My Computer Has PMS            14 Feb 2001    by Tim Berger

Yeah, you read it right. My fucking computer has PMS. I installed Windows Millennium Edition (Win ME) over Christmas break, and I have to say, I was not impressed. I have to wonder why the incompetent shit-flinging monkeys at Microsoft try fixing stuff BEFORE they release it.  I’d like to get a tractor and drive over the floor with all the programmers in it and watch them run.

Anyway, I cleaned out my hard drive to start fresh, because Windows 98 tends to let shit build up and clog it up. Like bad plumbing. Picture your operating system at a large building. The pipes are the files and shit on your hard drive. A good operating system would pipe something through to where it needs to go, then it would get used, and get flushed to where it needs to go. End of story. Windows does things differently. If it pipes something somewhere, it makes about 400 gazillion copies and sends them just about everywhere. It’s like if you looked in the pipes of your office building, you would find shit that you flushed 5 years ago stuck in a drinking fountain. It’s a fucked up maze. But the only other real option is the Mac OS, and while that may be piped well, but the pipes are made out of bamboo and the building is a hippy commune or something. The Mac OS is targeted toward people who are either retarded or…well, retarded. I’d like to find a happy medium one day.

Anyway, I cleaned out all the old Win 98 stuff, 5 year old flushings included. With no building, I built a new one. This time, the newer Win ME. I knew from the start that it wasn’t much of an improvement. I had to reinstall all my stuff. ICQ, AIM, all that happy shit. But it worked good. I didn’t complain too much. It took a while to get the bells and whistles to work how I wanted them to work. And I disabled the automatic power management right away. I can’t have my computer turning itself on at 3 am and going online and hiring a hitman to get me, now can I?

So, lately my computer has been fucking up. It would just stop. Everything. The mouse cursor wouldn’t move, no keyboard response, music stops dead in its tracks. Then, after like 2 seconds, back to normal. Like nothing ever happened. Unacceptable. So, I ran Norton AntiVirus, no viruses, then I cleaned it out and organized the hard drive, that didn’t help. So, the only option now is to tear down the building and get the Win 98 one back. It worked better.

So, I moved all my files and shit that I’d need to transfer back to my partitions, where they would be safe and easy to recover. All prepared to format and start the bitch from scratch. And now it works perfectly. I threatened it, I even told it I would open the case up and fuck around with the physical innards. Usually, that scares the shit out of my computer, and it works good. I’m pretty sure it cried last time I opened it. But I now needed to format, and that scared it good. So now the question is: Do I stick with Win ME now that it might be scared straight, it might go back to misbehaving. Or I could format and punish it for being bad and then I would have to go back to Win 98 (probably). If I stayed with ME, I wouldn’t have to reinstall anything again. It’s a toughie. Why can’t the digital bitch make up her mind? She has fucking digital PMS.