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Saturday, 05-Jun-1999 10:52:08
A Modest Proposal
(With apologies to Judy and
Irene who do a nice job for us.)
Fellow cranberry growers! It is time to test the grass roots
strength of this website! Our means have become more modest
and it is time for austerity measures. I have been ruminating
on the money spent during our decadent Ocean Spray annual
winter meetings, and I have come up with the perfect way to
save the co-op, and ourselves personally, money. And yet, we
won't be sacrificing any of our fun, or for that matter, any
of the vital business operations performed. Take this past
winter meeting for example. Held in Florida. Peak of the
season. Well, being quite well traveled myself, I have
remembered a location just as exciting as St. Pete Beach,
which for some reason I don't understand is off-peak as a
tourist attraction in February. Have you guessed it yet?
Bismarck, North Dakota!
Now for next year, we scrap the San Antonio plans and book
into the Motel 6 in Bismarck. Our room rates just went from in
the neighborhood of $200 a night to $36. Now compare this
scenario to last winter in Florida. I (and you) helped pay for
upper management's suites. They faced the ocean. I also helped
pay for the Director's suites. They faced the ocean. Beautiful
sunsets, I'm told. I paid for my room all by myself. I was on
the other side of the building. About half my window was above
ground level. My view was the grill of a Dodge Ram Van. The
joke was on the people in the suites, though. Those sheer
curtains couldn't keep out the moonbeams. No one got any sleep
unless they had one of those black-out masks like Mrs. Howell
used to wear when she took naps on Gilligan's Island. And,
through some mistake, there was only one mask per suite handed
out at registration time. Meanwhile, on my floor, all the
lightbulbs in the hall were burned out so I didn't even have
light shining in through the crack under the door. Slept like
the dead. (Being used to looking out for myself, I had smashed
the headlights on the Ram Van before sundown to make sure the
owner didn't turn them on in the night and startle me.)
But hey I'm not really complaining about the room rates.
The hotel really isn't making all that much money. They
couldn't afford windows or even screens on the beachside
"Pelican Cantina". Weird-colored birds kept flying
through dropping feathers and what-not on to our tables during
meals. I can vouch for secure windows at the Motel 6.
Now, let's think Bismarck again. First, it's centrally
located in the continent, approximately in the cranberry
lattitudes. Everyone can save money by driving instead of
flying. Now don't think of this as a sacrifice. Think about
the last time you were broke, back in your college days. Sure,
times were tough, but don't you get nostalgic about all the
fun you had living on the edge? This has given me a great idea
how to have fun! Get this: The rusty VW Microbus competition!
Jerry Garcia died a couple years back. He was the lead guy of
the band "The Grateful Dead". No more Grateful Dead
concerts. The market for touring VW Microbuses has crashed.
Perfect timing for us. All growers wishing to particpate in
this activity must arrive in Bismarck in a microbus. Winner
will be judged on "most psychedelic" or "least
remaining metal" or whatever WE decide. Added bonus: we
can't afford to hire mechanics on the marsh any more, so
nursing these vehicles cross country will be good drill for
us. Plus, you meet the nicest people when you're broken down
along the interstate!
What can we tour in Bismarck? Only the famous bakery that
put the town on the map! Or how about the National Open Air
Cold Soak Laboratory on the mall?
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