| Ok, two muffins were in an oven and one said "Oh my god, it�s so hot in here!" and the other one said "Oh my god! A talking muffin!" I wish I had a ton of money. And in ton I don't mean a lot. I mean an actual ton of money, because, man, that would be a lot of money. I don't know why people like those boy bands so much. I mean, everything they do is choreographed, from their dance moves onstage, to how they're gonna have sex with each other after the show. I've always been an outcast, apparently having three testicles isn't the IN thing. Life isn't about being fair. It's about a little mouse and his voyage around the world. Hey! Let's make a kite out of squirrels and fly to the moon. Oh, but life is too short to worry about making kites from small animals. Games are just like mustard. They taste good on a sandwich and when you're not eating a sandwich they just sit there...in the fridge...in a jar...with a label. Anything for you my magical fat-faced pinata. With freedom comes responsibility...and nudity. It's not a matter of getting it or not getting it. The real question is, "Is it worth bothering to get?" If I was interested in getting it, it would be gotten. Oh you can be sure of that. But even if I did choose to get it, and then got it, what would I get? I mean, what would be in it for me? I'm not the ass. You're the one who's the ass....YOU ASS. I hate to tell you this...but you have sense of humor cancer. I believe every word that man said...because it's everything I wanted to hear. Like I always say when I'm showering...SHOWER TIME! I was doing this to prove a point. A point which I have now forgotten. To be loved you have to be nice to people everyday. But to be hated, you gotta do JACK SQUAT. It's such a beautiful day. If only I could bottle this and sell it in gourmet shops for an insanely high price. Movies are great. They inspire us in love, hate, and revenge fantasies. I'm not bitter. I'm just so enraged that it's eating away at my stomach and bile is burning my throat. But otherwise, I'm okay. Hello little muffins, I'm gonna bite you and chew your delicious muffiny morsels, then I'll carry you in my stomach where I will slowly digest you, sucking out your muffiny vitamins and dispersing them through my entire body, until I am one with the muffin. You're living in a make-believe world with flowers and unicorns and magical leprechauns with funny little hats. If only there was a place where a man could go and eat erotically decorated cakes in peace! He told me to get in the freezer because there was a carnival in there. But there was no carnival. It was a damn freezer! You don't need a machine to make a rainbow. Rainbows come from happy thoughts, and chocolate unicorns, and gumdrops, and licorice sunsets from the chocolate gumdrop land. This happened once before, but I forgot how I fixed it. The jig is up, cause you're going down, where the jig is not...because it's in the place I mentioned before. There's nothing worse than waking up next to someone after a night of drinking and not knowing what their name is, or how you met, or why they're dead. Try biting me now ant! From the afterlife! Pie: Cancer's Worst Foe Don't worry head, the computer will do our thinking now. I remember one time when my father went out for a night on the town, which of course turned into a week, and when he got home my mother asked, "Honey, is there anything you won't drink?" And my father said, "Yeah poison! I'm saving that for you." And me and my brother, who is now a raging alcoholic, just laughed and laughed...good times. Oh right, I don't have superpowers...yet. When I was young we were too poor to buy toys, so we made our own...out of dirt. During the depression you HAD to grift...or work. Oh now you've done it! You've crushed my spirit, crushed it into tiny little bite-sized pieces. I think the point where we became the lowest rung of society was when that cold snap killed all the hobos. Like my grandma used to say, "Why buy the cow when you get the sex for free?" Of course that was before she became a lesbian on her 60th birthday. But that's beside the point. I'm drunk, drunk on life, and life is a sweet elixir with a fiery aftertaste...like cranberry juice. The more I hear about you the more I think we're like sisters or something. Where one of the sisters is this really beautiful princess and the other isn't. If you can answer my question I'll give you a prize, a crappy prize. So really, it's not worth the effort. I'm finally rich enough to get myself a crazy stripper wife and I'm gonna get me the craziest stippiest one of them all. I guess the best part of being a cult leader is getting people to kill or castrate themselves for no other reason than you think you saw something in a dream. I was at the flower shop...yep, getting drunk at the old flower shop. Sometimes I just want to grab a handful of my own hair and rip it out...then make a doll, a pretty hair doll, then I'd fill it with ground beef so it would feel more realistic. When I was a child, I spoke as a child, understood as a child, and thought like a child; but when I became a man, I took that child out back and had him shot. If it were up to me, I'd want you to live forever. But tell that to Killy McGee up there. When I need to get away from my family I go to the basement and work on my music. And when I need to get away from my music, I go to the room beneath my basement and work on my robot. You must keep your anger inside, like a monkey inside a pi�ata, hiding with the candy, hoping the children don't break it open with a stick. Sometimes I take things too far, like when it comes to messing around with cats. Sure it's all fun and games when you're just throwing rocks at strays, but when you capture three and stuff them in a Hefty bag and hang it on a tetherball pole and shoot it full of arrows and the cats screech and blood drips out, then that's a totally different thing. I don't mind being called a liar when I'm lying, or about to lie, or thinking about lying. But not when I'm telling the truth! Death is a part of baseball...the main part. I can help you find what you're looking for...or, for a simple fee, I can be what you're looking for. We bikers and skaters should learn to be friends; at least we have something in common. We both hate people on unicycles. Those people suck. I don't know what I'd do without you...probably move on. Though there'd be a ten minute period where I would be inconsolable. Let's get it on instead of talking about getting it on, cause on is where I want to get. Ahhh, it's the truth fairy, trying to beat his way in! You see how my body is glowing like that, not many people can do that you know. You want some of this glowy? I'm gonna take your soul and totally chew on it, and floss with your spirit. I believe in the philosophy of a ruling class, especially since I rule. Do what I said 'cause I said it. I'd like to see you get out of this one! Actually, I wouldn't like to see you get out of this one since the purpose was to get you in this in the first place, so I suppose I'd like to see you stay in this one, and also I'd like to see a science fiction movie. MUAHAHA I'm going to impress everyone with my evil ray gun, then I'll call Missy Winklebauer and ask her if she wants to come over, and she'll ask "What time?" and I'll say, "How about six?" and she'll say, "No, that's not good for me, how about seven?" and I'll say, "Let me check my calendar." And then I will. I've come to the conclusion that I need more gorillas in my empty life. Your girlfriend has a kissing booth for charity, except it doesn't cost anything, and it isn't for charity, and there's no booth, and its more than just kissing, and you don't have to be a guy..dude, I think she's cheating on you. If you were Steven Tyler for one night and could get any woman alive, who would you pick? See me, I would pick Liv Tyler. This one is for the little cripples boy...that I crippled. You know what I hate? Soccer. Hockey is so much better. It's so stupid how they use nets in soccer and the whole object is to get the ball past a goalie. That's so dumb. You barfed in the punch bowl we all share, and now you're trying to tell us its alphabet soup! Ben Franklin was an interesting man. He discovered electricity and used it to torture small animals and green mountain men. And you know that key he tied to the kite? It opened the gates of hell! I like any town where you can see a man with his pants full of poop fighting a ghost. When I was 18 I fell in love, so I asked my dad, "Is love real?" and he said, "NO! But herpes is, so watch your ass!" And I remember looking into his blistered face and thinking, "Why couldn't he just say yes?" I will drink water from the toilet like a dog before I pay for my own sodas. Man! That hurt like crap! If crap hurt, which it doesn't. Well, I guess if you dried it and it got really hard and you threw it at someone, that might hurt. The next time a novelty clam comes to me in my dreams and tells me to start a business I'm going to tell him to shove it! If my ears could talk I'm sure they would say, "Thank you, you have enriched us both." My grandpa had three K's carved on his tombstone, I never knew what it meant, but it's always been a positive association. As a child I was bit by the acting bug, then it burrowed under my skin and laid eggs in my heart. They were looking at me! With their EYES! Using a sharp object to gouge expletives into a car is a sign of trust and friendship. There's nothing like revenge for getting back at people, but vengeance is good too. You must be mistaking me for the man who used to live here, some say he grew a beard and still lives here, but that�s a DAMN lie! Show me another woman who isn't jealous of another woman, and I'll show you a man. Idle hands spend time at the genitals, and we all know how God hates that. Much like the melon who doesn't thank the fertilizer for making him fat and delicious, I fear I have neglected you. There comes a time in every friendship where you have to say, "I never liked you in the first place! Now get lost!" I don't really understand much about life, but then again I don't particularly care. There are many things in this world I don't understand, and I attribute it all to claymation. Do not insult what little intelligence I have. Everybody hates me because wherever I go someone dies or gets hurt. Let's give it all we've got until there isn't anymore, then we'll take out a second mortgage and give that too, then we'll go door-to-door selling delicious candies, some of which we will eat ourselves. Bears are crazy. They'll bite your head if you're wearing steak on it. I had the most wonderful dream. I dreamt that me and James Dean were riding out West on an ice-cream donkey, and even though the donkey melted just outside of Walnut City, Dean just kept on smiling, cause that's just the kind of guy he is. Do not fear me for I am the executioner! I'm just a part of the circle of life...the last part. Don't reach for the stars. Just grab whatever you can get and run with it. What�s with the jar full of parts? Are you making a monster or something? Oh right...you are. How's that going for you? All famous writers were alcoholics. There's Hemingway, that other guy, and that lady who killed herself. But where�s all the great pothead writers? There aren't any because who wants to read a book about the most delicious Twinkie? Anyways long story short is a phrase with a history that's long and rambling. I don't know why they call it being "stoned" to death. I think it should be called "crushed to death by big fucking rocks." I'm filled with the juices of life! So please excuse me while I go pee. In my town you can't drive naked. Well, actually you can, but why would you want to? I mean if you got into an accident and flew through the windshield, then what would protect your skin? It would probably be scraped off by the asphault. I think they SHOULD make it illegal to drive naked. We should all write to our congressmen. Is there anything more awe-inspiring than the little squirrel who grows up to be the majestic tree, then flies away. If I could be anything in the world I think I'd want to be a hobo...wandering the country, singin and stabbin. How many vegetables had to die for your damn salad! I've been called ugly, pugly, pugly-ugly, fugly...but never ugly-ugly. I don't wanna do anything illegal but I'd kill someone in front of his mother for a ten-speed, and if anyone testified against me I'd gouge their eyes out. I love my arms...that's where my hands live. Instead of using money to buy toys I prefer to use my unlimited imagination...because I dont have any damn money. That alleged lie that I allegedly said a minute ago...that's a parasite that lives in my neck. Your heart is in the right place, but your brain is somewhere cold and scary...covered with spiders. I'm energized! Just like a woodchuck when it clings to the side of a tree, moving its jaws up and down, over and over. Throwing acid is wrong...in some people's eyes. Dolphins are intelligent and friendly...intelligent and friendly on rye bread with some mayonaisse. Dolphins, eskimos, it's all a bunch of tree-hugging hippie crap. I am the Landstander! I must stand on land! Ooh a skybox, the openess of the sky, with the security of a box. I don't believe in bad luck, but I do believe in horrible and debilitating coincidences. You have the right to remain silent, and the right to feel my fist if you don't shut up. I like Bob so much I have incased him in snow, keeping him fresh for later use. You're harder to count on than an abacus coated with finger-repellent, and made of razor blades. Revenge is a dish best served cold, with a lovely yet gentle mint-flavored sauce. You know, that sounds dangerous. And what goes great with danger? Gumballs! Fries don't come with that deadly shake. Don't make me kick you in the hands! Here I go! I'm kicking you in the hands! Being gay today sure is easy, I mean you can get married in 2 out of 50 states. People are now 60% more likely to become gay. So in the next 10 years 3 out of 2 people will be gay, so now where there are 10 women in a room having sex with eachother, there is now 30, which begs the question, "Where is that room?" A lot of people may think college is all about parties and drinking and sex and drugs. Well, it is. But it's also about love. You don't understand officer! The cow told me to tip it over...and have sex with it. It really freaks people out when you go up to them, look them in the eye, and tell them that you're going to rob them, follow them home, gut their family like pigs and then rape the corpses. You have just recieved the Amish Computer Virus. Since the Amish don't have computers and probably dont have computer viruses, it is based on the honor system. So please delete all the files from your computer. Thank you for you cooperation. People try to put me down...but I just get back up, and shoot them in the groin. Love is a weird thing. There's love at first sight, passionate love, and then there's the "get someone pregnant, get married, then hopefully be able to stand each other after 20 years" kind of love Once upon a time there was an ugly barnacle. He was so ugly, that everyone died. There this group of people that want to ban porn from hotels. The name of the group is "People Who Want To Ruin Everything." I'm going to devote my life to fighting cancer! Now where is that pussy Cancer? I'm going to beat it's ass good! Your just like one of those police dogs that they set into the wild and they go all soft and get eaten by a deer. Don't try to confuse me with half-truths and gorilla dust! When life gives you lemons make lemonade, and then throw that lemonade in the face of the person who gave you the lemons until they give you the oranges you wanted in the first place. My favorite fruit is the potato. My butt is also a radio, lemme stand up and play you a butt tune. Aren't we all delicious people on the inside, where the meat is? My diaper is loaded with secrets! Your Russian brain will never be able to wipe away the stench of deciet. I am from the 7th level of Yore! You will be judged harshly! You are not funny and your judging will reflect this! I will suck out your blood and rip your liver from its socket! The best form of suicide is replacing your kidney with a bomb. Once upon a time there was a cowboy named Texas Bob. Texas Bob lived in St. Louis Missouri, where the big arch is. Texas Bob had lived in St. Louis Missouri all his life. And in fact, he had never been anywhere but...St. Louis Missouri. People would stop Texas Bob on the street and say: "Hey, Texas Bob, how come you're not called St. Louis Bob?" And Texas Bob would answer: "Tarnation! There's a snake in my boots!" or... "Jumping Jehosafat! I just fell on a cactus dagnabit!" Texas Bob worked in a shoe factory. He lived with his dog, Texas Ernie. Everyday there was a new adventure. It's like that in St. Louis Missouri. The end. You know love is a happy time. All throughout the universe. It's when the male part of the species goes to the female part of the species and says: "Hey, do you want to go on a date?" And then she would say: "Why yes, I'd like to go on a date." If you're LUCKY!- And then you go to a restaurant, and she gets something called A salad. And then he gets a big piece of beef, that he eats. And that to me ladies and gentlemen, is LOVE. Kinda makes you cry, doesn't it? All I want for Christmas are some legs and pants.... "I'm going to put on my thinking cap for this one" "We're both going to have to put on our thniking caps." "Sorry, I only built one." "I have so many lawyers lined up to see me you'd think I have tobacco leaking out of my breast implants." Everyone makes mistakes, which is why God invented the Mexican divorce. You know what they say, "You shouldn't dip your wang into the company ink," Well I say you should feel free to dip it into anything else, such as a cup of coffee, or a box of paperclips. Calculus is only useful if you're walking down the sidewalk and a calculus problem jumped out and yelled "SOLVE ME!" The red-headed Christian who plays a blind man doesn't agree with you on that cookie-eating theory. I have never felt so much joy and love without ruining a towel. Don't you hate raisin cookies? They make you think they're chocolate chip.. then you're like NOOO! THAT'S NO CHOCOLATE THAT'S A DRY GRAPE. Um, there was this guy I met one time and he told me the secrets of the universe, but like I was tripping and I forgot them and like when I asked people about it, they told me there was no guy there..... Maybe that was like God talking to me and maybe I should have had like some paper to write down his message. I have struck fear in the hearts of small children. It has been a good day. Is nitroglycerin a vegetable? Look, I just crapped out of my leg! They looked like a gang, or some other organized crime unit. You broke your watermelon! I'm just killing you, that's all. I'm morbid and happy! You sound like a small animal being molested. I didn't MEAN to put the hotdog in your locker. ..and I always remember the last words of my grandfather, who said "A truck!" I ran three miles today, finally I said "lady take your purse." I was walking down the street, something caught my eye...and dragged it fifteen feet. I was walking across a bridge one day, and I saw a man standing on the edge, about to jump off. so I ran over and said "stop! don't do it!" "Why shouldn't I?" he said. I said, "Well, there's so much to live for!" He said, "Like what?" I said, "Well...are you religious or atheist?" He said, "Religious." I said, "Me too! Are you Christian or Buddhist?" He said, "Christian." I said, "Me too! Are you Catholic or Protestant?" He said, "Protestant." I said, "Me too! Are you Episcopalian or Baptist?" He said, "Baptist!" I said, "Wow! Me too! Are you Baptist Church of God or Baptist Church of the Lord?" He said, "Baptist Church of God!" I said, "Me too! Are you original Baptist Church of God, or are you Reformed Baptist Church of God?" He said, "Reformed Baptist Church of God!" I said, "Me too! Are you Reformed Baptist Church of God, reformation of 1879, or Reformed Baptist Church of God, reformation of 1915?" He said, "Reformed Baptist Church of God, reformation of 1915!" I said, "Die, heretic scum", and pushed him off. Back in high school, my buddies tried to put the make on anything that moved. I told them, "Why limit yourselves?" I discovered my wife in bed with another man, and I was crushed. So I said, "Get off me, you two! I was at a bar nursing a beer. My nipple was getting quite soggy. I was walking home one night and a guy hammering on a roof called me a paranoid little weirdo....in morse code. You can't have everything, where would you put it? Hate is a strong word...which is why I used it. Computers are not intelligent. They only think they are. Two men walk into a bar, I can't remember the rest, but your mother's a whore. ..... I am a pirate of my own ship! I have a beard and rum makes me giggle. I am a pirate...a pirate on wheels! Happy birthday Jesus! I bought you a pony! Hey kids! Did you remember to wash your stinky parts? There's a good reason why there's a banana in my ear...I'm trying to lure out the monkey in my brain. The robber holding us hostage couldn't get the safe open with his hands, so he used a baby to pry it open...and we laughed and laughed. Fine go ahead and do it! Rip out my liver and make a tasty pat� out of it. MIND YOUR OWN BUSINESS, YOU SCROTUM! What are you in love with G.I. Joe? Why don't you marry him. Maybe he can caress you with his kung fu grip. If we're all God's children, then what's so special about Jesus? Mom always said, "If you don't have anything nice to say...piss off." Frisbeetarianism is the philosophy that when you die, your soul goes up on a roof and gets stuck. |
| DANCING CARL'S HOBO SHACK |
| DANCING CARL'S HOBO SHACK |
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| Hope you enjoy, this is a collection of sayings that my friend Dancing Carl has collected over the years. Some you may recognize, some you may not, some are funny, some...just plain disturbing. |
| Most of these have their origin in my brain, so please if you use them refer back to my site. Cause if you don't ::shakes fists in fury:: |