"The craziest thing is when you shoot people with the 45. They fly like they've been hit by Volkswagens." - Bike John, referring to Hitman 2.

"Why don't you want to go scuba diving? You're afraid of fish? What, are they going to laugh at you and say 'Hey, look at her with the lungs.'?" - Casey, from Sports Night.

"Welcome to California. If you've come this far, you might as well just drive into the ocean." - My new motto for the state of California.

"Whoa, whoa, time out. We gotta regroup and get some more beer." - Casey, from Sports Night.

"When the first quantum computers are built, their blue screens of death will unravel the very fabric of the universe." - Brian Clevinger, creator of 8-Bit Theater

"Don't make me stab you with this pizza-encrusted knife. You don't want Papa John's inside you like that." - Schoonover

"Do unto others before they do unto you." - Schoonover

"The way I figure it, God gave me two arms, two legs, two eyes, ten fingers and toes, but only one dick. I'm gonna be careful where I put or what I do with one of the few organs He didn't give me a spare for." - Me.

"I am the sock with no elastic. You know, the one mystery sock in the laundry. You find it every few weeks. All your other socks have the elastic, except this one. And all the socks that have elastic have their well-elasticed counterparts. But I don't. I'm just one, ratty old sock with no elastic, and I end up at the bottom of the laundry pile. With no other sock to spend my time with." - Me.

"We meet again, Trebek. I notice you weren't able to sit down during the break. What's wrong, sweetie? Did you have a date last night?" - Sean Connery, on SNL Celebrity Jeopardy.

"What's the difference between you and a mallard with a cold? One's a sick duck. I can't remember the rest, but your mother's a whore." - Sean Connery, on SNL Celebrity Jeopardy.

"I've created the worlds first Fish-Mo Baby Whirlimagig. It'll be bigger than the Badger Blaster." - Franklin Sherman, from The Critic.

"The Ford Excursion - Just in case they think you've got a really, really small dick." - Brian Clevinger, of 8-Bit Theater

"What is a 'Hokie' anyway? I bet it's that thing you have on your car antenna. That little white ball thing. That's a Hokie. Michael Vick played for the Virginia Tech Car Antenna Ornaments." - Mark Frew, about the name "Hokie."

"TV says donuts are high in fat. Kazoo. Found a hobo in my room. It's Princess Leia, the yodel of life. Give me my sweater back or I'll play the guitar." - From Hyakugojyuuichu!!!!, a crazy Flash animation.

"I'll crack your head with my karate stick!" - Wesley Willis as Charlton Heston in Pistol.

"I went to college for four years and the only thing I learned was to avoid hookers with walkie-talkies." - Joe Rogan.

"I love you too. Now go put the helmet on." - Joe Rogan.

"Well, if the place is ugly, duct tape is cheap and so am I." - Me, looking for an apartment.

"I've got like 60 bucks and my kidneys to my name." - Me, on how broke I am.

"Yes, I will also have the 'Nectar of the Gods.'" - Tom Mansell, at the Bucknell 9th Street Cafe, from his info.

"A meltdown sounds like fun. Like some kind of cheese sandwich." - George Carlin, from Nick's page.

Me: "Well, I'm going to destroy all the trailer parks."
Frew: "Well, let's keep two of them."
Me: "Why, Frew?"
Frew: "Well, one as a tourist attraction...because God knows it would be much more interesting than the damn National Zoo or the Smithsonian. And another to produce white trash...because unless we plan on wiping out all the Camaros and Firebirds in the world (imagine the cost of Schuylkill County alone) somebody needs to know how to fix and put cinder blocks under such incredibly complex pieces of technology. And of course the mullet would become myth...much like the lost city of Atlantis, unless we foster a new generation." - Myself and Mark Frew, on what to do with white trash when we take over the world.

"They�re not 'girlie posters', they are two-dimensional shrines to the female form." - Me, about my poster.

"How do I know you�re not an Eskimo? Prove it. Prove to me that you are not an Eskimo. How do you prove that you are not an Eskimo?" - Mark Frew, after Tertel mentioned something about someone being an Eskimo.

"I�m not [sexually] repressed: I�m building up my sexual energy. And when it comes out, well, the lucky girl better have something to hold on to, because it�s almost two years of sex building up." - Me, after being invited to join the "Sexually Repressed Club."

"This parking lot is for Burger King customers. To make sure we have enough parking spaces for our customers, we are forced to tow cars that are left unattended. PLEASE DO NOT FORCE US TO TOW YOU!" - A note on my windshield after parking my car in the Burger King lot overnight.

"If I had to choose just one personal weapon I could carry around with me for personal protection when I become rich, it would have to be a big, angry-looking black man. Because, let�s face it, there isn�t a whole lot that�s more intimidating than a large, angry black man." - Mark Frew, after being asked what his personal weapon of choice would be.

"I�m out like the fat kid playing dodge ball." - Nick Brinich�s AIM away message, originally quoted from Joey Tertel.

"I�d stick my dick in that and wiggle it around." - Mark Frew, upon seeing a hot girl on TV or a movie or something.

"I�d want an army of penguins that explode right in front of people. I mean, what do you do if a penguin would just walk up to you and go 'quack' and stand in front of you? Would you think that it was set to explode and set out to get you by someone that wants you dead? Nobody suspects a penguin of being dangerous. Picture it, a penguin just waddles up in front of you: �Hey. A penguin. I didn�t know there were penguins around� BOOM! See, nobody would see it coming." - Ryan Walsh, after being asked what his personal weapon of choice would be.

"Sleep doesn�t sneak up on me. It jumps down from the ceiling and beats me unconscious over the back of the head. Real quick like." - Me, about my sleep habits.

"Sanity is the playground of the unimaginative." - Some web page.

"A wife serves 4 functions: To feed her man, to keep her man�s house clean, to keep her man�s clothes clean and orderly, and to serve as a receptacle for her man�s manhood." - Unknown.

"We don�t understand computers because they use electricity, which totally baffles us. We don�t understand why it doesn�t dribble out of the wall socket when we unplug an appliance." - Dave Barry, on computers and electricity.

"They won�t catch us. We�re on a mission from God." - Elwood Blues, from The Blues Brothers.

"Duct tape is like the Force. It has a light side, it has a dark side and it binds the galaxy together." - On Duct Tape.

Zhaan: "Pilot, does Moya know where we are?"
Pilot: "Yes, of course. We�re...someplace else. I�ll get back to you on the specifics." - Pilot from Farscape.

"I�m one of the people my parents warned me about." - Me.

"A man who knows he�s evil and knows what he�s doing is evil, but still does it anyway isn�t half as dangerous as a man who thinks he�s doing the right thing." - Unknown.

"The answers to life�s problems aren�t at the bottom of a beer bottle. They�re on TV." - Homer Simpson

Lisa: "Dad, what�s a �Muppet�?"
Homer: "Well, it�s not quite a mop, not quite a puppet, but man, ha ha ha ha. So, to answer your question, I don�t know." - Homer Simpson, explaining the Muppets to Lisa.

"I bent my wookie." - Ralph Wiggum, upon falling down on top of his Chewbacca figureine.

"If this works, it�ll keep us from getting caught. If it doesn�t work, it�ll keep us from growing old." - MacGyver.

"For the past seven years I have done nothing but travel around the world getting shot up, locked up, blown up...and all I have to show for it are a couple of empty rolls of duct tape." - MacGyver

"It could be worse. You could be a bird. You only get laid once, only get smashed once, and the only bird to sit on your face is your mother." - Honey_B19 on Sparkmatch.

"I hate country music. Or should I say 'music to slit your wrist by'?" - Unknown.

"If it�s stuck and it�s not supposed to be, WD-40 it. If it�s not stuck and it�s supposed to be, duct tape it." - The Duct Tape Guys.

"All country music follows the same format : Man meets woman, man falls in love with woman, woman leaves man, all man has left to sing about is mans truck and mans dog." - Me, on why country music sucks.

"Don�t move! Or I�ll fill you full of...little...yellow...bolts of light!" - John Chrichton, upon using a weapon which fires little yellow bolts of light as opposed to lead bullets.

"If you lose, you�re out of the family." - Homer Simpson, to Bart on the outcome of his golf game.

"Wow. You are one load that your mom should have swallowed." - Nick Brinich.

"First of all, if I were stranded on a desert island, first thing I�m doing is sleeping for like a week straight, because nobody�s there to make me wake up. Then, there would be a lot more cursing. Like when he busted his hand open with the fire thing, I would have sounded like a filthy drunk sailor. And when he busted his side up on that coral...shit, I�d be INVENTING words for that kind of shit." - Mark Frew, after seeing Cast Away.

"Everybody�s lost but me." - Indiana Jones in Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade.

"Give a man a fish, he eats for a day. Give a man a magic, wish-granting fish, and things just get interesting. Wait, that doesn�t seem right. Shit..." - Me, fucked up.

"Instant cheese grits. what the hell are grits, anyway? And I don't trust "instant cheese" to begin with. Isn't cheese made by aging? So we have a paradoxical flavoring in a food that we don't know what it is. No thanks." - Me, on why I won't eat instant cheese grits.

"Ketchup is THE condiment from which all other condiments (except chocolate and desert toppings) worth mentioning are derived." - Me, on ketchup as the king condiment.

"What's the difference between monkey sex and regular sex?" - Me.

"I'm not fucking here. What don't you underfuckingstand about that? How the fuck your brain has enough electricity misfiring around in your big pumpkin head to coordinate making your heart beat AND your lungs expand, all at the same time, is completely beyond me. It is painfully obvious to me that your mental capacity is somewhere between that of a rat's cancerous ballsack and a frozen dogshit snowball. Even further beyond my comprehension, you can fucking manipulate your three gnarled fingers -- c'mon we all know inbred people don't have all five digits on each hand -- to bang away at a keyboard and manage to find the fucking "enter" button. I look at you with the same marvel and wonder as I did looking at the 'tard in the cafeteria who dropped his hat in my fucking plate when he looked down to see what I had for dinner." - Nick Brinich's away message.

"Anyone who says money cant buy happiness never bought drugs and alcohol." - Amanda.

"Well, it doesn't buy happiness. Drugs and alcohol wear off after a while. It's more like renting." - Me, in response to the above quote.

"You know what would have been really funny? If that box that he never opened the whole time he was stranded on that island had contained a cell phone." - Mark Frew, after seeing Cast Away.

"Of course it's always in the last place you look. You don't find something and then continue to look in other places." - Some e-mail I got.

"My socks are having interracial babies. I had an even number of blue socks and an even number of white socks when I put them in the dryer. Now I have a single extra blue sock and a single extra white sock, forming a mismatched extra pair of socks. Hence, my socks are having interracial babies." - Me, after losing socks in the laundry.

"Same principle as all the fucking technology in the world and no one can figure out how to prevent ice from forming on the roads...God damn it its ice, howhard is it? The best we can do is put a God damn salt on it...salt is a goddamn flavor enhancer. What the fuck did they try before salt? MSG? Pepper? French fuckingdressing?" - Mark Frew, on chemistry.

"Forget women. I'm sticking to porn. It's never lied to me, it's never broken my heart, and no matter how it ends, I still feel better." - Guido

"And it's never given me a headache nor taken my money and left me pissed." - Morris, in response to the above quote.