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Q. How long does it take to learn ejaculatory control?
A. How quickly you learn to control your ejaculation depends on how much you practice, and the attitude you practice with. It's almost a paradox: The more patient and loving you are with yourself, the less in a hurry to achieve quick results, the faster you'll learn. That's because relaxation is the key, and you can't be relaxed if you're very goal-oriented. When you're goal-oriented, you're tense and usually judgmental. Ideas like, "I don't know if I'll ever learn this stuff.....Perhaps it's not for me....I'm wasting my time...." or similar discouraging thoughts will retard the process of learning.

So be positive and loving. Start your self-pleasuring sessions as though you would pleasure the body of a god, or a person you love and admire, so you don't care how long it takes that person to learn ejaculation control, or anything else. It helps if you set the mood by lighting a candle, and perhaps having some of your favorite flowers and/or inspiring pictures in view. The right kind of music can help set the right atmosphere for relaxation as well. Each time you pleasure yourself and feel an ejaculation approaching, try to become more consciously aware of all the signals your body is sending you. With practice, you'll be better able to regulate your reaction.

By the way, the more I work with people concerned about ejaculation control, the more I realize that the word "control" is not really appropriate. It's rather a redistribution of energy throughout the body. With breathing techniques and the use of your PC muscles, you engage your imagination. Visualize that you're bringing the very hot energy that has collected around your genitals to the rest of your body, especially to your heart, mixed with a feeling of love for yourself. It's almost as if you're opening up a dam and letting the flow of water run along the river. Imagine that it's a river of warm energy, love and light, spreading throughout your body.

I hope this helps you a little. Obviously most people need more than one session before they can actually master ejaculation. It helps when someone knowledgeable can guide you through the experience.

Q. Where is a woman's G-spot, and how can it be stimulated?
A. When approaching the G-spot, it's helpful to think about how you can lovingly "awaken" the area. This gives both the man and the woman the opportunity to become more aware of deep feelings, and to experience how the body, the mind and the spirit all respond to the pleasure. This attitude will greatly deepen your love connection.

The G-spot isn't really a "spot," as Dr. Grafenberg thought, but a larger area inside the vagina, located up and behind the pubic bone. I recommend finding it first by entering the vaginal opening with your ring finger (because it has an affinity with the genitals), and then you might add your middle finger if appropriate. Hook your finger up around the internal public bone, toward the front of the body. Slowly move your finger from the 9 o'clock to the 3 o'clock position, searching for a ridged area that feels spongy, usually located at about the 12 o'clock position. It's a tissue that becomes erect when aroused, so the area increases in size with engorgement. When you've developed a sensitivity to energy, you'll feel the difference in texture.

This is a very sensitive area for a woman, which has great potential to give her intense pleasure. But it can also be a holding place for emotional pain-especially if she's had some sexual abuse, or was entered without having agreed to it, or before she was ready. So if you're going to explore this area, it's important that you proceed very slowly at first, touching each part very gently, and almost waiting for her to move against your finger. After asking her permission, enter with reverence and respect.

Often, before it can be pleasurable for a woman to experience stimulation there, she may initially feel discomfort, or it may bring up disturbing emotions from her past. In this case, you need to become a healer, and listen to her with love and compassion. Don't take anything she says as a personal rejection. If she cries, or laughs, or shows any other emotion, make space for it to happen naturally. Just let her feel safe with her emotions by being there to support her lovingly. She'll come out of the experience feeling more open, and probably more trusting and grateful for your support. Such a woman is usually very generous in returning pleasure to you, but you might want to remind her that this is her time to receive pleasure, and that she can return the favor some other time. This thoughtfulness always works wonders for building deeper relationships between true lovers.

When experimenting with stimulating the G-spot, it's best if you don't have any goals or expectations, such as reaching a climax. Just approach the experience with curiosity and love. Be very gentle and sensitive with your touch initially, then use slightly more pressure after she starts to feel the pleasure. Encourage her to communicate what kinds of touch she prefers at any moment. Her wishes might change quickly, so really listen to her feedback; don't just keep repeating the same touch.

A woman may experience many different emotions in one session. See them all as a prelude to a real treasure of pleasure, ready to emerge. Learning about the G-spot is definitely worth your time and patience. Good luck.