| How To Be Annoying: A Simple Guide |
| Play the banjo...badly. Drum on every available surface. Staple papers in the middle of the page. Produce a rental video consisting entirely of dire FBI copyright warnings. Sew anti-theft detector strips into people's backpacks. Hide dairy products in inaccessible places. Write the surprise ending to a novel on its first page. Specify that your drive-through order is "to go". Set alarms for random times. Publicly investigate just how slowly you can make a "croaking" noise. Honk and wave to strangers. Dress only in clothes colored Hunter's Orange. Change channels five minutes before the end of every show. Wear your pants backwards. Decline to be seated at a restaurant, and simply eat their complementary mints by the cash register. Begin all your sentences with "ooh la la!" Leave someone's printer in compressed-italic-Cyrillic-landscape mode. ONLY TYPE IN UPPERCASE. only type in lowercase. dont use any punctuation either Buy a large quantity of orange traffic cones and reroute whole streets. Pay for your dinner with pennies. Tie jingle bells to all your clothes. Repeat everything someone says, as a question. Write "X - BURIED TREASURE" in random spots on all of someone's roadmaps. Inform everyone you meet of your personal Kennedy assassination/UFO/ OJ Simpson conspiracy theories. Repeat the following conversation a dozen times: "Do you hear that?" "What?" "Never mind, it's gone now." Wander around the restaurant, asking other diners for their parsley. Demand that everyone address you as "Conquistador". Push all the flat Lego pieces together tightly. At the Laundromat, use one dryer for each of your socks. Wear a cape that says "Magnificent One". As much as possible, skip rather than walk. Stand over someone's shoulder, mumbling, as they read. Finish the 99 bottles of beer song Sing the "This is the song that never ends..." song. (Ya know, Lamb Chops?) Pretend your mouse is a CB radio, and talk to it. Try playing the William Tell Overture by tapping on the bottom of your chin. When nearly done, announce "no, wait, I messed it up", and repeat. Drive half a block. Name your dog "Dog". Inform others that they exist only in your imagination. Ask people what gender they are. Reply to everything someone says with "that's what YOU think." Cultivate a Norwegian accent. If Norwegian, affect a Southern Drawl. Forget the punch line to a long joke, but assure the listener it was a "real hoot". Routinely handcuff yourself to furniture, informing the curious that you don't want to fall off "in case the big one comes". Follow a few paces behind someone, spraying everything they touch with a can of Lysol. While making presentations, occasionally bob your head like a parakeet. Lie obviously about trivial things such as the time of day. Make beeping noises when a large person backs up. Change your name to John Aaaaasmith for the great glory of being first in the phone book. Claim it's a Hawaiian name, and demand that people pronounce each A. Sit in your front yard pointing a hair dryer at passing cars to see if they slow down. Chew on pens that you've borrowed. Invent nonsense computer jargon in conversations, and see if people play along to avoid the appearance of ignorance. Wear a LOT of cologne. Ask to "interface" with someone. Listen to 33rpm records at 45rpm speed, and claim the faster speed is necessary because of your "superior mental processing". Finish all your sentences with the words "in accordance with prophesy". Ask the waitress for an extra seat for your "imaginary friend". Ask your friends mysterious questions, and scribble their answers in a notebook. Mutter something about "psychological profiles". Stare at static on the TV and claim you can see a "magic picture". Select the same song on the jukebox fifty times. Scuff your feet on a dry, shaggy carpet and seek out victims. Do not add any inflection to the end of your sentences, producing awkward silences with the impression that you'll be saying more any moment. Never make eye contact. Never break eye contact. Signal that a conversation is over by clamping your hands over your ears. Construct elaborate "crop circles" in your front lawn. Construct your own pretend "tricorder", and "scan" people with it, announcing the results. Holler random numbers while someone is counting. Make appointments for the 31st of September. Invite lots of people to other people's partie Blow out other people's birthday candles Go up the down escalator Announce when you're going to the bathroom Let doors slam behind you -- in other people's faces Touch strangers Dance fast to slow music and vice-versa Buy it, wear it, return it Tell people they have bad breath Smell smoke often and announce it Eat out with friends and "forget" your wallet Step on the back of the shoe of the person in front of you Make scary faces at babies Pretend you're listening Shake with your left hand Adjust the TV so that all the people are green and insist to others that you "like it that way." Learn Morse code, and have conversations with friends in public consisting entirely of "Beeeep Bip Bip Beeeep Bip..." Repeat things in a list so people get confused and have to scroll up to see if they saw it before. Wear your pants backwards. Incessantly recite annoying phrases, such as "sticky wicket isn't cricket." |
| How To Be Annoying: A Simple Guide |