "I'M YOUR MASTER, IDIOT!"

And then he tied me to a Podracer and had me fix his stuff

And made me do Podraces until I was nine and a half years old

That's when I swore that someday

Someday I would get outta that Podracer and travel to a magical, far away place

Where the sun is never shining and the air smells like warm Gizer ale

And the slaves are oh so free

Where the Jedi and the Republic arrest bad guys all day long

And anyone on the street will gladly give you water for a nickel (whatever that is)

Wacka wacka doodoo yeah

Well, let me tell you, people, it wasn't long at all before my dream came true

Because the very next day, a Jedi put me in this contest

To see who could beat Sebulba in a Podrace at the Boonta Eve

My Podracer was damaged by Sebulba, but I still won the grand prize

That's right, a first class one-way ticket to

Coruscant, Coruscant

Oh yeah

You know, I'd never been on a real spaceship before

And I gotta tell ya, it was really great

Except that I had to sit by a large Gungan with excruciatingly severe body odor

And the little kid in back of me kept throwin' up the whole time (oh wait, that was me)

The flight attendants ran out of Gizer ale and salted womp rats

And the in-flight movie was Bantha Love with Bertie Bantha

And, oh yeah, we got attacked by a Sith

And he nearly killed Qui-Gon

And the ship barely got away without exploding into a giantfireball and nobody died!

Especially me

You know why?

'Cause I had my tray table up, and my seat back in the full upright position

Had my tray table up, and my seat back in the full upright position

Ah ha ha ha

Ah ha ha

Ahhhh

So I crawled from the safely landed spaceship

I crawled on my hands and knees right up to the Jedi Council

Dragged along by a big older Jedi

And a much younger Jedi

And I got asked a bunch of questions by a big, bald black guy

But finally I arrived at the world famous Coruscant Holiday Inn

Where the towels are oh so fluffy

And you can eat your nerf steak right out of the ashtrays if you wanna

It's OK, they're clean

Well, I checked into my room and I turned down the A/C

And I turned on the SpectraVision

And I'm just about to eat that little chocolate mint on my pillow

That I love so very, very much when suddenly, there's a knock on the door

Well now, who could that be?

I say, "Who is it?"

No answer

"Who is it?"

There's no answer

"WHO IS IT?"

They're not sayin' anything

So, finally I go over and I open the door and just as I suspected

It's some big fat Sith with a red and black tattoos and only two nostrils

Oh man, I hate it when I'm right

So anyway, he bursts into my room and he grabs my lucky lightsaber

And I'm like "Hey, you can't have that"

"That lightsaber's been just like a lightsaber to me"

And he's like "Tough"

And I'm like "Give it"

And he's like "Make me"

And I'm like "'Kay"

So I grabbed his leg and he grabbed my esophagus

And I bit off his ear and he chewed off my eyebrows

And I took out his appendix and he gave me a colonic irrigation

Yes indeed, you better believe it

And somehow in the middle of it all, the comlink got knocked off the hook

And twenty seconds later, I heard a familiar voice

And you know what it said?

I'll tell you what it said

It said

"If you'd like to make a call, please hang up and try again"

"If you need help, hang up and then dial your operator"

"If you'd like to make a call, please hang up and try again"

"If you need help, hang up and then dial your operator"

In Coruscant, Coruscant

Well, to cut a long story short, he got away with my lightsaber

But I made a solemn vow right then and there that I would not rest

I would not sleep for an instant until the two-nostrilled man was brought to justice.

But first, I decided to buy some donuts

So I got in my car and I drove over to the donut shop

And I walked on up to the guy behind the counter

And he says "Yeah, what do ya want?"

I said, "You got any glazed donuts?"

He said "No, we're outta glazed donuts"

I said "Well, you got any jelly donuts?"

He said "No, we're outta jelly donuts"

I said, "You got any Corellian cream-filled donuts?"

He said "No, we're outta Corellian cream-filled donuts"

I said, "You got any cinnamon rolls?"

He said "No, we're outta cinnamon rolls"

I said, "You got any apple fritters?"

He said "No, we're outta apple fritters"

I said, "You got any bear claws?"

He said, "Wait a minute, I'll go check"

"No, we're outta bear claws"

I said, "Well, in that case - in that case, what do you have?"

He says "All I got right now is this box of one dozen starving, crazed womp rats"

I said "OK, I'll take that"

So he hands me the box and I open up the lid and the womp rats jump out

And they immediately latch onto my face and start bitin' me all over

(rabid gnawing sounds)

Oh man, they were just going nuts

They were tearin' me apart

You know, I think it was just about that time that a little ditty started goin' through my head

I believe it went a little something like this . . .

Doh

Get 'em off me

No, get 'em off, get 'em off

Oh, oh God, oh God

Oh, get 'em off me

Oh, oh God

Ah, (more screaming)

I ran out into the street with these flesh-eating womprats all over my face

Wavin' my arms all around and just runnin', runnin', runnin' like a constipated rancor.

And as luck would have it, that's exactly when I ran into the girl of my dreams

Her name was Padme

She was a diplomacy enthusiast with a slight overbite and hair the color of strained bantha feces

I'll never forget the first thing she said to me.

She said "Hey, you've got womp rats on your face"

That's when I knew it was true love

We were inseparable after that

We ate together, we bathed together, we even shared the same piece of mint-flavored dental floss

The world was our nerf steak

So we got married and we bought us a house

And had two beautiful children - Luke and Leia

Oh, we were so very very very happy, aw yeah

But then one fateful night, Padme said to me

She said "Sweetie pumpkin? Do you wanna stop being a Sith for a while?"

I said "Whoa, hold on now, baby, I'm just not ready for that kind of a commitment"

So we broke up and I never saw her again, but that's just the way things go

In Coruscant, Coruscant

Anyway, things really started lookin' up for me

Because about a week later, I finally achieved my lifelong dream

That's right, I got me a part-time job at The Empire

I even made employee of the month after I killed a bunch of people by thinking at ';em

Aw yeah, everybody was pretty jealous of me after that

I was gettin' a lot of attitude

OK, like one time, I was out in the parking lot

Tryin' to breath without my respirator

When I see this guy Marty tryin' to carry a big ol' repulsorcouch up the stairs all by himself

So I, I say to him, I say "Hey, you want me to help you with that?"

And Marty, he just rolls his eyes and goes

"No, I want you to cut off my arms and legs with a lightsaber"

So I did

And then he gets all indignant on me

He's like "Hey man, I was just being sarcastic"

Well, that's just great

How was I supposed to know that?

I'm not a mind reader for cryin' out loud

Besides, now he's got a really cute nickname - Torso-Boy - so what's he complaining about?

Say, that reminds me of another amusing anecdote

This guy comes up to me on the street and says he hasn't had a bite in three days

Well, I knew what he meant, but just to be funny, I took a big bite out of his jugular vein

And he's yellin' and screamin' and bleeding all over

And I'm like "Hey, come on, don'tcha get it?"

But he just keeps rolling around on the ferrocrete bleeding, and screaming

(screaming sounds)

You know, just completely missing the irony of the whole situation

Man, some people just can't take a joke, you know?

Anyway, um, um, where was I?

Kinda lost my train of thought

Uh, well, uh, OK

Anyway I, I know it's kinda been a roundabout way of saying it

But I guess the whole point I'm tryin' to make here is

I HATE TAKING ORDERS!!

That's all I'm really tryin' to say

And, by the way, if one day you happen to wake up

And find yourself in an evil Empire

Full of loathing and self-doubt

And wracked with the pain and isolation of your pitiful meaningless existence

At least you can take a small bit of comfort in knowing that

Somewhere out there in this crazy old mixed-up universe of ours

There's still a little place called

Coruscant, Coruscant, Coruscant, Coruscant, Coruscant

I said "C" (C)

"O" (O)

"R" (R)

"U" (U)

(pause)

"scant" (scant)

Coruscant, Coruscant, Coruscant, Coruscant

Coruscant

(belch)

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