March 12, 2001

by Tim Berger

Yeah, Girl Scout cookies. First of all, let me say that the Thin Mints in the green box are the only ones worth my attention or money. Some of the other ones are good, but there's nothing special about them, you can get cookies that are just as good and pretty much the same thing for cheaper in the store. But the thin mints are special. I haven't been able to find an equivalent in any store.

Which brings me to the point. How the fuck do a bunch of 8 year old girls get a monopoly on fucking cookies? Big evil corporations should have picked up on the fact that people rush to buy girl scout cookies like a bunch of sailors on shore leave to a strip club where the women take empty beer cans instead of dollar bills. And why not? Who can resist a bunch of little girls all dressed up outside of the supermarket selling cookies? I'm not gonna lie, I really really like thin mints. They're one of the best, most addicting foods out there. I go through them really quick. If I didn't have such spectacular self-control, I would eat a box as a regular meal. Of course, it's nice to have some milk to go with it, but still, I could eat a whole box as a meal.

So why don't huge companies make thin mints? Why aren't there Nabisco or Keebler brand thin mints? Personally, I myself would probably feel a little guilty and pathetic being a huge corporation trying to run a bunch of 8 year old girls out of business. But, hey, it's great marketing. I mean, girl scout cookies you can get in the store. As far as I know, selling cookies is all the girl scouts do. But they're damn good at it. The day you can get the cookies is almost like a little holiday or something. Because you don't have the cookies for very long. You never get enough. Fans of the thin mints know what I'm talking about. Those little girls sell some of most addictive fucking cookies ever and then just when you're out, they disappear for a year. What the hell is up with that shit? They're like little 8 year old drug dealers. They get you hooked for more than the cookies are worth, you gobble them up like the end of the world is tomorrow, and when they're gone you NEED more, but the little girls went back to Columbia with their loot to make some more of their secret cookies for next year.

But the girl scouts don't make the cookies. Some company does, I guess as a big fundraiser thing deal. So what do the girl scouts do for the rest of the year? Do they have cookies that they hide from us? Are they negotiating with the big baking companies like Nabisco and Keebler not to copy their recipie and make a mint running a troupe of 8 year old girls out of their monopoly over addictive cookies? I guess I'm just perplexed that a bunch of 8 year old suburban girls could have such a stranglehold on the snack food industry. Maybe Nabisco and/or Keebler or something makes the cookies for them and reaps a portion of the profits. Hey, 8 year old girls are great marketing tools. You feel like a real asshole if you walk out of the store, and a cute little girl asks you outright if you want to buy some of her cookies and you say "no." I broke immediately last time. I walked out of Kroger with some powder to de-stink my car, and this little girl, I'd say she was about 7 with big curly blond hair just said "Would you like to buy some cookies?" I didn't even hesitate. I saw the table befor she aksed and almost before she could finish, I said "Yes! Gimme 2 boxes of the green ones." I didn't say "thin mints" because it might be kinda faggy if I knew they were called "thin mints." But apparently, they have a new green box. It's light green. I had to specify, "No, the chocolate green ones."

Well, I don't get it. The most marketable, economical and subversive little girls ever have got the country by the sweet tooth for 2 weeks, or however long those cookies are on sale. Then they vanish for the rest of the year. It's just fucking creepy.