I just saw a really stupid commercial for Eggo waffles. It has a kid digging to China because it's breakfast time down there, and he wants an Eggo waffle. Ok, stupid concept for a commercial, but what the fuck do you want for a waffle commercial? That wasn't so bad. Then, he realizes that he forgot to steal some syrup from the poor, starving Chinese kid whose waffle he had just pilfered. The commercial ALMOST ends there. At the "forgot syrup" line, it goes to a graphic and tells us about new Eggo Waf-fuls, with the syrup already on the fucking inside of the waffle. Sweet Jesus, what the fuck is up with that? It looked SOOO fucking nasty, this thick brown mucus-like substance on the inside of the waffle. Syrup doesn't stick like that. Syrup is runny, and it goes on the FUCKING TOP OF THE DAMN WAFFLE. There's only so much shit you can put on the inside of a toaster product.

Ok, toasters make toast. Bread, a single solid slab of inflated starch, it's fine. Then came Pop-Tarts. Cool, bread with less crust and the fruit on the inside. Fruit on the inside is cool, I'm all about the fruit on the inside. It gets nice and hot, good. Then came the Pillsbury toaster strudel. Those things are fucking good, and expensive. But really good. Instead of the somewhat bland starch-stuff containing the pop-tart filling, they added a lot more good sweet filling and turned the bread-shit into pie crust shit. Flaky, delicious, like a flat piece of pie or something. And the icing in the pack is just, well, icing on the cake.

There are also bagels, which are just round, glorified bread. (I realize that the ingredients and classifications of the different "breads" according to me are very general, so "bread" basically refers to a flour-based low or non fat substance, inflated or not. If it's based on grain and pretty bland by itself, it's bread.) Put chunks of fruit in it, whatever. Same deal with the English muffins, Mr. Thomas needs to stop worrying about his nooks and crannies. By the way, what the hell are those little beads of whatever the hell is is on the bottoms of the English muffins? It's like sand or something. That scares the hell out of me. That covers pretty much everything that's OK to go in the toaster.

Now for the bullshit. After the strudel, Kelloggs decided they were gonna "revolutionize" their Pop-tarts. I don't know the order, but the icing on them was fine. It wasn't the greatest icing, but it didn't hurt. Then they started with the freaky shit. Marshmallow creme and chocolate sauce. I'd like to know how they get a chocolate to stay solid at such a wide range of temperatures. I'd be willing to bet it's not natural and involves chemicals that would make Einstein go "What the fuck is this shit?" But they didn't stop there, no. They made the bread stuff different, too. They made that chocolate, and put even weirder stuff in the middle. They have Oreo Pop-tarts now. OREOS! I know what a Pop-tart tastes like, and they can't alter the basic ingredient structure too much, lest it just fall apart. That would be just fucking nasty. The same with chocolate creme and marshmallows. When marshmallows heat up, they expand like nothing else on this earth. What did Kelloggs do to the classic marshmallow to stop it from expanding when heated? Beat it with a stick and tell it "no"? I'm terrified of that.

And it's not just Kellogs and their Pop-tarts, no. (Pillsbury hasn't fucked much with their strudels, this is a good thing.) You can put ANYTHING in a toaster now. Some crappy company, I think it's those bastards at McCain Ellios, made pizza things that goes in a toaster. Pizza from your toaster. NO! Toast from the toaster, pizza from the oven, or the microwave at least. They had those things with cheese, meat AND eggs in a tender, flaky crust and it fit in a toaster. A whole damn breakfast from a toaster. I remember a time when what came out of the toaster was only PART of your breakfast, and you put something on top of it. Now you pull the whole damn meal out of that little slot, and everything inside is rendered inert by God only knows what chemicals.

And why are they bothering making everything toaster-friendly? You can't fit a full healthy serving in that little slot. And even the best home toasters only have 4 slots. Who wants to eat 4 rectangles of the same weird shit? I don't know, maybe it's just me, but I think the toaster is being abused by the home fast-food industry. What about the microwave? Well, that's a whole other rant. It still pisses me off. Fucking pizza from the toaster...