Superbowl 35’s Terrible Secret Jan 25, 2001 by Tim Berger
I’m not a huge fan of football, unless it’s my team (the Virginia Tech Hokies), but even I have to admit that the Superbowl is pretty important in American society, and as a part of our life. It’s manly, it’s testosterone-powered violence with a point and lots of money and beer commercials, and it’s American. Which is why I think I need to go to Canada. I have just heard that the un-testosteronized, un manly, un-American, and un-good Backstreet Boys will be singing the song of our country at the game of the year of our country. That’s right, the quintuple queers will be singing the national anthem at the Superbowl. The only reason I’m not on my way to Canada now is because I can’t fit all my stuff in my car.
This not only angers me, I am enthralled with rage. This is as bad as the time those Japanese corporate bastards released the fucking Pokemon movie. What makes it double as bad for me, they released it on my 18th birthday. The day I legally pass into manhood, Pokemon infiltrates our theaters. The same theaters that we watch Star Wars and American Pie and other great movies with naked women, explosions and car chases in them. But that’s a whole other rant.
I have to wonder who the hell thought the god damn pansy-ass Backstreet Boys even have the RIGHT to sing the national anthem. Other countries are going to be SO laughing at us for this one. I can see the Uzbekistanian leader-guy now “Hahahaha. Look at the 5-some of girly-boys singing the overly homo-fied wussie song of that once great country.” Jesus Christ on a crutch, why? I’ve said it many a time, the Backstreet Boys, N’Sync, Hanson, and 98 Degrees all need to have steel plates riveted over their faces and then be run over by an old drunk lumberjack who just had a few cheap 40s driving a mid-80s oversized pickup. And somebody be there to make sure he backs up and gets them good, we don’t want any of them escaping.
And who would have even thought that they would WANT to sing the Superbowl? Football is manly. They’re, well, not. I wonder if they even know what football is. I mean, I really like the Superbowl commercials, but when we have the Backstreet Boys singing the national anthem, well, I think somebody really needs to re-evaluate the marketing strategies in this game. I mean, the middle-class American adult male is the prime audience for the football game, and I really don’t think they LIKE the Backstreet Boys. At all. Ever. It’s more suited to their 13 year old daughters. And if I were a parent, and I had a daughter, she wouldn’t be allowed to listen to that shit. Ever. For some reason, girls tend to be attracted to them. And I don’t EVER want my daughter bringing home some kid that reminds me of a Backstreet Boy. I’ll shoot him right there, and ship her off to boarding school.